Dealing with the sadness/anger

[Anonymous]

My parents never did any planning for the inevitable fact of their not being able to live at home alone together in perpetuity and now I am dealing with trying to make things work for them now that the crisis has arrived.

I have my boundaries and I remain very Zen most of the time. But sometimes I am just filled with sadness and anger that they chose to live with denial rather than making a realistic plan for the future. Because now, in addition to all the shit they have to deal with like hit physical infirmities, which is hard enough, they have to deal with that denial breaking apart.

It’s very sad to see. I am only 50 and I am ready to move into assisted-living right now, So this will not happen to me and I will not put my children in this situation.

[Anonymous]

It’s like dealing with kids. They make their mistakes, just like you did when they were raising you. I’m sure they forgave you and let it go. I hope you do too.

People never feel their age until the wheels come off like it did in this case.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. Especially paying for idiotic decisions other people made 60 years ago. But what am I supposed to do? Have my mother live on the street?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s like dealing with kids. They make their mistakes, just like you did when they were raising you. I’m sure they forgave you and let it go. I hope you do too.

People never feel their age until the wheels come off like it did in this case.

I disagree. (not op). You decide to have kids you need to raise them. Kid's mistakes are nothing like the massive mistakes our parents make that make us rob our own children of our time and attention as we deal with the parent's challenging behavior. Also, I had a rage-a-haulic parent. She couldn't cope with our minor age-appropriate mistakes at all. If I took her approach it would be considered elder abuse.

OP, even if your parents were amazing growing up, you have a right to feel sad, angry, resentful, frustrated. Don't let anyone shame you out of her feelings or make you feel like this is anything like raising an innocent child. It's good you have boundaries. I just focus on managing my anger so I don't take it out on elder (even when elder lashes out), using elder's money to pay for qualified professionals and doing my best to keep my elder safe, while accepting I also have to respect her wishes to remain in an unsafe house that cannot be further elder-proofed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s like dealing with kids. They make their mistakes, just like you did when they were raising you. I’m sure they forgave you and let it go. I hope you do too.

People never feel their age until the wheels come off like it did in this case.

I disagree. (not op). You decide to have kids you need to raise them. Kid's mistakes are nothing like the massive mistakes our parents make that make us rob our own children of our time and attention as we deal with the parent's challenging behavior. Also, I had a rage-a-haulic parent. She couldn't cope with our minor age-appropriate mistakes at all. If I took her approach it would be considered elder abuse.

OP, even if your parents were amazing growing up, you have a right to feel sad, angry, resentful, frustrated. Don't let anyone shame you out of her feelings or make you feel like this is anything like raising an innocent child. It's good you have boundaries. I just focus on managing my anger so I don't take it out on elder (even when elder lashes out), using elder's money to pay for qualified professionals and doing my best to keep my elder safe, while accepting I also have to respect her wishes to remain in an unsafe house that cannot be further elder-proofed.

Elderly parents robbing us of time with our kids is a very real thing. I have also seen that our parents often did not sacrifice themselves for their parents, but expect it from our generation. Don't know what to make of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s like dealing with kids. They make their mistakes, just like you did when they were raising you. I’m sure they forgave you and let it go. I hope you do too.

People never feel their age until the wheels come off like it did in this case.

I disagree. (not op). You decide to have kids you need to raise them. Kid's mistakes are nothing like the massive mistakes our parents make that make us rob our own children of our time and attention as we deal with the parent's challenging behavior. Also, I had a rage-a-haulic parent. She couldn't cope with our minor age-appropriate mistakes at all. If I took her approach it would be considered elder abuse.

OP, even if your parents were amazing growing up, you have a right to feel sad, angry, resentful, frustrated. Don't let anyone shame you out of her feelings or make you feel like this is anything like raising an innocent child. It's good you have boundaries. I just focus on managing my anger so I don't take it out on elder (even when elder lashes out), using elder's money to pay for qualified professionals and doing my best to keep my elder safe, while accepting I also have to respect her wishes to remain in an unsafe house that cannot be further elder-proofed.

Elderly parents robbing us of time with our kids is a very real thing. I have also seen that our parents often did not sacrifice themselves for their parents, but expect it from our generation. Don't know what to make of that.

