How polite are you obligated to be to someone who is unwittingly rude or inconsiderate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP— you sound like you have autism. Have you had yourself checked? If not, please do.

I posted before (saying I knew people like OP), and nearly added this, but refrained. Since the PP broached the subject, I must concur. Most of the people I know who do this are on the spectrum. It's difficult for them correctly gauge the emotional impact of their tone and word choice, particularly when they're upset. They're very mentally rigid and need to categorize feelings and situations, since it helps them pick the most appropriate social response, but because of this, they get bogged down in what OP is trying to do: parsing "rude" vs "clueless", or "polite" vs "curt". I've noticed that there is a lot of punitive thinking going on in the background: that when someone does something "bad", they deserve a punitive approach. I assume that's because as children, they were parented by adults who knew nothing about ASD, and were often told they were bad and punished as a result. It's a childish oversimplification, but it works as a rigid framework, and they're familiar with it, so they continue to use it.

However there is very little treatment available for adults on the spectrum. The best treatment is living with someone who can teach them a little more self-awareness in the moment (I am that person for my ASD husband and son). Therapists can only do so much, since they don't live with the patient and must rely on their account of events, which will necessarily be biased.

Where did you get your medical degree?

Actually I'm a research scientist, and this is my area of study. Thanks for noticing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP— you sound like you have autism. Have you had yourself checked? If not, please do.

I posted before (saying I knew people like OP), and nearly added this, but refrained. Since the PP broached the subject, I must concur. Most of the people I know who do this are on the spectrum. It's difficult for them correctly gauge the emotional impact of their tone and word choice, particularly when they're upset. They're very mentally rigid and need to categorize feelings and situations, since it helps them pick the most appropriate social response, but because of this, they get bogged down in what OP is trying to do: parsing "rude" vs "clueless", or "polite" vs "curt". I've noticed that there is a lot of punitive thinking going on in the background: that when someone does something "bad", they deserve a punitive approach. I assume that's because as children, they were parented by adults who knew nothing about ASD, and were often told they were bad and punished as a result. It's a childish oversimplification, but it works as a rigid framework, and they're familiar with it, so they continue to use it.

However there is very little treatment available for adults on the spectrum. The best treatment is living with someone who can teach them a little more self-awareness in the moment (I am that person for my ASD husband and son). Therapists can only do so much, since they don't live with the patient and must rely on their account of events, which will necessarily be biased.

Where did you get your medical degree?

Actually I'm a research scientist, and this is my area of study. Thanks for noticing!

You are a research scientist who specializes in ASD, and you think you can diagnose someone with autism based on one anonymous post on DCUM.

Where's your degree from? TikTok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP— you sound like you have autism. Have you had yourself checked? If not, please do.

I posted before (saying I knew people like OP), and nearly added this, but refrained. Since the PP broached the subject, I must concur. Most of the people I know who do this are on the spectrum. It's difficult for them correctly gauge the emotional impact of their tone and word choice, particularly when they're upset. They're very mentally rigid and need to categorize feelings and situations, since it helps them pick the most appropriate social response, but because of this, they get bogged down in what OP is trying to do: parsing "rude" vs "clueless", or "polite" vs "curt". I've noticed that there is a lot of punitive thinking going on in the background: that when someone does something "bad", they deserve a punitive approach. I assume that's because as children, they were parented by adults who knew nothing about ASD, and were often told they were bad and punished as a result. It's a childish oversimplification, but it works as a rigid framework, and they're familiar with it, so they continue to use it.

However there is very little treatment available for adults on the spectrum. The best treatment is living with someone who can teach them a little more self-awareness in the moment (I am that person for my ASD husband and son). Therapists can only do so much, since they don't live with the patient and must rely on their account of events, which will necessarily be biased.

Where did you get your medical degree?

Actually I'm a research scientist, and this is my area of study. Thanks for noticing!

You are a research scientist who specializes in ASD, and you think you can diagnose someone with autism based on one anonymous post on DCUM.

Where's your degree from? TikTok?

In fairness to the PP, there are hundreds of people who diagnose others with autism on this site.

“Your DH forgot to take out the trash? He must be on the spectrum”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assume the person has no idea whatsoever that their behavior is rude or inconsiderate, so your response will be their first indication that their behavior is a problem. Examples:

1) You are in the kitchen, preparing a meal for other people and tidying up. An adult family member comes in the kitchen to do something unrelated to the meal and is getting in your way, disrupting a time-sensitive cooking schedule.

2) While out with a group of friends, one of them starts joking about "people who do X," not realizing you are a person who does X.

3) A neighbor who has located climbing plants along a shared fence, that regularly come over, under, and through the fence, necessitating you to frequently have to cut them back. The neighbor likely understands the climbing plants make their way into your yard, but they are totally oblivious to the idea that it bothers you, as it would not bother them.

