Dealing with competitive parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally love competitive parents because I get good ideas & information from them. Without them I might not learn about x camp or y activity that my DC might like. I put up with the competitive chatter so I can data mine.

Interesting approach. I will admit that here and there I do get a good idea from them. But truly competitive people will actually be cagey about that info specifically because they are competitive. Like all the examples in the thread of stuff like "oh I don't think they work with older children" or "oh I'd tell you but it's really expensive" or whatever. They know people like you will data mine and the whole point for them is to be the best and have the best, so they withhold.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My experience as a parent living in Bethesda since my kids were little - they're now teens, and one is in college:

A lot of parents I came across had one activity or academic thing their kids were good at, and were able to provide useful feedback for me as to which were the best instructors, what businesses to avoid, how to get a child to advance rapidly, etc. I appreciated that, and tried to pay it forward to parents of younger kids.

Since I'm not insecure about my parenting or my kids... I don't process these conversations as attacks, or mean competition, or anything negative at all. One of my children has special needs and needed a LOT of therapies and tutoring, and my other child is gifted. I've experienced the gamut, so I don't feel jealousy or shame or guilt or anything negative when someone else's child does better, or their parents boasts about them. I hope that others give me the benefit of the doubt when I share some of my kids' accomplishments.

After 18 years of doing this, I can reiterate that none of these parents seek to hurt you. They want to share their children's accomplishments and useful tips that have worked for them. I am always glad when someone is happy enough to share their kid's achievement with me - regardless of whether my kid has done better or worse. If you go through your parenting years thinking everyone is out to judge you and your kids, then you're going to make yourself miserable. Take things at face value, always assume good intentions.

I don’t think the issue is that competitive parents are trying to hurt you. I never think “oh no, dies this mean I’m not a good parent? Is my kid not succeeding?” I just think it’s boring and bad conversation.

A weird thing some competitive parents do is try to give you advice even when you say you’re happy with something. This is very irritating and just makes me want to get away. I don’t want your advice on which travel soccer teams have the best coaches, because as I have said three times now, my kid’s interest in soccer is social only and we’re totally happy with rec league.

Competitive people are tedious and when they are competitive about their kids it’s often even worse because so many parenting topics are deadly dull.

Just read a book, talk about a tv show you liked, tell me about your non-parenting hobby, recount a funny story from your last family vacation. I do not want ti spend a child’s bday party discussing reading levels omg. Lighten tf up.

PP you replied to.

I have to disagree with you, and many other people on this thread. I think it's just a matter of interest and time spent together. There are some parents who find it enjoyable to talk about parenting. They seek out like-minded parents and this is perhaps the group labeled as Tiger Parent or helicopter parent by others. Then there are others who, despite their loving their children equally well, prefer talking about something else, like current events or the latest book or movie.

But in the end, at dinner parties and get-togethers, most people talk about everything. There is enough time to broach all these subjects. So if you run into someone who talks about their kids, well, if you had more time together, you might find out they also love to talk about the latest Trump indictments or the Ukraine war or the finer points in Oppenheimer. Personally, I am that parent.

So I don't think it's fair to label others and judge them for eternity based on snippets of conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yea I haven’t come across this. Most of the people I know are happy to share info.

Maybe they don’t like you or your kid and are worried you might join a dance class and have to spend more time with you. That is the only reason I wouldn’t share the info.

You’ve been lucky. When I first moved here, I asked an acquaintance if she could recommend a salon. She replied “I love the girl who cuts my hair, but she’s really expensive.”

And no other information. I encounter the same with kid’s activities, restaurants, sign-ups for stuff, and even the school uniform sale. My policy to counteract this behavior is to share info completely and generously, especially when it comes to activities that fill quickly, hard to get appointments, or hard to find items.

+1

Don't even bother to ask about babysitters. Though I have known other moms to try to poach for less money LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m looking for practical advice here, not just complaining.

I often encounter fellow parents who are intensely competitive about stuff like academic development (“oh Clara isn’t reading chapter books yet? Henry was reasoning Harry Potter by the time he started first grade, so funny”), activities (“oh we started Maggie in swim at 3 because if they can’t do three strokes by 6, they’ll probably never make club swim”), and a variety of other things.

Setting aside the underlying parenting choices, I find the competitive conversation exhausting. My instinct is to try and find a point of connection, but this doesn’t work with competitive people because they view it as a challenge (“oh Jane does ballet? Margot is interested in starting— what studio do you go to” gets you “well I’ll give you the name but I don’t think they take 8 yr olds as new students, maybe try parks and rec for less serious classes”). I don’t want to engage in a back and forth of comparing and topping.

