Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every partner will have some undesirable traits. It sounds like these situations are maybe 10% of your life. If he’s a good partner/dad the other 90% it’s a bad calculation to make.

Thanks for this. True.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. You are crazy and sound very entitled. Also, are you independently wealthy? The life of a divorced mom and four kids with split households and the salary of a family physician will it go very far in this area. At all.

Set your own boundaries with your MIL if your husband will not.

Stunned by the stupidity of your question.

I have money from my wealthy father to fall back on and a graduate degree. I would have to downgrade lifestyle a bit but wouldn’t be in poverty.

The other person who attacked me was a male close couple friend. Not his mom.

This actually would make me feel better about the lack of defense in the MIL situation...he is just a wimp, not choosing her over you. I would not divorce over this unless there are other issues. I would let it be known that it is a huge turn off though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again- the friend issue is easily identifiable if he reads this so I don’t want to give as much detail, but basically was a close friends surprising and verbally aggressive attack toward me for feeling slighted from an event. Both my husband and I were at fault for the perceived slight, but the friend chose me to attack and my husband threw me under the bus and let me take the heat. He was present when it occurred.

OP you need to go to a therapist and explore whether you have borderline personality. “Getting attacked for feeling slighted at an event then attacking my DH for not defending me from the attack” is classic.

This was my friends response, not mine. I work in mental health. I am 100% sure I am not bpd. The friend does show BPD traits, you’re correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married 15 years, 4 kids together. He is a family physician and I work part time and take care of the kids. Last year, we had a huge bombshell that went off in our marriage when my MIL suddenly and viciously attacked me and he did not defend me. He is a passive, conflict adverse, easy going person and struggles to stand up for himself or for me when we're attacked or criticized. This is very hard for me to accept as I truly value having a passionate partner who will have my back when needed.

We spent the last year in a lot of therapy to heal the rift. He has been coached by the therapist to be more assertive/aggressive to defend us. I thought that the problem had been fixed and was feeling overall positive about the situation. However, last week a similar incident with another person occurred and my DH repeated the same hide in his turtle shell, then come out to criticize me for my actions behaviors after the fact that caused us to have such a deep crisis a year ago. When I confronted him about it, he expressed regret but says at this point I need to accept who he is and how he reacts to conflict.

At this point, I feel done with this relationship. I dont want to spend my life married to a wimpy man. It almost seems better to be alone since I do feel alone in handling life's difficulties.

However, there is no abuse, no drinking, no adultery. We have a good sex life and an overall happy family life.

Advice appreciated. Thanks!

Doesn’t sound like he is as much of a wimp as you make him to be. The guy actually has spine, you just don’t like it. Team husband.

And to answer your original question, go ahead, make him happy.

[Anonymous]

Op- the MIL issue was around a conflict she had with both of us, mad about us making different plans for a holiday (setting a boundary which she didn’t like). She came at me about it and called me thoughtless and selfish for not going along with her holiday plans. She’s pretty judgemental and strong willed so this was not a surprise, but I was hurt that my husband let me take the fall for it and just hid like a turtle.

So you have 4 kids and a 15-year marriage, and you're considering divorce over something like the above, because you have daddy's money to fall back on?

If it wasn't for the kids, I'd say your husband should divorce you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every partner will have some undesirable traits. It sounds like these situations are maybe 10% of your life. If he’s a good partner/dad the other 90% it’s a bad calculation to make.

I mostly agree with this. It sounds like you have a great husband who is conflict avoidant. But he actually went to therapy to work on this. And he is also being totally honest that this is a really hard thing to change. He sounds fairly self aware and like he wants to make you happy, but there are some things that are just never going to come gracefully to him. Isn’t it actually more like 98% of the time you are happy? I would not divorce over this.

[Anonymous]

It depends. What kind of problems do you get into with people that your DH needs to step in.

I have been married 15 years and we have never had any problem lime this. What are these problems? Details matter. These events should be so infrequent that they are irrelevant.


Secondly, if I cannot sleep with someone, I cannot stay married to them. So if my DH came as a wimp too many times, I couldn't deal. I need that sexual attraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again- the friend issue is easily identifiable if he reads this so I don’t want to give as much detail, but basically was a close friends surprising and verbally aggressive attack toward me for feeling slighted from an event. Both my husband and I were at fault for the perceived slight, but the friend chose me to attack and my husband threw me under the bus and let me take the heat. He was present when it occurred.

OP you need to go to a therapist and explore whether you have borderline personality. “Getting attacked for feeling slighted at an event then attacking my DH for not defending me from the attack” is classic.

