Spouse wants to reconcile but is apparently unable to go no contact

[Anonymous]

Op, I am so sorry. I dragged myself out of bed last night and got my laptop out to respond to you, but kept deleting and retyping. Came back this morning thinking of you.

I know the absolute depths of HELL dealing with infidelity. My husband of 15 years had an affair and we are about a year out now from me finding out. Over the last year, I've (unfortunately) become a regular on Surviving Infidelity and several related subreddits. I've learned so much and read thousands of people's experiences. The below is direct and may hurt to read so here's your warning-

The marriages that survive vs those that don't can almost always be identified in the first few days/weeks after the betrayed spouse finds out. It's such a stark contrast- the wayward that scrambled to find alternative secret methods to continue contact with the AP vs the wayward that tosses them aside immediately to never look back. The wayward that can snap themselves out of their selfish insanity and see the devastation they've caused vs the wayward that looks into your soul and FEELS your pain on top of their own guilt and remorse.

I was acutely aware of these things after dday when I was trying to decide if it was even worth an attempt to salvage our marriage. I luckily already had a fantastic therapist that happened to be well versed in infidelity (even though I was seeing her for something totally different at the time) and she was able to help me navigate this too. I feel extremely lucky this was my experience, and I'm deeply sorry it wasn't your's, but this is what I saw that gave me hope:
-DH immediately cut all contact with AP, sent her a very firm no contact message, and for the entire year since, his phone/tablet have lived unlocked on our kitchen counter.
-He told me from day 1 that my healing was paramount and I could and should tell any friends or family I felt should know for my own support and that he would deal with whatever fall out came from that. I wanted his immediate family to know for various reasons and we sat them down and told them together a couple weeks later. He had to face his worst demons to a room full of everyone he loves most in the world and he did it for me and the accountability.
-I rarely use Dh's bathroom and I went in there about a week after dday and the mirror was off the wall. He said it makes him disgusted to see himself. He didn't put it back up for about 9 months until he felt like he finally understood and was actively correcting his internal flaws that got him here.
-He took on the logistical pain of finding both a marriage therapist and himself an individual therapist. He also made an appt with his PCP and got on antidepressants.
-I didn't have the bandwidth to tell my best friend at first and he scheduled a FaceTime with her, told her what had happened and that I needed her, and then arranged for me to go spend a weekend with her.
-He had a prebooked trip to Vegas and he cancelled it telling his friends "I've been shitty to *me* this year and am really working on myself. Vegas isn't conducive to that right now". I was shocked he could have made up any BS excuse.
-He hasn't drank in a year. He never really had drinking issues but alcohol is a depressant and he's stayed far away from anything that will make him not clear headed.
-He gave me the room to break whenever I need it. If I'm having a hard day, no questions asked he jumps in and handles everything- kids, house, pets, meals, rides, he'll take off work if he has to (even now still a year out).
-He answered every question of mine over and over and over and over (and still does).
-He provided me a written timeline of the affair to give me the entire picture of what exactly I was trying to work through.

My therapist says that it's the spouses who "Don't try to pick you up off the ground, but get down on the ground with you and experience the depths of what they broke then work to build a foundation you can get up on together that have a chance".

[Anonymous]

^ Sounds like a model wayward spouse who is committed to figuring himself out and addressing character flaws. OP, your spouse can get there but only if no contact with his AP is firmly established. You should be doing the 180 right now to protect yourself and give yourself emotional space. Go to survivinginfidelity.com and read there.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry. My situation was a little different (my ex left me for his AP and married her - we were together 20 yrs), but I know the pain, the fear, the hurt, and the anger that you must be feeling. It can be excruciating, and some days you feel like you don't know how you'll ever be able to go on. It's been two years for me, and I'm still working through things, but I have found a strength within me that I never knew existed. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you, too will find that within yourself. I've found a new norm and a new life outside of my ex. Trust me, I did not want that at all in the beginning; I just wanted my family together and intact. But the cost was too high, and that was not in the cards for us anyway. Now I feel happy, and I feel at peace (most days, I'm still a work in progress).

Best of luck to you; I hope you find peace. It's worth everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am so sorry. I dragged myself out of bed last night and got my laptop out to respond to you, but kept deleting and retyping. Came back this morning thinking of you.

