Urging child to invite family friend

[Anonymous]

Unless the child is mean to your kid I would invite them to a party like you are describing. Your kid doesn’t get to leave a family friend out just because they’re “ not cool”
Does your kid go to this kids parties?

[Anonymous]

I had this dynamic with my kids. Close family friends but the kids were only friends by circumstance. We all stopped inviting each other’s kids to parties around that age. It’s normal. Your child should be able to have their own friends at a party. Don’t let your adult friendships cause issues for your kid. Your adult friendships are not his/her issue to manage. It’s yours. So manage it by having a direct and kind conversation.

Jack’s party this year is just 10 of his closest friends from school and the neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

They were never close and are not friends, but you feel the child should be invited to make you feel better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not invite them. It’s time to let your kid make their own decisions.

No, 10 year olds do not make their own decisions. It’s fine for them to choose their guest list and also for the parents to invite someone as well. I’d invite her. If it were a small party, I would feel differently.

OP here. This is exactly it. This is a large venue, not some intimate party. This may be the last large venue and I want to invite the family friend.

Do you know the dynamic between your kid and friend’s kid? Have they had a falling out, or an incident between them? I wouldn’t force my 10 year to include someone at their birthday that they have had a falling out with or something transpired between them.

There was no falling out. They were never close. The mom and I are close and so are Dh and the dad. I guess the family friend is not cool. Family friend is slightly overweight, not that it should matter at all.

10 is the age where making your kid include someone that you admit they have never been close with is going to lead to resistance from your kid. Your friend realizes the kids aren’t friends, right? At some point you will have to rip the bandaid off this because even if you have a small party at your home next year you’ll have to tell your friend why her kid isn’t invited unless you plan on forcing this into eternity. Does the friends kid even want to go? By age 10 going to a party where they don’t know/aren’t friends with the other kids would have gotten a hard pass from my kids. Are you and your friend in the cycle of forcing the kids to do things like this even though the kids would be perfectly fine not being forced together?

This.

OP, stop trying to force the friendship between your child and your friend’s child. That’s the issue here.

[Anonymous]

We went through this same situation two times. (I have since separated my friend relationships from those of my kids!!)

In one instance, DC actively doesn’t like the kid. He’s too loud and rough for him, teases kids etc. We didn’t invite the kid. Mom never said anything to me but demeanor changed, so I believe she found out. We are still friends but not as close. I’m sad about that, but I still think it was the right decision.

Second instance (for another DC), the kids have grown apart but do get along. Kid just wouldn’t have made the close friends list. We discussed and I said, if he isn’t going to ruin your time, you should invite him. We ended up adding two other kids who were next tier friends. He had a great birthday.

TLDR: If it’s about your kid being a mean kid, then that’s not ok. If this other child will ruin your kid’s fun, that’s also not ok. If it’s just that they aren’t that close, I would invite.

[Anonymous]

Also, this child will probably not have fun if the only person they know is your kid, who doesn't want to hang out with them? I would think that experience would be worse for all involved. Won't you feel bad for your friend and their child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, this child will probably not have fun if the only person they know is your kid, who doesn't want to hang out with them? I would think that experience would be worse for all involved. Won't you feel bad for your friend and their child?

The venue is at a place that is close to my friend’s house and I have met my friend with my youngest child and her kids. I did not bring birthday child from my post because my child had friends with own friends. My friend’s two kids were perfectly happy hanging out alone and with my youngest child who is several years younger.

My birthday child initially did not want younger sibling at the party and I said that is ridiculous.

I do not think my child is a mean kid. My child has a lot of friends. We have over 20 kids coming already. Adding my friend should be no big deal. This is a venue for all age ranges with lots to do and will be totally chaotic.

[Anonymous]

it seems that no matter what we say, you want to invite your friend and her kid. So just admit that.

The kid and your kid are not friends. It makes no sense why you have to invite them. They're 10 not 4. I'd hate to be the 10 year old that has to hang with adults because they have no friends there. And I know you keep saying it is at a large venue, but there is still food and cake I assume? So they can sit with the table where no one talks to them, or better yet, the adults?

I think that would be worse for your friendship than not inviting. I'd be embarrassed when my kid doesn't talk to their kid. I don't know why you want to do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it seems that no matter what we say, you want to invite your friend and her kid. So just admit that.

The kid and your kid are not friends. It makes no sense why you have to invite them. They're 10 not 4. I'd hate to be the 10 year old that has to hang with adults because they have no friends there. And I know you keep saying it is at a large venue, but there is still food and cake I assume? So they can sit with the table where no one talks to them, or better yet, the adults?

I think that would be worse for your friendship than not inviting. I'd be embarrassed when my kid doesn't talk to their kid. I don't know why you want to do this?

I do want to invite my friend but I haven’t and probably won’t since my child doesn’t want to.

The friend is more like a cousin than regular friend. I hang out with the mom more than all my other friends combined.

[Anonymous]

My friend forced her kindergartener to invite a child she didn’t like to her birthday party because the moms are friends. (Well that’s not really accurate because the mom did the inviting, but you know what mean.) Then the kindergartener was a bit cool to the other child. Not overtly rude but not super warm and friendly, and it hurt the other child’s feelings. My friend was angry at her child. I think it’s a lot to ask of a child to host someone they don’t like at their birthday party because their parents are friends with that child’s parents.

