Terrified and depressed due to downward mobility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP is trolling or not, but I do actually feel this way. We make less money, though -- 150k (DH 100k, me 50k). I used to make more but the reality of trying to parent kids while you both work was overwhelming. We already had no margin for error because even with an income around 200k, childcare was tight. And then Covid hit. So now I work part time and we pay less for childcare, but have a little more flexibility in our schedule. But yes, money is very tight. We've pretty much given up on the idea that we'll ever own a SFH (we live in a condo now) or feel comfortable financially.

I have a graduate degree and DH is in a STEM field with an Ivy League degree. I grew up UMC and he grew up working class, and while we've far surpassed his economic status as a kid, it's definitely been a step down for me. We've both struggle with our mental health and while there is a version of us that makes WAY more money without working that much harder, I think we just lack the confidence and social skills to make it happen? I feel overwhelmed a lot. I don't know, but I do feel downwardly mobile and can relate to the anxiety OP is galling about.

It’s wild to me how much we now require people to “hustle” to have middle class lives in major metros. My grandfather was a teacher. Supported Grandma and sent 3 kids to college.

Owned a modest ranch home in a major metro, worked part time in the summers, good healthcare, nice pension, traveled in his retirement, had enough to pay for very nice assisted living accommodations in his 80s.

Never owned fancy things (or cared) but good quality of life.

Now, his life is elite.

Cost of living has greatly exceeded pay, for the current generation. Everything - college, homes, everything was relatively cheaper. I don't think Boomers have any idea how good they had it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP is trolling or not, but I do actually feel this way. We make less money, though -- 150k (DH 100k, me 50k). I used to make more but the reality of trying to parent kids while you both work was overwhelming. We already had no margin for error because even with an income around 200k, childcare was tight. And then Covid hit. So now I work part time and we pay less for childcare, but have a little more flexibility in our schedule. But yes, money is very tight. We've pretty much given up on the idea that we'll ever own a SFH (we live in a condo now) or feel comfortable financially.

I have a graduate degree and DH is in a STEM field with an Ivy League degree. I grew up UMC and he grew up working class, and while we've far surpassed his economic status as a kid, it's definitely been a step down for me. We've both struggle with our mental health and while there is a version of us that makes WAY more money without working that much harder, I think we just lack the confidence and social skills to make it happen? I feel overwhelmed a lot. I don't know, but I do feel downwardly mobile and can relate to the anxiety OP is galling about.

Op here. This is how I feel too. On one hand there is shame in not being able to replicate my parents success even though I was given all the opportunities and resources. Then there’s the depressing realization that we will ever be able to buy a SFH in a good neighborhood around here and I’ll never have the quality of life I grew up with or give my kids the same experiences.

What??????? You can’t afford a SFH in a good neighborhood? Nonsense. Maybe you have to live farther out, but there are affordable houses in good neighborhoods in the DC area. Also your salary is going to increase over the years. You will most likely make more money with more work experience. And btw, money doesn’t buy happiness. Ask any very wealthy person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel the exact same way. I grew up UMC spending summers at the club playing tennis and swimming. We vacationed every year to Hawaii or Florida. Parents paid for college, mother didn't work, etc. Spouse grew up poor so in his view the fact that we make 225 K combined is fantastic. Inflation is steadily eating away at what life is costing us. We can't afford to pay for private college for our kids.

I feel like it is nothing with inflation. One thing that we didn't get help on is buying a house or any help with childcare in the infant to preschool years. It was so expensive those years with two kids that we didn't buy a house until the youngest entered kindergarten. This I feel is the main issue that has set up behind and not just us our kids as well. Friends I know that had family help to buy their first houses kept those houses and are renting them out while they moved into bigger houses. By the time they are 65 they will own two houses free and clear which sets them up to help their own children buy houses.

I was thinking of retiring at 60 but now I am thinking of toughing it out in a job I don't really like so that for three to five years (so retiring at 63 to 65) I can put money away for my kids to provide the down payment to purchase property.

I hear you! I’d like to retire at 60 but will slog it out a few more years so my kids (currently in college) can have a better start. It may be harder for you since you remember a good life when you were young and it feels like a sacrifice to have to struggle. I didn’t have summers at a club (in fact started working at 14) and never saw Hawaii or Florida and was solely responsible for tuition, so working to give my kids a better life is important to me. Isn’t it worth it for you too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because I grew up UMC, it is really sad and depressing for me to be middle class/lower middle class financially as a mid thirties woman. I make 110k and my husband makes 100k or so. I feel myself sliding into the dreaded MC life and it terrifies me. I always assumed I’d be upwardly mobile.