I know the absolute depths of HELL dealing with infidelity. My husband of 15 years had an affair and we are about a year out now from me finding out. Over the last year, I've (unfortunately) become a regular on Surviving Infidelity and several related subreddits. I've learned so much and read thousands of people's experiences. The below is direct and may hurt to read so here's your warning-

The marriages that survive vs those that don't can almost always be identified in the first few days/weeks after the betrayed spouse finds out. It's such a stark contrast- the wayward that scrambled to find alternative secret methods to continue contact with the AP vs the wayward that tosses them aside immediately to never look back. The wayward that can snap themselves out of their selfish insanity and see the devastation they've caused vs the wayward that looks into your soul and FEELS your pain on top of their own guilt and remorse.

I was acutely aware of these things after dday when I was trying to decide if it was even worth an attempt to salvage our marriage. I luckily already had a fantastic therapist that happened to be well versed in infidelity (even though I was seeing her for something totally different at the time) and she was able to help me navigate this too. I feel extremely lucky this was my experience, and I'm deeply sorry it wasn't your's, but this is what I saw that gave me hope:
-DH immediately cut all contact with AP, sent her a very firm no contact message, and for the entire year since, his phone/tablet have lived unlocked on our kitchen counter.
-He told me from day 1 that my healing was paramount and I could and should tell any friends or family I felt should know for my own support and that he would deal with whatever fall out came from that. I wanted his immediate family to know for various reasons and we sat them down and told them together a couple weeks later. He had to face his worst demons to a room full of everyone he loves most in the world and he did it for me and the accountability.
-I rarely use Dh's bathroom and I went in there about a week after dday and the mirror was off the wall. He said it makes him disgusted to see himself. He didn't put it back up for about 9 months until he felt like he finally understood and was actively correcting his internal flaws that got him here.
-He took on the logistical pain of finding both a marriage therapist and himself an individual therapist. He also made an appt with his PCP and got on antidepressants.
-I didn't have the bandwidth to tell my best friend at first and he scheduled a FaceTime with her, told her what had happened and that I needed her, and then arranged for me to go spend a weekend with her.
-He had a prebooked trip to Vegas and he cancelled it telling his friends "I've been shitty to *me* this year and am really working on myself. Vegas isn't conducive to that right now". I was shocked he could have made up any BS excuse.
-He hasn't drank in a year. He never really had drinking issues but alcohol is a depressant and he's stayed far away from anything that will make him not clear headed.
-He gave me the room to break whenever I need it. If I'm having a hard day, no questions asked he jumps in and handles everything- kids, house, pets, meals, rides, he'll take off work if he has to (even now still a year out).
-He answered every question of mine over and over and over and over (and still does).
-He provided me a written timeline of the affair to give me the entire picture of what exactly I was trying to work through.

My therapist says that it's the spouses who "Don't try to pick you up off the ground, but get down on the ground with you and experience the depths of what they broke then work to build a foundation you can get up on together that have a chance".

I had a very similar situation. My spouse actually had already broken up with her and cut all contact when I found out. He did everything “right” as described above and continued/continues to do so. He also was severely disgusted with himself. He also advocated me telling anyone I needed to tell. He faced the music. I didn’t tell my family and only a very close friend. His mother dies know. It was brutal, those first few months/first year. We were 20 years married. Transparency is key. No contact by his choice is paramount. Getting help to deal with the “why” and his issues on his own accord is also vital.

We are a little over 3 years out and have a very happy marriage/family. The transparency and the communication and the intimacy has continued. He changed. I’m also not afraid to voice any concerns or stuff them down like I would have pre-affair. This isn’t to say I don’t still occasionally think about it or get a trigger, but it’s so much less with time. But, I do feel our marriage is much stronger now and much more intimate.

I’m so very sorry you are going through this horror. But, you owe it to yourself not to put up with that crap and him to continue to violate boundaries. I wish you all the comfort in the world as you figure this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am so sorry. I dragged myself out of bed last night and got my laptop out to respond to you, but kept deleting and retyping. Came back this morning thinking of you.

I know the absolute depths of HELL dealing with infidelity. My husband of 15 years had an affair and we are about a year out now from me finding out. Over the last year, I've (unfortunately) become a regular on Surviving Infidelity and several related subreddits. I've learned so much and read thousands of people's experiences. The below is direct and may hurt to read so here's your warning-

The marriages that survive vs those that don't can almost always be identified in the first few days/weeks after the betrayed spouse finds out. It's such a stark contrast- the wayward that scrambled to find alternative secret methods to continue contact with the AP vs the wayward that tosses them aside immediately to never look back. The wayward that can snap themselves out of their selfish insanity and see the devastation they've caused vs the wayward that looks into your soul and FEELS your pain on top of their own guilt and remorse.