[Anonymous]

You’ve said a bunch of times that it will be chaotic. I don’t know why you think that matters so much. Do you think that will make the friend’s child notice that she’s being excluded LESS? It won’t. Don’t do this, OP. You’re making this about you. Think about the child who will be excluded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it seems that no matter what we say, you want to invite your friend and her kid. So just admit that.

The kid and your kid are not friends. It makes no sense why you have to invite them. They're 10 not 4. I'd hate to be the 10 year old that has to hang with adults because they have no friends there. And I know you keep saying it is at a large venue, but there is still food and cake I assume? So they can sit with the table where no one talks to them, or better yet, the adults?

I think that would be worse for your friendship than not inviting. I'd be embarrassed when my kid doesn't talk to their kid. I don't know why you want to do this?

I do want to invite my friend but I haven’t and probably won’t since my child doesn’t want to.

The friend is more like a cousin than regular friend. I hang out with the mom more than all my other friends combined.

OP you clearly just want to invite the friend and are not responding to the legitimate points made by others as to why the invite isn’t necessary. So just invite the kid and deal with your kid feeling like they are being forced to invite someone they are not close with to their birthday. You’re projecting yourself into this way too much The kids are like cousins? I’m pretty sure these kids feel not at all like they are cousins, but you want to portray it that way, or want that to be true, because of your friendship with the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it seems that no matter what we say, you want to invite your friend and her kid. So just admit that.

The kid and your kid are not friends. It makes no sense why you have to invite them. They're 10 not 4. I'd hate to be the 10 year old that has to hang with adults because they have no friends there. And I know you keep saying it is at a large venue, but there is still food and cake I assume? So they can sit with the table where no one talks to them, or better yet, the adults?

I think that would be worse for your friendship than not inviting. I'd be embarrassed when my kid doesn't talk to their kid. I don't know why you want to do this?

I do want to invite my friend but I haven’t and probably won’t since my child doesn’t want to.

The friend is more like a cousin than regular friend. I hang out with the mom more than all my other friends combined.

You are going to do what you are going to do and that is fine.

The kid is not like a cousin to your kid. Your kid does not want them at their birthday party. Your kid does not see the other kid as a friend or someone that he/she wants to play with.

I was excited to see my cousins and hang out with them. Granted, it meant flying across the country and a vacation but I liked hanging out with them and being with them. When we moved to where they lived I still saw them but we didn't hang out on a regular basis. They had their friends and lives and I built my own. I didn't invite them to my birthday gatherings and they didn't invite me to theirs. It was fine. I still talk to them and see them whenever I head out to visit that part of the country.

You keep tossing in these small things to make it sound like we should be all like "In that case.." First your kid doesn't want to invite kid X, then it was that the kid isn't cool, then it was the kid is kind of over weight, now its the kid is like a cousin.

Either you invite the kid, over your child's objection, and deal with a kid who is going to feel left out of the main party and your own kids being annoyed that the kid is there at all or you don't.

[Anonymous]

I would only invite if you have a mutual friend’s kid who is invited. Because if you do, that feels exclusionary and they will hear about it. Otherwise, I tell my kid it’s fine to have friend circles and preferences. But if you invite one person from the circle, you should invite them all. If the mom asks, just say you are only doing school friends to keep it smaller, or whatever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it seems that no matter what we say, you want to invite your friend and her kid. So just admit that.

The kid and your kid are not friends. It makes no sense why you have to invite them. They're 10 not 4. I'd hate to be the 10 year old that has to hang with adults because they have no friends there. And I know you keep saying it is at a large venue, but there is still food and cake I assume? So they can sit with the table where no one talks to them, or better yet, the adults?

I think that would be worse for your friendship than not inviting. I'd be embarrassed when my kid doesn't talk to their kid. I don't know why you want to do this?

I do want to invite my friend but I haven’t and probably won’t since my child doesn’t want to.

The friend is more like a cousin than regular friend. I hang out with the mom more than all my other friends combined.

You are going to do what you are going to do and that is fine.

The kid is not like a cousin to your kid. Your kid does not want them at their birthday party. Your kid does not see the other kid as a friend or someone that he/she wants to play with.

I was excited to see my cousins and hang out with them. Granted, it meant flying across the country and a vacation but I liked hanging out with them and being with them. When we moved to where they lived I still saw them but we didn't hang out on a regular basis. They had their friends and lives and I built my own. I didn't invite them to my birthday gatherings and they didn't invite me to theirs. It was fine. I still talk to them and see them whenever I head out to visit that part of the country.

You keep tossing in these small things to make it sound like we should be all like "In that case.." First your kid doesn't want to invite kid X, then it was that the kid isn't cool, then it was the kid is kind of over weight, now its the kid is like a cousin.

Either you invite the kid, over your child's objection, and deal with a kid who is going to feel left out of the main party and your own kids being annoyed that the kid is there at all or you don't.

They are the closest thing we have got to extended family. Dh and I both grew up without extended family. My kids have no first cousins and second cousins are all overseas.

I genuinely care for my friend and her family. My child is being a jerk and I’m not pleased.