Friend turns something positive into something negative - how to respond?

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing OP, you’re someone who has low tolerance for anything remotely negative, and feel compelled to say something positive even if it’s over the top. Personally I can’t stand this, it just seems fake. I would behave like your friend too if I felt someone was being over the top positive. It doesn’t sound like she’s negative, she’s just not responding to your bubbliness and ignoring it.

[Anonymous]

OK?

There’s someone you don’t like that much and with whom you have little in common in the world. Is this really a thread?

Yes, you stay polite but distant. You know that. Did it feel good to trash her on the Internet? Be sure to mention her age, because it’s relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just not that into you, sunshine. In fact she likely finds you annoying and she is really being very polite by not pointing that out. Why are you trying so hard to befriend her? Is she wealthy? Connected?

This is OP. No, not wealthy and not 'connected'. It appears she has a lot of local friends. She's a lot more lively and chatty with our mutual friends than with us. Maybe this is because the majority of mutual friends are in her hobby groups (she's in 3 or 4) and we're not.
We haven't done anything wrong.

You say she is in 3 or 4 hobby groups or community groups. She has probably made enough friends with shared interests, and she sees you as a casual acquaintance, nothing more.

Do you have anything in common with her? Do you share any hobbies?

You don't have to have anything in common to have a friendly conversation: "Oh, cycling, nice -- the group that meets up near me seems really tight. How did you get into it?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am generally a glass half full, try to see the positives type of person. Something about your posts is really off putting. Also, I can't imagine gushing over how much you loved planning your own wedding to someone who seems hung up on what sounds like a bitter divorce.

What do you mean by off putting? My husband and I are always polite and friendly to her.
Her divorce was over 17 years ago. She was already divorced when we moved to this town 17 years ago.

Why would you bring up your own wedding when she is talking about her daughter’s? If she says the planning is difficult, you should sympathize. You shouldn’t talk about how easy it was for you (likely two decades ago). She may be having to work with her ex-husband, potentially his new spouse, her child’s fiancé’s family - there could be a whole bunch of dynamics causing the planning to be difficult and you are brushing it off and saying how easy it was for you (again, many years ago). I would be slightly offended if I were her.

Stop trying to make this friendship happen. She doesn’t want to be friends with you. She isn’t a negative person - she just isn’t responding positively to your overtures. It seems like you want to be her friend bc she has lots of local connections and you want those too - that’s gross. Focus on the people who do like you and leave this woman alone.

A pp hit it on the head. Op makes everything about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK?

There’s someone you don’t like that much and with whom you have little in common in the world. Is this really a thread?

Yes, you stay polite but distant. You know that. Did it feel good to trash her on the Internet? Be sure to mention her age, because it’s relevant.

+1

Op sounds like a 14 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your turn every conversation about you and brag about everything. That's not her being negative. That's her being uncomfortable.

this. OP, you sound unpleasant and annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing OP, you’re someone who has low tolerance for anything remotely negative, and feel compelled to say something positive even if it’s over the top. Personally I can’t stand this, it just seems fake. I would behave like your friend too if I felt someone was being over the top positive. It doesn’t sound like she’s negative, she’s just not responding to your bubbliness and ignoring it.

This is OP here. Thanks for your input. Some of what you say is true, but there is a reason. I like to focus on the positive things in life, and be happy for what I CAN do, as opposed to the things I CANNOT do.

When I was in my 20s my mom sometimes called me a debbie downer because I often let negative thoughts enter my mind, and I complained about things, or compared myself to others.

I now try to focus on the positive side of life. If I had a nice walk in the park, why shouldn't I mention it to other people? Our local park is beautiful.
I no longer live in the shadow of others (which I used to do, especially in my teens to early 20s), I do things, I go places, I enjoy talking to people.
I'm not getting any younger and I just want to enjoy what life has to offer. Nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Just let it go OP. She's an acquaintance, that's all. Sounds perfectly fine as an acquaintance and not a good fit for friendship.

Don't force it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are always talking about yourself. Do you ever ask about her? Why would you turn the wedding of her daughter into a story about yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are always talking about yourself. Do you ever ask about her? Why would you turn the wedding of her daughter into a story about yours?

Yes, of course I do. I made sure to ask about her daughter's wedding and I said how happy I am for the couple.
I always ask people about their life, and I listen and respond to what they tell me. I also volunteer information about myself. That's how conversations flow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are always talking about yourself. Do you ever ask about her? Why would you turn the wedding of her daughter into a story about yours?

Yes, of course I do. I made sure to ask about her daughter's wedding and I said how happy I am for the couple.
I always ask people about their life, and I listen and respond to what they tell me. I also volunteer information about myself, if they don't initiate and ask me. That's how conversations flow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing OP, you’re someone who has low tolerance for anything remotely negative, and feel compelled to say something positive even if it’s over the top. Personally I can’t stand this, it just seems fake. I would behave like your friend too if I felt someone was being over the top positive. It doesn’t sound like she’s negative, she’s just not responding to your bubbliness and ignoring it.

This is OP here. Thanks for your input. Some of what you say is true, but there is a reason. I like to focus on the positive things in life, and be happy for what I CAN do, as opposed to the things I CANNOT do.

When I was in my 20s my mom sometimes called me a debbie downer because I often let negative thoughts enter my mind, and I complained about things, or compared myself to others.

I now try to focus on the positive side of life. If I had a nice walk in the park, why shouldn't I mention it to other people? Our local park is beautiful.
I no longer live in the shadow of others (which I used to do, especially in my teens to early 20s), I do things, I go places, I enjoy talking to people.
I'm not getting any younger and I just want to enjoy what life has to offer. Nothing wrong with that.

Your replies to PPs are so off-putting that I have to believe you are a troll

[Anonymous]

She didn't turn anything negative? She just didn't really say much in response? Except the wedding part, but she's divorced! Who did you think she'd react?

I get that maybe you don't click, or maybe she is outright hostile. But then stop trying to be her friend. No one needs friends that they don't click well with in mundane conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing OP, you’re someone who has low tolerance for anything remotely negative, and feel compelled to say something positive even if it’s over the top. Personally I can’t stand this, it just seems fake. I would behave like your friend too if I felt someone was being over the top positive. It doesn’t sound like she’s negative, she’s just not responding to your bubbliness and ignoring it.

This is OP here. Thanks for your input. Some of what you say is true, but there is a reason. I like to focus on the positive things in life, and be happy for what I CAN do, as opposed to the things I CANNOT do.

When I was in my 20s my mom sometimes called me a debbie downer because I often let negative thoughts enter my mind, and I complained about things, or compared myself to others.

I now try to focus on the positive side of life. If I had a nice walk in the park, why shouldn't I mention it to other people? Our local park is beautiful.
I no longer live in the shadow of others (which I used to do, especially in my teens to early 20s), I do things, I go places, I enjoy talking to people.
I'm not getting any younger and I just want to enjoy what life has to offer. Nothing wrong with that.

no one said there was anything wrong with it.
No one said you shouldn't mention those things.

most responses are saying that the friend is being cordial, not negative. I just think you aren't this person's cup of tea (and you wouldn't be mine either, from your self descriptions) and that is ALSO ok ... she isn't a friend, she is an acquaintance.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't like you op and finds the way you refer everything back to yourself as insufferable and I'm not surprised.