Spouse wants to reconcile but is apparently unable to go no contact

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dealbreaker. Spouse broke it off, got rid of all means to be contacted/contact, went to therapy and then confessed. If she’s ever to make contact - no response to her and tells me immediately.

If any contact or lying or covering up contact- buh-bye. OP- there is no way I could even consider reconciling if he were in contact.

I’m so sorry. I know how completely brutal and traumatizing this is.

Oh- and if she manages to- I take the evidence of everything to her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dealbreaker. Spouse broke it off, got rid of all means to be contacted/contact, went to therapy and then confessed. If she’s ever to make contact - no response to her and tells me immediately.

If any contact or lying or covering up contact- buh-bye. OP- there is no way I could even consider reconciling if he were in contact.

I’m so sorry. I know how completely brutal and traumatizing this is.

Oh- and if she manages to- I take the evidence of everything to her husband.

Is this what your therapist recommended? Geez.

[Anonymous]

So sorry you are experiencing this. It’s not going to change. He has a fundamental character flaw, and it is going to continue to come out in many other ways. Save yourself and create a safe and reliable home for your kids and be the supportive loving mom you can be far better as a single parent than tangled up with a loser drama-king husband. Yes, you will likely have to split custody, but better 50% of the time in a sane household than 100% of the time with someone who is sucking all the oxygen up.

Life gets better without him.

[Anonymous]

Even if he goes no contact she will still take up head space. I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure he wants to have his cake and eat it too. We all do. But it’s a sign he’s not really sorry except that he got caught.

+1 he's irredeemable. So sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

You need to share more please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to share more please

No, she really doesn't. We don't need details to know the fundamental fact that he cheated, claims he wants to stay married but continues to have contact with his affair partner. Knowing details won't alter any of those things or change the answer: Unless he goes no contact, forever, he does not truly mean it when he says he wants to salvage the marriage. He has to put in the work to salvage things, and THE key part of the work is completely going no contact.

If by "details" you mean something like, "But what if they're work colleagues and he has to at least interact with her someat work" or whatever-- OP surely would have said so if that were the case. And even if it is the case, well, cheating DH needs to find a new job or ask for a move within his current organization. If he put himself into a position of having to torch his career or having to stay in contact with an AP, well, that's on him. But again: We don't really need details.

[Anonymous]

If a cheater is intent on reconciling he or she will look, sound, and feel like somebody who is desperate to repent, reform, and do everything within their ability to prove to you that they are are remorseful and committed to change. They will devote the rest of their life to making you feel safe again.

Your husband isn't doing that. By staying in touch with his girlfriend he is continuing to give you and your marriage short shrift. He is telling and inarguably showing you that your sense of security, trust, and work at healing is less important than his own wants and needs, and the emotional needs of his affair partner.

Take this at face value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a cheater is intent on reconciling he or she will look, sound, and feel like somebody who is desperate to repent, reform, and do everything within their ability to prove to you that they are are remorseful and committed to change. They will devote the rest of their life to making you feel safe again.

Your husband isn't doing that. By staying in touch with his girlfriend he is continuing to give you and your marriage short shrift. He is telling and inarguably showing you that your sense of security, trust, and work at healing is less important than his own wants and needs, and the emotional needs of his affair partner.

Take this at face value.

Well said. I'm so sorry, OP, but yes cut him loose and move on as swiftly as possible. It will take time, but your life will be better on the other side.

[Anonymous]

Not OP but what if the scenario is that they work together? I think it's helpful to know DH response - does he mean he wants to be friends still with AP? That would be a no go (for me). Does OP mean that she wants DH to quit his job because AP works there? That might be more complicated if he's in management or the breadwinner.

More context leads to better advice.

[Anonymous]

I was the AP in this situation. After they went though a major health crisis during which I completely removed myself he reached out again. My jaw was on the ground. It’s not over until she says it is. But he will also never leave until you do.

[Anonymous]

How was the infidelity discovered? Did DH confess or did you find out on your own?

[Anonymous]

I am the other women and I’m the ex.

[Anonymous]

If you reconcile you are signing up for a life time of policing. Is that what you want? He’s already shown his true colors.

[Anonymous]

Trust me when I say if your cheater is still talking to their AP they still want to F that AP, and probably are.

I know as a cheater, not a cheated upon.