Insisting that DC's college be within driving distance...reasonable or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So- here goes. The number of kids with mental illness first appearing in college has absolutely skyrocketed since Covid.

Anecdotally this is what I know:
2 co-workers (kids placed on psychaitric hold)
2 neighbors (kids fell into deep depression; parents had to fly out and bring them home)
1 woman at gym (son had first schizophrenia attack)
2 friends of neighbor's kids (depression and had to take semesters off)
1 good friend's son picked up by police wandering with first mental break--ended up in jail in another state because police didn't recognize symptoms

Studies/surveys now show kids in this demo group --30-35% are suffering from mental illness. And boys with depression can show absolutely zero signs to close family members and friends.

We aren't allowing our kids to go West to school. Not just for this reason, but also because with the airlines and the trouble and expense of flights and for the fact for both of them their intended majors are much better served in this area.

For the majority of these, I would not respond by jumping in my car to drive 7 hours.

The one sitting in a jail cell in a mental break DEFINITELY needed his parents to show up. And it was traumatic for everyone. If they hadn't stepped in it would have been ugly. They were able to drive him to and select an in-patient facility near their home. There is no way he would have gotten out of prison, had the proper legal representation and been able to be transported in his manic, schizophrenic state without his parents taking him. They were luckily 75 minute drive away.

I agree! But I would have flown, not driven for that level of emergency. Like you say, it was lucky that his parents could be there in 75 minutes.

On the other end, needing to take a semester off for depression is neither a "jump in the car and drive now" emergency OR a last-minute flight emergency.

You really think you can just book a flight that easily--depending on the location of the school, flight availability and number of flights per day and/if you need a connection? My friend has to book a flight and then a train or rent a car for another hour drive. It is a big hassle if they are trying to do this with little notice. In an emergency, it would be next to impossible.

Now is we are talking direct flights to Boston that happen from DC literally every hour and they are right there that's one thing. But a lot of these schools in the midwest or different portions of Cali, etc. are not that direct.

I agree with you, and I also said a DIRECT flight is a better proposition than a 7-8 hour drive in an emergency situation. It's just that a very long drive isn't really that great of an emergency plan, especially if you get the news late at night, and now we are talking an all-night drive and an exhausted parent trying to deal with the medical or criminal justice system? It's just not much of a plan at all, if that's what we are trying to plan around.

Yes but with a school within driving distance, you have both options, either a flight or a drive. Or sometimes a train too. If it's not within driving distance, you are completely at the mercy of the airlines. I don't want to be in that situation if my child needs me urgently, but to each their own.

Not necessarily. A lot of schools are in deep rural areas where a flight wouldn't really help. A lot of schools within a short plane distance, are within a long drive.

You're just talking through your hat, OP. Start making the list with your kid, looking at costs, and when you're closer to applying, you'll understand what we're trying to tell you.

It's no use being rigid and setting limits that don't actually make sense. Do your homework instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t set any arbitrary distance rules, but now that we’re 2 years in I’m super grateful that kid is a reasonable drive away (4 hours one way.) We never just pop in unexpectedly, it’s still a long drive. But the stress I hear all the parents on the college FB group dealing with regarding flights/storage etc is significant and I’m glad we just don’t have to deal with that. Also when there have been medical emergencies or issues my ability to just get in car and go gave me peace of mind.

+1

[Anonymous]

I have a lot of cousins in/just out of college. The ones who went far away from home actually fully went to college and became independent adults. The ones who went to school an hour from home never fully fledged - it was too easy to come home for a doctors appt, family event, HS friend bday, etc.

Some things are worth an extra $1000 in airfare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a lot of cousins in/just out of college. The ones who went far away from home actually fully went to college and became independent adults. The ones who went to school an hour from home never fully fledged - it was too easy to come home for a doctors appt, family event, HS friend bday, etc.

Some things are worth an extra $1000 in airfare.

I've seen similar patterns in my life, although maybe kids/parents who knew the kids weren't really ready are also those that picked local schools.

