Is she a frenemy or aita?

[Anonymous]

She's probably borderline personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Any thoughts about friend A, who organized the dinner and then urged B to talk to me? I suppose they talked about me behind my back and cooked up this plan to confront me. I have other friends who talk plainly and tell me right away if there's an issue, thankfully.

Person A is 100p part of the problem. They have the little routine down pat.

Yup, they must get a co-dependent kick out of it or something. Bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are we all Jane Austens? Just say- whoa you were the one complaining about him. You said this, this, this. That sounds like a jerk. If you don't like it, don't talk about him.

I tried that at first, in a joking way because I didn't think she was serious at first. She had a pained look on her face and I apologized. She said I was intense when I said it, which bothered her, too. Friendship should be fun and easy. This is not fun.

She sounds like a drama queen. I would end that friendship do a slow fade or pull the trigger. Your choice. She complains for years and finally you agree with her and that hurt her feelings? You did with any normal person would do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are we all Jane Austens? Just say- whoa you were the one complaining about him. You said this, this, this. That sounds like a jerk. If you don't like it, don't talk about him.

I tried that at first, in a joking way because I didn't think she was serious at first. She had a pained look on her face and I apologized. She said I was intense when I said it, which bothered her, too. Friendship should be fun and easy. This is not fun.

She sounds like a drama queen. I would end that friendship do a slow fade or pull the trigger. Your choice. She complains for years and finally you agree with her and that hurt her feelings? You did with any normal person would do.

Thanks. They were fun until they weren't. I'm thinking slow fade, but I'll never be with just the 2 of them again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well someone who still complains about an ex after six years might have a thing for being a victim. Maybe the ex-talk is getting old and she was excited to get to be "victimized" by something fresher.

In any case, she sounds like bad news.

They both do.

[Anonymous]

Stay away. She will only get worse over time. Major red flags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds insufferable, OP, and you are not the arsehole, but just so you know: never outright criticize a spouse or ex-spouse directly. Even if they really deserve it! Because the person you're talking to will have complicated feelings about it, and even if SHE thinks he was a jerk, YOU don't get to say the same thing.

One of those unwritten rules that trip up innocent bystanders

[phone] well said.

Plus he’s the father of her kid(s) she won’t want you insulting hat or bringing criticism of him around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds insufferable, OP, and you are not the arsehole, but just so you know: never outright criticize a spouse or ex-spouse directly. Even if they really deserve it! Because the person you're talking to will have complicated feelings about it, and even if SHE thinks he was a jerk, YOU don't get to say the same thing.

One of those unwritten rules that trip up innocent bystanders

[phone] well said.

Plus he’s the father of her kid(s) she won’t want you insulting hat or bringing criticism of him around them.

So agreeing with a friend saying x is a jerk is insulting? “My x is a jerk!” -yeah it sound a like he’s a jerk!

[Anonymous]

I have an old friend who is exhausting just like this. Always finds a way to get offended about something. I have pulled way, way back. Why bother when you could spend time with friends who are fun and easy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds insufferable, OP, and you are not the arsehole, but just so you know: never outright criticize a spouse or ex-spouse directly. Even if they really deserve it! Because the person you're talking to will have complicated feelings about it, and even if SHE thinks he was a jerk, YOU don't get to say the same thing.

One of those unwritten rules that trip up innocent bystanders

[phone] well said.

Plus he’s the father of her kid(s) she won’t want you insulting hat or bringing criticism of him around them.

So agreeing with a friend saying x is a jerk is insulting? “My x is a jerk!” -yeah it sound a like he’s a jerk!

