Dealing with the sadness/anger

[Anonymous]

I am the one who started the “parents in crisis” thread and totally relate to feeling sad angry and guilty. How can we break the cycle with our own kids? I do not want to become estranged from my kid ever. I also do not want to live in complete denial and then burden her some day. At the same time, I am not rich and will not retire rich enough to be guaranteed a nice set up if I some day require memory care or other assisted living.

I have started thinking about long term care insurance but some of the comments here in this forum are making me wonder if it is actually worth the buy in or not.

[Anonymous]

I have hired a financial planner and the first question I asked was about long term care insurance. Conventional wisdom is it’s a “bad deal” because statistically people only live 2-3 years in assisted living/memory care.

Well, that may be true but rarely does someone go from fully competent to needing memory care in my experience. Mostly there are YEARS of family members stepping in until at some point the needs become so high that they can’t stay at home. Or years of dangerous unsafe conditions…

I’m looking at a One America policy with unlimited benefits. The daily rate isn’t super high but I took a hard look at my genetics and it’s not pretty. I can’t change what happens to me but I want to give my kids options. Not having options sucks.

[Anonymous]

We have planned well for retirement, but I am still looking into death with dignity other places. It is so sad that the belief in this country is it is better to die a long awful death where you become a shadow of yourself and take advantage of others for years and years than it is to take charge of your own passing and do it peacefully, being able to properly say goodbye and plan.

After so many years of this hell with my mother dehumanizing and me with her entitled and nasty behavior, whatever love I had for her is gone. There were one too many tantrums, demands, manipulations combined with the complete lack of empathy when I had my own health crises and had to stop being her lackey.

I had accepted years ago parenting was not her thing. I accepted that I grew up with someone with mental health challenges she refused to treat. I developed independence early. I accepted she had a superficial and gossipy side. I accepted so many things about my childhood and moved forward and was able to have relationship with her because I could see some of the good side now and then-just enough to keep me going. As she became more needy with age, those good things faded, and her dark side became much darker.

What little she did for her own parents, was done when she had an empty nest. It was amazing to me how she felt so comfortable robbing her grandchildren of my time to get her own needs met.

Then after I was the one doing so much to see she went back to the old dynamics of playing favorites and making me the bad one. OMG.

My boundaries set off her wrath, but perhaps if I set them sooner I would not be at the point of wishing her well, but wanting absolutely nothing to do with her. I now only have memories of abusive behavior because so many years that is what I got.

To the person who thinks it is no big deal driving someone to appointments, etc...assuming you live close and the person behaves and is gracious, it might not be a burden. If you are difficult and entitled try hiring people to do these things. See how much money you spend and how quickly they quit if you treat them as poorly as your offspring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have planned well for retirement, but I am still looking into death with dignity other places. It is so sad that the belief in this country is it is better to die a long awful death where you become a shadow of yourself and take advantage of others for years and years than it is to take charge of your own passing and do it peacefully, being able to properly say goodbye and plan.

I am totally with you on this one. After seeing what is going on with my parents, and my brother nearly have a nervous breakdown from the stress of the situation, I am 100% for death with dignity options. There is no way I am putting my child through this ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s like dealing with kids. They make their mistakes, just like you did when they were raising you. I’m sure they forgave you and let it go. I hope you do too.

People never feel their age until the wheels come off like it did in this case.

It’s not like dealing with kids if they never planned when they could

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s like dealing with kids. They make their mistakes, just like you did when they were raising you. I’m sure they forgave you and let it go. I hope you do too.

People never feel their age until the wheels come off like it did in this case.

I disagree. (not op). You decide to have kids you need to raise them. Kid's mistakes are nothing like the massive mistakes our parents make that make us rob our own children of our time and attention as we deal with the parent's challenging behavior. Also, I had a rage-a-haulic parent. She couldn't cope with our minor age-appropriate mistakes at all. If I took her approach it would be considered elder abuse.

OP, even if your parents were amazing growing up, you have a right to feel sad, angry, resentful, frustrated. Don't let anyone shame you out of her feelings or make you feel like this is anything like raising an innocent child. It's good you have boundaries. I just focus on managing my anger so I don't take it out on elder (even when elder lashes out), using elder's money to pay for qualified professionals and doing my best to keep my elder safe, while accepting I also have to respect her wishes to remain in an unsafe house that cannot be further elder-proofed.

Elderly parents robbing us of time with our kids is a very real thing. I have also seen that our parents often did not sacrifice themselves for their parents, but expect it from our generation. Don't know what to make of that.

