Is she a frenemy or aita?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's probably borderline personality disorder.

UGH. Good old DCUM, with someone always arriving to play armchair shrink and slap a diagnosis on garden-variety human behaviors.

Plus: Even if you were 100 percent right with your diagnosis, how in the world does it help OP? Answer: It doesn't.

Uh oh another BPD/NPD gaslighter is here. This is not garden variety human behavior.

You sure know therapy speak and diagnosis words but just because someone is being ridiculous doesn't mean they have mental health issues. Let me guess - the next thing you'll say has something to do with "toxic" and "boundaries". :P

These diagnoses are real and describe the friend’s behavior. Jumping on here to minimize their behavior with the “they’re just being silly” excuse just points to your extreme defensiveness. It’s how someone with BPD and/or NPD would react.

And what’s wrong with boundaries? Do you think people shouldn’t have them? Again, indication for BPD/NPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll add that B is a PITA and yes, high drama. I would not foster the relationship based on what you've said here. And it doesn't have to be nasty - but just like dating, not every girl is every other girls friend - and that's ok.

I agree. This is too much work for someone you don't know that well or like that much.

I don't think you have to cut her out altogether, but I would not see her very often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll add that B is a PITA and yes, high drama. I would not foster the relationship based on what you've said here. And it doesn't have to be nasty - but just like dating, not every girl is every other girls friend - and that's ok.

I agree. This is too much work for someone you don't know that well or like that much.

I don't think you have to cut her out altogether, but I would not see her very often.

^ But I also don't think she's necessarily a frenemy. Friend A might be more of a frenemy based on this story - or might not be. I think of a frenemy as someone who pretends to be your friend while trying to undermine you at the same time. B just sounds a little volatile - A sounds like she might be sneakier. (*Might* be - not necessarily is.)

And either way, who has time for this?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Person A did a little pot stirring too, here, by the way.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds insufferable, OP, and you are not the arsehole, but just so you know: never outright criticize a spouse or ex-spouse directly. Even if they really deserve it! Because the person you're talking to will have complicated feelings about it, and even if SHE thinks he was a jerk, YOU don't get to say the same thing.

One of those unwritten rules that trip up innocent bystanders

[phone] well said.

Plus he’s the father of her kid(s) she won’t want you insulting hat or bringing criticism of him around them.

So agreeing with a friend saying x is a jerk is insulting? “My x is a jerk!” -yeah it sound a like he’s a jerk!

Op here and I understand this rule. Another example: you are mad at your sister and complain to your best friend about her. Your friend calls your sister a b word and you then feel like kicking your best friend's @$$. In my case, I had listened and kept quiet on at least 25 occasions to her disparage her cheating ex. The day I said something was a day where I was sleep deprived, pmsing and had a headache. I wasn't at my best. I want friends who I can relax around. I don't want to walk on eggshells and stay quiet when I hear soneone say the same toxic things again and again.

These two aren’t your people. You should feel relaxed with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Person A did a little pot stirring too, here, by the way.

Exactly. Person A should have told B that she was complaining loudly and constantly about this man, so of course someone whose never met him would think he's a jerk. Not "nudge under the table" type nonsense. I'd give Person A some side eye here too. I'd be wary of them both.

Whoa - Person A did the exact right thing. If Person B kept complaining about OP behind her back, Person A did the right thing to say to Person B - stop complaining. If you didn't like what OP said, let's get together and just tell her. Person A didn't want to gossip about OP and told B to own her feelings, let OP know and move on.

The exact opposite of bringing drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Any thoughts about friend A, who organized the dinner and then urged B to talk to me? I suppose they talked about me behind my back and cooked up this plan to confront me. I have other friends who talk plainly and tell me right away if there's an issue, thankfully.

Unlike PP who thinks A is a pot stirrer, I like to give folks the benefit of the doubt. It's obvious B told A how she felt about your comments - doesn't mean they were "talking about you behind your back" though. It could be that B told A how she felt and A encouraged her to talk to you rather than let it fester, etc. Could be innocent. I'd take a step back and look at the complete person before making assumptions.

