How polite are you obligated to be to someone who is unwittingly rude or inconsiderate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s always best to behave with maturity instead of reading someone the riot act over some imagined slight.

OP here. I'm not talking about "reading the riot act." I'm talking about being blunt versus being polite. Like saying "nope, can't talk, and I need you to move" to the person in the kitchen, instead of saying "oh I'd love to chat about this but I'm actually in the middle of something, would you mind moving to the other side of the island so I can pull those eggs before they're overcooked?"

No, just be a normal adult and say “Hey, can you move over, I need to get this in the oven” instead of being weirdly hostile to your guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assume the person has no idea whatsoever that their behavior is rude or inconsiderate, so your response will be their first indication that their behavior is a problem. Examples:

1) You are in the kitchen, preparing a meal for other people and tidying up. An adult family member comes in the kitchen to do something unrelated to the meal and is getting in your way, disrupting a time-sensitive cooking schedule.

2) While out with a group of friends, one of them starts joking about "people who do X," not realizing you are a person who does X.

3) A neighbor who has located climbing plants along a shared fence, that regularly come over, under, and through the fence, necessitating you to frequently have to cut them back. The neighbor likely understands the climbing plants make their way into your yard, but they are totally oblivious to the idea that it bothers you, as it would not bother them.

Are you obligated to be polite when you inform these people that their behavior is offensive or inconsiderate to you?

The question isn't even in obligation territory. It's more like, who would even let themselves be seen getting in a tissy over such trivial things. That would be embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

I know people like you, OP.

They get so anxious and agitated about the perceived slights that they cannot see how "being blunt" is an over-reaction, and rude in itself. They do not have the emotional maturity to express themselves more politely in as few words as possible. "So sorry, need to reach over here" and you get your eggs. The tone is important as well. Apologetic, while reaching the eggs. No shoving, just start moving into your space smoothly while you say it.

All this speaks to a lack on your part, of social know-how. It's emotional quotient and verbal ability that's the problem here.

Please do better. Otherwise you're going to come across like an antisocial bear.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think people are misunderstanding my question. I am not talking about "getting in a tizzy" or "reading the riot act." I'm not talking about being angry or rude. I'm asking what degree of politeness you think these situations obligate you to have. How gently and politely do you need to be when letting someone know they are being rude or inconsiderate?

In other words, I would assume some level of tact and politeness as a civil person (I'm not going to swear at someone or call them names or shout at them, etc.) but there are degrees of politeness.

For instance, in the kitchen example, say this person has come into the kitchen, planted themselves in between two work stations that you need to be accessing to keep something from burning and also preparing an ingredient that needs to be added shortly, and then they ask you a friendly question totally unrelated to what you are doing. Normally I'd consider it impolite to ignore a question or an invitation to make conversation, but in that situation I think they are actually being rude (unintentionally, by failing to read the situation and understand it's not a good time to chat), so I might be more curt "sorry, can't talk about this now, and can I get behind you I need to pull those." It's not polite but I don't think it's rude or mean -- just direct. But some people seem to need a lot more than that and will get upset by that.

So my question was broadly, how much do you need to work at protecting the feelings of someone whose being unwittingly rude. I guess I land on the side of "not that much" but it seems like some people think you need to be very tactful in these situations. I was curious how others viewed it, but I think people have misread my question to assume I'm yelling at people or having dramatic confrontations, when I'm just being direct about the fact that they've misstepped in some way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't address any of those, they're really not a big deal.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a huge pain. Do you have any friends? I would let all of these things go! There is no need to be a jerk!

1) can I squeeze past you? Gotta get the quiche in the oven!
2) say nothing! Evaluate why you do X and if you should stop
3) let it go! Enjoy the free plants!

This except if the free plants are a problem discuss it calmly and nicely and try to find a solution together.

[Anonymous]

OP needs to calm down and be normal instead of getting hysterical

[Anonymous]

None of this requires a huge amount of protecting or tact. Is someone complaining to you that you are being an ahole?
Basically, I would assume the best of everyone (or at the least, assume cluelessness). 1& 2 I assume are close friends/relatives - with a laugh, tell them, hey, get out of the kitchen for 5, or very, that’s me, I’m from MN!
The third is a different scenario, that requires a tactful conversation & boundary setting.

You seem to put all of these people in the same category - they are all rude oafs who annoy you. (If so, why are they in your kitchen?) Can’t someone make an honest mistake & you laugh it off - “get outta my way Helen, or you’re getting burnt toast for breakfast”? I feel like it depends on the relationship, not the situation- there are family & friends you don’t have to be super formal around, & then neighbors like plant lady who might need more tact.

