Friend turns something positive into something negative - how to respond?

[Anonymous]

This is about a friends relationship, not a family member.

Friend/acquaintance in question is 62. I am mid 50s.

We've known each other for 17 years but we're not close. DH and I are in friend's circle and we have many mutual local friends.

I started noticing that whenever I see her in person and I mention that something positive or happy has happened in my life, she kind of turns it into a negative. I don't know any other way of describing it.

I tell her I went for a walk in the local park and how lucky we (= residents) are to have such a beautiful park. Silence.

DH and I are going on vacation. She asks where, I tell her X, she ends the conversation abruptly and quickly says she has to go.

One of her adult daughters is getting married. I said I really enjoyed organizing our wedding (I did), it was amazing and I would do it all over again.
She said rather bluntly: well I WOULDN'T! End of conversation.
From things she said over the years we understand that she's still mad with her ex-husband.

There are more examples. I try to see the positive things in life, and I find negative people draining.

Also any ouvertures initiated by me to get together are usually ignored.

Maybe I should keep my mouth shut, nod and walk on by next time I see her.

[Anonymous]

If you are not close and you don't enjoy her company, she is not a friend. Why are you trying to get together? If you are in a group and she is part of it, just be polite in the group. You aren't going to change her.

[Anonymous]

Well she sounds like a debbie downer but with that said when people are too overly happy 24/7 it seems fake to some peple as well. Maybe you two aren't a match anymore.

[Anonymous]

Remember to be sensitive about her circumstances: if you systematically “boast” (that’s how she interprets you) about things she didn’t/doesn’t have, you’re going to come across as really annoying.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she doesn’t like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are not close and you don't enjoy her company, she is not a friend. Why are you trying to get together? If you are in a group and she is part of it, just be polite in the group. You aren't going to change her.

I tried to get together one on one a few times so we could get to know each other better, but she usually ignores my texts. That said, my DH and I have got together with her on a few occasions for a meal, but only in a group situation, or with one or two other couples.

She's friendly enough with our mutual friends though.

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t seem like she’s actually a friend. Keep it friendly when you see her but no need to offer any information up about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, I don't know anyone that enjoyed wedding planning...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember to be sensitive about her circumstances: if you systematically “boast” (that’s how she interprets you) about things she didn’t/doesn’t have, you’re going to come across as really annoying.

Also the wedding conversation. If she was talking about how much goes in to planning a wedding and that maybe she’s not enjoying it, and you just pipe in with how much you loved it and how great you are at it, she’s not going to respond well. Sounds like neither of you like each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember to be sensitive about her circumstances: if you systematically “boast” (that’s how she interprets you) about things she didn’t/doesn’t have, you’re going to come across as really annoying.

I don't think I was boasting. I saw her in a local store, we started chatting, she asked me what we were up to. I very briefly told her about some difficult stuff going on at my work as a result of the pandemic (I am careful not to drone on about work, it's boring for others).
DH and I were going on vacation the next week and I also mentioned that.

[Anonymous]

Most of those examples were of her not responding. I’m bot sure I’d characterize that as turning a positive into a negative. More like she doesn’tvreally have anything to say to you.

[Anonymous]

Just talk about negative things with her, OP. Like how expensive everything is now, disappointing children and extended family members. She'll come around.

Or...you could simply stop trying to be her friend. You're not a good fit and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just talk about negative things with her, OP. Like how expensive everything is now, disappointing children and extended family members. She'll come around.

Or...you could simply stop trying to be her friend. You're not a good fit and vice versa.

Might be better to compliment your friend and see how she responds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously, I don't know anyone that enjoyed wedding planning...

I am OP.
I loved the planning of our own wedding. We got married 10 months after DH popped the question and we did all the work with no stress.
I should have become a wedding planner LOL.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to respond or do anything? Just carry on as usual. Nothing for you to do here, you only see her in groups; don’t pay too much attention to her or how she is responding to you. Do you tend to overanalyze things or have anxiety? Because I’m not really sure why this is a big deal since you aren’t close.