Not ready for kids - help me feel ok about this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to feel ok about? You’re not the parent.

Op here. My brother is pretty traditional and quite upset. I’m hoping to have some stories of positive outcomes to share to help him see that this isn’t an automatic disaster. OTOH, I get why he’s worried.

Sounds like the “traditional” hypocrites I know. He doesn’t seem to be showing an appreciation for life & family values here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because when kids have kids they burden the family. I’ve raised my kids and I be dammed if I raise anymore.

They burden the aunts & uncles?

Depends on the family. From what I’ve seen, people step up to the plate. The parents, the family. The extended family. Two of my brothers had kids at about the age of OP’s niece. Lots of us stepped in to help, including me. My nieces and nephew are now grown and are wonderful people with kids of their own. I’m very close with them which is no surprise since I was majorly involved in their lives all growing up. And it wasn’t a burden because we all love my brothers and we all love the kids.

As for my brothers, I think they became who they would have, kids or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ohh man, this tore my family apart. My parents eventually divorced because of it. My sister was the one who had the baby.

How did your sister having a child cause your parents to divorce?

Don’t be obtuse. She had a child when she was in the same position as OP’s niece (no college, no career, no money). She and her child were completely dependent on my parents.

Not following how your sister and her child made your parents divorce. Who was responsible for the child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ohh man, this tore my family apart. My parents eventually divorced because of it. My sister was the one who had the baby.

How did your sister having a child cause your parents to divorce?

Don’t be obtuse. She had a child when she was in the same position as OP’s niece (no college, no career, no money). She and her child were completely dependent on my parents.

I know several older married couples helping raise a grandkid. In all the cases I know, the mother of the kid works or goes to school while living at home with her parents and it's like a 3-parent family. Occasionally there is a dad who pays child support and that helps a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ohh man, this tore my family apart. My parents eventually divorced because of it. My sister was the one who had the baby.

How did your sister having a child cause your parents to divorce?

Don’t be obtuse. She had a child when she was in the same position as OP’s niece (no college, no career, no money). She and her child were completely dependent on my parents.

Not following how your sister and her child made your parents divorce. Who was responsible for the child?

My parents. They were in their late 50s at that point, and my other sibling (my brother) & were in our late teens/early 20s during the kid’s early years. This is the short version, but my dad believed that my sister should’ve moved out, gotten a full-time job, paid her own expenses and raised the child herself since it was her decision to keep the child (they live in a LCOL area in the rust belt). My mom disagreed and didn’t trust that the child would be cared for properly by my sister if they moved out, so convinced her to stay at their house with her kid.

My mom voluntarily took on basically all of the childrearing (taking kid to and from part-time prek, putting them to bed (in my parents’ bed) dressing them, reading to them, laundry, feeding them, buying them clothes, paying for prek, doctors appts, watching kid almost 24/7). But my mom would complain about that, and then she’d get into fights with my dad. My mom would give my sister, who was MIA most of the time, money whenever she asked. My sister would eat at restaurants very frequently & leave messes of takeout food all over the kitchen. When I was home for breaks in college in high school, we’d all get woken up by 2am screams for mommy & the occasional toddler puking. My brother & I were left to finish raising ourselves at this point.

My dad basically started seething with anger over all of this. He decided this wasn’t how he wanted to spend his upcoming retirement and the next two decades of his life and filed for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ohh man, this tore my family apart. My parents eventually divorced because of it. My sister was the one who had the baby.

How did your sister having a child cause your parents to divorce?

Don’t be obtuse. She had a child when she was in the same position as OP’s niece (no college, no career, no money). She and her child were completely dependent on my parents.

I know several older married couples helping raise a grandkid. In all the cases I know, the mother of the kid works or goes to school while living at home with her parents and it's like a 3-parent family. Occasionally there is a dad who pays child support and that helps a little.

PP here. I think you’d be surprised to find out how the young mother’s siblings & one of her parents really feel about that arrangement.

[Anonymous]

I worked too hard to give my daughter's a dream life. Nope. They will have to do adoption but I will not force them to do abortion as their body is not mine. That crosses boundaries in my opinion. And, I really do not want to assist with the murder of my grandchild. If she wants to get an abortion, I will agree but make her aware of ramifications. My eldest does not like children, and really is not the type of person to imagine having one, so I do not worry with her. Now, the youngest, she will go on the shot as soon as she gets her menstrual cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked too hard to give my daughter's a dream life. Nope. They will have to do adoption but I will not force them to do abortion as their body is not mine. That crosses boundaries in my opinion. And, I really do not want to assist with the murder of my grandchild. If she wants to get an abortion, I will agree but make her aware of ramifications. My eldest does not like children, and really is not the type of person to imagine having one, so I do not worry with her. Now, the youngest, she will go on the shot as soon as she gets her menstrual cycle.