[Anonymous]

OP— you sound like you have autism. Have you had yourself checked? If not, please do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s always best to behave with maturity instead of reading someone the riot act over some imagined slight.

OP here. I'm not talking about "reading the riot act." I'm talking about being blunt versus being polite. Like saying "nope, can't talk, and I need you to move" to the person in the kitchen, instead of saying "oh I'd love to chat about this but I'm actually in the middle of something, would you mind moving to the other side of the island so I can pull those eggs before they're overcooked?"

No, just be a normal adult and say “Hey, can you move over, I need to get this in the oven” instead of being weirdly hostile to your guests.

I think it's more about op's emotional regulation than the words used. Even saying "excuse me" when you're tightly wound will sound unnecessarily offensive while "get out of the way!" when in a good mood could even be ok among friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s always best to behave with maturity instead of reading someone the riot act over some imagined slight.

OP here. I'm not talking about "reading the riot act." I'm talking about being blunt versus being polite. Like saying "nope, can't talk, and I need you to move" to the person in the kitchen, instead of saying "oh I'd love to chat about this but I'm actually in the middle of something, would you mind moving to the other side of the island so I can pull those eggs before they're overcooked?"

No, just be a normal adult and say “Hey, can you move over, I need to get this in the oven” instead of being weirdly hostile to your guests.

I think it's more about op's emotional regulation than the words used. Even saying "excuse me" when you're tightly wound will sound unnecessarily offensive while "get out of the way!" when in a good mood could even be ok among friends

“Emotional regulation” does not mean being in a good mood, and this level of tone policing is a bit much. Being told “get out of the way!” if you are in fact in the way, perhaps doesn’t necessitate this level of tone policing. A person is not “tightly wound” nor do the lack emotional regulation if they fail to say this cheerfully.

[Anonymous]

I am 100% certain that you have been unwittingly rude or inconsiderate at many points in your life. So with that in mind, how would you like people to treat you in those situations?

[Anonymous]

I would characterize the people in these situations to be clueless, as opposed to outright rude or inconsiderate.

I had someone come into the kitchen once when I was cooking and parked themselves right where I was working. I simply said “That’s not a good place to stand right now.” And they laughed and moved around the island. You’re working yourself into unnecessary knots, OP.

As for the climbing vines, I would inject the ground under the fence with weed killer to kill the plants. People who haven’t had to deal with invasive plants have no idea how much work they require to keep in check and how much damage they can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think people are misunderstanding my question. I am not talking about "getting in a tizzy" or "reading the riot act." I'm not talking about being angry or rude. I'm asking what degree of politeness you think these situations obligate you to have. How gently and politely do you need to be when letting someone know they are being rude or inconsiderate?

In other words, I would assume some level of tact and politeness as a civil person (I'm not going to swear at someone or call them names or shout at them, etc.) but there are degrees of politeness.

For instance, in the kitchen example, say this person has come into the kitchen, planted themselves in between two work stations that you need to be accessing to keep something from burning and also preparing an ingredient that needs to be added shortly, and then they ask you a friendly question totally unrelated to what you are doing. Normally I'd consider it impolite to ignore a question or an invitation to make conversation, but in that situation I think they are actually being rude (unintentionally, by failing to read the situation and understand it's not a good time to chat), so I might be more curt "sorry, can't talk about this now, and can I get behind you I need to pull those." It's not polite but I don't think it's rude or mean -- just direct. But some people seem to need a lot more than that and will get upset by that.

So my question was broadly, how much do you need to work at protecting the feelings of someone whose being unwittingly rude. I guess I land on the side of "not that much" but it seems like some people think you need to be very tactful in these situations. I was curious how others viewed it, but I think people have misread my question to assume I'm yelling at people or having dramatic confrontations, when I'm just being direct about the fact that they've misstepped in some way.

We understood. And you need to be polite. Not curt, but brief. The difference is usually in the tone. Perhaps you're the type of person who needs to watch their tone.

Your mistake is thinking that these people deserve reproof. They don't. They're not rude. Don't mask your obvious social ineptitude and insecurity by adding in "unwittingly". And the inevitable times YOU do something clueless to someone else, you are not rude either, and do not deserve to be addressed curtly, even if you don't mind that sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s always best to behave with maturity instead of reading someone the riot act over some imagined slight.

OP here. I'm not talking about "reading the riot act." I'm talking about being blunt versus being polite. Like saying "nope, can't talk, and I need you to move" to the person in the kitchen, instead of saying "oh I'd love to chat about this but I'm actually in the middle of something, would you mind moving to the other side of the island so I can pull those eggs before they're overcooked?"

Just be nice.