Because people did not live as long. Most of our parents lost their parents when we were younger. And people didn't move into nursing homes until they really really had to. There are so many threads on people being angry at their parents for not wanting to go into assisted living. I urged my parents not to go into assisted living. It's awful. Please read Being Mortal to understand how most assisted living facilities are run wrong--mostly because of the litigious society we live in. Also, why do you feel you have to jump into your parents' mess? They made their choice, they just have to be fine with the consequences. There's nothing wrong with wanting to live the end of the life the way you want to, even if it means you fall and nobody finds you for 5 days. You die that way, it's still better than wasting away in a "skilled" nursing facility.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are experiencing grief over your parents' mortality. It's normal. Be gentle with yourself. Support groups exist for both caregivers, and when the time comes, for the bereaved.

[Anonymous]

I am going through this exact thing right now with my (now) one living parent. It’s so hard to balance all the emotions, including the bitterness over their bad choices. We, too, are learning from it and will not put our kids through that. So hang in there OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going through this exact thing right now with my (now) one living parent. It’s so hard to balance all the emotions, including the bitterness over their bad choices. We, too, are learning from it and will not put our kids through that. So hang in there OP.

What bad choices?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s like dealing with kids. They make their mistakes, just like you did when they were raising you. I’m sure they forgave you and let it go. I hope you do too.

People never feel their age until the wheels come off like it did in this case.

I disagree. (not op). You decide to have kids you need to raise them. Kid's mistakes are nothing like the massive mistakes our parents make that make us rob our own children of our time and attention as we deal with the parent's challenging behavior. Also, I had a rage-a-haulic parent. She couldn't cope with our minor age-appropriate mistakes at all. If I took her approach it would be considered elder abuse.

OP, even if your parents were amazing growing up, you have a right to feel sad, angry, resentful, frustrated. Don't let anyone shame you out of her feelings or make you feel like this is anything like raising an innocent child. It's good you have boundaries. I just focus on managing my anger so I don't take it out on elder (even when elder lashes out), using elder's money to pay for qualified professionals and doing my best to keep my elder safe, while accepting I also have to respect her wishes to remain in an unsafe house that cannot be further elder-proofed.

Elderly parents robbing us of time with our kids is a very real thing. I have also seen that our parents often did not sacrifice themselves for their parents, but expect it from our generation. Don't know what to make of that.

I hear you PP. My parents are wonderful people...but I'm not sure they realize how much stress their living situation puts on my brother and me (and my young adult dcs who help). Dad should be in AL and Mom should have nursing help with him since they refuse to move. ALL of their parents were deceased by the time my folks were younger than I am now-and younger than my parents are now. They NEVER faced the issues we are. I don't think they understand the constant stress and worry and all-they think they're 'competent' and can handle everything, meanwhile I scooped Dad off the floor yesterday when I arrived for my daily check in after work and 2 hr commute (he was unhurt other than a few scratches thankfully).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s like dealing with kids. They make their mistakes, just like you did when they were raising you. I’m sure they forgave you and let it go. I hope you do too.

People never feel their age until the wheels come off like it did in this case.

I disagree. (not op). You decide to have kids you need to raise them. Kid's mistakes are nothing like the massive mistakes our parents make that make us rob our own children of our time and attention as we deal with the parent's challenging behavior. Also, I had a rage-a-haulic parent. She couldn't cope with our minor age-appropriate mistakes at all. If I took her approach it would be considered elder abuse.

OP, even if your parents were amazing growing up, you have a right to feel sad, angry, resentful, frustrated. Don't let anyone shame you out of her feelings or make you feel like this is anything like raising an innocent child. It's good you have boundaries. I just focus on managing my anger so I don't take it out on elder (even when elder lashes out), using elder's money to pay for qualified professionals and doing my best to keep my elder safe, while accepting I also have to respect her wishes to remain in an unsafe house that cannot be further elder-proofed.

Elderly parents robbing us of time with our kids is a very real thing. I have also seen that our parents often did not sacrifice themselves for their parents, but expect it from our generation. Don't know what to make of that.

Because people did not live as long. Most of our parents lost their parents when we were younger. And people didn't move into nursing homes until they really really had to. There are so many threads on people being angry at their parents for not wanting to go into assisted living. I urged my parents not to go into assisted living. It's awful. Please read Being Mortal to understand how most assisted living facilities are run wrong--mostly because of the litigious society we live in. Also, why do you feel you have to jump into your parents' mess? They made their choice, they just have to be fine with the consequences. There's nothing wrong with wanting to live the end of the life the way you want to, even if it means you fall and nobody finds you for 5 days. You die that way, it's still better than wasting away in a "skilled" nursing facility.