Get off your ass and go make more money then. This is a YOU problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP is trolling or not, but I do actually feel this way. We make less money, though -- 150k (DH 100k, me 50k). I used to make more but the reality of trying to parent kids while you both work was overwhelming. We already had no margin for error because even with an income around 200k, childcare was tight. And then Covid hit. So now I work part time and we pay less for childcare, but have a little more flexibility in our schedule. But yes, money is very tight. We've pretty much given up on the idea that we'll ever own a SFH (we live in a condo now) or feel comfortable financially.

I have a graduate degree and DH is in a STEM field with an Ivy League degree. I grew up UMC and he grew up working class, and while we've far surpassed his economic status as a kid, it's definitely been a step down for me. We've both struggle with our mental health and while there is a version of us that makes WAY more money without working that much harder, I think we just lack the confidence and social skills to make it happen? I feel overwhelmed a lot. I don't know, but I do feel downwardly mobile and can relate to the anxiety OP is galling about.

This. The social skills and confidence are issues for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP is trolling or not, but I do actually feel this way. We make less money, though -- 150k (DH 100k, me 50k). I used to make more but the reality of trying to parent kids while you both work was overwhelming. We already had no margin for error because even with an income around 200k, childcare was tight. And then Covid hit. So now I work part time and we pay less for childcare, but have a little more flexibility in our schedule. But yes, money is very tight. We've pretty much given up on the idea that we'll ever own a SFH (we live in a condo now) or feel comfortable financially.

I have a graduate degree and DH is in a STEM field with an Ivy League degree. I grew up UMC and he grew up working class, and while we've far surpassed his economic status as a kid, it's definitely been a step down for me. We've both struggle with our mental health and while there is a version of us that makes WAY more money without working that much harder, I think we just lack the confidence and social skills to make it happen? I feel overwhelmed a lot. I don't know, but I do feel downwardly mobile and can relate to the anxiety OP is galling about.

It’s wild to me how much we now require people to “hustle” to have middle class lives in major metros. My grandfather was a teacher. Supported Grandma and sent 3 kids to college.

Owned a modest ranch home in a major metro, worked part time in the summers, good healthcare, nice pension, traveled in his retirement, had enough to pay for very nice assisted living accommodations in his 80s.

Never owned fancy things (or cared) but good quality of life.

Now, his life is elite.

Cost of living has greatly exceeded pay, for the current generation. Everything - college, homes, everything was relatively cheaper. I don't think Boomers have any idea how good they had it.

People who graduated in the early 80’s faced high unemployment rates and 18% mortgage rates. People a little bit older faced civil unrest and Vietnam where 50,000 of their peers were killed in swampy jungles.

Put it in perspective.

[Anonymous]

We're all working to stay out of poverty. I fear homelessness and poverty. My rent is now nearly 50% of my income. My credit rating is excellen at 807. Yet I could only qualify for an 8% rate on a car loan. A better rate of 6% made the difference of $6 a month. In the past, I would pay 0% on a 3 year car loan for a Toyota Corolla or similar car.

It's not your imagination OP.

It's inflation thrusting many of us into a completely different class.

It's very real and very frightening. I have always suspected certain leaders want only a few wealthy people and very many poor people.

[Anonymous]

"Also your salary is going to increase over the years."

Why do you think your salary will increase as you age?

I am making what I was being paid in 2006. I cannot find a job that pays better. I cannot advance. Many people are pushed out due to age discrimination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because I grew up UMC, it is really sad and depressing for me to be middle class/lower middle class financially as a mid thirties woman. I make 110k and my husband makes 100k or so. I feel myself sliding into the dreaded MC life and it terrifies me. I always assumed I’d be upwardly mobile.

So you grew up UMC, but only make 100k? That’s on you. Why aren’t you making more? Didn’t your privilege teach you anything?