I was acutely aware of these things after dday when I was trying to decide if it was even worth an attempt to salvage our marriage. I luckily already had a fantastic therapist that happened to be well versed in infidelity (even though I was seeing her for something totally different at the time) and she was able to help me navigate this too. I feel extremely lucky this was my experience, and I'm deeply sorry it wasn't your's, but this is what I saw that gave me hope:
-DH immediately cut all contact with AP, sent her a very firm no contact message, and for the entire year since, his phone/tablet have lived unlocked on our kitchen counter.
-He told me from day 1 that my healing was paramount and I could and should tell any friends or family I felt should know for my own support and that he would deal with whatever fall out came from that. I wanted his immediate family to know for various reasons and we sat them down and told them together a couple weeks later. He had to face his worst demons to a room full of everyone he loves most in the world and he did it for me and the accountability.
-I rarely use Dh's bathroom and I went in there about a week after dday and the mirror was off the wall. He said it makes him disgusted to see himself. He didn't put it back up for about 9 months until he felt like he finally understood and was actively correcting his internal flaws that got him here.
-He took on the logistical pain of finding both a marriage therapist and himself an individual therapist. He also made an appt with his PCP and got on antidepressants.
-I didn't have the bandwidth to tell my best friend at first and he scheduled a FaceTime with her, told her what had happened and that I needed her, and then arranged for me to go spend a weekend with her.
-He had a prebooked trip to Vegas and he cancelled it telling his friends "I've been shitty to *me* this year and am really working on myself. Vegas isn't conducive to that right now". I was shocked he could have made up any BS excuse.
-He hasn't drank in a year. He never really had drinking issues but alcohol is a depressant and he's stayed far away from anything that will make him not clear headed.
-He gave me the room to break whenever I need it. If I'm having a hard day, no questions asked he jumps in and handles everything- kids, house, pets, meals, rides, he'll take off work if he has to (even now still a year out).
-He answered every question of mine over and over and over and over (and still does).
-He provided me a written timeline of the affair to give me the entire picture of what exactly I was trying to work through.

My therapist says that it's the spouses who "Don't try to pick you up off the ground, but get down on the ground with you and experience the depths of what they broke then work to build a foundation you can get up on together that have a chance".

I had a very similar situation. My spouse actually had already broken up with her and cut all contact when I found out. He did everything “right” as described above and continued/continues to do so. He also was severely disgusted with himself. He also advocated me telling anyone I needed to tell. He faced the music. I didn’t tell my family and only a very close friend. His mother dies know. It was brutal, those first few months/first year. We were 20 years married. Transparency is key. No contact by his choice is paramount. Getting help to deal with the “why” and his issues on his own accord is also vital.

We are a little over 3 years out and have a very happy marriage/family. The transparency and the communication and the intimacy has continued. He changed. I’m also not afraid to voice any concerns or stuff them down like I would have pre-affair. This isn’t to say I don’t still occasionally think about it or get a trigger, but it’s so much less with time. But, I do feel our marriage is much stronger now and much more intimate.

I’m so very sorry you are going through this horror. But, you owe it to yourself not to put up with that crap and him to continue to violate boundaries. I wish you all the comfort in the world as you figure this out.

Pp you quoted and this is our experience so far as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's it. I think I just need you all to tell me what I need to hear so I can file, once and for all. I wanted this so badly, for my whole family. I believed in it. I fought for it. And I am tired: physically, emotionally, mentally.

Tough talk: Have some self respect! Don’t put up w/ this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

As someone who is going through the same thing, I can tell you that what my STBXH WASN'T saying or doing spoke louder than what he was saying and doing. Just some food for thought for you.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe OW puts up with this flip flopping.

[Anonymous]

If your spouse is not willing or able to go no contact with AP it's time to leave.

[Anonymous]

DTMF! These aren't the actions of someone who wants to re-commit to a marriage! WTF!

You deserve better. If your spouse doesnsee that, he doesn't deserve you. Kick him to the curb and create the life you should have. It may not include a life partner but you don't need crumbs. You can do it!

