Dealing with competitive parents

[Anonymous]

Easy, have a kid with SN. No one wants to talk to you about your child. Even most competitive (not all by a long shot!) parents are so very uncomfortable that they try to find something, anything else to talk about.

I do have many more non-kid-centered conversations with the non-competitive parents as a result. One of the very small benefits, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally love competitive parents because I get good ideas & information from them. Without them I might not learn about x camp or y activity that my DC might like. I put up with the competitive chatter so I can data mine.

Interesting approach. I will admit that here and there I do get a good idea from them. But truly competitive people will actually be cagey about that info specifically because they are competitive. Like all the examples in the thread of stuff like "oh I don't think they work with older children" or "oh I'd tell you but it's really expensive" or whatever. They know people like you will data mine and the whole point for them is to be the best and have the best, so they withhold.

[Anonymous]

Remember that the worm turns.

My kids are young adults, so I have the gift of being able to look back over 20 years.

The perfect 2 year old could have a real handful at 14. The 3 year old who could read novels could be failing English class and refusing to read at 15.

And on and on.

Life is dynamic, not static. Kids change. A lot!

Simply smile. Don't say a word. Be patient, grasshopper. These boastful mothers have a way of eating their words later.

[Anonymous]

I went to law school so I am familiar with and used to gunners and show boaters. I don't really let it get to me - and I honestly feel bad for them that they are insecure and think they need to brag like that. My kids are 13, 11 and 8 now. I know when my youngest was in K, I let it get to me a bit more.

I honestly try to hang out with those people less. My friends don't like it either - you notice those people have fewer friends and I don't know if they have enough self awareness to understand why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally love competitive parents because I get good ideas & information from them. Without them I might not learn about x camp or y activity that my DC might like. I put up with the competitive chatter so I can data mine.

This!

Otherwise I try not to engage. This is a tough area, with parents so stressed about their kids getting into good colleges (even UMD is not so easy now). I try to muster a bit of compassion for the stress, then move on with my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM has more competitive parents than any website on the planet.

So not true. The first female boss I had back in the early 90s in a different area told me about hiding in a grocery store to avoid parents as their kids were picking colleges. The stories she told me about the things parents said and did...

[Anonymous]

I know these parents! I just say "Wow, amazing! That's great, looks like I need another drink/have to go to the bathroom/whatever" and move along.

Like a PP said, I often think in my mind that my kid got a better score or whatever they are talking about but that is no one's business so am not going to say it out loud. The one that baffles me is the Suzuki violin parents...my DD is in a youth orchestra but doesn't learn via Suzuki, parents have asked me what book she is on. I have no clue but this must be a thing b/c then they'll say "Larla is on Book 6!" or whatever.

My mom always said "I don't tell people when you do things wrong so I'm also not going to tell everyone when you did something right." I think there is some wisdom there.

A small handful of friends are the exception, because we share the highs and lows.

[Anonymous]

Where do you like?

My kid is 11 and I can count on one hand the times I’ve heard stuff like this.I don’t surround myself by competitive parents. The handful of times it’s happened I move on. They’re not friends

[Anonymous]

Above: live, not like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Easy, have a kid with SN. No one wants to talk to you about your child. Even most competitive (not all by a long shot!) parents are so very uncomfortable that they try to find something, anything else to talk about.

I do have many more non-kid-centered conversations with the non-competitive parents as a result. One of the very small benefits, I guess.

It’s true! Even if you have other children.
-another SN mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Easy, have a kid with SN. No one wants to talk to you about your child. Even most competitive (not all by a long shot!) parents are so very uncomfortable that they try to find something, anything else to talk about.

I do have many more non-kid-centered conversations with the non-competitive parents as a result. One of the very small benefits, I guess.

It’s true! Even if you have other children.
-another SN mom

What is SN?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yea I haven’t come across this. Most of the people I know are happy to share info.

Maybe they don’t like you or your kid and are worried you might join a dance class and have to spend more time with you. That is the only reason I wouldn’t share the info.

You’ve been lucky. When I first moved here, I asked an acquaintance if she could recommend a salon. She replied “I love the girl who cuts my hair, but she’s really expensive.”

