Is she a frenemy or aita?

[Anonymous]

I met 2 women last January. We share many interests and see each other a few times a month or more. One of them, A, is laid back and consistently kind and friendly. The other one, B, runs hot and cold with me. She rants about her (6years now) ex dh every time I see her. I usually just nod and keep quiet when she does this, but, a few weeks ago, I said he sounds like a jerk. Last night, we were all at dinner and A nudged B to express herself to me. B proceeds to tell me my comment hurt her feelings and I made her cry. I felt ambushed and surprised, but I didn't show my feelings, except to sincerely apologize to B. I felt sorry that what I said hurt her, but I didn't take it back, if that matters. For the rest of the dinner, B interrupted me and was critical of what I did manage to say. She's not my friend, right, or am I an ahole?

[Anonymous]

Why are we all Jane Austens? Just say- whoa you were the one complaining about him. You said this, this, this. That sounds like a jerk. If you don't like it, don't talk about him.

[Anonymous]

She’s not your friend and she’s a PITA.

[Anonymous]

Well someone who still complains about an ex after six years might have a thing for being a victim. Maybe the ex-talk is getting old and she was excited to get to be "victimized" by something fresher.

In any case, she sounds like bad news.

[Anonymous]

She’s not your friend and it sounds like she enjoys stirring up drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well someone who still complains about an ex after six years might have a thing for being a victim. Maybe the ex-talk is getting old and she was excited to get to be "victimized" by something fresher.

In any case, she sounds like bad news.

Yes, the way she acted so hurt, it made me think I must have victimized her somehow. Or, at least, she felt I had hurt her deeply. On reflection, the words "high drama" kept popping in my brain. It's funny because she has no problem criticizing me or questioning my judgement. It doesn't hurt me, though, because I am secure with my choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are we all Jane Austens? Just say- whoa you were the one complaining about him. You said this, this, this. That sounds like a jerk. If you don't like it, don't talk about him.

I tried that at first, in a joking way because I didn't think she was serious at first. She had a pained look on her face and I apologized. She said I was intense when I said it, which bothered her, too. Friendship should be fun and easy. This is not fun.

[Anonymous]

Not your friend. She’s a drama Queen. Drop her.

[Anonymous]

Person A did a little pot stirring too, here, by the way.

[Anonymous]

She sounds insufferable, OP, and you are not the arsehole, but just so you know: never outright criticize a spouse or ex-spouse directly. Even if they really deserve it! Because the person you're talking to will have complicated feelings about it, and even if SHE thinks he was a jerk, YOU don't get to say the same thing.

One of those unwritten rules that trip up innocent bystanders

[Anonymous]

Op here. Any thoughts about friend A, who organized the dinner and then urged B to talk to me? I suppose they talked about me behind my back and cooked up this plan to confront me. I have other friends who talk plainly and tell me right away if there's an issue, thankfully.

[Anonymous]

This all sounds like too much work. I would pull back from both of these women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds insufferable, OP, and you are not the arsehole, but just so you know: never outright criticize a spouse or ex-spouse directly. Even if they really deserve it! Because the person you're talking to will have complicated feelings about it, and even if SHE thinks he was a jerk, YOU don't get to say the same thing.

One of those unwritten rules that trip up innocent bystanders

Oh, I know that rule well! It slipped out and she didn't call me on it, so I surmised she let it go. Instead, she let it simmer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This all sounds like too much work. I would pull back from both of these women.

That's the plan. Thanks for confirming it's a decent one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Any thoughts about friend A, who organized the dinner and then urged B to talk to me? I suppose they talked about me behind my back and cooked up this plan to confront me. I have other friends who talk plainly and tell me right away if there's an issue, thankfully.

Person A is 100p part of the problem. They have the little routine down pat.