You could always reach out to A and simply ask and say that you were uncomfortable because you felt ganged up on or something to that effect. Keep it classy and don't "talk about B" but rather from a stance of you trying to understand the dynamic and you can be honest and say that you're evaluating the newish relationship(s).

Maybe at the next dinner A can nudge OP to confront B about how the previous confrontation made her feel. Then the cycle will continue. Yet somehow A gets to be the one in the middle of it all, the eye of the storm, as B and OP keep coming after each other. A is definitely a trouble maker who probably sits back rejoicing in all the drama she creates. She could simply have just asked B to talk to OP on her own to hash it out. Not make it a group exercise. I would just say "leave me out of it" and not insert myself if I was A, there are other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Person A did a little pot stirring too, here, by the way.

Exactly. Person A should have told B that she was complaining loudly and constantly about this man, so of course someone whose never met him would think he's a jerk. Not "nudge under the table" type nonsense. I'd give Person A some side eye here too. I'd be wary of them both.

Whoa - Person A did the exact right thing. If Person B kept complaining about OP behind her back, Person A did the right thing to say to Person B - stop complaining. If you didn't like what OP said, let's get together and just tell her. Person A didn't want to gossip about OP and told B to own her feelings, let OP know and move on.

The exact opposite of bringing drama.

Whoa? Why did A need to take part in this? She could have said that's between the two of you, don't involve me and neither gossip nor be part of the staged intervention.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is being overly sensitive. So, her friends can't confront her when their feelings get hurt by something she says? And it has to be one on one? Seems like OP is the one that is creating drama.

I've been at dinners where someone tells me I hurt their feelings or did them wrong somehow. It's not a big deal. I either explain myself or apologize or both and we all move on. What's the big deal that person A was at the dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is being overly sensitive. So, her friends can't confront her when their feelings get hurt by something she says? And it has to be one on one? Seems like OP is the one that is creating drama.

I've been at dinners where someone tells me I hurt their feelings or did them wrong somehow. It's not a big deal. I either explain myself or apologize or both and we all move on. What's the big deal that person A was at the dinner?

The big deal is that a couple of weeks had elapsed since I hurt her feelings. We saw each other 4 times in between and this dinner was the first I heard about it. I was shocked and actually needed to be reminded of the circumstances around this conversation. I apologized straightaway and followed up with a text reiterating the apology. I am low drama. As a pp said, life is too short for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ghost them. 3 is a crowd. You will never feel comfortable with them.

Groups of 3 women are always hard because two always seem to "gang up" on the third at some point. Multiples of 2 only!

[Anonymous]

This sounds like an episode of any Real Housewives franchise

[Anonymous]

So if you're low drama, why are you making a thing out of this?

Have you seen them since? have they moved on and returned to how they've always been? If so, why are you stirring this up?

Can't you just give them the benefit of the doubt that B maybe needed time to process her feelings and talk it over with a friend - maybe asking A if she's being overly sensitive or whatever. Person A tells B that you all have been out a few times and if she's still upset by it, to talk to you directly. Maybe B agrees and the next time you're all out, B doesn't say anything but A knows B was planning to so tells her to just be honest and upfront.

That's not dramatic. Tht's just life. You're so ready to drop two friends because of this one confrontation. Deny it all you want, but you're overly sensitive and making a big deal out of nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Person A did a little pot stirring too, here, by the way.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if you're low drama, why are you making a thing out of this?

Have you seen them since? have they moved on and returned to how they've always been? If so, why are you stirring this up?

Can't you just give them the benefit of the doubt that B maybe needed time to process her feelings and talk it over with a friend - maybe asking A if she's being overly sensitive or whatever. Person A tells B that you all have been out a few times and if she's still upset by it, to talk to you directly. Maybe B agrees and the next time you're all out, B doesn't say anything but A knows B was planning to so tells her to just be honest and upfront.

That's not dramatic. Tht's just life. You're so ready to drop two friends because of this one confrontation. Deny it all you want, but you're overly sensitive and making a big deal out of nothing.

It wasn't just the one conversation though. B rants and moans about her ex-husband all the time. OP snapped, tired of hearing about it, and made her comment. It was one comment. Why did B over-react, cry, confront, etc? Maybe she should hear what OP was saying and realize that after 6 years she's better off with the loser.