Urging child to invite family friend

[Anonymous]

I get it OP.

We have close family friends like this. Our kids get along great. But they go to different schools and have different friend groups now. So when it is birthday time, they generally aren’t part of the friends group that gets invited. We still celebrate birthdays with them- just not the same way. Since they are like family, they come to our family birthday dinners at home and we all have a great time.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think everyone here has the sort of family friends dynamic that you are talking about, OP. I grew up with family friends like this and yes, there were years I wasn’t super close to the other kids - never a dislike, but just didn’t click or have much in common. But we were always expected to socialize at family gatherings, the occasional bbq’s, birthday parties. And as I got older I appreciated the relationship we had. Are these women my closest friends? No, but there is a warm history there that I appreciate that comes from years of shared memories and gatherings.

Your child doesn’t have to be best friends with this girl to invite her to a large gathering like this, and as the parent, it’s ok if you make this call rather than she. The exception I would make is if it’s a small party where by default the invite list has to get cut down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How upset will your friend be if her kid isn’t invited? And is it worth that?

I think my friend’s feelings will definitely be hurt but I don’t think she will be mad at me. I did not want to make it about special needs but the child has mild special needs. I think that is the main reason why our kids were never close. I am not sure how much this has to do with the special needs or cool factor or looks.

I want my child to be kind and inclusive. My child does hang out with the popular kids at school and some of those kids are definitely not kind.

So now we have, child doesn't want to invite the kid. Then it is because the kid is not cool. Then it is that the kid is slightly over weight. Then it is but the kid is like a cousin. Now we are adding on special needs and you want your child to be inclusive.

Either invite the child or don't but I doubt that the advice is going to change too much. Your child is 10 and did not include the friends kid on their list. You have asked your child to add the kid and your child has said no.

Your child is 10, there probably isn't that much of a popular kids or not group. DS is 10. He has a group of kids he hangs out with at recess, it sounds like upwards of 10 kids dependent on the day. There are days he plays kick ball, days he plays soccer, days he plays tag, and days he chats. Each group seems to be different. I don't bother labeling any of this because he is 10. He has not said that these kids are cool or these kids are popular. We also don't ask those questions because he is 10.

Your child is acting like a 10 year old. They invited the kids they wanted to their party. You want them to invite someone that they see on a regular basis, based on your description, and that they are not close to even though they see each other frequently. They are not cousins and they are not friends.

Either you invite the kid over your child's protest, which means a kid will likely to be excluded from activities with the other 10 year olds due to not knowing the other kids and your kid not wanting them there, or you don't, which means some hurt feelings with your friend. I would hope that the adults can understand that the kids are not friends regardless of how the parents feel about each other and be sad but fine with the situation.

NP to the thread. PP I’ve quoted? Just because OP accurately sees that her 10 year old Dd is acting like a snotty jerk, don’t let that get you in your feelings. Not one thing she has written contradicts any other thing, and at 10 - even at 6 - it is clear that some girls are making snide comments and judgments about weight and popularity. OP is trying to be kind, and trying to address head-on her DD’s desire to be a little sh!t. You know, like you, and your kids are.

[Anonymous]

To a small party with just 5-6 friends? No. To somewhere like D&B? I wouldn’t even ask my kids, I would just invite.

[Anonymous]

Does the friend want to come alone?! If so I would not invite her
If you want to invite the whole family it may be ok but their kid might be somewhat excluded from the rest of the bunch who are probably friends

[Anonymous]

Your #1 question should be “will the other child have fun?” It sounds like no, since your DD will exclude her and there are no mutual friends, so don’t invite.

It sounds like you think your DD is becoming a mean girl. If so, that’s something to address, but not through this party. If you force your DD to invite her and she acts cold to her during the party and makes her feel left out, then you haven’t really solved the issue, and you’ve also succeeded in making the poor girl very unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How upset will your friend be if her kid isn’t invited? And is it worth that?

I think my friend’s feelings will definitely be hurt but I don’t think she will be mad at me. I did not want to make it about special needs but the child has mild special needs. I think that is the main reason why our kids were never close. I am not sure how much this has to do with the special needs or cool factor or looks.

I want my child to be kind and inclusive. My child does hang out with the popular kids at school and some of those kids are definitely not kind.

It’s an easy explanation. If she asks, tell her your daughter is 10 and now making her own guest list list with her friends. You are no longer having family parties for her birthday.

Don’t invite the family friend. It will be worse if she comes and has no one to hang out with. 10 is an age where they will not hang out with a random kid at a public venue that no one knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How upset will your friend be if her kid isn’t invited? And is it worth that?

I think my friend’s feelings will definitely be hurt but I don’t think she will be mad at me. I did not want to make it about special needs but the child has mild special needs. I think that is the main reason why our kids were never close. I am not sure how much this has to do with the special needs or cool factor or looks.

I want my child to be kind and inclusive. My child does hang out with the popular kids at school and some of those kids are definitely not kind.

So now we have, child doesn't want to invite the kid. Then it is because the kid is not cool. Then it is that the kid is slightly over weight. Then it is but the kid is like a cousin. Now we are adding on special needs and you want your child to be inclusive.

Either invite the child or don't but I doubt that the advice is going to change too much. Your child is 10 and did not include the friends kid on their list. You have asked your child to add the kid and your child has said no.