So what strategies do you use for diffusing these parents? Just say nothing at all? Feels rude but I’m willing to try. I just need some strategies for getting through neighborhood bbq’s, school events, and kid’s parties without tearing my hair out.

Welcome to the DC area! Prepare for many more encounters for years to come lol.

[Anonymous]

I don't mind it when parents say something like, "we started swim at 3...." People can't help but brag. But I hate it when they word it like, "Oh Carla isn't reading chapter books yet?..." Bringing my kid's name into it as a negative way. I think a lot of parents don't even realize they are saying it. But it's incredibly rude and in those cases I always say, "every kid is different and has different strengths."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yea I haven’t come across this. Most of the people I know are happy to share info.

Maybe they don’t like you or your kid and are worried you might join a dance class and have to spend more time with you. That is the only reason I wouldn’t share the info.

You’ve been lucky. When I first moved here, I asked an acquaintance if she could recommend a salon. She replied “I love the girl who cuts my hair, but she’s really expensive.”

And no other information. I encounter the same with kid’s activities, restaurants, sign-ups for stuff, and even the school uniform sale. My policy to counteract this behavior is to share info completely and generously, especially when it comes to activities that fill quickly, hard to get appointments, or hard to find items.

This is your fault! You don’t know these people well enough to ask this.

This person is saying some combo of:
“I don’t recommend my hair person because it’s not a good value”
“I don’t want you to know where I get my hair done and how much I pay”
“I’m afraid if you find out how much I spend on my hair, you’re going to pull a face and/or comment.”

[Anonymous]

A lot of apologists for rude, competitive folks on here. Not a surprise!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My experience as a parent living in Bethesda since my kids were little - they're now teens, and one is in college:

A lot of parents I came across had one activity or academic thing their kids were good at, and were able to provide useful feedback for me as to which were the best instructors, what businesses to avoid, how to get a child to advance rapidly, etc. I appreciated that, and tried to pay it forward to parents of younger kids.

Since I'm not insecure about my parenting or my kids... I don't process these conversations as attacks, or mean competition, or anything negative at all. One of my children has special needs and needed a LOT of therapies and tutoring, and my other child is gifted. I've experienced the gamut, so I don't feel jealousy or shame or guilt or anything negative when someone else's child does better, or their parents boasts about them. I hope that others give me the benefit of the doubt when I share some of my kids' accomplishments.

After 18 years of doing this, I can reiterate that none of these parents seek to hurt you. They want to share their children's accomplishments and useful tips that have worked for them. I am always glad when someone is happy enough to share their kid's achievement with me - regardless of whether my kid has done better or worse. If you go through your parenting years thinking everyone is out to judge you and your kids, then you're going to make yourself miserable. Take things at face value, always assume good intentions.

I don’t think the issue is that competitive parents are trying to hurt you. I never think “oh no, dies this mean I’m not a good parent? Is my kid not succeeding?” I just think it’s boring and bad conversation.

A weird thing some competitive parents do is try to give you advice even when you say you’re happy with something. This is very irritating and just makes me want to get away. I don’t want your advice on which travel soccer teams have the best coaches, because as I have said three times now, my kid’s interest in soccer is social only and we’re totally happy with rec league.

Competitive people are tedious and when they are competitive about their kids it’s often even worse because so many parenting topics are deadly dull.

Just read a book, talk about a tv show you liked, tell me about your non-parenting hobby, recount a funny story from your last family vacation. I do not want ti spend a child’s bday party discussing reading levels omg. Lighten tf up.

PP you replied to.

I have to disagree with you, and many other people on this thread. I think it's just a matter of interest and time spent together. There are some parents who find it enjoyable to talk about parenting. They seek out like-minded parents and this is perhaps the group labeled as Tiger Parent or helicopter parent by others. Then there are others who, despite their loving their children equally well, prefer talking about something else, like current events or the latest book or movie.

But in the end, at dinner parties and get-togethers, most people talk about everything. There is enough time to broach all these subjects. So if you run into someone who talks about their kids, well, if you had more time together, you might find out they also love to talk about the latest Trump indictments or the Ukraine war or the finer points in Oppenheimer. Personally, I am that parent.

So I don't think it's fair to label others and judge them for eternity based on snippets of conversation.

You sound like you are the competitive parent going on and on about your kids’ success and you are even competitive about whether or not this can be viewed as competitive.

