Dealing with the sadness/anger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol. It’s not actually “wanting to spend time with us”. It’s needing a home repair and they are unable to supervise. It’s someone breaking their hip, needing a ride to the doctors, a new washing machine, a computer virus, etc etc etc. They are grumpy and bad natured and itchy not a social visit. Wait and see.

Wow. This is the type of help you’re so upset about? You’re unwilling to give a ride to the doctor’s office or help get a washing machine for the people who presumably raised you, fed you, clothed you for many years?

I am unwilling to leave my job during the busiest season of the year yet again, jeopardizing my employment, or missing my child’s performance in the school play, leaving during their exam season etc to spend a thousand dollars on plane tickets and rental car to wait for a washer repairman who won’t show up and will reschedule for the following week so I can buy another plane ticket and repeat the cycle. This does not make me a bad person or selfish. Yo sound real entitled.

[Anonymous]

None of this is easy, DCUM. Lots of complicated history and emotions, in addition to the basic logistics and the often-real functional limitations.

My dad made things harder; my mom made them easier. In both cases there was choking, complicated anxiety and grief. Being a human is often hard, even for those with resources and privilege. To the extent that we can, let’s give ourselves and our loved ones some grace. And let’s make this a place where anyone can come to vent or get support without judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you dealing with the sadness about your declining parents? Are you receiving support? Any words of wisdom?

You get to a point that you wish they’d just die. There I said it. Not op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL moved into a continuing care community and has resources (ie, did everything “right”) and it has still been hell. The place can’t care adequately for her and it’s just very difficult.

Yes, this is happening to my parents now. My dad has fallen and he broke his hip. And where they live is expensive. I go multiple times a week to help them out. Living to be in your late 80's and in ill health is no way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you dealing with the sadness about your declining parents? Are you receiving support? Any words of wisdom?

Not sure -- is this directed toward OP or a PP? Or an open question for the room?

OP and anyone else who is dealing with this? I am in a similar situation, and I am just so sad about it. I thought I’d get to enjoy many more years with my mom. A few years ago she was running 5Ks, now she can barely walk 3000 steps per day. It’s neurological. It’s all happening faster and sooner than expected and I don’t have the skills to cope with it.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. I deal with my sadness by crying in the shower, occasionally walking outside and lying in the grass and crying, crying in bed at night, and allowing myself moments where I let the grief and sadness just completely take me over.

Then I wash my face and order the new hospital bed, or do whatever shit needs to be done.

I try not to let myself get so overwhelmed by the work of care management I forget to actually spend time with my parents just talking to them and hanging out with them. My time with them is limited and It can’t all just be about logistics. We’ve had some nice conversations that we would not otherwise have had if I was not up here captaining the ship through the storm.

I actually have had a pretty conflicted relationship with my parents for my whole life and went to therapy in part to deal with it. As sad as this whole situation is, it is bringing me closer to my parents and I see that as a positive. I do not understand their powers of denial and I would not have chosen to live my life the way they did. But most of the time I can put my anger aside and see them as complex people with many strengths and good qualities who just couldn’t deal with thinking about their own mortality and the loss of their independence—thus, the current shitshow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. I deal with my sadness by crying in the shower, occasionally walking outside and lying in the grass and crying, crying in bed at night, and allowing myself moments where I let the grief and sadness just completely take me over.

Then I wash my face and order the new hospital bed, or do whatever shit needs to be done.

I try not to let myself get so overwhelmed by the work of care management I forget to actually spend time with my parents just talking to them and hanging out with them. My time with them is limited and It can’t all just be about logistics. We’ve had some nice conversations that we would not otherwise have had if I was not up here captaining the ship through the storm.

I actually have had a pretty conflicted relationship with my parents for my whole life and went to therapy in part to deal with it. As sad as this whole situation is, it is bringing me closer to my parents and I see that as a positive. I do not understand their powers of denial and I would not have chosen to live my life the way they did. But most of the time I can put my anger aside and see them as complex people with many strengths and good qualities who just couldn’t deal with thinking about their own mortality and the loss of their independence—thus, the current shitshow.

PP. I do the same. I wish I had a better way to deal with this. RIght now I am blaming myself that I told my mom "no" a few times this summer when she wanted to take me and DCs for ice cream or lunch. We were just tired, or had eaten out too much, but I feel like it was important to my mom and now, a month later, she can't do it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. I deal with my sadness by crying in the shower, occasionally walking outside and lying in the grass and crying, crying in bed at night, and allowing myself moments where I let the grief and sadness just completely take me over.

Then I wash my face and order the new hospital bed, or do whatever shit needs to be done.

Thanks, so I’m not alone. It’s so hard to have to hold it together for everyone and feel just depleted

[Anonymous]

"I try not to let myself get so overwhelmed by the work of care management I forget to actually spend time with my parents just talking to them and hanging out with them. My time with them is limited and It can’t all just be about logistics."

This really resonated with me, OP. After years of caring for an elderly parent, it occurred to me that I was spending so much time on managing their care that it was affecting my personal relationship with them. It's hard to be both a care manager and a daughter. And, unlike children, our elderly relatives don't get more independent as they age and more fun to hang out with.

There's no easy answer to this dilemma. But the realization did spur me to try to spend more quality time with my parent and to outsource some of the tasks that took up my time. Moving my parent to a community that offered independent and assisted living was a good start. I was still very involved in their care, but I could visit (which I did daily) and just spend time socializing, sharing meals, etc. without having to be "on duty" 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents never did any planning for the inevitable fact of their not being able to live at home alone together in perpetuity and now I am dealing with trying to make things work for them now that the crisis has arrived.

