Spouse wants to reconcile but is apparently unable to go no contact

[Anonymous]

OP here. As another PP pointed out, most of the details don't really matter and in the interest in maintaining anonymity, I'm not providing more details. 10:41, thank you for your reply because this is exactly what I need to continue reminding myself of. I definitely don't hear someone who is desperate for anything. Remorseful, sure. Committed to change? I'm not seeing it. Empathetic (towards me), nope.

To 14:35, no I absolutely do not want that. It has taken so much out of me that there's barely anything left. I feel like a shell.

They do not work together.

[Anonymous]

OP, in reconciliation the primary job of your wayward husband is to make you feel safe. The secondary job is to work through the whys of his choices. Obviously he is not making you feel safe. And you say he's not committed to change. So I'm not sure if there is any hope here for him. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust me when I say if your cheater is still talking to their AP they still want to F that AP, and probably are.

I know as a cheater, not a cheated upon.

This. It took me a long time to learn and understand that men talk to you bc they want to f you.

[Anonymous]

OP, 10:41 here again. I am really sorry you are in this position and I know exactly what it feels like, unfortunately. It is very recent for me and I feel like I could have written your post word for word.

There is a big difference between regret and remorse. What your husband may be feeling and showing is regret: regret for being caught, regret for being judged by people who know what happened, regret that he has to potentially say goodbye to his affair partner, regret it won't be as easy to have sex with somebody other than you. Regret tends to be selfish. Remorse shows up differently. Its emotion and empathy, its pleading for a second chance and committing to change. It's immediately stopping contact with the affair partner and having full transparency with you (access to emails, phones, etc.). It is asking you how you feel, what you need to know, what you want to talk about, and not getting frustrated or angry or hurt when you ask tough questions and expect honest answers. Remorse is putting the betrayed before the betrayer.

Some cheaters are capable of changing, self improvement, and committing to making you feel safe and loved and that they will never repeat the terrible decisions they have made. And I'd say a very small percentage of couples can make it to reconciliation that is at an acceptable level. Some will claim their marriage is "better than ever" after cheating. I never really buy this nor do I think they truly do themselves. Many will be able to build a new marriage that is acceptable but often clouded in doubt and worry that seeps into every aspect of their lives. They could be happy or not, probably a mix of the two. Others will try to build a new marriage and realize it is never going to work out, either because they can't get past it or in a lot of cases because cheaters tend to be repeat offenders.

The bottom line is if your husband is serious about repairing what he has done to you and your marriage, he would go NC immediately without a second thought, show endless empathy, and prove he is working to become a safe partner again. If you are not seeing or feeling any of those efforts, then you likely know in your gut that he is showing regret (which is selfish) and not remorse (with puts you before him). He has lit your life and marriage on fire. By staying in touch with his affair partner and ignoring your needs regardless of what he may be spewing out of his dumb mouth to pacify you, he is fanning the flames rather than trying to extinguish them.

These are hard positions to be put in and I can totally relate. Wishing you peace whatever your ultimate decision may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, 10:41 here again. I am really sorry you are in this position and I know exactly what it feels like, unfortunately. It is very recent for me and I feel like I could have written your post word for word.

There is a big difference between regret and remorse. What your husband may be feeling and showing is regret: regret for being caught, regret for being judged by people who know what happened, regret that he has to potentially say goodbye to his affair partner, regret it won't be as easy to have sex with somebody other than you. Regret tends to be selfish. Remorse shows up differently. Its emotion and empathy, its pleading for a second chance and committing to change. It's immediately stopping contact with the affair partner and having full transparency with you (access to emails, phones, etc.). It is asking you how you feel, what you need to know, what you want to talk about, and not getting frustrated or angry or hurt when you ask tough questions and expect honest answers. Remorse is putting the betrayed before the betrayer.

Some cheaters are capable of changing, self improvement, and committing to making you feel safe and loved and that they will never repeat the terrible decisions they have made. And I'd say a very small percentage of couples can make it to reconciliation that is at an acceptable level. Some will claim their marriage is "better than ever" after cheating. I never really buy this nor do I think they truly do themselves. Many will be able to build a new marriage that is acceptable but often clouded in doubt and worry that seeps into every aspect of their lives. They could be happy or not, probably a mix of the two. Others will try to build a new marriage and realize it is never going to work out, either because they can't get past it or in a lot of cases because cheaters tend to be repeat offenders.