Op- I just reread what I wrote and agree it is confusing to readers. The situation that occurred was that the friend felt slighted by my husband and I about an event we were hosting. The friend then suddenly and surprisingly verbally attacked us (mostly me) and my husband retreated, i assertively stood up for us in the moment, and then my husband criticized me at home in private for defending us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married 15 years, 4 kids together. He is a family physician and I work part time and take care of the kids. Last year, we had a huge bombshell that went off in our marriage when my MIL suddenly and viciously attacked me and he did not defend me. He is a passive, conflict adverse, easy going person and struggles to stand up for himself or for me when we're attacked or criticized. This is very hard for me to accept as I truly value having a passionate partner who will have my back when needed.

We spent the last year in a lot of therapy to heal the rift. He has been coached by the therapist to be more assertive/aggressive to defend us. I thought that the problem had been fixed and was feeling overall positive about the situation. However, last week a similar incident with another person occurred and my DH repeated the same hide in his turtle shell, then come out to criticize me for my actions behaviors after the fact that caused us to have such a deep crisis a year ago. When I confronted him about it, he expressed regret but says at this point I need to accept who he is and how he reacts to conflict.

At this point, I feel done with this relationship. I dont want to spend my life married to a wimpy man. It almost seems better to be alone since I do feel alone in handling life's difficulties.

However, there is no abuse, no drinking, no adultery. We have a good sex life and an overall happy family life.

Advice appreciated. Thanks!

Doesn’t sound like he is as much of a wimp as you make him to be. The guy actually has spine, you just don’t like it. Team husband.

And to answer your original question, go ahead, make him happy.

Bless your heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Op- the MIL issue was around a conflict she had with both of us, mad about us making different plans for a holiday (setting a boundary which she didn’t like). She came at me about it and called me thoughtless and selfish for not going along with her holiday plans. She’s pretty judgemental and strong willed so this was not a surprise, but I was hurt that my husband let me take the fall for it and just hid like a turtle.

So you have 4 kids and a 15-year marriage, and you're considering divorce over something like the above, because you have daddy's money to fall back on?

If it wasn't for the kids, I'd say your husband should divorce you.

Bless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again- the friend issue is easily identifiable if he reads this so I don’t want to give as much detail, but basically was a close friends surprising and verbally aggressive attack toward me for feeling slighted from an event. Both my husband and I were at fault for the perceived slight, but the friend chose me to attack and my husband threw me under the bus and let me take the heat. He was present when it occurred.

OP you need to go to a therapist and explore whether you have borderline personality. “Getting attacked for feeling slighted at an event then attacking my DH for not defending me from the attack” is classic.

Op- I just reread what I wrote and agree it is confusing to readers. The situation that occurred was that the friend felt slighted by my husband and I about an event we were hosting. The friend then suddenly and surprisingly verbally attacked us (mostly me) and my husband retreated, i assertively stood up for us in the moment, and then my husband criticized me at home in private for defending us.

Has it occurred to you that maybe your husband is right this time? Like maybe his criticism is correct and you were in the wrong. Is that not a possibility at all in your mind?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again- the friend issue is easily identifiable if he reads this so I don’t want to give as much detail, but basically was a close friends surprising and verbally aggressive attack toward me for feeling slighted from an event. Both my husband and I were at fault for the perceived slight, but the friend chose me to attack and my husband threw me under the bus and let me take the heat. He was present when it occurred.

OP you need to go to a therapist and explore whether you have borderline personality. “Getting attacked for feeling slighted at an event then attacking my DH for not defending me from the attack” is classic.

This was my friends response, not mine. I work in mental health. I am 100% sure I am not bpd. The friend does show BPD traits, you’re correct.

You are gaslighting the PP you replied to. Nowhere did that poster say that the friend was showing BPD traits. Yet, you are saying that the PP suggested that the friend has BPD traits? You are a nut job! Unfortunately, you are a nut job with 4 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op- the MIL issue was around a conflict she had with both of us, mad about us making different plans for a holiday (setting a boundary which she didn’t like). She came at me about it and called me thoughtless and selfish for not going along with her holiday plans. She’s pretty judgemental and strong willed so this was not a surprise, but I was hurt that my husband let me take the fall for it and just hid like a turtle.

Did the cat have your tongue? Why did you not respond?

My DH is as conflict averse as they come, and in a situation like this, he would respond to protect that person. I would give that person a verbal lashing.

You are a big girl. Defend yourself. This is a silly reason to divorce an otherwise great spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends. What kind of problems do you get into with people that your DH needs to step in.

I have been married 15 years and we have never had any problem lime this. What are these problems? Details matter. These events should be so infrequent that they are irrelevant.


Secondly, if I cannot sleep with someone, I cannot stay married to them. So if my DH came as a wimp too many times, I couldn't deal. I need that sexual attraction.

After 4 kids, sugar bear will be the only one wanting to be with you! LOL!

[Anonymous]

Bless your heart.

This is not the scathing insult you think it is outside of the Southern-lady-with-daddy's-money circles.