Your child is 10, there probably isn't that much of a popular kids or not group. DS is 10. He has a group of kids he hangs out with at recess, it sounds like upwards of 10 kids dependent on the day. There are days he plays kick ball, days he plays soccer, days he plays tag, and days he chats. Each group seems to be different. I don't bother labeling any of this because he is 10. He has not said that these kids are cool or these kids are popular. We also don't ask those questions because he is 10.

Your child is acting like a 10 year old. They invited the kids they wanted to their party. You want them to invite someone that they see on a regular basis, based on your description, and that they are not close to even though they see each other frequently. They are not cousins and they are not friends.

Either you invite the kid over your child's protest, which means a kid will likely to be excluded from activities with the other 10 year olds due to not knowing the other kids and your kid not wanting them there, or you don't, which means some hurt feelings with your friend. I would hope that the adults can understand that the kids are not friends regardless of how the parents feel about each other and be sad but fine with the situation.

NP to the thread. PP I’ve quoted? Just because OP accurately sees that her 10 year old Dd is acting like a snotty jerk, don’t let that get you in your feelings. Not one thing she has written contradicts any other thing, and at 10 - even at 6 - it is clear that some girls are making snide comments and judgments about weight and popularity. OP is trying to be kind, and trying to address head-on her DD’s desire to be a little sh!t. You know, like you, and your kids are.

It's not clear to me that OP's daughter is acting like a snotty jerk. OP says they've never been close. She's guessing that it's because the other girl is overweight or isn't cool or has some special needs, but if the girls have never really been close, despite spending a lot of time together, then the answer is just that her daughter doesn't really like this other kid all that much.

[Anonymous]

OP, the problem here is you. You want your child to WANT to invite this kid *who is not her friend* to her party. You state that they’re not close, but you have this weird expectation that she should adore this kid and want here there because you and your husband have an affinity for her parents. She doesn’t. But, it’s okay to tell your daughter that this kid is being invited anyway if it’s important to you, but stop it with forcing it to be important to HER. You asked who she wanted to invite, and it doesn’t include this kid that YOU like, and now you’re projecting all kinds of judgment, which is solely yours. Your child has probably endured years of time with this kid for you. I’m sure she will have her at her party, but it’s unfair to corner her into being some kind of bad kid because she doesn’t WANT what you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would honor DC’s wishes.

I am an inclusive person by nature and recently made my DD invite a classmate to her party. DD did not want to but I wanted to reach inclusion and be welcoming. The child was difficult and I regretted my decision.

May be a different situation here, but if your child is, say, 8 or older, they should be able to decide who is at their party.

I did the same PP. My DD did not want to invite a girl in her class and I just thought she was being exclusionary and turning into a mean girl. I invited the other girl who turned out to be a nightmare. She was mean and demeaning to my DD and told me after the party the cake seemed “cheap.” She said this as a 9 year old!! I was shocked by her behavior but my DD deals with it every day at school.

I learned my lesson!

There is a huge difference between a kid random kid at school and a long-time family friend, with whom the parents are close as well.

[Anonymous]

OP - I agree with you. You are building a community for your child and having family friends is part of that. Growing up I went to many parties until the end of middle school that were family friends v.s. my particular friends. Sometimes as an adult I've run into those people and its a nice shared history - more relevant to me at 50 than my friend du jour at 10. Also your child is not dictator of the world because it is their birthday - if it was a small sleepover or something that would be different but this is being a birthday brat

[Anonymous]

Why would this party be fun for your friend's kid if the kid doesn't know anyone and the guest of honor has already said she doesn't want that kid there?

I used to throw big parties and invite my friends and their kids but stopped when it didn't make sense for the other kids to be there. This did not impact my adult friendships with these women at all, they also stopped inviting my kid! No biggie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would this party be fun for your friend's kid if the kid doesn't know anyone and the guest of honor has already said she doesn't want that kid there?

I used to throw big parties and invite my friends and their kids but stopped when it didn't make sense for the other kids to be there. This did not impact my adult friendships with these women at all, they also stopped inviting my kid! No biggie.

I think you need to have an open conversation with your friend and state exactly this. Just let her know that you would love to her child there but just an FYI that they will not know any of the other children there so you don't want it to be awkward. Maybe even suggest a separate celebration where the four of you go out and get ice cream or something?

We stopped inviting friends' kids a long time ago as well as them not inviting us and everyone understood. My kids don't even get invited to/invite their cousins, who are local and close in age, anymore. Its no fun to be the only kid there who doesn't know anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would this party be fun for your friend's kid if the kid doesn't know anyone and the guest of honor has already said she doesn't want that kid there?

I used to throw big parties and invite my friends and their kids but stopped when it didn't make sense for the other kids to be there. This did not impact my adult friendships with these women at all, they also stopped inviting my kid! No biggie.

+1. At some point kids get to pick their friends and who they want at their party. If this was say 4th of July, then fine, because that event is about family and community, but’s not the case. This is about fun and celebration of the birthday person. Also you need to recognize that family friends, doesn’t mean that everyone in the family is close, just cordial. Just because you and your husband our friends with them, doesn’t mean the kids get along or have things in common. Another way to look at this would be, if you friend had a younger or older kid would you be forcing the invite? Probably not, because the kids lack commonality, so why are you pushing it now?

[Anonymous]

Why would this poor kid even want to come to a party full of kids they don’t know and one kid who doesn’t like them?

If you invite, your friend will force him to come even if he doesn’t want to come.

And your plan is that the kid will be excluded, so the kid will just hang out with you? That sounds awful.