That’s not true in every family. The generation before my parents generally lived longer than my parents generation. It’s a peculiarity where I am from, but my aunt, uncle, dad all died many years younger than their parents. And none of them cared for their elderly parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s like dealing with kids. They make their mistakes, just like you did when they were raising you. I’m sure they forgave you and let it go. I hope you do too.

People never feel their age until the wheels come off like it did in this case.

I disagree. (not op). You decide to have kids you need to raise them. Kid's mistakes are nothing like the massive mistakes our parents make that make us rob our own children of our time and attention as we deal with the parent's challenging behavior. Also, I had a rage-a-haulic parent. She couldn't cope with our minor age-appropriate mistakes at all. If I took her approach it would be considered elder abuse.

OP, even if your parents were amazing growing up, you have a right to feel sad, angry, resentful, frustrated. Don't let anyone shame you out of her feelings or make you feel like this is anything like raising an innocent child. It's good you have boundaries. I just focus on managing my anger so I don't take it out on elder (even when elder lashes out), using elder's money to pay for qualified professionals and doing my best to keep my elder safe, while accepting I also have to respect her wishes to remain in an unsafe house that cannot be further elder-proofed.

Elderly parents robbing us of time with our kids is a very real thing. I have also seen that our parents often did not sacrifice themselves for their parents, but expect it from our generation. Don't know what to make of that.

Because people did not live as long. Most of our parents lost their parents when we were younger. And people didn't move into nursing homes until they really really had to. There are so many threads on people being angry at their parents for not wanting to go into assisted living. I urged my parents not to go into assisted living. It's awful. Please read Being Mortal to understand how most assisted living facilities are run wrong--mostly because of the litigious society we live in. Also, why do you feel you have to jump into your parents' mess? They made their choice, they just have to be fine with the consequences. There's nothing wrong with wanting to live the end of the life the way you want to, even if it means you fall and nobody finds you for 5 days. You die that way, it's still better than wasting away in a "skilled" nursing facility.

That’s not true in every family. The generation before my parents generally lived longer than my parents generation. It’s a peculiarity where I am from, but my aunt, uncle, dad all died many years younger than their parents. And none of them cared for their elderly parents.

^^ forgot to mention that my mom needs a lot of care but we saw my grandfather (her dad) for 2 afternoons per year and they lived fairly close by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through this exact thing right now with my (now) one living parent. It’s so hard to balance all the emotions, including the bitterness over their bad choices. We, too, are learning from it and will not put our kids through that. So hang in there OP.

What bad choices?

We added it up recently and in the last 18 months my parents who refused to leave their home and home town have requested and required 14 visits by me and my siblings. Each visit means a plane ticket and rental car. You do the math. This is a very selfish choice. We have used up our leave and then some from our jobs. I have gone to the home town to make them a holiday dinner and left my family to fend for themselves etc.

[Anonymous]

Speak these words to them.

Don't be afraid just because they are your parents. Ideally, you and siblings present a united front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s like dealing with kids. They make their mistakes, just like you did when they were raising you. I’m sure they forgave you and let it go. I hope you do too.

People never feel their age until the wheels come off like it did in this case.

I disagree. (not op). You decide to have kids you need to raise them. Kid's mistakes are nothing like the massive mistakes our parents make that make us rob our own children of our time and attention as we deal with the parent's challenging behavior. Also, I had a rage-a-haulic parent. She couldn't cope with our minor age-appropriate mistakes at all. If I took her approach it would be considered elder abuse.

OP, even if your parents were amazing growing up, you have a right to feel sad, angry, resentful, frustrated. Don't let anyone shame you out of her feelings or make you feel like this is anything like raising an innocent child. It's good you have boundaries. I just focus on managing my anger so I don't take it out on elder (even when elder lashes out), using elder's money to pay for qualified professionals and doing my best to keep my elder safe, while accepting I also have to respect her wishes to remain in an unsafe house that cannot be further elder-proofed.

Elderly parents robbing us of time with our kids is a very real thing. I have also seen that our parents often did not sacrifice themselves for their parents, but expect it from our generation. Don't know what to make of that.

This is my current state - my mother never did anything for her mother or her sister. But when it came her turn, she expected me to drop everything for her needs. I have missed so many of my kids activities, events, I'm missing my own doctors appointments etc. I can't leave her on the street and finding reliable care that she can avoid is difficult. I vow I will not do this to my kids.