Dealing with competitive parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My experience as a parent living in Bethesda since my kids were little - they're now teens, and one is in college:

A lot of parents I came across had one activity or academic thing their kids were good at, and were able to provide useful feedback for me as to which were the best instructors, what businesses to avoid, how to get a child to advance rapidly, etc. I appreciated that, and tried to pay it forward to parents of younger kids.

Since I'm not insecure about my parenting or my kids... I don't process these conversations as attacks, or mean competition, or anything negative at all. One of my children has special needs and needed a LOT of therapies and tutoring, and my other child is gifted. I've experienced the gamut, so I don't feel jealousy or shame or guilt or anything negative when someone else's child does better, or their parents boasts about them. I hope that others give me the benefit of the doubt when I share some of my kids' accomplishments.

After 18 years of doing this, I can reiterate that none of these parents seek to hurt you. They want to share their children's accomplishments and useful tips that have worked for them. I am always glad when someone is happy enough to share their kid's achievement with me - regardless of whether my kid has done better or worse. If you go through your parenting years thinking everyone is out to judge you and your kids, then you're going to make yourself miserable. Take things at face value, always assume good intentions.

I don’t think the issue is that competitive parents are trying to hurt you. I never think “oh no, dies this mean I’m not a good parent? Is my kid not succeeding?” I just think it’s boring and bad conversation.

A weird thing some competitive parents do is try to give you advice even when you say you’re happy with something. This is very irritating and just makes me want to get away. I don’t want your advice on which travel soccer teams have the best coaches, because as I have said three times now, my kid’s interest in soccer is social only and we’re totally happy with rec league.

Competitive people are tedious and when they are competitive about their kids it’s often even worse because so many parenting topics are deadly dull.

Just read a book, talk about a tv show you liked, tell me about your non-parenting hobby, recount a funny story from your last family vacation. I do not want ti spend a child’s bday party discussing reading levels omg. Lighten tf up.

PP you replied to.

I have to disagree with you, and many other people on this thread. I think it's just a matter of interest and time spent together. There are some parents who find it enjoyable to talk about parenting. They seek out like-minded parents and this is perhaps the group labeled as Tiger Parent or helicopter parent by others. Then there are others who, despite their loving their children equally well, prefer talking about something else, like current events or the latest book or movie.

But in the end, at dinner parties and get-togethers, most people talk about everything. There is enough time to broach all these subjects. So if you run into someone who talks about their kids, well, if you had more time together, you might find out they also love to talk about the latest Trump indictments or the Ukraine war or the finer points in Oppenheimer. Personally, I am that parent.

So I don't think it's fair to label others and judge them for eternity based on snippets of conversation.

You sound like you are the competitive parent going on and on about your kids’ success and you are even competitive about whether or not this can be viewed as competitive.

You are likely insecure and it makes you behave this way, and you know it’s obnoxious but can’t seem to stop, and you are just hoping people will hang in there with you long enough for you to stop feeling so insecure that you constantly word vomit about how perfect your kids are all the time. Well, this thread is letting you know that a lot if people won’t, so it’s time to address your behavior.

I’m a SAHM so I probably talk about my kids and kid related topics. I can also talk about current events and politics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My experience as a parent living in Bethesda since my kids were little - they're now teens, and one is in college:

A lot of parents I came across had one activity or academic thing their kids were good at, and were able to provide useful feedback for me as to which were the best instructors, what businesses to avoid, how to get a child to advance rapidly, etc. I appreciated that, and tried to pay it forward to parents of younger kids.

Since I'm not insecure about my parenting or my kids... I don't process these conversations as attacks, or mean competition, or anything negative at all. One of my children has special needs and needed a LOT of therapies and tutoring, and my other child is gifted. I've experienced the gamut, so I don't feel jealousy or shame or guilt or anything negative when someone else's child does better, or their parents boasts about them. I hope that others give me the benefit of the doubt when I share some of my kids' accomplishments.

After 18 years of doing this, I can reiterate that none of these parents seek to hurt you. They want to share their children's accomplishments and useful tips that have worked for them. I am always glad when someone is happy enough to share their kid's achievement with me - regardless of whether my kid has done better or worse. If you go through your parenting years thinking everyone is out to judge you and your kids, then you're going to make yourself miserable. Take things at face value, always assume good intentions.

