Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?

[Anonymous]

OP, why did your husband criticize your response to the friend? That to me is more troubling than his silence in the moment (some people don't handle conflict in the moment well).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing of try to keep in mind — as a woman with a reasonably conflict avoidant husband — is that I also benefit from this. He doesn’t turn everything I do that is annoying into a big fight. Now, I do think someone who pathologically avoids conflict is a problem. But my husband being more easygoing than me is something that likely makes my life easier. I am probably annoying/frustrating on a more regular basis than I think. I just don’t have to always hear about it.

+1000

-Married to a man who is allergic to conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. You are crazy and sound very entitled. Also, are you independently wealthy? The life of a divorced mom and four kids with split households and the salary of a family physician will it go very far in this area. At all.

Set your own boundaries with your MIL if your husband will not.

Stunned by the stupidity of your question.

I’m assuming you view all divorcees this way?

DP. I am getting divorced myself and often urge posters to separate. But OP does not describe what would rise to the level of divorce. It may be that she has other things going on that actually do merit divorce. If she is fully contemptuous of her DH and cannot stand being in his presence, OK maybe. But she has four kids at home and no real career. Divorce is a pretty big deal for her.

+1

[Anonymous]

This is a blip. Not divorce worthy: there are legitimate reasons to divorce. This is not a reason. At all. I am divorced. I had a horrible marriage on all fronts for years. This is one episode: one flaw. Not divorce worthy. And with 4 kids, coparenting would be a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Omg this thread is getting detailed quickly! I am not the bless your heart person! Lol! Dcum is hilarious


Honestly looking for advice. I know you people love to tear down and criticize, but the truth of these conflicts is that i take the masculine role of defending our family and I find it unsexy and demoralizing and lonely. I wonder if it would be better to be divorced rather than have to continue on this way.

Thanks for the real advice. It’s appreciated!

I’ve been in your shoes, OP, and I hate it, too. I feel like I’m always doing the dirty work in our relationship, like defending our kids, defending myself, asking for discounts, holding people accountable, you name it. I never thought about it as unsexy, but that’s totally what it is. At this point in my life, the best way I found to deal with certain difficult people is simply to cut them off or minimize contact. MIL doesn’t like that you don’t go along with her holiday plans and DH doesn’t have your back? Fine, do your own thing from now on and let her deal with the consequences of her actions. Your DH can take your kids to see her without you. Friend jumps all over you about something? Fine, “friend” is no longer invited to ANYTHING you host, EVER, unless they apologize. This is how I handle things now. If I can’t ignore the ugly, I remove it from my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not get divorced over this

+1. Not worth it.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I think that it’s easier for people to attack women than it is to go after the man in a relationship. Wives always seem to get the blame for things.

[Anonymous]

OP, seriously? You'd be able to afford a 2 bedroom condo, maybe? With 4 kids? Heck to the no for me.

Also, I want to know exactly what the incidents were.

[Anonymous]

Who are you adults who consistently find yourselves in situations where you have to defend yourselves? If someone is actually attacking you then deal with it and don’t give them another opportunity to do so. But more likely there’s some level of drama that you like and attract. So you deal with it. The whole unsexy/man’s job is just your internalized gender roles talking. Work with your therapist on that.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you love him, I would not let MIL make us divorce. Stand up for yourself. Accept your DH is who he is. You don't expect him to defend you, but he needs to keep his mouth shut if you feel prompted to defend yourself.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a slUTy mf i would divorce

[Anonymous]

OP - your post is troubling, not for what your DH did not do, but how you talk about what is happening.

Last year, we had a huge bombshell that went off in our marriage when my MIL suddenly and viciously attacked me and he did not defend me. He is a passive, conflict adverse, easy going person and struggles to stand up for himself or for me when we're attacked or criticized. This is very hard for me to accept as I truly value having a passionate partner who will have my back when needed.

You do not discuss the details related to your MIL "suddenly and viciously" attacking you. What is her side of this story? How often do you need someone to stand up for you when you are attacked or criticized? It may be that you are one attacking and criticizing and your DH is trying to keep the peace.

We spent the last year in a lot of therapy to heal the rift. He has been coached by the therapist to be more assertive/aggressive to defend us. I thought that the problem had been fixed and was feeling overall positive about the situation. However, last week a similar incident with another person occurred and my DH repeated the same hide in his turtle shell, then come out to criticize me for my actions behaviors after the fact that caused us to have such a deep crisis a year ago. When I confronted him about it, he expressed regret but says at this point I need to accept who he is and how he reacts to conflict.

At this point, I feel done with this relationship. I dont want to spend my life married to a wimpy man. It almost seems better to be alone since I do feel alone in handling life's difficulties.

He man enough to provide for you and the children, and heal people for a living, but is a "wimpy man"? More likely, you enjoy conflict and see this trait as manly. What would happen if had a huge conflict with someone you felt was unjustified (e.g., a conflict with your mother)? Would you defend him? I doubt it. More likely, you only want him to "defend" you even when you are wrong.

However, there is no abuse, no drinking, no adultery. We have a good sex life and an overall happy family life.

He should find someone else. You feel "alone in handling life's difficulties" because you create most of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my FIL attacked me (verbally, not physically) and my husband 100% had my back. I honestly don't know what I would have done had he not, so I feel your pain.

This doesn't seem like something that should come up often though, right? So even though it has happened twice in 15 years, it may never happen again. Is there something else about him being a wimp that bothers you? Something that happens more frequently?

This response has been on my mind. Thanks for this. I agree, it’s not something that happens often at all. It’s usually a nonissue as these types of situations don’t happen often. I also wonder about people choosing me to attack as an almost middle aged woman who is no longer pregnant/nursing. It seems that I am viewed as a safe place for people to unload their anger while my husband, who is just as culpable, is let off the hook (or at least isn’t in the crosshairs of the attack). Perhaps I’m getting less valuable as I’m aging and almost done with my childbearing years, therefore bullies attack me more? While my husband is a middle aged man, fit and successful and seen as more capable and valuable by society? I’m not sure but it feels like it has a misogynistic flair.


Also, more issues I had thought of are: husband wouldn’t address shoddy work by a carpet contractor. Wrong carpet was applied. It was on his to do list for three weeks to fix, he never did it. I eventually had to fight with them and ask for a discount for the trouble.

Air bnb we stayed at was dirty and nasty. We were both grossed out. He refused to contact them to fix it, said he would just live with it. I had to fight someone again to make it right.

These are two that come to mind from the past few months.

[Anonymous]

This is such a dumb reason to get a divorce. Defend yourself. Why do you even care what MIL says? Just say “that’s an unkind and unfair comment. I’ll be leaving now.” And be done with it. Him attacking his mother in return is not going to get you some better result.

I have a spouse that wants to turn every family event into some big conflict and it’s exhausting. There are times to stand up for yourself but family conflicts it’s usually better just to disengage. It’s very rare that anything positive comes from escalating it.

[Anonymous]

You need therapy. Your description of being “viciously attacked” by your MIL and then a male friend is very telling.