How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

This plus they cannot adapt or grow - so layer in a house, kids, wife, 4-5 person schedules and he goes into seclusion pretending it’s solo bachelor days. Yet it so is not.

This is incorrect. They can adapt and grow.

You mean because some other adult is there to tell them what to do, when, and how? That’s what you’re calling growing? Being told a (new) task or formula and how to do it each and every time?

I think it's more like spoon theory where they can only handle so many tasks and in the areas they have an interest in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband, but I am so lonely in our marriage.
Recently, we found out that he has ASD, which explains pretty much everything that's been wrong with our 25-year marriage.
I want to stay married, but I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with this man who is unable to connect emotionally with me.
He's somewhat controlling, and he does gaslight me if I don't call him on it. But he doesn't have rages, and he accepts that he has ASD-1/HFA/Aspergers, whatever you want to call it. He's fairly successful at his job, but he is a workaholic. Work is his only interest. He has no hobbies and almost no friends. He gloms onto my friends.
I feel so lonely and neglected, like a piece of furniture that he sits on when it's convenient for him.
My question: Does anyone have a happy, fulfilling marriage to an ASD/HFA/Aspergers husband?
If so, how? How do you make your marriage work?

OP At least he does not rage. Mine belittles me, screams at me, rages at me, borderline physical violence, he tells me he does not feel anything for me. I could leave him but I don't want to see my kid 50% of the time only and my kid unfortunately also has severe ADHD. So in my view in your case marriage is doable. Not great but sounds ok.

[Anonymous]

As the Mom of an Aspie, I have a lot of questions. How long did you date your ASD spouse before you married? How is it possible that you didn’t see the signs while dating? Maybe you did, but chose to ignore? I think it’s impossible for a person to “mask” so much that their spouse wouldn’t know until years after marriage.

I don’t think ASD should be blamed for your relationship problems because it’s always been a part of his personality. What changed your perception of his personality? Did you think you could fix or change his quirks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the Mom of an Aspie, I have a lot of questions. How long did you date your ASD spouse before you married? How is it possible that you didn’t see the signs while dating? Maybe you did, but chose to ignore? I think it’s impossible for a person to “mask” so much that their spouse wouldn’t know until years after marriage.

I don’t think ASD should be blamed for your relationship problems because it’s always been a part of his personality. What changed your perception of his personality? Did you think you could fix or change his quirks?

Look up love bombing. People can do this for years. Even decades. That's why there are so many midlife crises and affairs and just breakdowns. It's not just aspergers, but many different disabilities which help contribute to breakdowns. Think Elon Musk being so into some person or idea with so much enthusiasm. And then being into another person or idea and completely dropping the old person or idea but that person is still stuck in the relationship. You knew about your child, and you are not expecting them to take on an adult's burden which is part of the larger problem with marriage and child rearing. Child rearing really involves a lot of thinking about others. They will say they can handle the work and are really enthusiastic about it but then have absolutely no idea how to do the work but you don't understand this at first because they are so into you and are able to handle that relationship. There is so much on this now if you want to look for it. 20 years ago, most people hadn't even heard of this much less knew how to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Also in answer to you question, I dated him for 2.5 years. My parents dated for 3 months. It seemed like enough time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the Mom of an Aspie, I have a lot of questions. How long did you date your ASD spouse before you married? How is it possible that you didn’t see the signs while dating? Maybe you did, but chose to ignore? I think it’s impossible for a person to “mask” so much that their spouse wouldn’t know until years after marriage.

I don’t think ASD should be blamed for your relationship problems because it’s always been a part of his personality.

What changed your perception of his personality? HIS INCAPABILITIES of being an adult

Did you think you could fix or change his quirks? FIrST I thought he was passive agreesive and not doing basic stuff. Then I thought he was an A-hole or misogynist, not doing what he agreed to do or have zero common sense. Then his executive functioning deficiencies kicked in with two kids when I could do everything everything. Then with the asd 1 Dx no, I know he will never change.

This has been asked and answered. Masking, little to no responsibilities other than to himself, simple lives when no kids or SFH, he’s work for used and one assumes that means functional, you’re his hyperfocus, his mom helps marry him off.

[Anonymous]

I don't normally reccomend this but in your situation, Laura Doyle could really help.

Get a coach and join the community. Scores of women married to men on the spectrum there. It could be like a whole new marriage in a matter of months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't normally reccomend this but in your situation, Laura Doyle could really help.

