Reply to Spouse wants to reconcile but is apparently unable to go no contact

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It took a few days/weeks for my husband to pull his head out of his a$$. By week 3 he was there.

In order to have an affair he had to vilify me and attach himself to the affair partner. I understand intellectually that that's not something you can turn off in an instant. If the commitment/active choice is there, you may have a shot. It's not that an alcoholic stops craving alcohol . . . it's that they realize it will destroy them and remove their access to it.

I share this because you've had a lot of stories here which, yes, are helpful in their own way, but not everyone has a "model WS" as soon as DDay happens. And if you think about the psychology of an affair, that makes sense. Unfortunately, sometimes what looks like a model WS turns out to have been an act . . . because a person who was genuinely deluding themselves and investing in an affair can't turn it off like a faucet. What you want to see is a commitment to change and sustained improvement.

But OP, it doesn't sound like your husband is attempting to change at all. NC is a hard line. My husband moped about giving up the OW too. He "couldn't figure out" how to unfriend her on FB. He whined to ME about losing someone he had grown close to. But I remained unmoved and unimpressed. Once he wasn't getting his daily dopamine hits from contact with her, his feelings fizzled pretty quickly. At 2.5 weeks he actually said to me, "I can't believe I don't miss her! It's like we're on our second honeymoon!" Gee, who could have predicted that your great love affair was mostly smoke and mirrors?  :roll:

So to sum up . . . I think it's OK to give yourself a very small amount of time to see if your husband can go through withdrawal and gain some clarity on the other side. Going from a self-absorbed person to a selfless, genuinely empathetic person takes a lot of time and therapy. So at this stage, you are looking at his actions. [/quote]

I'm not someone who thinks every affair should end in divorce, but how on earth could you stay with him after this?  [/quote]

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