Dealing with the sadness/anger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through this exact thing right now with my (now) one living parent. It’s so hard to balance all the emotions, including the bitterness over their bad choices. We, too, are learning from it and will not put our kids through that. So hang in there OP.

What bad choices?

We added it up recently and in the last 18 months my parents who refused to leave their home and home town have requested and required 14 visits by me and my siblings. Each visit means a plane ticket and rental car. You do the math. This is a very selfish choice. We have used up our leave and then some from our jobs. I have gone to the home town to make them a holiday dinner and left my family to fend for themselves etc.

Your parents asking for company and support from their kids is a bad choice?

[Anonymous]

My MIL moved into a continuing care community and has resources (ie, did everything “right”) and it has still been hell. The place can’t care adequately for her and it’s just very difficult.

[Anonymous]

My mom has been sacrificing herself for the previous generation for about a decade now. Has basically destroyed her and she’s missed all this time with her grandkids. The whole thing makes no sense to me and I don’t know what I will do when the time comes for me. At least she’s been through it and we can have some honest conversations (or not! I barely know her anymore).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through this exact thing right now with my (now) one living parent. It’s so hard to balance all the emotions, including the bitterness over their bad choices. We, too, are learning from it and will not put our kids through that. So hang in there OP.

What bad choices?

We added it up recently and in the last 18 months my parents who refused to leave their home and home town have requested and required 14 visits by me and my siblings. Each visit means a plane ticket and rental car. You do the math. This is a very selfish choice. We have used up our leave and then some from our jobs. I have gone to the home town to make them a holiday dinner and left my family to fend for themselves etc.

Tell your parents no. Let them deal. Yes, I’ve been there too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through this exact thing right now with my (now) one living parent. It’s so hard to balance all the emotions, including the bitterness over their bad choices. We, too, are learning from it and will not put our kids through that. So hang in there OP.

What bad choices?

We added it up recently and in the last 18 months my parents who refused to leave their home and home town have requested and required 14 visits by me and my siblings. Each visit means a plane ticket and rental car. You do the math. This is a very selfish choice. We have used up our leave and then some from our jobs. I have gone to the home town to make them a holiday dinner and left my family to fend for themselves etc.

Your parents asking for company and support from their kids is a bad choice?

NP. Bless your heart, silly, silly PP. a visit once in a while is okay. A crisis once a month that requires a plane ticket and time away from nuclear family is absolutely not okay. Common sense for functional adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through this exact thing right now with my (now) one living parent. It’s so hard to balance all the emotions, including the bitterness over their bad choices. We, too, are learning from it and will not put our kids through that. So hang in there OP.

What bad choices?

We added it up recently and in the last 18 months my parents who refused to leave their home and home town have requested and required 14 visits by me and my siblings. Each visit means a plane ticket and rental car. You do the math. This is a very selfish choice. We have used up our leave and then some from our jobs. I have gone to the home town to make them a holiday dinner and left my family to fend for themselves etc.

Your parents asking for company and support from their kids is a bad choice?

Yes, I don’t get how them wanting to spend time with you is a bad thing

[Anonymous]

Lol. It’s not actually “wanting to spend time with us”. It’s needing a home repair and they are unable to supervise. It’s someone breaking their hip, needing a ride to the doctors, a new washing machine, a computer virus, etc etc etc. They are grumpy and bad natured and itchy not a social visit. Wait and see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol. It’s not actually “wanting to spend time with us”. It’s needing a home repair and they are unable to supervise. It’s someone breaking their hip, needing a ride to the doctors, a new washing machine, a computer virus, etc etc etc. They are grumpy and bad natured and itchy not a social visit. Wait and see.

Wow. This is the type of help you’re so upset about? You’re unwilling to give a ride to the doctor’s office or help get a washing machine for the people who presumably raised you, fed you, clothed you for many years?

[Anonymous]

I’m just not going to take the bait of this PP. Of course I have long been happy to visit my parents, do helpful chores for my parents, make their life pleasant in all the myriad ways that a loving and respectful child can make their parents’ life better. I want good things for my parents and will do quite a lot to make that happen.