It’s not up to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ohh man, this tore my family apart. My parents eventually divorced because of it. My sister was the one who had the baby.

How did your sister having a child cause your parents to divorce?

Don’t be obtuse. She had a child when she was in the same position as OP’s niece (no college, no career, no money). She and her child were completely dependent on my parents.

Not following how your sister and her child made your parents divorce. Who was responsible for the child?

My parents. They were in their late 50s at that point, and my other sibling (my brother) & were in our late teens/early 20s during the kid’s early years. This is the short version, but my dad believed that my sister should’ve moved out, gotten a full-time job, paid her own expenses and raised the child herself since it was her decision to keep the child (they live in a LCOL area in the rust belt). My mom disagreed and didn’t trust that the child would be cared for properly by my sister if they moved out, so convinced her to stay at their house with her kid.

My mom voluntarily took on basically all of the childrearing (taking kid to and from part-time prek, putting them to bed (in my parents’ bed) dressing them, reading to them, laundry, feeding them, buying them clothes, paying for prek, doctors appts, watching kid almost 24/7). But my mom would complain about that, and then she’d get into fights with my dad. My mom would give my sister, who was MIA most of the time, money whenever she asked. My sister would eat at restaurants very frequently & leave messes of takeout food all over the kitchen. When I was home for breaks in college in high school, we’d all get woken up by 2am screams for mommy & the occasional toddler puking. My brother & I were left to finish raising ourselves at this point.

My dad basically started seething with anger over all of this. He decided this wasn’t how he wanted to spend his upcoming retirement and the next two decades of his life and filed for divorce.

What a horrible father you have. Absolutely disgusting all of you (except your mom).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because when kids have kids they burden the family. I’ve raised my kids and I be dammed if I raise anymore.

They burden the aunts & uncles?

Depends on the family. From what I’ve seen, people step up to the plate. The parents, the family. The extended family. Two of my brothers had kids at about the age of OP’s niece. Lots of us stepped in to help, including me. My nieces and nephew are now grown and are wonderful people with kids of their own. I’m very close with them which is no surprise since I was majorly involved in their lives all growing up. And it wasn’t a burden because we all love my brothers and we all love the kids.

As for my brothers, I think they became who they would have, kids or not.

Now you sound like normal people who actually care about family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At least she isn’t scrambling to have a child in her 40s!
Tell your brother the more he helps, the better the outcome.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ohh man, this tore my family apart. My parents eventually divorced because of it. My sister was the one who had the baby.

How did your sister having a child cause your parents to divorce?

Don’t be obtuse. She had a child when she was in the same position as OP’s niece (no college, no career, no money). She and her child were completely dependent on my parents.

Not following how your sister and her child made your parents divorce. Who was responsible for the child?

My parents. They were in their late 50s at that point, and my other sibling (my brother) & were in our late teens/early 20s during the kid’s early years. This is the short version, but my dad believed that my sister should’ve moved out, gotten a full-time job, paid her own expenses and raised the child herself since it was her decision to keep the child (they live in a LCOL area in the rust belt). My mom disagreed and didn’t trust that the child would be cared for properly by my sister if they moved out, so convinced her to stay at their house with her kid.

My mom voluntarily took on basically all of the childrearing (taking kid to and from part-time prek, putting them to bed (in my parents’ bed) dressing them, reading to them, laundry, feeding them, buying them clothes, paying for prek, doctors appts, watching kid almost 24/7). But my mom would complain about that, and then she’d get into fights with my dad. My mom would give my sister, who was MIA most of the time, money whenever she asked. My sister would eat at restaurants very frequently & leave messes of takeout food all over the kitchen. When I was home for breaks in college in high school, we’d all get woken up by 2am screams for mommy & the occasional toddler puking. My brother & I were left to finish raising ourselves at this point.

My dad basically started seething with anger over all of this. He decided this wasn’t how he wanted to spend his upcoming retirement and the next two decades of his life and filed for divorce.

What a horrible father you have. Absolutely disgusting all of you (except your mom).

