14 and 15 year olds- sex and drugs? Tell other parents or not?

[Anonymous]

NP here. I have held off commenting thinking people would think I was a "freak" or a "Nazi"- but I look at my kids page, and I am sure I am seeing it all. I don't log in as a "friend" on my computer- I log in a DD on DD's computer. If she doesn't like it, too bad. She does not know when I check it, and I don't check that often, but when I do check I check well. I have stealth parental controls that show me commonly used combinations of keystrokes, which lead me to her passwords. I can, if I want to, check her facebook, email, chats- everything. I don't broadcast to friends that I do it, and it's not an issue, because I don't nit-pick over small stuff. Sex and drugs aren't small.

[Anonymous]

http://www.monitoringsoftwarereviews.org/
Heres a link to what I use for those who want to "stalk." For those who don't then don't. Hopefully all of our kids will grow up safe and not hating us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I have held off commenting thinking people would think I was a "freak" or a "Nazi"- but I look at my kids page, and I am sure I am seeing it all. I don't log in as a "friend" on my computer- I log in a DD on DD's computer. If she doesn't like it, too bad. She does not know when I check it, and I don't check that often, but when I do check I check well. I have stealth parental controls that show me commonly used combinations of keystrokes, which lead me to her passwords. I can, if I want to, check her facebook, email, chats- everything. I don't broadcast to friends that I do it, and it's not an issue, because I don't nit-pick over small stuff. Sex and drugs aren't small.

What would you do if you found something truly concerning? Come clean that you'd put a keylogger on the PC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Under most circumstances I would agree that a child's (anyone under the age of 18 for this topic) privacy should be respected - no reading a diary, listening to phone calls etc.
However, in todays world, where information about a child can be made avaible to vast numbers of people with or without permission, requires guidance and supervision by parents. Growing up today is not like it was when we were growing up, we did not have to worry about pictures of indescretions being taken and passed around school. Its a reality and no offense to most teenagers but they do not have any idea about how conduct today may effect their life 5, 10 or 15 years later...Facebook is not a private a forum where a child should assume his or her parents will not snoop - that is telephone call, diary and perhaps notes and letters they may share with their friends. It is a parents responibility to guide their children through the different stages of their life, perhaps the hardest is the teenage years, and their their utmost to prtoect their childs reputation and safety.

Facebook becomes a private forum when it comes to reading your child's PRIVATE messages. The messages that the OP admitted to reading were private messages that are not put on the kid's public facebook page. It's as much of a breach of privacy as reading a diary or listening to phone calls.

Any child who posts information on his or her drug use and sex use, on Facebook, to 300 of his or her closest friends, has really got NO RIGHT to an expectation of privacy abotu that information. ANY of those 300 "friends" could share that information with anyone, at any time.

OP< personally I think you should share what you have heard with the parents of the other kids, if possible in a way that doesn't make your wown child a scapegoat. And you should share what you have learned with the school and anyone else necessary.

If your son loses half his friends because they are doing drugs and fooling around so be it. There is a time and a place for fooling around and getting wasted, and that is college.

I've heard verbally some really outlandish incidents-so shocking they exploded out of mouths. Would I tell the parents? Some are casual acquaintances. Parent of BF? Common friends? How do you be discreet when asked about the relationship? What should be told to a school when something makes it a subject of derision?

All I can say is inform close friends so they can speak to their DC if needed...but that's really not needed since most of them hear anyway.

[Anonymous]

are you knowingly letting your child hang around 14/15 yr olds doing drugs and having sex because he said he would not have any friends? Who cares if he looses 1/2 his friends! This is a very bad path your child is on and it is your responsibility to try and help him get off of this path. Does he do any sports? Other activities that are healthy and will keep him occupied? I am shocked at the casual way you state it is "pot". Pot is a drug. Have you ever met a "POT HEAD"? Think no motivation, looser... Please be a parent to this child!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:are you knowingly letting your child hang around 14/15 yr olds doing drugs and having sex because he said he would not have any friends? Who cares if he looses 1/2 his friends! This is a very bad path your child is on and it is your responsibility to try and help him get off of this path. Does he do any sports? Other activities that are healthy and will keep him occupied? I am shocked at the casual way you state it is "pot". Pot is a drug. Have you ever met a "POT HEAD"? Think no motivation, looser... Please be a parent to this child!

