Terrified and depressed due to downward mobility

[Anonymous]

Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen…

[Anonymous]

Yes, you have a paucity mindset. You need to tighten your belt because I predict things can get real bad too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP is trolling or not, but I do actually feel this way. We make less money, though -- 150k (DH 100k, me 50k). I used to make more but the reality of trying to parent kids while you both work was overwhelming. We already had no margin for error because even with an income around 200k, childcare was tight. And then Covid hit. So now I work part time and we pay less for childcare, but have a little more flexibility in our schedule. But yes, money is very tight. We've pretty much given up on the idea that we'll ever own a SFH (we live in a condo now) or feel comfortable financially.

I have a graduate degree and DH is in a STEM field with an Ivy League degree. I grew up UMC and he grew up working class, and while we've far surpassed his economic status as a kid, it's definitely been a step down for me. We've both struggle with our mental health and while there is a version of us that makes WAY more money without working that much harder, I think we just lack the confidence and social skills to make it happen? I feel overwhelmed a lot. I don't know, but I do feel downwardly mobile and can relate to the anxiety OP is galling about.

It’s wild to me how much we now require people to “hustle” to have middle class lives in major metros. My grandfather was a teacher. Supported Grandma and sent 3 kids to college.

Owned a modest ranch home in a major metro, worked part time in the summers, good healthcare, nice pension, traveled in his retirement, had enough to pay for very nice assisted living accommodations in his 80s.

Never owned fancy things (or cared) but good quality of life.

Now, his life is elite.

How many tvs did they own and how often did they buy a new car, eat out, take vacations that involved airline and hotels, pay for education/tutoring/travel sports, media, etc? Mine had one tv with an antenna (three channels), radios with a record player, never used outside help, bought two cars and held on to them until they were junk, sent us to public, etc. Pension yes middle class yes but "elite" lifestyle, no way.

[Anonymous]

Systemically, unregulated capitalism is transferring wealth up and out to the .01%. People are feeling the pinch as corporations, private equity and little gov't oversight combine to extract wealth from housing, vet care, medical care, telecom, daycare, aging, food systems/grocery, higher ed, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP is trolling or not, but I do actually feel this way. We make less money, though -- 150k (DH 100k, me 50k). I used to make more but the reality of trying to parent kids while you both work was overwhelming. We already had no margin for error because even with an income around 200k, childcare was tight. And then Covid hit. So now I work part time and we pay less for childcare, but have a little more flexibility in our schedule. But yes, money is very tight. We've pretty much given up on the idea that we'll ever own a SFH (we live in a condo now) or feel comfortable financially.

I have a graduate degree and DH is in a STEM field with an Ivy League degree. I grew up UMC and he grew up working class, and while we've far surpassed his economic status as a kid, it's definitely been a step down for me. We've both struggle with our mental health and while there is a version of us that makes WAY more money without working that much harder, I think we just lack the confidence and social skills to make it happen? I feel overwhelmed a lot. I don't know, but I do feel downwardly mobile and can relate to the anxiety OP is galling about.

Op here. This is how I feel too. On one hand there is shame in not being able to replicate my parents success even though I was given all the opportunities and resources. Then there’s the depressing realization that we will ever be able to buy a SFH in a good neighborhood around here and I’ll never have the quality of life I grew up with or give my kids the same experiences.

A lot of people grow up and don’t become wealthy like their parents. My in-laws Ivy League, very wealthy. Not us though and it doesn’t bother us in the least. We are lucky that they are the most generous and kindness people in the world. He retired early and bought us a house, gifting every year, paid for all activities and tuitions for our kids, not just monetarily, they are also there for their children. They are proud of their children, none went to Ivy League or reached their level of financial success.

If your parents are wealthy hopefully they can help with the kids. Just don’t try and be something you’re not. Don’t overreach and buy in a neighborhood you can’t afford. If you stop feeling sorry for yourself your kids will have their own childhood, not a replica of yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP is trolling or not, but I do actually feel this way. We make less money, though -- 150k (DH 100k, me 50k). I used to make more but the reality of trying to parent kids while you both work was overwhelming. We already had no margin for error because even with an income around 200k, childcare was tight. And then Covid hit. So now I work part time and we pay less for childcare, but have a little more flexibility in our schedule. But yes, money is very tight. We've pretty much given up on the idea that we'll ever own a SFH (we live in a condo now) or feel comfortable financially.

I have a graduate degree and DH is in a STEM field with an Ivy League degree. I grew up UMC and he grew up working class, and while we've far surpassed his economic status as a kid, it's definitely been a step down for me. We've both struggle with our mental health and while there is a version of us that makes WAY more money without working that much harder, I think we just lack the confidence and social skills to make it happen? I feel overwhelmed a lot. I don't know, but I do feel downwardly mobile and can relate to the anxiety OP is galling about.

It’s wild to me how much we now require people to “hustle” to have middle class lives in major metros. My grandfather was a teacher. Supported Grandma and sent 3 kids to college.

Owned a modest ranch home in a major metro, worked part time in the summers, good healthcare, nice pension, traveled in his retirement, had enough to pay for very nice assisted living accommodations in his 80s.

Never owned fancy things (or cared) but good quality of life.

Now, his life is elite.

How many tvs did they own and how often did they buy a new car, eat out, take vacations that involved airline and hotels, pay for education/tutoring/travel sports, media, etc? Mine had one tv with an antenna (three channels), radios with a record player, never used outside help, bought two cars and held on to them until they were junk, sent us to public, etc. Pension yes middle class yes but "elite" lifestyle, no way.