I don’t think the issue is that competitive parents are trying to hurt you. I never think “oh no, dies this mean I’m not a good parent? Is my kid not succeeding?” I just think it’s boring and bad conversation.

A weird thing some competitive parents do is try to give you advice even when you say you’re happy with something. This is very irritating and just makes me want to get away. I don’t want your advice on which travel soccer teams have the best coaches, because as I have said three times now, my kid’s interest in soccer is social only and we’re totally happy with rec league.

Competitive people are tedious and when they are competitive about their kids it’s often even worse because so many parenting topics are deadly dull.

Just read a book, talk about a tv show you liked, tell me about your non-parenting hobby, recount a funny story from your last family vacation. I do not want ti spend a child’s bday party discussing reading levels omg. Lighten tf up.

PP you replied to.

I have to disagree with you, and many other people on this thread. I think it's just a matter of interest and time spent together. There are some parents who find it enjoyable to talk about parenting. They seek out like-minded parents and this is perhaps the group labeled as Tiger Parent or helicopter parent by others. Then there are others who, despite their loving their children equally well, prefer talking about something else, like current events or the latest book or movie.

But in the end, at dinner parties and get-togethers, most people talk about everything. There is enough time to broach all these subjects. So if you run into someone who talks about their kids, well, if you had more time together, you might find out they also love to talk about the latest Trump indictments or the Ukraine war or the finer points in Oppenheimer. Personally, I am that parent.

So I don't think it's fair to label others and judge them for eternity based on snippets of conversation.

You sound like you are the competitive parent going on and on about your kids’ success and you are even competitive about whether or not this can be viewed as competitive.

You are likely insecure and it makes you behave this way, and you know it’s obnoxious but can’t seem to stop, and you are just hoping people will hang in there with you long enough for you to stop feeling so insecure that you constantly word vomit about how perfect your kids are all the time. Well, this thread is letting you know that a lot if people won’t, so it’s time to address your behavior.

I’m a SAHM so I probably talk about my kids and kid related topics. I can also talk about current events and politics.

Wow so cool

I wrote that after I got woken up in the middle of the night. My kids are thriving and excel at almost everything. I try not to be smug about it and don’t brag about my kids. My kids are pretty awesome though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't mind it when parents say something like, "we started swim at 3...." People can't help but brag. But I hate it when they word it like, "Oh Carla isn't reading chapter books yet?..." Bringing my kid's name into it as a negative way. I think a lot of parents don't even realize they are saying it. But it's incredibly rude and in those cases I always say, "every kid is different and has different strengths."

I agree with this. I truly don’t mind when others talk about their children’s accomplishments. Especially if they are my friend, I genuinely like hearing about things they are succeeding in and how well they are doing. As long as they aren’t comparing them to mine or talking negatively about mine- which I haven’t found to be the case, but can see how that might happen with acquaintances. My friends and I all share the accomplishments our children have. But we also share the challenges and struggles too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't mind it when parents say something like, "we started swim at 3...." People can't help but brag. But I hate it when they word it like, "Oh Carla isn't reading chapter books yet?..." Bringing my kid's name into it as a negative way. I think a lot of parents don't even realize they are saying it. But it's incredibly rude and in those cases I always say, "every kid is different and has different strengths."

I agree with this. I truly don’t mind when others talk about their children’s accomplishments. Especially if they are my friend, I genuinely like hearing about things they are succeeding in and how well they are doing. As long as they aren’t comparing them to mine or talking negatively about mine- which I haven’t found to be the case, but can see how that might happen with acquaintances. My friends and I all share the accomplishments our children have. But we also share the challenges and struggles too.

+1

That is the definition of being a friend - but some parents are one way, and only want to talk about their kid, which gets tiring. OTOH, I do know some true superstars, and their parents barely talk about them. Their parents know that they are superstars. I suppose some parents could be jealous of those kids, and that could be dangerous, depending on how off kilter the other parents may or may not be.

The competitive or insecure parents can be off the deep end, truly. If this is the case, OP, you have my permission to drop them. Any positive they bring to the equation is far outweighed by their negative traits.

[Anonymous]

All depends on circumstances. Some kids are just talented and I actually enjoy hearing about kids’ accomplishments, just as I don’t mind hearing about friends’ promotions or good things in their lives. I don’t really know anyone who puts others down in the process. This may be more your insecurity.