Are you obligated to be polite when you inform these people that their behavior is offensive or inconsiderate to you?

Op - I ask this with kindness and not to point fingers - but is it possible you are on the spectrum?
I ask bc most adults intuitively know and understand the nuance of these situations - that yes of course you have to be polite and assume good intent unless proven otherwise.
People on the spectrum can need to have rules spelled out for them, but also are easily upset when others ‘break’ or disrupt what the autistic person has determined are the ‘rules’ of society and can find it hard to tell the difference between intention and action.
If you do have asd it might be helpful to know this about yourself bc many in that community have similar challenges and then are surprised that they can come off as rude.
Appreciate you asking and being thoughtful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Assume the person has no idea whatsoever that their behavior is rude or inconsiderate, so your response will be their first indication that their behavior is a problem. Examples:

1) You are in the kitchen, preparing a meal for other people and tidying up. An adult family member comes in the kitchen to do something unrelated to the meal and is getting in your way, disrupting a time-sensitive cooking schedule.

2) While out with a group of friends, one of them starts joking about "people who do X," not realizing you are a person who does X.

3) A neighbor who has located climbing plants along a shared fence, that regularly come over, under, and through the fence, necessitating you to frequently have to cut them back. The neighbor likely understands the climbing plants make their way into your yard, but they are totally oblivious to the idea that it bothers you, as it would not bother them.

Are you obligated to be polite when you inform these people that their behavior is offensive or inconsiderate to you?

Op - I ask this with kindness and not to point fingers - but is it possible you are on the spectrum?
I ask bc most adults intuitively know and understand the nuance of these situations - that yes of course you have to be polite and assume good intent unless proven otherwise.
People on the spectrum can need to have rules spelled out for them, but also are easily upset when others ‘break’ or disrupt what the autistic person has determined are the ‘rules’ of society and can find it hard to tell the difference between intention and action.
If you do have asd it might be helpful to know this about yourself bc many in that community have similar challenges and then are surprised that they can come off as rude.
Appreciate you asking and being thoughtful

OP here and no, I’m not on the spectrum, but thank you all for your concern

I was not asking because I need anything “spelled out for me” but because I have noticed that people seem to have different attitudes about this. I don’t personally mind if someone lets me know I’ve done something rude or inconsiderate without sugar coating it (in fact I appreciate the directness) but some people seem to want more “honey” as they say. But perhaps I phrased the question poorly, because people seem to assume I’m screaming at people for minor things or sitting around dwelling on these situations. I’m not, I literally made those examples up because I thought it would be useful to have examples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know people like you, OP.

They get so anxious and agitated about the perceived slights that they cannot see how "being blunt" is an over-reaction, and rude in itself. They do not have the emotional maturity to express themselves more politely in as few words as possible. "So sorry, need to reach over here" and you get your eggs. The tone is important as well. Apologetic, while reaching the eggs. No shoving, just start moving into your space smoothly while you say it.

All this speaks to a lack on your part, of social know-how. It's emotional quotient and verbal ability that's the problem here.

Please do better. Otherwise you're going to come across like an antisocial bear.

This is an insightful take—but OP may not know How to do better. How can someone learn to be better? Not trolling!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know people like you, OP.

They get so anxious and agitated about the perceived slights that they cannot see how "being blunt" is an over-reaction, and rude in itself. They do not have the emotional maturity to express themselves more politely in as few words as possible. "So sorry, need to reach over here" and you get your eggs. The tone is important as well. Apologetic, while reaching the eggs. No shoving, just start moving into your space smoothly while you say it.

All this speaks to a lack on your part, of social know-how. It's emotional quotient and verbal ability that's the problem here.

Please do better. Otherwise you're going to come across like an antisocial bear.

I think you are misunderstanding who is overreacting here.

Bluntly telling someone who is in the middle of doing something rude or inconsiderate "you need to stop" is not an overreaction. It's a direct communication of needs. If I'm cooking dinner for 12 and uncle bob comes in to put on a pot of tea because he's decided that's important right now, bluntly telling him that no, he needs to get out of the way so that I can finish making dinner, is not an overreaction. Sure, I could be super nice about it but I don't think I have to be. Uncle Bob is in the wrong and I'm just letting him know he needs to move.

But what happens is that when you bluntly communicate these things to people, sometimes THEY overreact. Suddenly you are mean and terrible because you didn't stop everything to accommodate them, or because you didn't carefully calibrate your tone. But this is them being overly sensitive.

Look, everyone messes up sometimes. But when you mess up and someone corrects you, just accept it and move on. It is so tedious when someone is in the wrong, knows their in the wrong, but still somehow blames you because you didn't explain it to them nicely enough. Grow up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know people like you, OP.

