Is she a frenemy or aita?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's probably borderline personality disorder.

UGH. Good old DCUM, with someone always arriving to play armchair shrink and slap a diagnosis on garden-variety human behaviors.

Plus: Even if you were 100 percent right with your diagnosis, how in the world does it help OP? Answer: It doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Any thoughts about friend A, who organized the dinner and then urged B to talk to me? I suppose they talked about me behind my back and cooked up this plan to confront me. I have other friends who talk plainly and tell me right away if there's an issue, thankfully.

Unlike PP who thinks A is a pot stirrer, I like to give folks the benefit of the doubt. It's obvious B told A how she felt about your comments - doesn't mean they were "talking about you behind your back" though. It could be that B told A how she felt and A encouraged her to talk to you rather than let it fester, etc. Could be innocent. I'd take a step back and look at the complete person before making assumptions.

You could always reach out to A and simply ask and say that you were uncomfortable because you felt ganged up on or something to that effect. Keep it classy and don't "talk about B" but rather from a stance of you trying to understand the dynamic and you can be honest and say that you're evaluating the newish relationship(s).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's probably borderline personality disorder.

UGH. Good old DCUM, with someone always arriving to play armchair shrink and slap a diagnosis on garden-variety human behaviors.

Plus: Even if you were 100 percent right with your diagnosis, how in the world does it help OP? Answer: It doesn't.

Uh oh another BPD/NPD gaslighter is here. This is not garden variety human behavior.

[Anonymous]

Ghost them. 3 is a crowd. You will never feel comfortable with them.

[Anonymous]

I'll add that B is a PITA and yes, high drama. I would not foster the relationship based on what you've said here. And it doesn't have to be nasty - but just like dating, not every girl is every other girls friend - and that's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's probably borderline personality disorder.

UGH. Good old DCUM, with someone always arriving to play armchair shrink and slap a diagnosis on garden-variety human behaviors.

Plus: Even if you were 100 percent right with your diagnosis, how in the world does it help OP? Answer: It doesn't.

Uh oh another BPD/NPD gaslighter is here. This is not garden variety human behavior.

You sure know therapy speak and diagnosis words but just because someone is being ridiculous doesn't mean they have mental health issues. Let me guess - the next thing you'll say has something to do with "toxic" and "boundaries". :P

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Any thoughts about friend A, who organized the dinner and then urged B to talk to me? I suppose they talked about me behind my back and cooked up this plan to confront me. I have other friends who talk plainly and tell me right away if there's an issue, thankfully.

If A has been otherwise entirely fine, I would just be frank with her:

"B has raised her ex in every conversation since I've known her, always to complain, yet when I affirmed that he's the jerk that SHE has said he is repeatedly, she said she was hurt. I was extremely surprised, since she herself has vented about him so much. I also noticed at dinner that you encouraged her to tell me she was hurt. I like you and want to be honest with you, I now wonder if she came to you to complain about ME and that's why you invited us both to dinner. It's very strange to think of two of my friends discussing me when I am not present, especially when one of those friends is prone to venting. Was the dinner arranged as a way to get us together so she could say her piece?"

Then see what A says.

She may have felt sincerely that she just wanted you and B to be friendly again; B may have come to her venting about you but that does not mean A wanted to hear it; it does not mean A agrees or is on her "side" or whatever. But having heard B's complaints, A may just have wanted to smooth things over for you both. The intent might have been good BUT the execution was an issue for you. I would cut A far, far more slack here than I would cut B, to be honest, especially if A is the peacemaker type.

I'm surprised that B has remained a friend as long as she has if she brings her long-ago ex into every single conversation. She sounds unable to let go. If they have kids together and he's a continuing a-hole due to fresh stuff he does re: kids and custody and finances, well, it's more understandable that she would still be venting six years later, if he's always providing fresh things to hate about him.

You could go to B and just say, "I was taken aback and surprised when you said you were hurt. I mean to affirm what you have been saying the entire time we've known each other; I was trying to affirm you, not hurt you. You may not realize it but you bring up X every time we've ever gotten together, always very negatively and complaining about him, so in calling him a jerk, I felt I was just saying what you've said yourself. I see that maybe hearing from someone else hits differently." Then if you like her enough to want to keep her as a friend, I'd add, "I'm sorry you saw my comment as hurtful and I won't bring X up again. How about we both agree to leave X out of our friendship from now on?" And yeah, OP, "I'm sorry you saw...." is a non-apology apology!

I will think about your advice, which puts words to my feelings about what happened. My apology was sincere in that I felt terrible that something I said hurt her feelings and I regret hurting her feelings. I spoke the truth, though, and I won't apologize for that. I suspect these ladies enjoy drama and I am an unwitting participant. I worry that if I say anything you advised, it gives them more fodder and I engage in drama. I like them both, but I don't like how I feel after being at that dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are we all Jane Austens? Just say- whoa you were the one complaining about him. You said this, this, this. That sounds like a jerk. If you don't like it, don't talk about him.

I tried that at first, in a joking way because I didn't think she was serious at first. She had a pained look on her face and I apologized. She said I was intense when I said it, which bothered her, too. Friendship should be fun and easy. This is not fun.

She sounds like a drama queen. I would end that friendship do a slow fade or pull the trigger. Your choice. She complains for years and finally you agree with her and that hurt her feelings? You did with any normal person would do.

Thanks. They were fun until they weren't. I'm thinking slow fade, but I'll never be with just the 2 of them again.

If A is OK, why can't you see just A? I see a lot of posts on DCUM about women friend groups and wonder sometimes why there is so much focus on groups, group activities, girls' nights out, girls' trips, etc. Just see A if A is OK with you and is easygoing and mature enough not to feel she needs to be "loyal" to either you or B and must choose sides. A should know that it's adult friendship, not a sixth grade kickball game where people have to pick who's on their side to play.

It does remind me of middle school, actuallt.😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ghost them. 3 is a crowd. You will never feel comfortable with them.

I agree I won't be comfortable in a triangle with them. We have a larger group we are a part of. When this group is together, there are too many people around for drama to pop up. Luckily, there are a few older, wiser women in this group who I am connecting with.

[Anonymous]

Some people are just drama and it’s better to steer clear if you can.

[Anonymous]

I think A is the type to whisper in both ears and sit back in her calm, collected way to enjoy the drama. I wouldn’t talk to A about what happened, because she’s likely to report back to B.

Doesn’t mean you can’t see them in a larger group, but I’d keep it light and talk surface level things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's probably borderline personality disorder.

I don't think she is mentally ill. I believe she is hurting and is stuck in the past. Even though it's been years, her emotions are raw like it happened weeks or months ago.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. Not my kind of people. Move on.

[Anonymous]

This is not behavior you would expect from grown women and you definitely know that, OP. Whether A meant to stir the pot or genuinely help, her actions were uncalled for. She should have encouraged B to come directly to you, 1:1. Instead she put herself in the middle of it, fueled the tension, and things can never go back to the way they were. This isn’t middle school. You’re probably in your 30s or even older, and life and time are too precious for the is kind of nonsense. And that’s what it is, just nonsense. No emotionally healthy person gets offended by a comment like the one you made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's probably borderline personality disorder.

I don't think she is mentally ill. I believe she is hurting and is stuck in the past. Even though it's been years, her emotions are raw like it happened weeks or months ago.

You’re right, she probably is. But she shouldn’t be taking it out on her friends. She sounds like a really difficult person and you just have to cut those people loose.