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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op, I am so sorry. I dragged myself out of bed last night and got my laptop out to respond to you, but kept deleting and retyping. Came back this morning thinking of you.

I know the absolute depths of HELL dealing with infidelity. My husband of 15 years had an affair and we are about a year out now from me finding out. Over the last year, I've (unfortunately) become a regular on Surviving Infidelity and several related subreddits. I've learned so much and read thousands of people's experiences. The below is direct and may hurt to read so here's your warning-

The marriages that survive vs those that don't can almost always be identified in the first few days/weeks after the betrayed spouse finds out. It's such a stark contrast- the wayward that scrambled to find alternative secret methods to continue contact with the AP vs the wayward that tosses them aside immediately to never look back. The wayward that can snap themselves out of their selfish insanity and see the devastation they've caused vs the wayward that looks into your soul and FEELS your pain on top of their own guilt and remorse.

I was acutely aware of these things after dday when I was trying to decide if it was even worth an attempt to salvage our marriage. I luckily already had a fantastic therapist that happened to be well versed in infidelity (even though I was seeing her for something totally different at the time) and she was able to help me navigate this too. I feel extremely lucky this was my experience, and I'm deeply sorry it wasn't your's, but this is what I saw that gave me hope:
-DH immediately cut all contact with AP, sent her a very firm no contact message, and for the entire year since, his phone/tablet have lived unlocked on our kitchen counter.
-He told me from day 1 that my healing was paramount and I could and should tell any friends or family I felt should know for my own support and that he would deal with whatever fall out came from that. I wanted his immediate family to know for various reasons and we sat them down and told them together a couple weeks later. He had to face his worst demons to a room full of everyone he loves most in the world and he did it for me and the accountability.
-I rarely use Dh's bathroom and I went in there about a week after dday and the mirror was off the wall. He said it makes him disgusted to see himself. He didn't put it back up for about 9 months until he felt like he finally understood and was actively correcting his internal flaws that got him here.
-He took on the logistical pain of finding both a marriage therapist and himself an individual therapist. He also made an appt with his PCP and got on antidepressants.
-I didn't have the bandwidth to tell my best friend at first and he scheduled a FaceTime with her, told her what had happened and that I needed her, and then arranged for me to go spend a weekend with her.
-He had a prebooked trip to Vegas and he cancelled it telling his friends "I've been shitty to *me* this year and am really working on myself. Vegas isn't conducive to that right now". I was shocked he could have made up any BS excuse.
-He hasn't drank in a year. He never really had drinking issues but alcohol is a depressant and he's stayed far away from anything that will make him not clear headed.
-He gave me the room to break whenever I need it. If I'm having a hard day, no questions asked he jumps in and handles everything- kids, house, pets, meals, rides, he'll take off work if he has to (even now still a year out). 
-He answered every question of mine over and over and over and over (and still does).
-He provided me a written timeline of the affair to give me the entire picture of what exactly I was trying to work through.

My therapist says that it's the spouses who "Don't try to pick you up off the ground, but get down on the ground with you and experience the depths of what they broke then work to build a foundation you can get up on together that have a chance". [/quote]

I had a very similar situation. My spouse actually had already broken up with her and cut all contact when I found out.  He did everything “right” as described above and continued/continues to do so.  He also was severely disgusted with himself.  He also advocated me telling anyone I needed to tell.  He faced the music.  I didn’t tell my family and only a very close friend.  His mother dies know.  It was brutal, those first few months/first year.  We were 20 years married. Transparency is key.  No contact by his choice is paramount.  Getting help to deal with the “why” and his issues on his own accord is also vital.

We are a little over 3 years out and have a very happy marriage/family.  [b]The transparency and the communication and the intimacy has continued. He changed. I’m also not afraid to voice any concerns or stuff them down like I would have pre-affair.  This isn’t to say I don’t still occasionally think about it or get a trigger, but it’s so much less with time.  But, I do feel our marriage is much stronger now and much more intimate.[/b]

I’m so very sorry you are going through this horror.  But, you owe it to yourself not to put up with that crap and him to continue to violate boundaries.  I wish you all the comfort in the world as you figure this out. [/quote]

Pp you quoted and this is our experience so far as well.[/quote]

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