How polite are you obligated to be to someone who is unwittingly rude or inconsiderate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP— you sound like you have autism. Have you had yourself checked? If not, please do.

I posted before (saying I knew people like OP), and nearly added this, but refrained. Since the PP broached the subject, I must concur. Most of the people I know who do this are on the spectrum. It's difficult for them correctly gauge the emotional impact of their tone and word choice, particularly when they're upset. They're very mentally rigid and need to categorize feelings and situations, since it helps them pick the most appropriate social response, but because of this, they get bogged down in what OP is trying to do: parsing "rude" vs "clueless", or "polite" vs "curt". I've noticed that there is a lot of punitive thinking going on in the background: that when someone does something "bad", they deserve a punitive approach. I assume that's because as children, they were parented by adults who knew nothing about ASD, and were often told they were bad and punished as a result. It's a childish oversimplification, but it works as a rigid framework, and they're familiar with it, so they continue to use it.

However there is very little treatment available for adults on the spectrum. The best treatment is living with someone who can teach them a little more self-awareness in the moment (I am that person for my ASD husband and son). Therapists can only do so much, since they don't live with the patient and must rely on their account of events, which will necessarily be biased.

[Anonymous]

You sound passive-aggressive and the type to become annoyed when people can’t read your mind. Communicate, OP.

[Anonymous]

None of these things are a big deal AT ALL, OP. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assume the person has no idea whatsoever that their behavior is rude or inconsiderate, so your response will be their first indication that their behavior is a problem. Examples:

1) You are in the kitchen, preparing a meal for other people and tidying up. An adult family member comes in the kitchen to do something unrelated to the meal and is getting in your way, disrupting a time-sensitive cooking schedule.

2) While out with a group of friends, one of them starts joking about "people who do X," not realizing you are a person who does X.

3) A neighbor who has located climbing plants along a shared fence, that regularly come over, under, and through the fence, necessitating you to frequently have to cut them back. The neighbor likely understands the climbing plants make their way into your yard, but they are totally oblivious to the idea that it bothers you, as it would not bother them.

Are you obligated to be polite when you inform these people that their behavior is offensive or inconsiderate to you?

All of the above, at their worse, are minor annoyances. Get a life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound passive-aggressive and the type to become annoyed when people can’t read your mind. Communicate, OP.

+1

My SIL is like this. She wants a favor but does not want to ask for it - instead puts it on you to step up, because she won't ask the right questions - so you sit there saying "do you want this?" "do you want that?" - because you also know how easily offended she can be, and it is all about her. Exhausting. Just ask us, we will be glad to answer yes or no (unless it is personal information, which we know you love).

Be an adult. Use your words, OP.

[Anonymous]

Your examples 1 and 2 do make me wonder if you have some odd quirks in your understanding of social relationships. And that's ok.

Yes, just be nice in these situations. There's absolutely zero reason to shun social norms by being "blunt."

Excuse me, I need to get into the fridge... Oh sorry I need to get back to the stove now. The person will move out of your way. They will probably get the cue to stand back or leave the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound passive-aggressive and the type to become annoyed when people can’t read your mind. Communicate, OP.

DP here. It could be this, or it could be the other person is "daring OP to move" - kind of thing. I see this in the DC area often - people can be unnecessarily aggressive (there was also a recent post about people walking on the sidewalk and not moving). If you go to other Metropolitan areas, people tend to be more considerate and less prone to pretend to not be aware (ie: less anger at life, less of a p&ssing contest).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound passive-aggressive and the type to become annoyed when people can’t read your mind. Communicate, OP.

DP here. It could be this, or it could be the other person is "daring OP to move" - kind of thing. I see this in the DC area often - people can be unnecessarily aggressive (there was also a recent post about people walking on the sidewalk and not moving). If you go to other Metropolitan areas, people tend to be more considerate and less prone to pretend to not be aware (ie: less anger at life, less of a p&ssing contest).