Op here and I understand this rule. Another example: you are mad at your sister and complain to your best friend about her. Your friend calls your sister a b word and you then feel like kicking your best friend's @$$. In my case, I had listened and kept quiet on at least 25 occasions to her disparage her cheating ex. The day I said something was a day where I was sleep deprived, pmsing and had a headache. I wasn't at my best. I want friends who I can relax around. I don't want to walk on eggshells and stay quiet when I hear soneone say the same toxic things again and again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an old friend who is exhausting just like this. Always finds a way to get offended about something. I have pulled way, way back. Why bother when you could spend time with friends who are[i fun and easy?/quote]
Yes, being with friends should be fun and easy. Tough times will come, but friend be is talking about things which happened 6+ years ago as if it were yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Person A did a little pot stirring too, here, by the way.

Exactly. Person A should have told B that she was complaining loudly and constantly about this man, so of course someone whose never met him would think he's a jerk. Not "nudge under the table" type nonsense. I'd give Person A some side eye here too. I'd be wary of them both.

[Anonymous]

I can see why she has an ex husband. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Any thoughts about friend A, who organized the dinner and then urged B to talk to me? I suppose they talked about me behind my back and cooked up this plan to confront me. I have other friends who talk plainly and tell me right away if there's an issue, thankfully.

If A has been otherwise entirely fine, I would just be frank with her:

"B has raised her ex in every conversation since I've known her, always to complain, yet when I affirmed that he's the jerk that SHE has said he is repeatedly, she said she was hurt. I was extremely surprised, since she herself has vented about him so much. I also noticed at dinner that you encouraged her to tell me she was hurt. I like you and want to be honest with you, I now wonder if she came to you to complain about ME and that's why you invited us both to dinner. It's very strange to think of two of my friends discussing me when I am not present, especially when one of those friends is prone to venting. Was the dinner arranged as a way to get us together so she could say her piece?"

Then see what A says.

She may have felt sincerely that she just wanted you and B to be friendly again; B may have come to her venting about you but that does not mean A wanted to hear it; it does not mean A agrees or is on her "side" or whatever. But having heard B's complaints, A may just have wanted to smooth things over for you both. The intent might have been good BUT the execution was an issue for you. I would cut A far, far more slack here than I would cut B, to be honest, especially if A is the peacemaker type.

I'm surprised that B has remained a friend as long as she has if she brings her long-ago ex into every single conversation. She sounds unable to let go. If they have kids together and he's a continuing a-hole due to fresh stuff he does re: kids and custody and finances, well, it's more understandable that she would still be venting six years later, if he's always providing fresh things to hate about him.

You could go to B and just say, "I was taken aback and surprised when you said you were hurt. I mean to affirm what you have been saying the entire time we've known each other; I was trying to affirm you, not hurt you. You may not realize it but you bring up X every time we've ever gotten together, always very negatively and complaining about him, so in calling him a jerk, I felt I was just saying what you've said yourself. I see that maybe hearing from someone else hits differently." Then if you like her enough to want to keep her as a friend, I'd add, "I'm sorry you saw my comment as hurtful and I won't bring X up again. How about we both agree to leave X out of our friendship from now on?" And yeah, OP, "I'm sorry you saw...." is a non-apology apology!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are we all Jane Austens? Just say- whoa you were the one complaining about him. You said this, this, this. That sounds like a jerk. If you don't like it, don't talk about him.

I tried that at first, in a joking way because I didn't think she was serious at first. She had a pained look on her face and I apologized. She said I was intense when I said it, which bothered her, too. Friendship should be fun and easy. This is not fun.

She sounds like a drama queen. I would end that friendship do a slow fade or pull the trigger. Your choice. She complains for years and finally you agree with her and that hurt her feelings? You did with any normal person would do.

Thanks. They were fun until they weren't. I'm thinking slow fade, but I'll never be with just the 2 of them again.

If A is OK, why can't you see just A? I see a lot of posts on DCUM about women friend groups and wonder sometimes why there is so much focus on groups, group activities, girls' nights out, girls' trips, etc. Just see A if A is OK with you and is easygoing and mature enough not to feel she needs to be "loyal" to either you or B and must choose sides. A should know that it's adult friendship, not a sixth grade kickball game where people have to pick who's on their side to play.