[Anonymous]

Of course it's reasonable.

My oldest kid started college across the country and I didn't have enough money for me and siblings to fly out. (I'm a single mom.) I wasn't worried because kiddo was always very self-sufficient and independent. Plus, we had a relative who said they could help. Well something came up Spring semester, that relative was too busy with work and I could not afford to go out. Kiddo finished that year but ended up deciding not to go back. I should have insisted they choose a closer college. The entire year was very stressful because finances were too stretched and kiddo was so far and couldn't even come home much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's reasonable.

My oldest kid started college across the country and I didn't have enough money for me and siblings to fly out. (I'm a single mom.) I wasn't worried because kiddo was always very self-sufficient and independent. Plus, we had a relative who said they could help. Well something came up Spring semester, that relative was too busy with work and I could not afford to go out. Kiddo finished that year but ended up deciding not to go back. I should have insisted they choose a closer college. The entire year was very stressful because finances were too stretched and kiddo was so far and couldn't even come home much.

It sounds like the real problem was that you couldn't afford school, not that you couldn't afford the specific location.

[Anonymous]

Of course it’s reasonable. It’s OP’s money, it’s a lot of money, and it’s college not a marriage. More than one college can be a “perfect fit.”

Stop indulging your kids.

[Anonymous]

We just can't afford air fare back and forth

Imo the only reasonable one of the 3 reasons

[Anonymous]

Unreasonable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re the parents so you get to set the rules, unless she is now self-financing.

Bingo, end of thread.

[Anonymous]

My parents were ok with 8 hours. They would do the drive four times per year and fly me home for thanksgiving and spring break.

There was only one emergency situation in all 4 years. It wasn’t a huge issue in the end, though, because it happened around finals.

We actually have already dealt with several problems with our high schooler attending programs at universities over the past couple years. Luckily, in only one situation did we have to drive 5 hours to get to her. Was it a pain? Yes. But we made it work.

For her, I think 4-5 hour drive is a good radius. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it next year.

[Anonymous]

It totally depends on how close you are with your child. I have two in college: one wanted to be close, the other wanted to be as far away as possible. Both got their wish. I would recommend not preventing anything they want at this stage and let them make the decision. Other than the financial aspect, they should be able to make these decisions for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course it's reasonable.

My oldest kid started college across the country and I didn't have enough money for me and siblings to fly out. (I'm a single mom.) I wasn't worried because kiddo was always very self-sufficient and independent. Plus, we had a relative who said they could help. Well something came up Spring semester, that relative was too busy with work and I could not afford to go out. Kiddo finished that year but ended up deciding not to go back. I should have insisted they choose a closer college. The entire year was very stressful because finances were too stretched and kiddo was so far and couldn't even come home much.

It sounds like the real problem was that you couldn't afford school, not that you couldn't afford the specific location.

No, it wasn't about not being able to afford the school; we couldn't afford the travel to the specific location. Had kiddo been within a day's drive, they could have come home more often which would have been better for them.

By the way, I grew up in NYC and it was very, very common for parents not to allow their kids to leave the city or require kids to be driving distance. This is not an unusual restriction.

[Anonymous]

Don’t think reasonable. Lots of times for various reasons costs come in lower.

[Anonymous]

I think the thing to keep in mind is they are adults, part of the experience is trying a new homebase, so working a little expense and inconvenience to allow for that is good, if possible. Really six hour drive doesn't make that much of a difference in budget. If you are going and collecting, it's still an overnight. Typically at most one parent goes, because a car full of family is no better than two suitcases on an airplane. Ideally the student finds a way to transport themselves, with a carpool or a solo plane ticket. My oldest was 3000 miles but in a major city with easy flights. My youngest is a six hour drive, but with a major metro area and potential traffic jams in the middle. I'm in no mood to visit, and in an emergency I couldn't get there much quicker. Of course the parent sets the budget, but it may be more a psychological barrier than the expense. They're entering a phase where you can't necessarily be there in an instant.