Actually, my mom was the horrible one. She decided that we were all going to take this on and damn everyone else in the household’s thoughts & feelings. I don’t blame him one bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ohh man, this tore my family apart. My parents eventually divorced because of it. My sister was the one who had the baby.

How did your sister having a child cause your parents to divorce?

Don’t be obtuse. She had a child when she was in the same position as OP’s niece (no college, no career, no money). She and her child were completely dependent on my parents.

Not following how your sister and her child made your parents divorce. Who was responsible for the child?

My parents. They were in their late 50s at that point, and my other sibling (my brother) & were in our late teens/early 20s during the kid’s early years. This is the short version, but my dad believed that my sister should’ve moved out, gotten a full-time job, paid her own expenses and raised the child herself since it was her decision to keep the child (they live in a LCOL area in the rust belt). My mom disagreed and didn’t trust that the child would be cared for properly by my sister if they moved out, so convinced her to stay at their house with her kid.

My mom voluntarily took on basically all of the childrearing (taking kid to and from part-time prek, putting them to bed (in my parents’ bed) dressing them, reading to them, laundry, feeding them, buying them clothes, paying for prek, doctors appts, watching kid almost 24/7). But my mom would complain about that, and then she’d get into fights with my dad. My mom would give my sister, who was MIA most of the time, money whenever she asked. My sister would eat at restaurants very frequently & leave messes of takeout food all over the kitchen. When I was home for breaks in college in high school, we’d all get woken up by 2am screams for mommy & the occasional toddler puking. My brother & I were left to finish raising ourselves at this point.

My dad basically started seething with anger over all of this. He decided this wasn’t how he wanted to spend his upcoming retirement and the next two decades of his life and filed for divorce.

What a horrible father you have. Absolutely disgusting all of you (except your mom).

Just because someone likely didn't use birth control and refused to abort or place the child for adoption, doesn't mean the baby is its grandparents' problem. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ohh man, this tore my family apart. My parents eventually divorced because of it. My sister was the one who had the baby.

How did your sister having a child cause your parents to divorce?

Don’t be obtuse. She had a child when she was in the same position as OP’s niece (no college, no career, no money). She and her child were completely dependent on my parents.

Not following how your sister and her child made your parents divorce. Who was responsible for the child?

My parents. They were in their late 50s at that point, and my other sibling (my brother) & were in our late teens/early 20s during the kid’s early years. This is the short version, but my dad believed that my sister should’ve moved out, gotten a full-time job, paid her own expenses and raised the child herself since it was her decision to keep the child (they live in a LCOL area in the rust belt). My mom disagreed and didn’t trust that the child would be cared for properly by my sister if they moved out, so convinced her to stay at their house with her kid.

My mom voluntarily took on basically all of the childrearing (taking kid to and from part-time prek, putting them to bed (in my parents’ bed) dressing them, reading to them, laundry, feeding them, buying them clothes, paying for prek, doctors appts, watching kid almost 24/7). But my mom would complain about that, and then she’d get into fights with my dad. My mom would give my sister, who was MIA most of the time, money whenever she asked. My sister would eat at restaurants very frequently & leave messes of takeout food all over the kitchen. When I was home for breaks in college in high school, we’d all get woken up by 2am screams for mommy & the occasional toddler puking. My brother & I were left to finish raising ourselves at this point.

My dad basically started seething with anger over all of this. He decided this wasn’t how he wanted to spend his upcoming retirement and the next two decades of his life and filed for divorce.

What a horrible father you have. Absolutely disgusting all of you (except your mom).

Actually, my mom was the horrible one. She decided that we were all going to take this on and damn everyone else in the household’s thoughts & feelings. I don’t blame him one bit.

I feel the sorry for the child. Can't imagine being raised by dysfunctional grandparents with aunt/uncles who resent the hell out of you and regard you with callous indifference. The mom sounds like a Casey Anthony type.

[Anonymous]

You have a 50% chance of being ok and 50% chance of real struggle in life.

I am totally fine before and now, unwed when pregnant. Never got married but have a supportive partner and present in the child's life. We are both very responsible.

My sister tried to follow my path. Isn't going so well for her. She now has a mental illness and blames everything on everyone except herself. Her child is 9 now. Had a chance to be with the father but didn't want to. I guess that part is blocked from her memory too.
This is what happens when the person does not choose to be responsible for oneself and accept the responsibility of being a parent.