Dealing with competitive parents
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I’m looking for practical advice here, not just complaining.
I often encounter fellow parents who are intensely competitive about stuff like academic development (“oh Clara isn’t reading chapter books yet? Henry was reasoning Harry Potter by the time he started first grade, so funny”), activities (“oh we started Maggie in swim at 3 because if they can’t do three strokes by 6, they’ll probably never make club swim”), and a variety of other things. Setting aside the underlying parenting choices, I find the competitive conversation exhausting. My instinct is to try and find a point of connection, but this doesn’t work with competitive people because they view it as a challenge (“oh Jane does ballet? Margot is interested in starting— what studio do you go to” gets you “well I’ll give you the name but I don’t think they take 8 yr olds as new students, maybe try parks and rec for less serious classes”). I don’t want to engage in a back and forth of comparing and topping. So what strategies do you use for diffusing these parents? Just say nothing at all? Feels rude but I’m willing to try. I just need some strategies for getting through neighborhood bbq’s, school events, and kid’s parties without tearing my hair out. |
Anonymous
|
Don't engage with them about your kids once they try to start this nonsense. Change the subject to a neutral topic or ask a polite follow up and then move on to the next person.
The real trick is just not to care. It's hard because we instinctively get defensive about our kids and parenting, but there is no winning here, so just shrug it off and move on. |
Anonymous
| Internally, be grateful because they are letting you know early on they aren’t your people. Externally, politely make an excuse to go talk to someone else. |
Anonymous
|
I usually said “oh wow” or “great.” I don’t take it personally, so for the most part I didn’t really care.
My fave moment was when a friend said that her kid got a 98 on an exam. Her kid is very smart, and she was happy about it. My kid, however, got a 99 so I was over the moon. I didn’t say anything back but “wow,” and I still think about how delicious it is that nobody knows but us, which is most important. I just didn’t engage. When it comes to my friends’ kids, I’m genuinely happy about their wins. But, we talk about losses and the hard stuff too. |
Anonymous
|
Yes, I just ignore it. I have found that parents who do this are not intentionally trying to criticize or belittle your kids, they are simply so wrapped up in their own kid that they don’t see how their comments come across. They’re just insecure parents. Don’t take it personal.
Also helps when you spend time with their kids, and realize that they are not the genius / athlete / gift to the world that their parents make them out to be. I do know what you’re talking about, but I don’t come across parents like this often. Either I’ve gotten immune to it by ignoring it, or you are super sensitive to it? Try ignoring it and see if you can tune them out! |
Anonymous
| I’m polite but move on to another topic quickly. My kid is by nature not competitive either and has interests that take a huge parental investment (sailing and skiing) and so l actually don’t have much to say in a one up conversation. |
Anonymous
|
You have to make a mindful and conscious decision not to engage and participate. And then you also have to give yourself permission to find these people a little nutty.
Also, this is born from deep, deep insecurity about their parenting. If you can find it in yourself to find something genuinely good about their parenting to compliment it sometimes ends the endless one-upsmanship. “Henry was reading chapter books by first grade” “That’s so great. You know Emily, it’s amazing that you find the time every night to read with Henry— carving out that time is so hard and so important” |
Anonymous
| Just stop spending time with these people. And if you really have to be around them — kid, smile and move on. |
Anonymous
| * nod, smile and move on. |
Anonymous
| Find new friends. This behavior is exhausting and doesn't get better. |
Anonymous
OP here. These are not my friends! I wouldn't tolerate that. They are parents from school or the neighborhood, sometimes friends of friends we will encounter at a bbq or house party. We've had three weekends of events like this in a row where I wound up encountering multiple people like this and after weekend 3 I realized I need some kind of strategy because it's obvious I'm going to be dealing with it with some frequency. Thanks for the tips so far. I need to work on my skills to redirect conversations. Thinking I need to ask people about their vacations more. I think competitive types love talking about their vacations, and that's better than being competitive about kids at least. |
Anonymous
Thing is, you sound competitive too. |
Anonymous
|
I live in PG county and no one ever says anything like this to me. So it may just be a part of the culture where you live tbh. A downside that presumably comes along with a lot of benefits.
Mostly though I would just not say anything. The thing about the ballet studio sounds almost helpful, no? Or just say “wow, that’s so impressive” or idk what. Or change the subject. This isn’t that hard, it’s just that this particular thing is getting your goat. |
Anonymous
9/10 I LOLed. |
Anonymous
|
If you are truly stuck, make a game of stock phrases you can sneak in:
"That's marvelous!" "I didnt know this, you're telling me this for the first time" "You're kidding! Go on..." "You gotta do what ya gotta do." "The days are long but the years are short." Sometimes I transcribe the conversation in my head as it happens like a court reporter, it gives my face a thoughtful look. |