Sports? a$$holes DEALING/DEALT/DOING pot are on sports teams. For one sport at least fools were getting high in season, night before, after games. 14/15 , 16/17, 18 year old high schoolers.

[Anonymous]

Parents, wake up: pot is not a harmless drug. Though many of us who grew up in the 70s and 80s experimented with it with no permanent ill effects, I feel very differently about it now. I am the mother of two teenagers and they have two cousins who became addicted to pot at age 13 and are currently battling multiple addictions. Both of them say pot was what got them started. Let me tell you, their lives are hell. Rehab, police records, separation from family and friends, overwhelming physical and psychological cravings, willingness to give anything (sex, other drugs, money and valuables stolen from parents) to get high. Forget college - these young people from normal middle-class families will be lucky to get a job at 7-11 (hard to do when you have a record; hard not to have a record when you're an addict). Marijuana these days has a 10% potency, but some samples have tested as high as 30%. In contrast, average potency in 1983 was less than 4%. It is stronger and more addictive, and creates permanent changes in the structure and functioning of the still-developing adolescent brain.
If my kid was fooling around with sex and/or drugs, I'd want to know. I understand the risk of telling another parent their child may be involved - many parents react by wanting to shoot the messenger. Depending on the school, counselors or trusted teachers may be willing to talk to the parents to tell them that their children may be using. But if you consider these parents friends, you have an obligation to tell them. Acknowledge how difficult the conversation is, be willing to be proven wrong about your suspicions, offer help - but be a responsible adult and do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents, wake up: pot is not a harmless drug. Though many of us who grew up in the 70s and 80s experimented with it with no permanent ill effects, I feel very differently about it now. I am the mother of two teenagers and they have two cousins who became addicted to pot at age 13 and are currently battling multiple addictions. Both of them say pot was what got them started. Let me tell you, their lives are hell. Rehab, police records, separation from family and friends, overwhelming physical and psychological cravings, willingness to give anything (sex, other drugs, money and valuables stolen from parents) to get high. Forget college - these young people from normal middle-class families will be lucky to get a job at 7-11 (hard to do when you have a record; hard not to have a record when you're an addict). Marijuana these days has a 10% potency, but some samples have tested as high as 30%. In contrast, average potency in 1983 was less than 4%. It is stronger and more addictive, and creates permanent changes in the structure and functioning of the still-developing adolescent brain.
If my kid was fooling around with sex and/or drugs, I'd want to know. I understand the risk of telling another parent their child may be involved - many parents react by wanting to shoot the messenger. Depending on the school, counselors or trusted teachers may be willing to talk to the parents to tell them that their children may be using. But if you consider these parents friends, you have an obligation to tell them. Acknowledge how difficult the conversation is, be willing to be proven wrong about your suspicions, offer help - but be a responsible adult and do the right thing.

DD had a BF who she learned had been dealing. ANY LEVEL OF DEALING is totally unacceptable and I don't care if this pig and all his friends get arrested.

[Anonymous]

Marijuana is one of the most benign substances (drugs) known to man it is less harmful than virtually every prescription drug. That is literally a scientific fact and there's no debating it. However, that doesn't mean it doesn't have negative psychological effects like causing a lack of motivation and other things. Whether or not you want your child using it is one thing, but pretending it's a dangerous drug is simply delusional.