HOWEVER there is a huge difference between that and dealing with the absolute my-life-taking-over shitshow created by otherwise intelligent adults with resources, who must have known known full well that they were declining, or would inevitably decline, and yet who refused to take any actions to deal with this realistically. (This is the OP, by the way.)

For example, a year ago I asked my parents to let us hire a geriatric care manager to help deal with their increasingly complicated situation, which was starting to fall apart, and my mother wouldn’t work with this experienced, Highly professional person. God I wish I had that care manager now. My Dad basically needs 24/7 care STAT and it’s falling on me to arrange it and take care of him in the meantime, which means being away from my children and my husband and my work and everything. I could just let him end up in a crappy nursing home and let them live out the consequences of their actions, but, you know, I actually love these people and feel compassion and want to help.

At least my mother isn’t resisting anymore in terms of getting care in the home because she obviously cannot take care of him. She is physically unable to do all the work of trying to change diapers, deal with medicine management, etc. She’s clearly exhausted and did so much for so long but at some point it just isn’t tenable. With my dad’s situation, we are way past the point where the problem is my worrying about an adult choosing the risk of having a fall. My Dad seems to be in a progressive neurological deterioration that’s been going on for the past five years but now has reached the point where I fear he is bedbound or close to it. The medical crises have been coming one after another, faster and faster, and this last one… How will he come back from? No plans have been made to deal with any of this.

My family is not the kind where multiple generations live together or right close by and all help out. We are the kind of family where everybody moves hundreds of miles away. This all could’ve been very different. My father-in-law moved into a continuing care community and is having a very nice life there, making friends and hanging out, and as he starts to decline he will have help right there and a plan for where he will be. We visit him and hang out with him and it is nothing but pleasant. I am so grateful for his adult decision making and his clear eyed acceptance of reality. That’s how I want to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m just not going to take the bait of this PP. Of course I have long been happy to visit my parents, do helpful chores for my parents, make their life pleasant in all the myriad ways that a loving and respectful child can make their parents’ life better. I want good things for my parents and will do quite a lot to make that happen.

HOWEVER there is a huge difference between that and dealing with the absolute my-life-taking-over shitshow created by otherwise intelligent adults with resources, who must have known known full well that they were declining, or would inevitably decline, and yet who refused to take any actions to deal with this realistically. (This is the OP, by the way.)

For example, a year ago I asked my parents to let us hire a geriatric care manager to help deal with their increasingly complicated situation, which was starting to fall apart, and my mother wouldn’t work with this experienced, Highly professional person. God I wish I had that care manager now. My Dad basically needs 24/7 care STAT and it’s falling on me to arrange it and take care of him in the meantime, which means being away from my children and my husband and my work and everything. I could just let him end up in a crappy nursing home and let them live out the consequences of their actions, but, you know, I actually love these people and feel compassion and want to help.

At least my mother isn’t resisting anymore in terms of getting care in the home because she obviously cannot take care of him. She is physically unable to do all the work of trying to change diapers, deal with medicine management, etc. She’s clearly exhausted and did so much for so long but at some point it just isn’t tenable. With my dad’s situation, we are way past the point where the problem is my worrying about an adult choosing the risk of having a fall. My Dad seems to be in a progressive neurological deterioration that’s been going on for the past five years but now has reached the point where I fear he is bedbound or close to it. The medical crises have been coming one after another, faster and faster, and this last one… How will he come back from? No plans have been made to deal with any of this.

My family is not the kind where multiple generations live together or right close by and all help out. We are the kind of family where everybody moves hundreds of miles away. This all could’ve been very different. My father-in-law moved into a continuing care community and is having a very nice life there, making friends and hanging out, and as he starts to decline he will have help right there and a plan for where he will be. We visit him and hang out with him and it is nothing but pleasant. I am so grateful for his adult decision making and his clear eyed acceptance of reality. That’s how I want to be.

I'm in almost the exact situation and just wanted to say I think you are right in your assessment of the situation. You are a good daughter, but you have to set boundaries and take care of your own little family. No one should be making you feel bad about your role in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just not going to take the bait of this PP. Of course I have long been happy to visit my parents, do helpful chores for my parents, make their life pleasant in all the myriad ways that a loving and respectful child can make their parents’ life better. I want good things for my parents and will do quite a lot to make that happen.