Then again, we live in an affluent area where everyone seems smart and talented at something. A few kids really stand out but most kids are doing what they enjoy. I guess my kids are good at what they do so I don’t feel bad if other kids also do well in what they so. My boys are very athletic but hated instruments. If some other kid is a talented musician and mention their solo, I don’t think anything of it. I may say my kids hate practicing their instrument. I don’t go around saying how good my kids are at sports. Kids at school know. Their teammmates know. Others don’t and I don’t feel the need to tell them.

[Anonymous]

I make an excuse to leave the conversation and make a mental note to avoid this person in the future. Talking with people like that is a waste of time, IME. I can lurk here for tips from how the #blessed live.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. My oldest is now in high school. When he was younger and I was a more insecure parent, it made me feel bad when other kids were reading or swimming or riding a bike when he could do none of those things. It felt like everyone was more advanced than he was and it made me feel bad.

Now he is a straight A student and competitive athlete. There are kids we know who are Olympic hopefuls or will one day be recruited athletes. This does not bother me one bit. Some kids are true academic superstars winning academic competitions and that is fine too. I don’t feel bad at all. I’m glad my child was able to participate and learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. My oldest is now in high school. When he was younger and I was a more insecure parent, it made me feel bad when other kids were reading or swimming or riding a bike when he could do none of those things. It felt like everyone was more advanced than he was and it made me feel bad.

Now he is a straight A student and competitive athlete. There are kids we know who are Olympic hopefuls or will one day be recruited athletes. This does not bother me one bit. Some kids are true academic superstars winning academic competitions and that is fine too. I don’t feel bad at all. I’m glad my child was able to participate and learn.

This has nothing to do with competitive parents, though. I get what you are saying -- there have been things my kid learned later than other kids and it's always a little hard because you wonder if you are doing something wrong or if they will catch up. And then they do.

But the issue of competitive parents is separate. There are many ways in which my kids are doing great, but I still don't like talking to competitive parents on those subjects. Like my kid actually read on the early side and is a very strong reader now. I actually hate discussing this with people who are ultra-competitive because the fact that my kid took to that one thing pretty easily will feel like a challenge to them, and they'll be even more intense than if their kid was further along than mine.

I just dislike that intensity you can sometimes feel coming off a very competitive person where you can feel they are looking for a way to "win" the conversation or assert their dominance. It's probably my least favorite personality trait, whether we're talking about another parent or not. I much prefer to interact with people who feel very secure in themselves, or if they are insecure, deal with it in an internal way instead of trying to use me as some kind of measuring stick to make themselves feel better (or lash out if they feel worse).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. My oldest is now in high school. When he was younger and I was a more insecure parent, it made me feel bad when other kids were reading or swimming or riding a bike when he could do none of those things. It felt like everyone was more advanced than he was and it made me feel bad.

Now he is a straight A student and competitive athlete. There are kids we know who are Olympic hopefuls or will one day be recruited athletes. This does not bother me one bit. Some kids are true academic superstars winning academic competitions and that is fine too. I don’t feel bad at all. I’m glad my child was able to participate and learn.

This has nothing to do with competitive parents, though. I get what you are saying -- there have been things my kid learned later than other kids and it's always a little hard because you wonder if you are doing something wrong or if they will catch up. And then they do.

But the issue of competitive parents is separate. There are many ways in which my kids are doing great, but I still don't like talking to competitive parents on those subjects. Like my kid actually read on the early side and is a very strong reader now. I actually hate discussing this with people who are ultra-competitive because the fact that my kid took to that one thing pretty easily will feel like a challenge to them, and they'll be even more intense than if their kid was further along than mine.

I just dislike that intensity you can sometimes feel coming off a very competitive person where you can feel they are looking for a way to "win" the conversation or assert their dominance. It's probably my least favorite personality trait, whether we're talking about another parent or not. I much prefer to interact with people who feel very secure in themselves, or if they are insecure, deal with it in an internal way instead of trying to use me as some kind of measuring stick to make themselves feel better (or lash out if they feel worse).