You are likely insecure and it makes you behave this way, and you know it’s obnoxious but can’t seem to stop, and you are just hoping people will hang in there with you long enough for you to stop feeling so insecure that you constantly word vomit about how perfect your kids are all the time. Well, this thread is letting you know that a lot if people won’t, so it’s time to address your behavior.

[Anonymous]

Just ask them basic conversational questions like whether they have any travel plans, hows it going, what's new, how liking neighborhood.

If they ask anything academic, I'd say something like oh, I try not to even think about school on weekends. I will think about it Monday, I'm still in a vacation state of mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yea I haven’t come across this. Most of the people I know are happy to share info.

Maybe they don’t like you or your kid and are worried you might join a dance class and have to spend more time with you. That is the only reason I wouldn’t share the info.

You’ve been lucky. When I first moved here, I asked an acquaintance if she could recommend a salon. She replied “I love the girl who cuts my hair, but she’s really expensive.”

And no other information. I encounter the same with kid’s activities, restaurants, sign-ups for stuff, and even the school uniform sale. My policy to counteract this behavior is to share info completely and generously, especially when it comes to activities that fill quickly, hard to get appointments, or hard to find items.

This is your fault! You don’t know these people well enough to ask this.

This person is saying some combo of:
“I don’t recommend my hair person because it’s not a good value”
“I don’t want you to know where I get my hair done and how much I pay”
“I’m afraid if you find out how much I spend on my hair, you’re going to pull a face and/or comment.”

That’s bizarre that you would have to know someone well to ask them about a hair salon. I found the climate in DC to be freakish and bizarre coming from a military base overseas where people were friendly and shared information

[Anonymous]

Sharing information. Learning from each other. We're all in this together. I wouldn't discount that this is where this is coming from.

Sometimes parents quickly reveal a child's strength. They want to feel you out, if this is an area you share.

DD was a serious piano student. Her BFF was a serious figure skater. Two different worlds. As Moms, we knew to talk about other things. Very useful though, to help understand why each daughter was busy with a rigid schedule.

Neighborhoods and places where you are running into people you know, are pretty small ponds. It's not like anything their child is doing or excelling at, is going to impede or impact your own children's success. Not out in the big, wide world. You may as well gain understanding from your small pond and not get your back up.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this and I chalk it up to lack of self confidence and just ignore.

[Anonymous]

"Congrats, she's very talented"
"Oh, I'm glad she's found something she loves!"
"That sounds interesting."

or if they ask about my kid.
"Oh, I don't remember the exact test score, but I think she did pretty well" or "Yeah, she thinks soccer is really fun!"

And because we live in Fairfax County: "Nope, she's not in AAP, she's exactly where she needs to be. Mr. X is a fantastic teacher, we're so pleased with how the year has gone!"

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yea I haven’t come across this. Most of the people I know are happy to share info.

Maybe they don’t like you or your kid and are worried you might join a dance class and have to spend more time with you. That is the only reason I wouldn’t share the info.

You’ve been lucky. When I first moved here, I asked an acquaintance if she could recommend a salon. She replied “I love the girl who cuts my hair, but she’s really expensive.”

And no other information. I encounter the same with kid’s activities, restaurants, sign-ups for stuff, and even the school uniform sale. My policy to counteract this behavior is to share info completely and generously, especially when it comes to activities that fill quickly, hard to get appointments, or hard to find items.

This is your fault! You don’t know these people well enough to ask this.

This person is saying some combo of:
“I don’t recommend my hair person because it’s not a good value”
“I don’t want you to know where I get my hair done and how much I pay”
“I’m afraid if you find out how much I spend on my hair, you’re going to pull a face and/or comment.”

That’s bizarre that you would have to know someone well to ask them about a hair salon. I found the climate in DC to be freakish and bizarre coming from a military base overseas where people were friendly and shared information

I’ve been in DC 20 years and find the PP’s response super strange, too. Of course you don’t need to know someone well to ask about a salon recommendation! That is not an intimate conversation. It means that superficially, she seems to have nice enough hair not to steer you wrong there. That’s it.

You wouldn’t even have to recommend your own salon if you didn’t want to. “Oh I’ve been to a few places, I’ll write them down for you. Also, you should ask Marie because her hair always looks great so I know she’ll have good recs.” See, noncommittal, but helpful, without being weird.

Not that hard folks.

[Anonymous]

I just smile and nod and remember how my child sleeps and eats everything and is go with the flow and doesn’t tantrum and so honestly whatever chapter book you want, brag about, bc you have to send your kid special lunches to camp bc they only eat white stuff. So I’ll take the trade off personally. I’m trying to raise an adult here, not a fast reader.