Not ready for kids - help me feel ok about this

[Anonymous]

My flighty SIL got "knocked up" by a man 20 years older than her when she was in her early 20s. She broke up with him and went her own way for a number of years, finished college, dated several men, lived with roommates and crappy apartments with her daughter.

She eventually reconnected with the father, dated him again, and got married. She finished college and, over the years, finished a PhD. Now, they have three kids (two are adults in their 20s now) and they are millionaires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At least she isn’t scrambling to have a child in her 40s!
Tell your brother the more he helps, the better the outcome.

At least 40 year old can support themselves instead of putting their parents in an early grave! You sound horrible.

[Anonymous]

I think you and your brother need to mond your business. She is grown. Who cares if someone else is not happy for them. Be happy for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At least she isn’t scrambling to have a child in her 40s!
Tell your brother the more he helps, the better the outcome.

At least 40 year old can support themselves instead of putting their parents in an early grave! You sound horrible.

+1000

People who haven’t see this happen (unwed, poor unstable couple having kids) among their own friends/family don’t understand the sheer amount of stress it puts on the baby’s grandparents. Particularly and usually, the woman’s parents (esp. her mother), who cannot bear the thought of their grandchild being neglected or suffering.

If getting pregnant & having baby was some impetus to grow up, there wouldn’t be so many children abused at the hands of their parents or put in foster care.

[Anonymous]

Lots of people on this thread are being coy, but I will say, bluntly, that if my daughter announced she was pregnant at, say, 20 I would move heaven & earth to get her to the nearest abortion clinic. If that required traveling internationally to somewhere that would perform one, so be it & and I would pay for it in full. If she were staunchly opposed to that option, I would let her know the second option would be to put the baby up for adoption, and that I would fully assist her in hiding the pregnancy while she was “on a gap semester from college” or “studying abroad.”

But, those would be the two options. I would be 100% clear to her that I am not raising another child and will not be providing any financial support if she chose to keep the child. Because in 90% of these situations, if she keeps the child, the financial, emotional & logistical burden ends up falling entirely on the grandparents for years & years.

[Anonymous]

I would strongly encourage her to abort. She can do so in Canada if she can’t here at this stage.

[Anonymous]

Unwed --- you shouldn't feel ok about this
Geez, don't try to feel ok about this!

Personally, I would be understanding if the woman was closing-in on a loss of fertility, was financially independent and made a conscious decision that she could do this alone.

But your niece? She was just irresponsible. No excuse to be so irresponsible with birth control. You can be pleasant to her and help but no way would I try to be "ok" with this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unwed --- you shouldn't feel ok about this
Geez, don't try to feel ok about this!

Personally, I would be understanding if the woman was closing-in on a loss of fertility, was financially independent and made a conscious decision that she could do this alone.

But your niece? She was just irresponsible. No excuse to be so irresponsible with birth control. You can be pleasant to her and help but no way would I try to be "ok" with this!

Birth control does fail.

[Anonymous]

It’s none of your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unwed --- you shouldn't feel ok about this
Geez, don't try to feel ok about this!

Personally, I would be understanding if the woman was closing-in on a loss of fertility, was financially independent and made a conscious decision that she could do this alone.

But your niece? She was just irresponsible. No excuse to be so irresponsible with birth control. You can be pleasant to her and help but no way would I try to be "ok" with this!

And it’s not 1950.

[Anonymous]

In the end, its her life. She can't live it to fulfill her dad's dreams. She'll have her own failure and triumphs. If he wants to be in her life and not push her away at a vulnerable time, all he can do is to offer his love and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your adult child had kids at a point in their life when you didn’t think they were ready - e.g., too young, too unstable, etc. - how have things turned out?

My niece just announced. Unwed. Not in a stable relationship, though the father is currently in her life. (He’s the more stable of the two.) No college and no career.

We’re all trying to be happy for them but also pretty worried.

I would be very disappointed but would remain supportive. What else can a parent do? Disown? How would that help?

[Anonymous]

Abortion should be on table as an option for sure but you can only suggest it and offer support in getting it. In the end its her decision, unless she is legally incompetent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your adult child had kids at a point in their life when you didn’t think they were ready - e.g., too young, too unstable, etc. - how have things turned out?

My niece just announced. Unwed. Not in a stable relationship, though the father is currently in her life. (He’s the more stable of the two.) No college and no career.

We’re all trying to be happy for them but also pretty worried.

I would be very disappointed but would remain supportive. What else can a parent do? Disown? How would that help?

Adoption or abortion

[Anonymous]

Birth control does fail.

Not if you combine several options. Always a condom with always spermicide.