I have my boundaries and I remain very Zen most of the time. But sometimes I am just filled with sadness and anger that they chose to live with denial rather than making a realistic plan for the future. Because now, in addition to all the shit they have to deal with like hit physical infirmities, which is hard enough, they have to deal with that denial breaking apart.

It’s very sad to see. I am only 50 and I am ready to move into assisted-living right now, So this will not happen to me and I will not put my children in this situation.

I have another thread here detailing much the same. Much love to you. There will be all sorts of idiots here who think they get it. They don’t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s like dealing with kids. They make their mistakes, just like you did when they were raising you. I’m sure they forgave you and let it go. I hope you do too.

People never feel their age until the wheels come off like it did in this case.

I disagree. (not op). You decide to have kids you need to raise them. Kid's mistakes are nothing like the massive mistakes our parents make that make us rob our own children of our time and attention as we deal with the parent's challenging behavior. Also, I had a rage-a-haulic parent. She couldn't cope with our minor age-appropriate mistakes at all. If I took her approach it would be considered elder abuse.

OP, even if your parents were amazing growing up, you have a right to feel sad, angry, resentful, frustrated. Don't let anyone shame you out of her feelings or make you feel like this is anything like raising an innocent child. It's good you have boundaries. I just focus on managing my anger so I don't take it out on elder (even when elder lashes out), using elder's money to pay for qualified professionals and doing my best to keep my elder safe, while accepting I also have to respect her wishes to remain in an unsafe house that cannot be further elder-proofed.

Elderly parents robbing us of time with our kids is a very real thing. I have also seen that our parents often did not sacrifice themselves for their parents, but expect it from our generation. Don't know what to make of that.

Because people did not live as long. Most of our parents lost their parents when we were younger. And people didn't move into nursing homes until they really really had to. There are so many threads on people being angry at their parents for not wanting to go into assisted living. I urged my parents not to go into assisted living. It's awful. Please read Being Mortal to understand how most assisted living facilities are run wrong--mostly because of the litigious society we live in. Also, why do you feel you have to jump into your parents' mess? They made their choice, they just have to be fine with the consequences. There's nothing wrong with wanting to live the end of the life the way you want to, even if it means you fall and nobody finds you for 5 days. You die that way, it's still better than wasting away in a "skilled" nursing facility.

Let’s challenge this. My father can no longer get out of bed. So we are to let him lie there in his own filth for days until he dies of water deprivation/starvation because he says not moving? What if his mind is scrambled due to a stroke? What if Alzheimer’s is kicking in. Still let them make those decisions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through this exact thing right now with my (now) one living parent. It’s so hard to balance all the emotions, including the bitterness over their bad choices. We, too, are learning from it and will not put our kids through that. So hang in there OP.

What bad choices?

We added it up recently and in the last 18 months my parents who refused to leave their home and home town have requested and required 14 visits by me and my siblings. Each visit means a plane ticket and rental car. You do the math. This is a very selfish choice. We have used up our leave and then some from our jobs. I have gone to the home town to make them a holiday dinner and left my family to fend for themselves etc.

NP. FULLY agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through this exact thing right now with my (now) one living parent. It’s so hard to balance all the emotions, including the bitterness over their bad choices. We, too, are learning from it and will not put our kids through that. So hang in there OP.

What bad choices?

We added it up recently and in the last 18 months my parents who refused to leave their home and home town have requested and required 14 visits by me and my siblings. Each visit means a plane ticket and rental car. You do the math. This is a very selfish choice. We have used up our leave and then some from our jobs. I have gone to the home town to make them a holiday dinner and left my family to fend for themselves etc.

Your parents asking for company and support from their kids is a bad choice?

NP. Got the F away you troublemakers. Did you see the part about plane tickets, rental cars, leave from jobs, etc or did you simply ignore it so you can be a righteous dick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through this exact thing right now with my (now) one living parent. It’s so hard to balance all the emotions, including the bitterness over their bad choices. We, too, are learning from it and will not put our kids through that. So hang in there OP.

What bad choices?

We added it up recently and in the last 18 months my parents who refused to leave their home and home town have requested and required 14 visits by me and my siblings. Each visit means a plane ticket and rental car. You do the math. This is a very selfish choice. We have used up our leave and then some from our jobs. I have gone to the home town to make them a holiday dinner and left my family to fend for themselves etc.

Your parents asking for company and support from their kids is a bad choice?

NP. Bless your heart, silly, silly PP. a visit once in a while is okay. A crisis once a month that requires a plane ticket and time away from nuclear family is absolutely not okay. Common sense for functional adults.

My guess? The PP prior to you is blonde with a ponytail, is a trophy wife who doesn’t have to work

[Anonymous]

I can relate so much to the posters dealing with the agony of distance eldercare. It is triggering in me depression and anxiety from all the worry and stress. I too have a family and FT job far from my loved one but worry every day her. I manage all her caregivers, sone finances and other issues on top of taking care of my own kids and family and my own declining mental health in the face of all this. It’s terrible. I know it could be worse, I try to talk myself out of despair. I totally get the anger that our loved ones did not plan better or think about how they would manage in these elder years. Now it is our burden. We accept it reluctantly as we are sacrificing so much. Usually it is the daughters who do. The sons seem to vanish, most often.