They get so anxious and agitated about the perceived slights that they cannot see how "being blunt" is an over-reaction, and rude in itself. They do not have the emotional maturity to express themselves more politely in as few words as possible. "So sorry, need to reach over here" and you get your eggs. The tone is important as well. Apologetic, while reaching the eggs. No shoving, just start moving into your space smoothly while you say it.

All this speaks to a lack on your part, of social know-how. It's emotional quotient and verbal ability that's the problem here.

Please do better. Otherwise you're going to come across like an antisocial bear.

I think you are misunderstanding who is overreacting here.

Bluntly telling someone who is in the middle of doing something rude or inconsiderate "you need to stop" is not an overreaction. It's a direct communication of needs. If I'm cooking dinner for 12 and uncle bob comes in to put on a pot of tea because he's decided that's important right now, bluntly telling him that no, he needs to get out of the way so that I can finish making dinner, is not an overreaction. Sure, I could be super nice about it but I don't think I have to be. Uncle Bob is in the wrong and I'm just letting him know he needs to move.

But what happens is that when you bluntly communicate these things to people, sometimes THEY overreact. Suddenly you are mean and terrible because you didn't stop everything to accommodate them, or because you didn't carefully calibrate your tone. But this is them being overly sensitive.

Look, everyone messes up sometimes. But when you mess up and someone corrects you, just accept it and move on. It is so tedious when someone is in the wrong, knows their in the wrong, but still somehow blames you because you didn't explain it to them nicely enough. Grow up!

In your cooking example, it sounds like you are stressed and you don't like Uncle Bob very much in general. Uncle Bob also seems unaware of how his presence and tea making is interfering with your work. But your response, in the example, comes across as rude. If you changed a few words, it wouldn't sound rude, it would sound understandably exasperated and most folks would not get upset. "Hey Uncle Bob, I need that burner right now for the soup." "Uncle Bob, kitchens off limits for the next 30 minutes. Sorry!"

I think you should re-read your last paragraph and contemplate how it applies to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know people like you, OP.

They get so anxious and agitated about the perceived slights that they cannot see how "being blunt" is an over-reaction, and rude in itself. They do not have the emotional maturity to express themselves more politely in as few words as possible. "So sorry, need to reach over here" and you get your eggs. The tone is important as well. Apologetic, while reaching the eggs. No shoving, just start moving into your space smoothly while you say it.

All this speaks to a lack on your part, of social know-how. It's emotional quotient and verbal ability that's the problem here.

Please do better. Otherwise you're going to come across like an antisocial bear.

I think you are misunderstanding who is overreacting here.

Bluntly telling someone who is in the middle of doing something rude or inconsiderate "you need to stop" is not an overreaction. It's a direct communication of needs. If I'm cooking dinner for 12 and uncle bob comes in to put on a pot of tea because he's decided that's important right now, bluntly telling him that no, he needs to get out of the way so that I can finish making dinner, is not an overreaction. Sure, I could be super nice about it but I don't think I have to be. Uncle Bob is in the wrong and I'm just letting him know he needs to move.

But what happens is that when you bluntly communicate these things to people, sometimes THEY overreact. Suddenly you are mean and terrible because you didn't stop everything to accommodate them, or because you didn't carefully calibrate your tone. But this is them being overly sensitive.

Look, everyone messes up sometimes. But when you mess up and someone corrects you, just accept it and move on. It is so tedious when someone is in the wrong, knows their in the wrong, but still somehow blames you because you didn't explain it to them nicely enough. Grow up!

Your anxiety and frustration comes across clearly in what you wrote.

Presumably since he’s an uncle, Uncle Bob is a houseguest. It seems rude to tell a houseguest that they’re in the way. He’s not wrong to be taken aback at such a blunt comment; it sounds like you’re scolding a child. And if you’re saying, “ you need to stop,” to a man, others overhearing your comment may get the wrong idea of what is going on in that kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know people like you, OP.

They get so anxious and agitated about the perceived slights that they cannot see how "being blunt" is an over-reaction, and rude in itself. They do not have the emotional maturity to express themselves more politely in as few words as possible. "So sorry, need to reach over here" and you get your eggs. The tone is important as well. Apologetic, while reaching the eggs. No shoving, just start moving into your space smoothly while you say it.

All this speaks to a lack on your part, of social know-how. It's emotional quotient and verbal ability that's the problem here.

Please do better. Otherwise you're going to come across like an antisocial bear.

I think you are misunderstanding who is overreacting here.

Bluntly telling someone who is in the middle of doing something rude or inconsiderate "you need to stop" is not an overreaction. It's a direct communication of needs. If I'm cooking dinner for 12 and uncle bob comes in to put on a pot of tea because he's decided that's important right now, bluntly telling him that no, he needs to get out of the way so that I can finish making dinner, is not an overreaction. Sure, I could be super nice about it but I don't think I have to be. Uncle Bob is in the wrong and I'm just letting him know he needs to move.

