Friend turns something positive into something negative - how to respond?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am generally a glass half full, try to see the positives type of person. Something about your posts is really off putting. Also, I can't imagine gushing over how much you loved planning your own wedding to someone who seems hung up on what sounds like a bitter divorce.

What do you mean by off putting? My husband and I are always polite and friendly to her.
Her divorce was over 17 years ago. She was already divorced when we moved to this town 17 years ago.

Why would you bring up your own wedding when she is talking about her daughter’s? If she says the planning is difficult, you should sympathize. You shouldn’t talk about how easy it was for you (likely two decades ago). She may be having to work with her ex-husband, potentially his new spouse, her child’s fiancé’s family - there could be a whole bunch of dynamics causing the planning to be difficult and you are brushing it off and saying how easy it was for you (again, many years ago). I would be slightly offended if I were her.

Stop trying to make this friendship happen. She doesn’t want to be friends with you. She isn’t a negative person - she just isn’t responding positively to your overtures. It seems like you want to be her friend bc she has lots of local connections and you want those too - that’s gross. Focus on the people who do like you and leave this woman alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, I don't know anyone that enjoyed wedding planning...

I am OP.
I loved the planning of our own wedding. We got married 10 months after DH popped the question and we did all the work with no stress.
I should have become a wedding planner LOL.

OMG you are 52 and still thinking about your wedding. I doubt you have any idea what goes into planning a modern wedding vs. what we did 15-30 years ago. Also it seems like you only talk about yourself. Have you tried asking other people about themselves or making any effort to continue a conversation?

When someone asks you where you are going on vacation you should tell them and then say “have you been there?” Or “do you have any trips coming up?”. If you just tell me the location and say nothing else, I think that is rude.

[Anonymous]

It's a her-problem. I'd avoid her. I have a friend who cannot be happy for others. I'm sort of distancing at this point, and this has been a long-time friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, I don't know anyone that enjoyed wedding planning...

I am OP.
I loved the planning of our own wedding. We got married 10 months after DH popped the question and we did all the work with no stress.
I should have become a wedding planner LOL.

OMG you are 52 and still thinking about your wedding. I doubt you have any idea what goes into planning a modern wedding vs. what we did 15-30 years ago. Also it seems like you only talk about yourself. Have you tried asking other people about themselves or making any effort to continue a conversation?

When someone asks you where you are going on vacation you should tell them and then say “have you been there?” Or “do you have any trips coming up?”. If you just tell me the location and say nothing else, I think that is rude.

OP seems like someone who “gushes” over things (even things that happened 20 year ago). It can feel very fake and annoying to be on the receiving end of that.

[Anonymous]

OP, this woman is a situational acquaintance who has made it clear she does not want to be your friend. Be civil and back way off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, I don't know anyone that enjoyed wedding planning...

I am OP.
I loved the planning of our own wedding. We got married 10 months after DH popped the question and we did all the work with no stress.
I should have become a wedding planner LOL.

OMG you are 52 and still thinking about your wedding. I doubt you have any idea what goes into planning a modern wedding vs. what we did 15-30 years ago. Also it seems like you only talk about yourself. Have you tried asking other people about themselves or making any effort to continue a conversation?

When someone asks you where you are going on vacation you should tell them and then say “have you been there?” Or “do you have any trips coming up?”. If you just tell me the location and say nothing else, I think that is rude.

OP.
I didn't have a chance to continue the conversation or ask her questions. She promptly said she had to go and walked off.

I usually like asking people about their trips, and looking at the pictures they took.

[Anonymous]

Your turn every conversation about you and brag about everything. That's not her being negative. That's her being uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember to be sensitive about her circumstances: if you systematically “boast” (that’s how she interprets you) about things she didn’t/doesn’t have, you’re going to come across as really annoying.

I don't think I was boasting. I saw her in a local store, we started chatting, she asked me what we were up to. I very briefly told her about some difficult stuff going on at my work as a result of the pandemic (I am careful not to drone on about work, it's boring for others).
DH and I were going on vacation the next week and I also mentioned that.

You keep talking about your responses to her inquiries, but not how you reciprocate to show interest in her or her life. Maybe the conversations end because you’re only talking about yourself?

[Anonymous]

OP, I notice when one of these PPs makes a good point, you focus on the one point where the person’s behavior puzzles you. You seem to insist on not understanding your acquaintance, and almost insist that you have no role in her reactions.

Basically it doesn’t sound like you’re empathizing with her—you almost take what your acquaintance says and make it about you.

Anyways it sounds like you should leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t like you. It sounds like she mostly doesn’t respond to what you say, that’s not being negative.

Sorry she’s just not your biggest fan. Sounds like you don’t like her either so win win.

[Anonymous]

Why do you engage with people who aren't happy for you when you share good news? She is not your friend. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you engage with people who aren't happy for you when you share good news? She is not your friend. Move on.

OP.
Because whenever we go out for a meal with our group of mutual friends, she's there. The last time we all went out for dinner she was sitting opposite me and I felt awkward.
We were cordial, I asked her a few questions but the conversation didn't really flow. She didn't ask me any questions and we then started talking to other people at the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s just not that into you, sunshine. In fact she likely finds you annoying and she is really being very polite by not pointing that out. Why are you trying so hard to befriend her? Is she wealthy? Connected?

This is OP. No, not wealthy and not 'connected'. It appears she has a lot of local friends. She's a lot more lively and chatty with our mutual friends than with us. Maybe this is because the majority of mutual friends are in her hobby groups (she's in 3 or 4) and we're not.
We haven't done anything wrong.

You say she is in 3 or 4 hobby groups or community groups. She has probably made enough friends with shared interests, and she sees you as a casual acquaintance, nothing more.

Do you have anything in common with her? Do you share any hobbies?

[Anonymous]

Let it go.

You don't understand her behavior, or find it particularly appealing.

She doesn't seem to find you particularly appealing.

You both make an effort to be cordial.

That can be enough. Just let it go. Some people are meant to be friends, and some aren't. That can be a sufficient answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, I don't know anyone that enjoyed wedding planning...

I am OP.
I loved the planning of our own wedding. We got married 10 months after DH popped the question and we did all the work with no stress.
I should have become a wedding planner LOL.

That may be but I’m not sure why you would shove this in the face of someone who has obviously had a rougher life than you.