I'm the PP at the top of this chain and I just wanted to note that we have one TV and it is almost 15 years old. We have one car and just replaced it (old one was 14 years old and the "new" one is a used 2019). We mostly take vacations that don't involve airlines and no one in our family is travel sports or has a tutor for anything.

I say this not to complain, but to say that the assumption that middle class people to day have all that stuff is not accurate, especially in the DMV. In a LCOL area where you can buy a 4 bedroom house for 250k, maybe -- people there will have a lot more disposable income. But they'll usually also make a lot less.

But on top of all that, we don't have a SAHP, a SFH (even a modest one), or a pension on the way. We have just two kids and while I love my kids more than anything, I sometimes wonder if it was irresponsible to have the second because college costs terrify me.

So the PP's grandfather's lifestyle, on a teacher's salary and pension, actually sounds significantly more stable and luxurious than how we live. We have no margin for error at all. Maybe I was naive, but it came as a surprise to me because my parents were able to build modest wealth via pretty regular jobs and some fortunate real estate purchases. It feels like our margins are much slimmer than those of prior generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP is trolling or not, but I do actually feel this way. We make less money, though -- 150k (DH 100k, me 50k). I used to make more but the reality of trying to parent kids while you both work was overwhelming. We already had no margin for error because even with an income around 200k, childcare was tight. And then Covid hit. So now I work part time and we pay less for childcare, but have a little more flexibility in our schedule. But yes, money is very tight. We've pretty much given up on the idea that we'll ever own a SFH (we live in a condo now) or feel comfortable financially.

I have a graduate degree and DH is in a STEM field with an Ivy League degree. I grew up UMC and he grew up working class, and while we've far surpassed his economic status as a kid, it's definitely been a step down for me. We've both struggle with our mental health and while there is a version of us that makes WAY more money without working that much harder, I think we just lack the confidence and social skills to make it happen? I feel overwhelmed a lot. I don't know, but I do feel downwardly mobile and can relate to the anxiety OP is galling about.

Op here. This is how I feel too. On one hand there is shame in not being able to replicate my parents success even though I was given all the opportunities and resources. Then there’s the depressing realization that we will ever be able to buy a SFH in a good neighborhood around here and I’ll never have the quality of life I grew up with or give my kids the same experiences.

A lot of people grow up and don’t become wealthy like their parents. My in-laws Ivy League, very wealthy. Not us though and it doesn’t bother us in the least. We are lucky that they are the most generous and kindness people in the world. He retired early and bought us a house, gifting every year, paid for all activities and tuitions for our kids, not just monetarily, they are also there for their children. They are proud of their children, none went to Ivy League or reached their level of financial success.

If your parents are wealthy hopefully they can help with the kids. Just don’t try and be something you’re not. Don’t overreach and buy in a neighborhood you can’t afford. If you stop feeling sorry for yourself your kids will have their own childhood, not a replica of yours.

If your ILs bought you a home, you are wealthy. They'll probably also help with kid's education, right? So all you and your husband need to do is make enough money to cover living expense (minus mortgage) and save for retirement. That would be so easy.

Not all UMC or wealthy parents are generous like that, either. You are lucky, but you need to understand how unusual your situation is. You're in a really ideal situation.

[Anonymous]

No inheritance coming?

[Anonymous]

I recommend you look into minimalism. I was feeling like you and it has changed my outlook. Youtube has many vloggers who have adopted the mindset and lifestyle along the minimalist spectrum. You will realize you actually have more than enough and are actually spending your life acquiring and maintaining things that do not bring you contentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because I grew up UMC, it is really sad and depressing for me to be middle class/lower middle class financially as a mid thirties woman. I make 110k and my husband makes 100k or so. I feel myself sliding into the dreaded MC life and it terrifies me. I always assumed I’d be upwardly mobile.

It’s going to be tough getting sympathy when you’ve just insulted about 90% of the population of this country.

Get some professional help for your misguided feelings of terror.

[Anonymous]

I never aspired to be wealthy. Maybe I need therapy ?
No really, this whole forum is obsessed with money and all the trappings one wants. Why is that ?
Been to a cemetery lately ?
Not one tombstone says she had a great house, nice car, travel to places one only reads about and she was one fine dresser.

[Anonymous]

Upward mobility is no longer assured for most people who are middle class to UMC like it was during the glory days of high taxes for the rich.

Thankfully, much like the pp, my goal was only to be comfortable and have what I needed.

My older parents rarely went on vacation, never had cable, and went out to eat twice a month max.

Most of us are not going to be able to live what is considered an UMC life anymore, as the 1% get wealthier..

[Anonymous]

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL. You make over $200k per year. Maybe you should spend your free time begging at the intersections.

Lol
DCUM is amazing

[Anonymous]

I feel the exact same way. I grew up UMC spending summers at the club playing tennis and swimming. We vacationed every year to Hawaii or Florida. Parents paid for college, mother didn't work, etc. Spouse grew up poor so in his view the fact that we make 225 K combined is fantastic. Inflation is steadily eating away at what life is costing us. We can't afford to pay for private college for our kids.

I feel like it is nothing with inflation. One thing that we didn't get help on is buying a house or any help with childcare in the infant to preschool years. It was so expensive those years with two kids that we didn't buy a house until the youngest entered kindergarten. This I feel is the main issue that has set up behind and not just us our kids as well. Friends I know that had family help to buy their first houses kept those houses and are renting them out while they moved into bigger houses. By the time they are 65 they will own two houses free and clear which sets them up to help their own children buy houses.

I was thinking of retiring at 60 but now I am thinking of toughing it out in a job I don't really like so that for three to five years (so retiring at 63 to 65) I can put money away for my kids to provide the down payment to purchase property.