The bottom line is if your husband is serious about repairing what he has done to you and your marriage, he would go NC immediately without a second thought, show endless empathy, and prove he is working to become a safe partner again. If you are not seeing or feeling any of those efforts, then you likely know in your gut that he is showing regret (which is selfish) and not remorse (with puts you before him). He has lit your life and marriage on fire. By staying in touch with his affair partner and ignoring your needs regardless of what he may be spewing out of his dumb mouth to pacify you, he is fanning the flames rather than trying to extinguish them.

These are hard positions to be put in and I can totally relate. Wishing you peace whatever your ultimate decision may be.

OP here again. Your comment made me cry because not only am I not seeing any of these things, I am not sure I will. Not in the near future, anyway.

[Anonymous]

I completely understand. It is a horrible, horrible thing to endure.

[Anonymous]

Lots of people ASSUMING the OP is a Woman and the cheater is a Man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me when I say if your cheater is still talking to their AP they still want to F that AP, and probably are.

I know as a cheater, not a cheated upon.

This. It took me a long time to learn and understand that men talk to you bc they want to f you.

What? The only time men talk to women is because they want to f them? News to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me when I say if your cheater is still talking to their AP they still want to F that AP, and probably are.

I know as a cheater, not a cheated upon.

This. It took me a long time to learn and understand that men talk to you bc they want to f you.

What? The only time men talk to women is because they want to f them? News to me.

Live and learn.

[Anonymous]

OP you deserve better than someone who can’t even commit to putting in a good show for reconciliation. There doesn’t seem to be any upside to staying. I’m so sorry that you’re in this crappy position. I’m sure moving on would be difficult, but I’d imagine that after you’re done grieving and adjusting, you’ll start to feel a lot better about everything. I suspect you’ll find that tiptoeing around a selfish jerk for all this time has been weighing you down and you’ll feel lighter once you shake off the dead weight.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't know you, but I know you are deserving of so much more than this. The very least your husband can do after cheating on you is throw everything he has into fixing it. If he's wishy-washy, making excuses, blaming you for being the Mean Mommy who won't let him keep his toy . . . then he isn't showing that he has the potential to maybe someday become a husband you deserve. It sounds like his head is firmly in his a$$. And frankly, that's adding insult to injury. He cheated; that can't be changed. But he could be treating you like a prize to fight for. The fact that he isn't while the stakes are so high just proves that he doesn't have what it takes.

[Anonymous]

This is such bullshit. Get rid of this bullshit so you can live a normal quiet happy life.
You don’t want this stupidity and drama of cheating and lying etc.
This is no way to live.
You know it.
Get rid of this shit. Bye.
Sit by the pool and have a drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such bullshit. Get rid of this bullshit so you can live a normal quiet happy life.
You don’t want this stupidity and drama of cheating and lying etc.
This is no way to live.
You know it.
Get rid of this shit. Bye.
Sit by the pool and have a drink.

+1. My cheating ex followed the path described by the “regret not remorse” PP above. He made a good game of showing how devastating being caught was and begging me to stay in the relationship, and I allowed that to go on for 2.5 years, hoping that it would turn to real remorse. But, when I listened closely and kept track across time, it was clear that his remorse was only for the impact on himself.

I never wanted to have a third (adult) child. I didn’t want to be the policeman in the marriage. I thought about what I would tell my own daughter or son if they were in my situation. I never would have wanted them to have a life with someone who valued and respected them so little. I took my own advice and ended the relationship.

Even continuing to be tied to him in parenting was tough because the same character flaws that made him cheat continued to affect his parenting and his willingness to be financially responsible w/ respect to his kids.

Because of that, each step I have taken away from him, brings more peace to my life. (And to our kids as well, if whom I have full custody.)

OP, being single is never what we want or imagined when getting married, but is a far more peaceful and happy life for me and the kids to be away from him as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

You know what you have to do, and it must be devastating. I'm so, so sorry. Take good care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone. Keep 'em coming.

You got this. Once you move on, you will have more space for peace and also—if you want—a better partner.

Sending you hugs!