But what happens is that when you bluntly communicate these things to people, sometimes THEY overreact. Suddenly you are mean and terrible because you didn't stop everything to accommodate them, or because you didn't carefully calibrate your tone. But this is them being overly sensitive.

Look, everyone messes up sometimes. But when you mess up and someone corrects you, just accept it and move on. It is so tedious when someone is in the wrong, knows their in the wrong, but still somehow blames you because you didn't explain it to them nicely enough. Grow up!

Your anxiety and frustration comes across clearly in what you wrote.

Presumably since he’s an uncle, Uncle Bob is a houseguest. It seems rude to tell a houseguest that they’re in the way. He’s not wrong to be taken aback at such a blunt comment; it sounds like you’re scolding a child. And if you’re saying, “ you need to stop,” to a man, others overhearing your comment may get the wrong idea of what is going on in that kitchen.

Unless your kitchen is tiny and you only have hot plates to cook on, it would be really rude to deny a guest a beverage. Boiling water for tea takes very little space and no time at all. I’m assuming you’re one of these “kitchen is closed” people.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing: some people will not understand (or will choose not to understand) if you aren't blunt. Like sometimes to set a boundary, you have to be blunt in order to be clear. And if you have people in your life who like to push boundaries and see what they can get away with, you may need to eschew etiquette in favor of clarity.

Also, I've had people in my life who will use taking offense at my bluntness as a manipulation tactic. When you give them a clear "no" they immediately flip to "you're mean." But this becomes disingenuous if you've already attempted the polite, nice version of "no" and they have just ignored it over and over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing: some people will not understand (or will choose not to understand) if you aren't blunt. Like sometimes to set a boundary, you have to be blunt in order to be clear. And if you have people in your life who like to push boundaries and see what they can get away with, you may need to eschew etiquette in favor of clarity.

Also, I've had people in my life who will use taking offense at my bluntness as a manipulation tactic. When you give them a clear "no" they immediately flip to "you're mean." But this becomes disingenuous if you've already attempted the polite, nice version of "no" and they have just ignored it over and over again.

OP isn’t really asking about bluntness. She’s basically asking if she can be rude and short to people are are doing pretty normal things. Yelling “NO!” At uncle bob when he’s trying to make tea is just plain weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP— you sound like you have autism. Have you had yourself checked? If not, please do.

I posted before (saying I knew people like OP), and nearly added this, but refrained. Since the PP broached the subject, I must concur. Most of the people I know who do this are on the spectrum. It's difficult for them correctly gauge the emotional impact of their tone and word choice, particularly when they're upset. They're very mentally rigid and need to categorize feelings and situations, since it helps them pick the most appropriate social response, but because of this, they get bogged down in what OP is trying to do: parsing "rude" vs "clueless", or "polite" vs "curt". I've noticed that there is a lot of punitive thinking going on in the background: that when someone does something "bad", they deserve a punitive approach. I assume that's because as children, they were parented by adults who knew nothing about ASD, and were often told they were bad and punished as a result. It's a childish oversimplification, but it works as a rigid framework, and they're familiar with it, so they continue to use it.

However there is very little treatment available for adults on the spectrum. The best treatment is living with someone who can teach them a little more self-awareness in the moment (I am that person for my ASD husband and son). Therapists can only do so much, since they don't live with the patient and must rely on their account of events, which will necessarily be biased.

Where did you get your medical degree?

Actually I'm a research scientist, and this is my area of study. Thanks for noticing!

NP. Your insights are helpful to me…my husband is also on the spectrum, and so much of what you said resonates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing: some people will not understand (or will choose not to understand) if you aren't blunt. Like sometimes to set a boundary, you have to be blunt in order to be clear. And if you have people in your life who like to push boundaries and see what they can get away with, you may need to eschew etiquette in favor of clarity.

Also, I've had people in my life who will use taking offense at my bluntness as a manipulation tactic. When you give them a clear "no" they immediately flip to "you're mean." But this becomes disingenuous if you've already attempted the polite, nice version of "no" and they have just ignored it over and over again.

Absolutely. Blunt is a poor word choice, though isn’t it? It’s being candid, direct. It’s refreshing. If someone is being rude, it’s best to be direct with them, while also being aware the person may not intend to be rude. So, OP needs to assess each situation, and if it’s a repeat offender perhaps set some boundaries. As others said, it’s best to let small things go or use a little humor.

[Anonymous]

You could tell everyone to stay out of the kitchen until you are done in a nice way. I do it all the time. My kids know to stay out when I am preparing.