Irate with older sister surrounding comment made to DD at our mothers funeral

[Anonymous]

I would call her out on her cruelty your daughter and tell her you don’t wish to discuss it (because she’s not a reasonable person, so there’s no point) but that you’re taking a break from Friday dinners. Your daughter needs to be protected and she is your first priority.

[Anonymous]

A remark like that to a child is reprehensible.

But I say this as gently as possible....

You lost your mother just days ago.
You had her viewing hours before you made this post.
The incident occurred literally at the viewing.

My suggestion is that emotions are high and you thinking about this at all is displacement. At a time of grief, particularly after a "long battle" that was likely challenging for all involved, we look to find a distraction and redirect our sad emotions of grief into angry emotions at someone's actions.

I say this because I did it myself. My brother did some awful things leading up to and around my mother's funeral. We had a blow up fight and our relationship has never been the same. That is fine, but when I look back I wish I had ignored that issue for a week or so and focused instead on my mom. The outcome may have been the same, but we probably could have gotten there with less drama and I wouldn't regret what I was focusing on at the time I could have been processing grief.

So my suggestion is that you avoid talking to your sister at all if possible for several days. Focus on other things. And come back to it later.

[Anonymous]

End the relationship. There’s nothing good there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:End the relationship. There’s nothing good there.

Agree. Don’t set an example for DD. She’s 11 and impressionable. We don’t allow anyone to bully us, including family. Your husband has no say in this matter at all. Sister has issues and last words to her should be, get help.

[Anonymous]

Cut her off.
If you allow her into your house she will go on tormenting your children.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I second the idea of sidestepping any contact with your sister for a period of time. I would not address what happened right now, it's not a priority though the emotions may feel urgent.

Who comes to the family dinners? I would send a group text and say you are taking a break from them for now.

[Anonymous]

I would not have her over any time soon.

I’m confused- is this a regular thing you guys have done? Or something she has invited herself to?

Your husband really doesn’t get a vote in this. I’m sorry he doesn’t have your back. Tell him you just need a break from her and he needs to stop pressuring you.

Let your daughter know she can grieve any way she needs and that a lot of people can’t handle open caskets. It doesn’t diminish the love she had for her grandmother.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry that she did that your daughter.

That is just a horrible, mean thing to do to a child.

[Anonymous]

I have a cruel aunt. She said cruel things to me when my grandfather died. In fact, she was the one who called me to announce his death. I had never given her my work number and somehow she got ahold of it. After I hung up, my boss walked into my office and I started bawling my eyes out.
I have cut contact with my aunt. My mother still talks to her. And she acts surprised whenever my aunt says or does something mean.

Stand up for your daughter. Don't let her be around her aunt if she doesn't want to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a cruel aunt. She said cruel things to me when my grandfather died. In fact, she was the one who called me to announce his death. I had never given her my work number and somehow she got ahold of it. After I hung up, my boss walked into my office and I started bawling my eyes out.
I have cut contact with my aunt. My mother still talks to her. And she acts surprised whenever my aunt says or does something mean.

Stand up for your daughter. Don't let her be around her aunt if she doesn't want to be.

I just want to add that if you do allow your sister into your house, your daughter should be allowed to stay in her room. Personally as the daughter, I would be upset.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

As far as dinners, not right now for sure. Tell her that unless and until she apologizes to your daughter, dinners are not even an option. If that happens you can reevaluate how you feel.

First though, give yourself time to grieve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A remark like that to a child is reprehensible.

But I say this as gently as possible....

You lost your mother just days ago.
You had her viewing hours before you made this post.
The incident occurred literally at the viewing.

My suggestion is that emotions are high and you thinking about this at all is displacement. At a time of grief, particularly after a "long battle" that was likely challenging for all involved, we look to find a distraction and redirect our sad emotions of grief into angry emotions at someone's actions.

I say this because I did it myself. My brother did some awful things leading up to and around my mother's funeral. We had a blow up fight and our relationship has never been the same. That is fine, but when I look back I wish I had ignored that issue for a week or so and focused instead on my mom. The outcome may have been the same, but we probably could have gotten there with less drama and I wouldn't regret what I was focusing on at the time I could have been processing grief.

So my suggestion is that you avoid talking to your sister at all if possible for several days. Focus on other things. And come back to it later.

This is not a one-off. OP says the sister has treated her with disdain her entire life. Things are not going to magically improve after a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A remark like that to a child is reprehensible.

But I say this as gently as possible....

You lost your mother just days ago.
You had her viewing hours before you made this post.
The incident occurred literally at the viewing.

My suggestion is that emotions are high and you thinking about this at all is displacement. At a time of grief, particularly after a "long battle" that was likely challenging for all involved, we look to find a distraction and redirect our sad emotions of grief into angry emotions at someone's actions.

I say this because I did it myself. My brother did some awful things leading up to and around my mother's funeral. We had a blow up fight and our relationship has never been the same. That is fine, but when I look back I wish I had ignored that issue for a week or so and focused instead on my mom. The outcome may have been the same, but we probably could have gotten there with less drama and I wouldn't regret what I was focusing on at the time I could have been processing grief.

So my suggestion is that you avoid talking to your sister at all if possible for several days. Focus on other things. And come back to it later.

This is not a one-off. OP says the sister has treated her with disdain her entire life. Things are not going to magically improve after a few weeks.

I did not suggest that things would improve.

What I suggested is that this is not an urgent issue for OP today. She should just set it aside for a while.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't confront because that kind of person loves confrontation. I would just cancel. Something came up.

[Anonymous]

Explain to your DD that your sister is clearly mentally disturbed, which is why she behaves (d) the way she does. Your duty is to protect your child from people like that so, relationship over.