Get a coach and join the community. Scores of women married to men on the spectrum there. It could be like a whole new marriage in a matter of months.

Agreed. This approach works well with men like this. Little responsibility and a lot of praise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the Mom of an Aspie, I have a lot of questions. How long did you date your ASD spouse before you married? How is it possible that you didn’t see the signs while dating? Maybe you did, but chose to ignore? I think it’s impossible for a person to “mask” so much that their spouse wouldn’t know until years after marriage.

I don’t think ASD should be blamed for your relationship problems because it’s always been a part of his personality. What changed your perception of his personality? Did you think you could fix or change his quirks?

Do not try to marry off your child or even suggest marriage. If he's into it great. Otherwise back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't normally reccomend this but in your situation, Laura Doyle could really help.

Get a coach and join the community. Scores of women married to men on the spectrum there. It could be like a whole new marriage in a matter of months.

Agreed. This approach works well with men like this. Little responsibility and a lot of praise.

The benefit of this approach is that while you don't get the help you need because it will never happen (he can't focus on this many people), you might get a better connection between your children and their dad and you with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the Mom of an Aspie, I have a lot of questions. How long did you date your ASD spouse before you married? How is it possible that you didn’t see the signs while dating? Maybe you did, but chose to ignore? I think it’s impossible for a person to “mask” so much that their spouse wouldn’t know until years after marriage.

I don’t think ASD should be blamed for your relationship problems because it’s always been a part of his personality. What changed your perception of his personality? Did you think you could fix or change his quirks?

Most neurotypical empathy give others then benefit of the doubt. But then the mishaps and poor communication and messes start piling up and you see the pattern.

Red flags I made excuses for:
1 big temper tantrum on a vacation. I thought he was just being a guy.

He couldn’t plan a weekend trip; it literally made no sense and we had to change hotels in the middle of no where pop is in February. I’m a good planner so did it quickly but didn’t realize how chronic this would get w kids

When he moved out of his apartment he left tons of crap and his roommate went ballistic. No one really told me, but his cluelessness strikes again,

He never knew what he wanted for the relations, and avoided talks on it. I chalked it up to a Guys thing again

His brother never held down a job, and his dad “retired” at age 50. I now know this was due to their ASD. Hadn’t spent enough time with them nor had knowledge of aspergers before my spouses diagnosis.

He never did any organized sports. I now know this is because he argues with anyone trying to give him advice or help him. Totally uncoachable. And his mom was underwater doing everything with 3 aspies in the house.

Very book smart, no street smarts.


***

Anyhow, he stood out in my Wall Street land of womanizers and drinkers. He had a good job and education.

This is one case where living together for a year may have sussed out how chronic his bad habits were.
Also, he planned out honeymoon. So too late, but have them olan a big trip, soup to nuts. In our case, he got the flights and hotel based on TripAdvisor rankings. We got to this gorgeous place….. and he had no ideas or thoughts on what to do or what it to miss or what to try. He backpedaled and said let’s ask the concierge, who directed us to his cousins stuff. Luckily I brought a guid book and whipped up some day trips. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

He would save us money here and there. Like $50 on this and $20 on this so I thought he was good with money. But then took out credit cards without my knowledge and racked up tens of thousands of dollars all while telling me I wasn't being thrifty enough thinking we would just review finances on a monthly basis, and I would actually know all of the spending.

There was a lot of this. Hyperfocus on one thing but missing the big picture and just a lot of hidden deviations based on his special interests.

[Anonymous]

Hoarding. Random stuff around the house and he'd half open all of them so I couldn't even store the stuff for a later date. Nervous twitches all the time but never express the nervousness. If there was another way to do something he wanted without communicating that was how it was done. Constant questioning what was going on every day.

[Anonymous]

https://lauradoyle.org/blog/husband-with-a-mental-illness/

https://lauradoyle.org/blog/does-my-husband-have-aspergers/

While I don't agree the outcome is as rosy as she imagines, I think the approach is the best you can hope for and it will improve your marriage as long as you keep lower expectations.

[Anonymous]

Laura Doyle does not have any children that I know of. I think you have to take the marriage and have the same approach as her to have the intimacy come back and then for the children focus on whatever he enjoys doing to help them and then like the fair play book just have him do those things and stop caring about them other than safety. Just let him do his job and the things he likes to do at home. Eat healthy and try to keep things going as best you can. Get outside help and keep life simple. Don't work out of the house. Work from home if you have to.