Pp here. We live in McLean. I don’t know if parents are competitive but it feels like almost every environment is somewhat competitive. Maybe I’m one of those competitive parents OP is complaining about although I am not putting anyone down. I get no joy putting down another person’s child.

[Anonymous]

What age are you talking about?

In early elementary, kids are just trying things out. By upper elementary/middle school, it becomes obvious which kids are good or not.

I cannot imagine some parent of a travel soccer player saying to another parent whose kid is unathletic about why their kid isn’t trying out for travel. My kids play tennis. I used to invite my kids’ friends to the same camps when kids were younger. My kids try to get on the same teams and attend the same clinics and camps.

Are you confusing including you as being competitive?

Over the years, my kids have played baseball, soccer, tennis, swim, basketball, golf, volleyball, chess, science Olympiad, odyssey of the mind, debate and probably others. Some my kids excelled. Others they hated. There are some crazy travel sports parents who are too involved in kids sports. Maybe it is because my kids have always been as good as their teammates that I don’t even get bothered by the crazy sports parents. I just see them at practice. Sometimes I talk to them. I just don’t care. I’m pretty indifferent with most parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't mind it when parents say something like, "we started swim at 3...." People can't help but brag. But I hate it when they word it like, "Oh Carla isn't reading chapter books yet?..." Bringing my kid's name into it as a negative way. I think a lot of parents don't even realize they are saying it. But it's incredibly rude and in those cases I always say, "every kid is different and has different strengths."

Agreed, and I'm pretty sure I've had times where I've come across as bragging without realizing it! My kid is the one who was riding a pedal bike (no training wheels) before age 4 but at 7 is most definitely NOT reading chapter books yet, but he has friends who are advanced readers but can't yet ride a bike. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

There are some things like swimming where I truly like to compare notes with parents because I don't always know the best approach and think we can learn from eachother. Agree with the PP who said the most competitive ones will be cagey about resources though, they're probably the most annoying.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your kids are young.

My 6yo daughter just started reading chapter books. Sometimes I speak to other parents about activities. She literally could not read 4-5 months ago and went from BOB books to early readers to chapter books this summer.

We know a lot of different types of families. Some kids are socially awkward and advanced academically. Some kids are athletic and not reading yet. Maybe you are new to the school kid scene but this is just small talk. A lot of friends we know are on swim team and we feel left out. I could have signed my daughter up but she and I both weren’t excited about it. None of these kids are competitive swimmers. One friend was super happy she came in third. Her mom later told me she came in 3rd out of 4 kids. I still gave her a high five and told her that was amazing. This family has very athletic parents (D1 college athletes who got married) and I wouldn’t say they are competitive at all. They mention they are busy taking their kids to sports. Speaking to my daughter’s friend, she sounds significantly more athletic than my daughter. My daughter does ballet with other kindergartners. We know older girls who are competitive gymnasts or on competitive dance teams. They mention it here and there. I guess I’m just aware of it and don’t think much of it.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to add that I don’t really care what most people talk about. A lot of people ramble about their jobs whether it is complaining or acting very self important. My DH is very successful and we hate when people try to pitch him at social gatherings. If we are at a family bbq, I don’t mind hearing about your kid’s baseball game. Sure, it is boring but it is better than you rambling about your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually said “oh wow” or “great.” I don’t take it personally, so for the most part I didn’t really care.

My fave moment was when a friend said that her kid got a 98 on an exam. Her kid is very smart, and she was happy about it. My kid, however, got a 99 so I was over the moon. I didn’t say anything back but “wow,” and I still think about how delicious it is that nobody knows but us, which is most important.

I just didn’t engage. When it comes to my friends’ kids, I’m genuinely happy about their wins. But, we talk about losses and the hard stuff too.

Lol I tell them my parents used to beat the crap out of me if I got a 98 (how dumb are you to not get a 100). Then I say hey I guess it worked out because it was less annoying to get a 100 than to deal with them - probably why I went to HYP.

Sit back and watch the show on their faces then as they process what you mean. Only white people would be proud of a 98 and think it meant something, lol.

Racist twit. Not lol.

Aw, hit a nerve did I? Now you’ll know better than to brag about your kids mediocrity.

Also look up the definition of racist and why I can’t be racist towards white people. A jackass, sure, of which I am proud.

DP. Do you think you are being clever? Annoying, yes but clever, not so much.