Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends. What kind of problems do you get into with people that your DH needs to step in.

I have been married 15 years and we have never had any problem lime this. What are these problems? Details matter. These events should be so infrequent that they are irrelevant.


Secondly, if I cannot sleep with someone, I cannot stay married to them. So if my DH came as a wimp too many times, I couldn't deal. I need that sexual attraction.

After 4 kids, sugar bear will be the only one wanting to be with you! LOL!

You’re a jerk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married 15 years, 4 kids together. He is a family physician and I work part time and take care of the kids. Last year, we had a huge bombshell that went off in our marriage when my MIL suddenly and viciously attacked me and he did not defend me. He is a passive, conflict adverse, easy going person and struggles to stand up for himself or for me when we're attacked or criticized. This is very hard for me to accept as I truly value having a passionate partner who will have my back when needed.

We spent the last year in a lot of therapy to heal the rift. He has been coached by the therapist to be more assertive/aggressive to defend us. I thought that the problem had been fixed and was feeling overall positive about the situation. However, last week a similar incident with another person occurred and my DH repeated the same hide in his turtle shell, then come out to criticize me for my actions behaviors after the fact that caused us to have such a deep crisis a year ago. When I confronted him about it, he expressed regret but says at this point I need to accept who he is and how he reacts to conflict.

At this point, I feel done with this relationship. I dont want to spend my life married to a wimpy man. It almost seems better to be alone since I do feel alone in handling life's difficulties.

However, there is no abuse, no drinking, no adultery. We have a good sex life and an overall happy family life.

Advice appreciated. Thanks!

Doesn’t sound like he is as much of a wimp as you make him to be. The guy actually has spine, you just don’t like it. Team husband.

And to answer your original question, go ahead, make him happy.

Bless your heart.

Is that you, OP? If yes, I think I can see why you are getting randomly attacked out of the blue by multiple people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends. What kind of problems do you get into with people that your DH needs to step in.

I have been married 15 years and we have never had any problem lime this. What are these problems? Details matter. These events should be so infrequent that they are irrelevant.


Secondly, if I cannot sleep with someone, I cannot stay married to them. So if my DH came as a wimp too many times, I couldn't deal. I need that sexual attraction.

After 4 kids, sugar bear will be the only one wanting to be with you! LOL!

Then I'd marry sugar bear then.

[Anonymous]

I generally defend myself when I feel attacked and don't expect my man to jump in and be my night in shining armor. I think you need to rethink why you need him to fight your battles for you. Also, he told you he is never going to be that person. I can't understand why people marry people they wish to have instead of the ones who they are actually with.

[Anonymous]

You want to divorce your high-earning, Mon-cheating, otherwise sounds great husband because his mother said mean things to you?

Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Op here- Omg this thread is getting detailed quickly! I am not the bless your heart person! Lol! Dcum is hilarious


Honestly looking for advice. I know you people love to tear down and criticize, but the truth of these conflicts is that i take the masculine role of defending our family and I find it unsexy and demoralizing and lonely. I wonder if it would be better to be divorced rather than have to continue on this way.

Thanks for the real advice. It’s appreciated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming he was wimpy before you married him, so you married him knowing this. And then had four kids with him.

No, I wouldn’t upend FOUR KIDS’ lives over this. Just accept he’s the exact man you married and get on with your life.

+1,000,000.

+2,000,000.

Women can conditioned by books, movies, that a night in shining armor would come to our rescue. But many (if not most) end up having to battle for ourselves. Why do you feel the need for your husband to defend you? If he’s been soft like this, and probably this is a quality that may also have positives in how he deals with you and the kids, it may be tough for him to be hard on his mother even to defend his wife.

But also, there is no need for a “good reason” to end a marriage. If it feels to you like it ended, then it ended and you do not need to justify it with faults in his character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you defend yourself? I would have attacked right back if my MIL had attacked me.

Why do you need rescuing?

You sound like an immature and dumb person. And you have 4 kids? WHY?

I did defend myself to my MIL and it caused major issues that would been mitigated if it came from him instead but he hid.

Bless your heart.

You are the common element in all of these conflicts. It seems that you co-opt your DH in your actions and pretend that he is in agreement (Hey MIL, Jim and I think that we should have our own Christmas party without family! Hey Best Friend, Jim and I have decided that you cannot bring a +1 to the friends reunion party we are throwing!)