In other words, it might not be unintentional, it might just be primitive, OP.

[Anonymous]

I think people on this thread have vastly overreacted to what was a pretty innocuous question. It could also be phrased like this:

If someone is being inconsiderate to you, are you required to say "please" when asking them to stop being inconsiderate?

It is inconsiderate to get in the way of someone doing a task who is clearly busy and has no time to talk. It's inconsiderate to talk $hit about certain kinds of people when one of those people might be in the room (also kind of inconsiderate to talk $hit about groups of people, maybe dial that down). It's inconsiderate to plant climbing plants near a property boundary.

I would argue that saying please in these situations might get you a better response, but you aren't obligated to do so.

"Tom, I'm in the middle of something and can't talk. I need you out of the kitchen."
"Actually, Karen, I've been getting Botox for years and I don't look like a 'frozen face loony tune' nor am I 'shallow as $hit,' maybe consider what other people do with their bodies is not actually your business."
"Hi Mr. Thomas, I am letting you know your vines along the back fence are climbing over and choking my azaleas. I'm going to have to cut them back aggressively, it's really a pain for me."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound passive-aggressive and the type to become annoyed when people can’t read your mind. Communicate, OP.

This is exactly backwards. The question is whether communicating directly is "impolite" or if you are required to be a bit more passive aggressive, but sugar coating your response to people who are being annoying but might have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound passive-aggressive and the type to become annoyed when people can’t read your mind. Communicate, OP.

This is exactly backwards. The question is whether communicating directly is "impolite" or if you are required to be a bit more passive aggressive, but sugar coating your response to people who are being annoying but might have no idea.

+1

Bingo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, because these are all people you have an ongoing relationship with. It's not hard to say "Sorry, I need the exclusive run of the kitchen for the next ten minutes - it's time sensitive." Or to say "Yep, I crack my knuckles so often I don't even notice; sorry it annoys you." Come on.

This right here.

I would answer according to if I want to die alone and miserable or happy and loved surrounded by friends and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP— you sound like you have autism. Have you had yourself checked? If not, please do.

I posted before (saying I knew people like OP), and nearly added this, but refrained. Since the PP broached the subject, I must concur. Most of the people I know who do this are on the spectrum. It's difficult for them correctly gauge the emotional impact of their tone and word choice, particularly when they're upset. They're very mentally rigid and need to categorize feelings and situations, since it helps them pick the most appropriate social response, but because of this, they get bogged down in what OP is trying to do: parsing "rude" vs "clueless", or "polite" vs "curt". I've noticed that there is a lot of punitive thinking going on in the background: that when someone does something "bad", they deserve a punitive approach. I assume that's because as children, they were parented by adults who knew nothing about ASD, and were often told they were bad and punished as a result. It's a childish oversimplification, but it works as a rigid framework, and they're familiar with it, so they continue to use it.

However there is very little treatment available for adults on the spectrum. The best treatment is living with someone who can teach them a little more self-awareness in the moment (I am that person for my ASD husband and son). Therapists can only do so much, since they don't live with the patient and must rely on their account of events, which will necessarily be biased.

Where did you get your medical degree?

[Anonymous]

In those situations, in the kitchen I would yell at them "if you're not cooking, get out of the kitchen!" In the second example, raise your hand and say you are someone who does that. And in the third, put up a sign saying you dislike plants climbing on your side of the fence. In other situations where a complete stranger comes up and picks on you for a certain trait you can't help, then I think you should go off on them.

[Anonymous]

Most of you sound like you don't cook. It can be dangerous, fires can start, hot oil can splatter, etc. Anyone who comes in a kitchen to chat is lacking awareness and shouldn't be in there. It's one thing if you are making a salad or cold sandwiches, but if you are making something more complicated, are using the oven or stove, or need to move quickly to plate it all up while it's still hot, then by all means let your inner Gordon Ramsey out and set those bloody bastards straight.