[Anonymous]

And I'm moving up here into middle class and beyond making $40k-$50k a year finally.
I made ca $24k from 1999-2014.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you move? I don't get staying in the area if you can't affording housing, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the exact same way. I grew up UMC spending summers at the club playing tennis and swimming. We vacationed every year to Hawaii or Florida. Parents paid for college, mother didn't work, etc. Spouse grew up poor so in his view the fact that we make 225 K combined is fantastic. Inflation is steadily eating away at what life is costing us. We can't afford to pay for private college for our kids.

I feel like it is nothing with inflation. One thing that we didn't get help on is buying a house or any help with childcare in the infant to preschool years. It was so expensive those years with two kids that we didn't buy a house until the youngest entered kindergarten. This I feel is the main issue that has set up behind and not just us our kids as well. Friends I know that had family help to buy their first houses kept those houses and are renting them out while they moved into bigger houses. By the time they are 65 they will own two houses free and clear which sets them up to help their own children buy houses.

I was thinking of retiring at 60 but now I am thinking of toughing it out in a job I don't really like so that for three to five years (so retiring at 63 to 65) I can put money away for my kids to provide the down payment to purchase property.

JFC. If you are thinking of retiring early, but not quite as early as you wished, not because you have to work to pay the bills but to pass significant amounts to your kids, you are at a minimum UMC. And a clueless twit, but that has nothing to do with economics.

WTH? 65 is not retiring early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP is trolling or not, but I do actually feel this way. We make less money, though -- 150k (DH 100k, me 50k). I used to make more but the reality of trying to parent kids while you both work was overwhelming. We already had no margin for error because even with an income around 200k, childcare was tight. And then Covid hit. So now I work part time and we pay less for childcare, but have a little more flexibility in our schedule. But yes, money is very tight. We've pretty much given up on the idea that we'll ever own a SFH (we live in a condo now) or feel comfortable financially.

I have a graduate degree and DH is in a STEM field with an Ivy League degree. I grew up UMC and he grew up working class, and while we've far surpassed his economic status as a kid, it's definitely been a step down for me. We've both struggle with our mental health and while there is a version of us that makes WAY more money without working that much harder, I think we just lack the confidence and social skills to make it happen? I feel overwhelmed a lot. I don't know, but I do feel downwardly mobile and can relate to the anxiety OP is galling about.

Op here. This is how I feel too. On one hand there is shame in not being able to replicate my parents success even though I was given all the opportunities and resources. Then there’s the depressing realization that we will ever be able to buy a SFH in a good neighborhood around here and I’ll never have the quality of life I grew up with or give my kids the same experiences.

You can move or have fewer material goods. That is your choice. Feel in control. Appreciate all that you have.

Therapy might help you.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you move? I don't get staying in the area if you can't affording housing, etc.

Not OP but in similar boat (less income, but with a kid) and we would very much like to move. Currently DH's job is tied to the area with now fully remote option. I have moved into a fully remote job over the last few years to prepare us for a move. But it's not like it's super easy to just relocate. We are in our 40s with a child, we have tons of connections to this area after going to school and then living here for over two decades. I'm still not convinced my DH won't get cold feet, and I have nerves myself. Our families are both very dysfunctional and live in extremely remote places, so the option of just moving closer to them isn't really on the table, though we are considering a city about 4 hours from his family. Figuring out how to move his job is going to be tricky and there's a strong chance he'll basically need to shift industries if we move, since what he does isn't really a thing in most LCOL areas.

We have to juggle jobs, schools, some connection to the community, making new friends and networks in our 40s. Our kid has a hobby that is important to them -- I have to make sure they can still do that in some capacity.

What people don't get is that as recently as 10-15 years ago, DC was considered a LCOL alternative to NY/LA/SF. Some of us chose it over NY or LA (I did) specifically because our money went further here and we could see building a family here after college or grad school in a way we couldn't see those other places. But then a couple poorly timed layoffs, some shifts in our industry, and Covid, and here we are living in a city that is honestly too pricy for us but at a stage in life where just picking up and moving somewhere else is much easier said than done.

"Just move" sounds obvious but if it were that easy, everyone would just do it.

[Anonymous]

You are either stupid or lazy AF. We only make 150k combined but have 2 houses, 1 a rental and live very comfortably with plenty in savings and money set aside for retirement and college. Our kids are in 2 sports and we make out fine. Now, we do not eat out much, make impulse spending mistakes or spends thousands on clothes. We do vacation to fun spots but not mega budget busters like Europe or beyond. We are saving to go to Europe next year hough and it will not break our bank. You have to be smart and humble.