Because people did not live as long. Most of our parents lost their parents when we were younger. And people didn't move into nursing homes until they really really had to. There are so many threads on people being angry at their parents for not wanting to go into assisted living. I urged my parents not to go into assisted living. It's awful. Please read Being Mortal to understand how most assisted living facilities are run wrong--mostly because of the litigious society we live in. Also, why do you feel you have to jump into your parents' mess? They made their choice, they just have to be fine with the consequences. There's nothing wrong with wanting to live the end of the life the way you want to, even if it means you fall and nobody finds you for 5 days. You die that way, it's still better than wasting away in a "skilled" nursing facility.

What happens when they don’t fall but they run out of money to pay taxes, etc. and the state takes their home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through this exact thing right now with my (now) one living parent. It’s so hard to balance all the emotions, including the bitterness over their bad choices. We, too, are learning from it and will not put our kids through that. So hang in there OP.

What bad choices?

We added it up recently and in the last 18 months my parents who refused to leave their home and home town have requested and required 14 visits by me and my siblings. Each visit means a plane ticket and rental car. You do the math. This is a very selfish choice. We have used up our leave and then some from our jobs. I have gone to the home town to make them a holiday dinner and left my family to fend for themselves etc.

Your parents asking for company and support from their kids is a bad choice?

NP. Go away you evil F**ker. You troll this forum to go after people who are struggling. Tell me, are your hands down your pants right now? Does it make you feel superior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol. It’s not actually “wanting to spend time with us”. It’s needing a home repair and they are unable to supervise. It’s someone breaking their hip, needing a ride to the doctors, a new washing machine, a computer virus, etc etc etc. They are grumpy and bad natured and itchy not a social visit. Wait and see.

Wow. This is the type of help you’re so upset about? You’re unwilling to give a ride to the doctor’s office or help get a washing machine for the people who presumably raised you, fed you, clothed you for many years?

I have reported you and will continue to report you. You have a sick mind and need to go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just not going to take the bait of this PP. Of course I have long been happy to visit my parents, do helpful chores for my parents, make their life pleasant in all the myriad ways that a loving and respectful child can make their parents’ life better. I want good things for my parents and will do quite a lot to make that happen.

HOWEVER there is a huge difference between that and dealing with the absolute my-life-taking-over shitshow created by otherwise intelligent adults with resources, who must have known known full well that they were declining, or would inevitably decline, and yet who refused to take any actions to deal with this realistically. (This is the OP, by the way.)

For example, a year ago I asked my parents to let us hire a geriatric care manager to help deal with their increasingly complicated situation, which was starting to fall apart, and my mother wouldn’t work with this experienced, Highly professional person. God I wish I had that care manager now. My Dad basically needs 24/7 care STAT and it’s falling on me to arrange it and take care of him in the meantime, which means being away from my children and my husband and my work and everything. I could just let him end up in a crappy nursing home and let them live out the consequences of their actions, but, you know, I actually love these people and feel compassion and want to help.

At least my mother isn’t resisting anymore in terms of getting care in the home because she obviously cannot take care of him. She is physically unable to do all the work of trying to change diapers, deal with medicine management, etc. She’s clearly exhausted and did so much for so long but at some point it just isn’t tenable. With my dad’s situation, we are way past the point where the problem is my worrying about an adult choosing the risk of having a fall. My Dad seems to be in a progressive neurological deterioration that’s been going on for the past five years but now has reached the point where I fear he is bedbound or close to it. The medical crises have been coming one after another, faster and faster, and this last one… How will he come back from? No plans have been made to deal with any of this.

My family is not the kind where multiple generations live together or right close by and all help out. We are the kind of family where everybody moves hundreds of miles away. This all could’ve been very different. My father-in-law moved into a continuing care community and is having a very nice life there, making friends and hanging out, and as he starts to decline he will have help right there and a plan for where he will be. We visit him and hang out with him and it is nothing but pleasant. I am so grateful for his adult decision making and his clear eyed acceptance of reality. That’s how I want to be.

I'm in almost the exact situation and just wanted to say I think you are right in your assessment of the situation. You are a good daughter, but you have to set boundaries and take care of your own little family. No one should be making you feel bad about your role in this situation.

NP and agreed. I am now injured myself and can’t go this time. It was bound to happen. OP, you have every right to your anger and bitterness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol. It’s not actually “wanting to spend time with us”. It’s needing a home repair and they are unable to supervise. It’s someone breaking their hip, needing a ride to the doctors, a new washing machine, a computer virus, etc etc etc. They are grumpy and bad natured and itchy not a social visit. Wait and see.

Wow. This is the type of help you’re so upset about? You’re unwilling to give a ride to the doctor’s office or help get a washing machine for the people who presumably raised you, fed you, clothed you for many years?