[Anonymous]

I agree - many available substances can be dangerous, including prescription drugs, alcohol, and pot. Are they always, in every case, dangerous? No. But do they affect the brain every time they are used, and do the effects have long-term implications for the brain of a teenager which is still developing? Yes. That, my friend, is science and irrefutable. The longer kids stay away from all these substances, the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree - many available substances can be dangerous, including prescription drugs, alcohol, and pot. Are they always, in every case, dangerous? No. But do they affect the brain every time they are used, and do the effects have long-term implications for the brain of a teenager which is still developing? Yes. That, my friend, is science and irrefutable. The longer kids stay away from all these substances, the better.

OK but we are not debating pot on this thread. OP wants to know if she should tell the parents of her childs friends and the answer is no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks 15:31.

You are thanking 15:31 for this boneheaded advice? I am a former potsmoking, sex having teen myself. I even got into some worse stuff when I was a little bit older- probably because of the people I was hanging out with. When I was 15 and being reckless with my life I didn't think I was in any danger either- 15 year olds are not the best judge of this. I thankfully never got as bad as some of my friends and survived my teen years without pregnancy, addiction, or trouble with the law. I was robbed of some of my youth by my choices though, and I can never get that back. In hindsight, it would have been great for someone to have stepped in and clued my parents in a bit. That being said, you have to be careful about how you approach it. If you come from a loving, concerned place, rather than an accusatory one, your information could be much appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as the parent of a 15-year-old, I would want to know. Perhaps you could protect yourself by saying "this may just be rumor, but I wanted you to know what was being said about X."

About drugs or anything illegal, I would want to know, period.

About sex, I would hope my relationship is such that I can trust my child's judgment on whether to tell me. I would not want a parent I don't know talking to me about my child's rumored sex life.

Don't be absurd. Your child is NOT going to tell you about their sex life. There is so much peer presseure today, particularly for girls, to give oral sex and kids don't even consider it sex. If someone heard this about my daughter, YES, I want to know. I can deal with problems I know about but I can't deal with something for which I have no clue. I have had frank and open talks about sex with my children since they were ten and I can only pray I've taught them well. But, do I look for signs? You bet your damn life I do. I don't want to find out my son has knocked up some girl and his life is ruined; or that my daughter is giving blow jobs at parties because it is the in thing to do. OP. would you want to know? I can't imagine a parent who would not want to know.

[Anonymous]

Gain your child's trust. My son has realized over his years in high school that I'm here to support him and help him with whatever he needs and that I'm not here to be a ruthless detective. Some may disagree with me, but I truly think marijuana is harmless. Indeed, it can be a "gateway" drug, and it can be overused, but these things only happen when the user has some sort of social insecurity or high level of anxiety. Pot smoked in moderation, socially, is fine by me. I've also been okay with beer pong, so long as absolutely NOBODY who drinks drives. My son just graduated from a DC private, is playing varsity ball at a top
NESCAC school, and is very focused and happy. I attribute a lot of that to the fact that my husband and I let him make his own choices; in doing that, he learned a lot about himself. I'm also at ease because he is honest; he even told me he tried ecstasy when he went to Europe with his friends this summer. Yeah, I'm ready for the angry replies to this post about how dangerous all these substances are, but I stand by my viewpoint that experimenting is fine. I guess the point of this rambling and somewhat incoherent post is that the most important thing is to make sure your teenager understands that you're on his/her side. Mutual trust is truly the best way of keeping up with what's going on with your kid

[Anonymous]

PP: I am not going to flame you. I think a lot of people on these boards think it's fine to experiment or take drugs if the recent long thread about the 4:30 club is anything to go by. But I want to ask you a parenting question:

Did you feel it was ok to experiment before you had kids or when they were small? In other words, has this has been a long-held view?

Or did you decide you had to accept experiementation if you were to gain your son's trust? I understand that is the point of your post - the importance of mutual trust.

In otherwords, if you did not accept experimentation, do you think your son wouldn't have trusted you or trusted you less?

FWIW, I hope he stays away from drugs when traveling overseas. I wouldn't like to the consular officer calling to tell you you he's been arrested and put in jail. Ane in some places, not likely to be released for years. Or died in a hospital with inadequate care because while he was in an altered state he was robbed/beaten or drowned in a pool.