[Anonymous]

Sad to say he is definitely not serious about making it work with you. He should be begging you to stay and apologizing nonstop as he throws himself into therapy and finding all the ways he can comfort, support, and nurture you as you deal with the pain he has caused you. It sounds like he is doing 0% of that. Trust his actions and lack thereof.

[Anonymous]

It took a few days/weeks for my husband to pull his head out of his a$$. By week 3 he was there.

In order to have an affair he had to vilify me and attach himself to the affair partner. I understand intellectually that that's not something you can turn off in an instant. If the commitment/active choice is there, you may have a shot. It's not that an alcoholic stops craving alcohol . . . it's that they realize it will destroy them and remove their access to it.

I share this because you've had a lot of stories here which, yes, are helpful in their own way, but not everyone has a "model WS" as soon as DDay happens. And if you think about the psychology of an affair, that makes sense. Unfortunately, sometimes what looks like a model WS turns out to have been an act . . . because a person who was genuinely deluding themselves and investing in an affair can't turn it off like a faucet. What you want to see is a commitment to change and sustained improvement.

But OP, it doesn't sound like your husband is attempting to change at all. NC is a hard line. My husband moped about giving up the OW too. He "couldn't figure out" how to unfriend her on FB. He whined to ME about losing someone he had grown close to. But I remained unmoved and unimpressed. Once he wasn't getting his daily dopamine hits from contact with her, his feelings fizzled pretty quickly. At 2.5 weeks he actually said to me, "I can't believe I don't miss her! It's like we're on our second honeymoon!" Gee, who could have predicted that your great love affair was mostly smoke and mirrors?

So to sum up . . . I think it's OK to give yourself a very small amount of time to see if your husband can go through withdrawal and gain some clarity on the other side. Going from a self-absorbed person to a selfless, genuinely empathetic person takes a lot of time and therapy. So at this stage, you are looking at his actions.

[Anonymous]

^ I could see that. By the time my husband told me he already had done several months of therapy and had broken it off. So he was already “there”. What was more confusing for him was that since he was clearly over it and processed it and known about it, talked it to death—for me it was shocking, upsetting and new news. I think the fallout was so much bigger and worse than he could have ever imagined. It was very much “if she doesn’t know I’m not hurting her” prior, which obviously was a huge miscalculation. He needed a new therapist and lots of work when the shame and reality hit and everything came to light. In theory, things are much different when it’s revealed which comes as a huge shock to the players in the affair in their secret world of no accountability/we aren’t hurting anyone.0

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me when I say if your cheater is still talking to their AP they still want to F that AP, and probably are.

I know as a cheater, not a cheated upon.

This. It took me a long time to learn and understand that men talk to you bc they want to f you.

What? The only time men talk to women is because they want to f them? News to me.

Live and learn.

This is an incredibly immature perspective to have. I am a man and I certainly hope every woman I speak to doesn’t think I want to F her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took a few days/weeks for my husband to pull his head out of his a$$. By week 3 he was there.

In order to have an affair he had to vilify me and attach himself to the affair partner. I understand intellectually that that's not something you can turn off in an instant. If the commitment/active choice is there, you may have a shot. It's not that an alcoholic stops craving alcohol . . . it's that they realize it will destroy them and remove their access to it.

I share this because you've had a lot of stories here which, yes, are helpful in their own way, but not everyone has a "model WS" as soon as DDay happens. And if you think about the psychology of an affair, that makes sense. Unfortunately, sometimes what looks like a model WS turns out to have been an act . . . because a person who was genuinely deluding themselves and investing in an affair can't turn it off like a faucet. What you want to see is a commitment to change and sustained improvement.

But OP, it doesn't sound like your husband is attempting to change at all. NC is a hard line. My husband moped about giving up the OW too. He "couldn't figure out" how to unfriend her on FB. He whined to ME about losing someone he had grown close to. But I remained unmoved and unimpressed. Once he wasn't getting his daily dopamine hits from contact with her, his feelings fizzled pretty quickly. At 2.5 weeks he actually said to me, "I can't believe I don't miss her! It's like we're on our second honeymoon!" Gee, who could have predicted that your great love affair was mostly smoke and mirrors?

So to sum up . . . I think it's OK to give yourself a very small amount of time to see if your husband can go through withdrawal and gain some clarity on the other side. Going from a self-absorbed person to a selfless, genuinely empathetic person takes a lot of time and therapy. So at this stage, you are looking at his actions.

I'm not someone who thinks every affair should end in divorce, but how on earth could you stay with him after this?