I am unwilling to leave my job during the busiest season of the year yet again, jeopardizing my employment, or missing my child’s performance in the school play, leaving during their exam season etc to spend a thousand dollars on plane tickets and rental car to wait for a washer repairman who won’t show up and will reschedule for the following week so I can buy another plane ticket and repeat the cycle. This does not make me a bad person or selfish. Yo sound real entitled.

You are correct OP. As someone who did the hard work for another relative, I am forever destroyed in so many ways. It’s been two years and I am now getting bits of my life back. You think you are doing the right thing, and when state/private agencies get a whiff of that compassion, they abuse it. They don’t care what happens to the caretakers and will drive them into the ground. The sad thing is that as the caretaker, you are naturally concerned about your relative so start jumping through the hoops. It took two male paramedics (of four who came in the middle of the night in an emergency) to pull me aside and set me straight. God bless those men!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have planned well for retirement, but I am still looking into death with dignity other places. It is so sad that the belief in this country is it is better to die a long awful death where you become a shadow of yourself and take advantage of others for years and years than it is to take charge of your own passing and do it peacefully, being able to properly say goodbye and plan.

I am totally with you on this one. After seeing what is going on with my parents, and my brother nearly have a nervous breakdown from the stress of the situation, I am 100% for death with dignity options. There is no way I am putting my child through this ever.

As someone who looks back and thinks I DID have a nervous breakdown but didn’t recognize it, I hope your brother is in a better place now. I let all three of my kids know that they are to NOT go through this with either of us. EVER

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s like dealing with kids. They make their mistakes, just like you did when they were raising you. I’m sure they forgave you and let it go. I hope you do too.

People never feel their age until the wheels come off like it did in this case.

I disagree. (not op). You decide to have kids you need to raise them. Kid's mistakes are nothing like the massive mistakes our parents make that make us rob our own children of our time and attention as we deal with the parent's challenging behavior. Also, I had a rage-a-haulic parent. She couldn't cope with our minor age-appropriate mistakes at all. If I took her approach it would be considered elder abuse.

OP, even if your parents were amazing growing up, you have a right to feel sad, angry, resentful, frustrated. Don't let anyone shame you out of her feelings or make you feel like this is anything like raising an innocent child. It's good you have boundaries. I just focus on managing my anger so I don't take it out on elder (even when elder lashes out), using elder's money to pay for qualified professionals and doing my best to keep my elder safe, while accepting I also have to respect her wishes to remain in an unsafe house that cannot be further elder-proofed.

Elderly parents robbing us of time with our kids is a very real thing. I have also seen that our parents often did not sacrifice themselves for their parents, but expect it from our generation. Don't know what to make of that.

Because people did not live as long. Most of our parents lost their parents when we were younger. And people didn't move into nursing homes until they really really had to. There are so many threads on people being angry at their parents for not wanting to go into assisted living. I urged my parents not to go into assisted living. It's awful. Please read Being Mortal to understand how most assisted living facilities are run wrong--mostly because of the litigious society we live in. Also, why do you feel you have to jump into your parents' mess? They made their choice, they just have to be fine with the consequences. There's nothing wrong with wanting to live the end of the life the way you want to, even if it means you fall and nobody finds you for 5 days. You die that way, it's still better than wasting away in a "skilled" nursing facility.

I don’t fully agree with you. Even if people did die younger, their children also died younger. So some of the same sorts of problems. I grew up in my grandparents neighborhood and saw a lot. Sugar (aka diabetes 2) was a problem for back in the 60s/70s, even dementia though nothing that would be labeled Alzheimer’s yet or maybe not commonly heard.

Also, the age gap tended to be smaller especially between oldest children and the parents. The older children especially daughters were quasi parents to younger siblings, younger siblings then often had care for the parents.

What may be more common today is the prolonging/extension of the death process. It’s like we prefer to have zombie-like elderly to letting them die a more dignified death.

I will say again that Dr Emmanuel (Rahm’s brother) has got it right. No major intervention for him after 75. That doesn’t mean he won’t have his vaccinations/flu shots etc but after 75 no cancer treatment for example. I just had a close relative due and I miss her. Would love to have had her a few more years but I’m glad in the end she didn’t have to suffer more than a couple weeks (cancer meds wreaked havoc on her when her cancer came back). I’m watchng another one in late 80s dealing with all sorts of health issues. It’s awful. Thank goodness he doesn’t want do anything at all costs because that the do anything will likely do more harm than good or will not return him to the same quality of life pre-procedure. And this is a person who was an early adopter of regular fitness routines at a gym (eg, in the 1960s).