Not ready for kids - help me feel ok about this

[Anonymous]

If your adult child had kids at a point in their life when you didn’t think they were ready - e.g., too young, too unstable, etc. - how have things turned out?

My niece just announced. Unwed. Not in a stable relationship, though the father is currently in her life. (He’s the more stable of the two.) No college and no career.

We’re all trying to be happy for them but also pretty worried.

[Anonymous]

My mother never thought it was the right time for me to have kids. I had the first in grad school at 25 and the second as a stay at home mother at 30. She did not approve of my choice of husband anyway, so kids with "that man" just weren't going to make her happy.The reality is that she would only have been happy if I had replicated her life exactly, with the same type of husband holding the same type of stable job. Anything that I do differently from her is "risky", "unwise" and "but have you thought about if X, Y, Z happened?".

And she wonders why she's been held at arms length all these years.

[Anonymous]

16:16 again. What's amusing is that in her 70s she's slowly realizing that we have a LOT more money than she ever had, and that we have a pretty happy life, whereas she spent it constantly complaining about everything.

[Anonymous]

What is there to feel ok about? You’re not the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is there to feel ok about? You’re not the parent.

Op here. My brother is pretty traditional and quite upset. I’m hoping to have some stories of positive outcomes to share to help him see that this isn’t an automatic disaster. OTOH, I get why he’s worried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your adult child had kids at a point in their life when you didn’t think they were ready - e.g., too young, too unstable, etc. - how have things turned out?

My niece just announced. Unwed. Not in a stable relationship, though the father is currently in her life. (He’s the more stable of the two.) No college and no career.

We’re all trying to be happy for them but also pretty worried.

My sister did at 21. It turned out okay. But, there is TONS of family support. Lives at my parents house full time in basement suite and doesn’t pay rent; my parents LOVE having a grandchild and provide a ton of financial support. My parents pay for her schooling. My sister works as a waitress.

You, OP, are not obligated or pressured to provide any ongoing financial support. You are free to do so if you wish. There is little you could say to your niece that is going to change her decision on whether to keep the child. If she’s announced, I assume she’d keeping it. She might be feeling very overwhelmed & scared at three moment. Consider, again, at your own volition, being a listening ear & kind aunt to her at this time. Say congratulations to her even if you don’t actually mean it. Buy her a baby shower gift. That can be the extent of your involvement if you want; no harm no foul.

[Anonymous]

Children can be a wake-up call for their parents; here's hoping it is for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to feel ok about? You’re not the parent.

Op here. My brother is pretty traditional and quite upset. I’m hoping to have some stories of positive outcomes to share to help him see that this isn’t an automatic disaster. OTOH, I get why he’s worried.

The ones I’ve seen have a positive outcome, the young mom had significant family support. As in, grandparents, mom, maybe (but not always) dad, mom’s siblings and cousins were raising the child together. Most of whom were living in the same household.

I am a Hispanic immigrant who comes from a conservative Catholic family, if that’s relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your adult child had kids at a point in their life when you didn’t think they were ready - e.g., too young, too unstable, etc. - how have things turned out?

My niece just announced. Unwed. Not in a stable relationship, though the father is currently in her life. (He’s the more stable of the two.) No college and no career.

We’re all trying to be happy for them but also pretty worried.

My sister did at 21. It turned out okay. But, there is TONS of family support. Lives at my parents house full time in basement suite and doesn’t pay rent; my parents LOVE having a grandchild and provide a ton of financial support. My parents pay for her schooling. My sister works as a waitress.

You, OP, are not obligated or pressured to provide any ongoing financial support. You are free to do so if you wish. There is little you could say to your niece that is going to change her decision on whether to keep the child. If she’s announced, I assume she’d keeping it. She might be feeling very overwhelmed & scared at three moment. Consider, again, at your own volition, being a listening ear & kind aunt to her at this time. Say congratulations to her even if you don’t actually mean it. Buy her a baby shower gift. That can be the extent of your involvement if you want; no harm no foul.

My SIL is the same. TONS of family support. She's now in her late 40s with a teenage daughter and is still getting laid off every few years. Without her parents constant financial support, their granddaughter would be in a stable situation.

[Anonymous]

would not be in a stable situation

[Anonymous]

Hopefully she doesn't live in a high COL area like around here. If so, daycare expenses will probably keep her from working since she doesn't have a degree and probably has low earning potential. Hopefully the baby's father has a decent job or significant family support or she will have a hard time making ends meet. Does the baby's father want the child? Whether he wants to be involved will also have a significant impact on her and the child.

[Anonymous]

At least she isn’t scrambling to have a child in her 40s!
Tell your brother the more he helps, the better the outcome.

[Anonymous]

Life happens. If you value your family relationships, the best you can do is to be an active and engaged, loving grandparent. It will be good for your grandkid, give your daughter a better chance, and help attract the right kind of potential future spouse.

[Anonymous]

My reaction would be very different if it were my niece versus my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Our college friend had just graduated when his almost-sophomore girlfriend got pregnant. He dropped out of law school and got a job and an apt. She moved home until she had the baby (so her mom could help) and then to live with him. They both finished school part time (he got a law degree at night) and we helped with babysitting at their rundown apt. But that baby just graduated from law school herself and they have 2 more after her. It wasn’t easy but they made it! Their mindset was the key. They stuck with each other instead of giving up when things didn’t go their way, they got support from folks who loved them but no one rescued them from their decisions, and most of all they were determined to make it work.