Reply to Why don’t more parents understand that adult kids have leverage nowadays to cut off contact, and

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of [b]abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens[/b] and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.[/quote]

As a teen I wasn’t allowed to make my own friends.  If I made my own friend, my mom would find something wrong with the friend and not allow us to spend time together.  She would describe someone normal who went to parties as a “druggie”.  Everything was very black or white.

I was only allowed to have a car my senior year of HS so they could control my whereabouts.  My mom referred to cars as “killing machines”.  I finally took my car to college my sophomore year so I could drive to work.  It took a lot to get my parents to allow this.  My parents then introduced “checks” on the car.  I wasn’t allowed to drive the car at night so they would take trips to my college town to make sure the car was indeed in the parking lot of my dorm at night.

My interests and likes/dislikes were completely disregarded.  I didn’t like playing an instrument.  Too bad.  You’ll play it.  I disliked church. Too bad. You’ll go every Sunday and also go on youth group trips during the summer.

I wasn’t allowed to find my own PT job. My mom found it for me and I was forced to work there under threats.  I wanted to work somewhere else but it wasn’t allowed.

I loved summer camp.  Too much for my parents.  My mom said “we will nip this independence on the bud” and I was not allowed to ever go again. One of the biggest disappointments of my childhood. Being able to make my own friends and sign up for activities I enjoyed was amazing.  I could see the light.

I wasn’t allowed to go to college out of state despite my parents having plenty of money. I wanted to apply anyway and get loans but didn’t have access to a checking account to pay for applications.  The college advisor at my school told my parents and I was then punished for pursuing anything out of state.

During college I wasn’t allowed to study abroad.  Parents refused to pay for it and because of their controlling ways, I didn’t have the ability to take out loans.  Instead I was told I’d spend summer abroad with my parents.  As a 20 year old I spent the summer touring Europe with my parents.

Other disrespectful things my mom did included reading my notes, listening to phone conversations and saying things like “you can’t trust teenagers.”  if I ever talked to a boy in HS my mom would say things like “you need to get on birth control so you don’t have to murder your child.”  Except I wasn’t sexually active.  They said I was and didn’t believe me.

After college my parents used their financial means to try to control me.  They paid for a condo in Manhattan.  I eventually figured them out, moved out and went on my way.

I am now only allowed to pretend I had a wonderful childhood and my parents were perfect parents.  They act like I’m crazy and ungrateful if I bring anything up.  So I don’t.  I instead stay away from them.  I have a harder time now with the relationship since I’m a parent and can’t imagine treating my kids in the authoritative manner in which I was raised.  They had 0 respect for me as an individual and made it clear that as a child I was a second class citizen.

[/quote]

:shock:

That there is a lot of baggage. Like a team of guys hoisting trunks on to the Titanic amount of baggage.

However, you sure seem to want/need their money. Otherwise you could have avoided the last 3-4 paragraphs. [/quote]

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