And no other information. I encounter the same with kid’s activities, restaurants, sign-ups for stuff, and even the school uniform sale. My policy to counteract this behavior is to share info completely and generously, especially when it comes to activities that fill quickly, hard to get appointments, or hard to find items.

I shy away from giving details on kid's activities or sign-ups when I'm not fully happy with the activity. Sometimes we sign-up a second time or more because my kids have a relationship with the instructor and like them. And even though I'm not fully happy, I still might not want to say anything negative, especially if my child is in earshot.

This doesn't explain everything, but perhaps at least some of the time, parents aren't being competitive, just awkward.

[Anonymous]

My experience as a parent living in Bethesda since my kids were little - they're now teens, and one is in college:

A lot of parents I came across had one activity or academic thing their kids were good at, and were able to provide useful feedback for me as to which were the best instructors, what businesses to avoid, how to get a child to advance rapidly, etc. I appreciated that, and tried to pay it forward to parents of younger kids.

Since I'm not insecure about my parenting or my kids... I don't process these conversations as attacks, or mean competition, or anything negative at all. One of my children has special needs and needed a LOT of therapies and tutoring, and my other child is gifted. I've experienced the gamut, so I don't feel jealousy or shame or guilt or anything negative when someone else's child does better, or their parents boasts about them. I hope that others give me the benefit of the doubt when I share some of my kids' accomplishments.

After 18 years of doing this, I can reiterate that none of these parents seek to hurt you. They want to share their children's accomplishments and useful tips that have worked for them. I am always glad when someone is happy enough to share their kid's achievement with me - regardless of whether my kid has done better or worse. If you go through your parenting years thinking everyone is out to judge you and your kids, then you're going to make yourself miserable. Take things at face value, always assume good intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My experience as a parent living in Bethesda since my kids were little - they're now teens, and one is in college:

A lot of parents I came across had one activity or academic thing their kids were good at, and were able to provide useful feedback for me as to which were the best instructors, what businesses to avoid, how to get a child to advance rapidly, etc. I appreciated that, and tried to pay it forward to parents of younger kids.

Since I'm not insecure about my parenting or my kids... I don't process these conversations as attacks, or mean competition, or anything negative at all. One of my children has special needs and needed a LOT of therapies and tutoring, and my other child is gifted. I've experienced the gamut, so I don't feel jealousy or shame or guilt or anything negative when someone else's child does better, or their parents boasts about them. I hope that others give me the benefit of the doubt when I share some of my kids' accomplishments.

After 18 years of doing this, I can reiterate that none of these parents seek to hurt you. They want to share their children's accomplishments and useful tips that have worked for them. I am always glad when someone is happy enough to share their kid's achievement with me - regardless of whether my kid has done better or worse. If you go through your parenting years thinking everyone is out to judge you and your kids, then you're going to make yourself miserable. Take things at face value, always assume good intentions.

I don’t think the issue is that competitive parents are trying to hurt you. I never think “oh no, dies this mean I’m not a good parent? Is my kid not succeeding?” I just think it’s boring and bad conversation.

A weird thing some competitive parents do is try to give you advice even when you say you’re happy with something. This is very irritating and just makes me want to get away. I don’t want your advice on which travel soccer teams have the best coaches, because as I have said three times now, my kid’s interest in soccer is social only and we’re totally happy with rec league.

Competitive people are tedious and when they are competitive about their kids it’s often even worse because so many parenting topics are deadly dull.

Just read a book, talk about a tv show you liked, tell me about your non-parenting hobby, recount a funny story from your last family vacation. I do not want ti spend a child’s bday party discussing reading levels omg. Lighten tf up.

[Anonymous]

I think you’ve hit on something, PP! My daughter’s school is full of socially awkward insecure parents who have no idea who to make small talk. Small talk with some of them is like listening to someone’s college application read out loud. Comment on the weather. Comment about something interesting you ate. Comment on a movie you just saw. Find an interesting bird flying by or a cute dog and talk about that. Anything else, please!

If we don’t know each other well and you can’t think of what to say, please don’t fill the silence with a monologue on grades, swim times, reading levels, or travel team stats. I can’t imagine what these people’s parents are like if they taught them that this is a normal way to make conversation.