HOWEVER there is a huge difference between that and dealing with the absolute my-life-taking-over shitshow created by otherwise intelligent adults with resources, who must have known known full well that they were declining, or would inevitably decline, and yet who refused to take any actions to deal with this realistically. (This is the OP, by the way.)

For example, a year ago I asked my parents to let us hire a geriatric care manager to help deal with their increasingly complicated situation, which was starting to fall apart, and my mother wouldn’t work with this experienced, Highly professional person. God I wish I had that care manager now. My Dad basically needs 24/7 care STAT and it’s falling on me to arrange it and take care of him in the meantime, which means being away from my children and my husband and my work and everything. I could just let him end up in a crappy nursing home and let them live out the consequences of their actions, but, you know, I actually love these people and feel compassion and want to help.

At least my mother isn’t resisting anymore in terms of getting care in the home because she obviously cannot take care of him. She is physically unable to do all the work of trying to change diapers, deal with medicine management, etc. She’s clearly exhausted and did so much for so long but at some point it just isn’t tenable. With my dad’s situation, we are way past the point where the problem is my worrying about an adult choosing the risk of having a fall. My Dad seems to be in a progressive neurological deterioration that’s been going on for the past five years but now has reached the point where I fear he is bedbound or close to it. The medical crises have been coming one after another, faster and faster, and this last one… How will he come back from? No plans have been made to deal with any of this.

My family is not the kind where multiple generations live together or right close by and all help out. We are the kind of family where everybody moves hundreds of miles away. This all could’ve been very different. My father-in-law moved into a continuing care community and is having a very nice life there, making friends and hanging out, and as he starts to decline he will have help right there and a plan for where he will be. We visit him and hang out with him and it is nothing but pleasant. I am so grateful for his adult decision making and his clear eyed acceptance of reality. That’s how I want to be.

I'm in almost the exact situation and just wanted to say I think you are right in your assessment of the situation. You are a good daughter, but you have to set boundaries and take care of your own little family. No one should be making you feel bad about your role in this situation.

NP. Yes, I want to echo this. OP, I am appreciative of your own clear-sightedness in this, and how you balance empathy with kindness. I know this thread is likely to go on for several pages with people "I can't understand"ing and "I would never"ing, and you know what? May they never have to understand. May they never be in this position. It's awful, it really is, and you are right it naming it that way.

I haven't myself seen any aging process done well. (We don't do it well in my family, for sure!) However, my sweetheart's parents have actually, for real, managed to clean out and go through an estate sale of the farmhouse they lived in for 40+ years, out in the country. They loved that place. They said goodbye to it and have already sold it, and they are moving into the nearby town when the last bits are over (that is all purchased too).

I have such respect for this elderly couple. They have been kind and thoughtful their whole lives, and this was so hard, but they managed to do it. They are on a waiting list for a community with step-up care, and they will already be downsized. She said if they had waited a few more years, they wouldn't have been able to do it, but it was important to them not to do o their boys what was done to them as parents aged.

Oh, my god. Bless them. On their own terms, and kind and thoughtful to the core. So very brave. What a gift. What an incredible role model, too.

[Anonymous]

That is an inspiring role model indeed. I think it shows enormous wisdom and emotional strength, and a willingness to keep moving forward in life rather than getting stuck, even if moving forward means moving towards death. I think so many people think that if they keep things the same at home that they can ward off death forever. It’s a kind of magical thinking and denial. I have compassion for it but it’s not what I want for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is an inspiring role model indeed. I think it shows enormous wisdom and emotional strength, and a willingness to keep moving forward in life rather than getting stuck, even if moving forward means moving towards death. I think so many people think that if they keep things the same at home that they can ward off death forever. It’s a kind of magical thinking and denial. I have compassion for it but it’s not what I want for myself.

Yes. They continue to be remarkable people in so many ways. I am inspired by them to try to live the later stages of my life with the same values and integrity as I did the former ones.

[Anonymous]

How are you dealing with the sadness about your declining parents? Are you receiving support? Any words of wisdom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you dealing with the sadness about your declining parents? Are you receiving support? Any words of wisdom?

Not sure -- is this directed toward OP or a PP? Or an open question for the room?