Anyways, these people know that you are the culprit and they attack you. Your DH has no desire to protect you because he is not onboard with your nastiness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Omg this thread is getting detailed quickly! I am not the bless your heart person! Lol! Dcum is hilarious


Honestly looking for advice. I know you people love to tear down and criticize, but the truth of these conflicts is that i take the masculine role of defending our family and I find it unsexy and demoralizing and lonely. I wonder if it would be better to be divorced rather than have to continue on this way.

Thanks for the real advice. It’s appreciated!

oh, so you are a princess. Got it.

You're being ridiculous. knock it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Omg this thread is getting detailed quickly! I am not the bless your heart person! Lol! Dcum is hilarious


Honestly looking for advice. I know you people love to tear down and criticize, but the truth of these conflicts is that i take the masculine role of defending our family and I find it unsexy and demoralizing and lonely. I wonder if it would be better to be divorced rather than have to continue on this way.

Thanks for the real advice. It’s appreciated!

Yes, divorce him. Hopefully he will get remarried to a normal person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again- the friend issue is easily identifiable if he reads this so I don’t want to give as much detail, but basically was a close friends surprising and verbally aggressive attack toward me for feeling slighted from an event. Both my husband and I were at fault for the perceived slight, but the friend chose me to attack and my husband threw me under the bus and let me take the heat. He was present when it occurred.

OP you need to go to a therapist and explore whether you have borderline personality. “Getting attacked for feeling slighted at an event then attacking my DH for not defending me from the attack” is classic.

Op- I just reread what I wrote and agree it is confusing to readers. The situation that occurred was that the friend felt slighted by my husband and I about an event we were hosting. The friend then suddenly and surprisingly verbally attacked us (mostly me) and my husband retreated, i assertively stood up for us in the moment, and then my husband criticized me at home in private for defending us.

Define “verbally attacked” for the class. This friend raised his voice, cursed, said cruel and nasty things unprovoked etc. about a slight by close friends? Did you guys leave immediately after this attack?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again- the friend issue is easily identifiable if he reads this so I don’t want to give as much detail, but basically was a close friends surprising and verbally aggressive attack toward me for feeling slighted from an event. Both my husband and I were at fault for the perceived slight, but the friend chose me to attack and my husband threw me under the bus and let me take the heat. He was present when it occurred.

OP you need to go to a therapist and explore whether you have borderline personality. “Getting attacked for feeling slighted at an event then attacking my DH for not defending me from the attack” is classic.

Op- I just reread what I wrote and agree it is confusing to readers. The situation that occurred was that the friend felt slighted by my husband and I about an event we were hosting. The friend then suddenly and surprisingly verbally attacked us (mostly me) and my husband retreated, i assertively stood up for us in the moment, and then my husband criticized me at home in private for defending us.

Define “verbally attacked” for the class. This friend raised his voice, cursed, said cruel and nasty things unprovoked etc. about a slight by close friends? Did you guys leave immediately after this attack?

Raised his voice, got red in the face, called us “clueless and selfish”. It was a weird and surprising situation. It caught both of us 100% by surprise.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't divorce, but I certainly can't imagine ever wanting to sleep with a man as meek as this.

[Anonymous]

The real problem here (I think) is your husband criticizing you later for your actions. But, this is where you really need to evaluate the situation. Is it possible your husband was right and that you didn’t need to react the way you did? Or is he truly so conflict adverse that he will never have your back? Talking through the exact scenario with your therapist might give you and interesting third party opinion. You both might be “right” in some ways.

I have a husband that is unlikely to ever be an upstander. When his friends behave atrociously, he isn’t going to participate, but he also isn’t going to shut them down. So he ain’t going to say “stop ogling the waitress, she is your daughter’ age”, but he will definitely try to change the subject and he spends less and less time with people that don’t share his values. Although he also would never, ever truly cut someone off. I will be honest, it drives me insane. But is don’t view this as some weird statement about masculinity. Some people are just more willing to take on controversy with others.

On the other hand, in our conversations about how we might handle certain situations, I think he can be an overreactor. And he gets super frustrated with me when I don’t 100% “have his back, see his side, etc”. So he tried to demand pretty high loyalty from me. My response to this is always “don’t ask my opinion if you don’t actually want to hear it.” At this point, it is really just a joke between the two of us.

But I still think it would be crazy to divorce over this. And the main problem here is your perverse definition on masculinity. You should reflect on this with your own therapist.

[Anonymous]

Well it sounds like you have lost respect for your husband (rightfully so). Contempt is one of the four horseman signaling divorce. Another is resentment...which his lack of standing up for you is breeding. So the divorce is not about one argument with MIL and a second with another friend. It's a sign of a deeper issue (respect, or lack thereof) which is a valid reason for divorce if it cannot be repaired with counseling.