Custody Schedule - School year vs. Summer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

All you said is a school "documented" a "disability." That's not a diagnosis, unless I missed something.

And yes, we know you think it makes sense. You've been very clear about the fact that this is what you want to have happen. But your problem is your ex doesn't agree. Understandably so. And so you have to spend a lot of money to make this happen, it will be contentious (affecting your child's mental health and behavior) and you very well may lose.

I'm curious -- what did your laywers tell you when you asked them? Because I get the sense that they said something similar to what I'm saying and you don't like it or you wouldn't be trying to find anecdotal evidence to the contrary here.

The child has a diagnosis and an IEP. My lawyer said I have a good chance due to all the evidence I have and the patterns the other parent has engaged in (also evidence unrelated to the diagnosis), but of course that there isn't a way to be 100% certain with how a judge will rule. The lawyer has also stated that the other parent is not one who will negotiate or settle, so trial is going to be an unfortunate necessity.

You need to consider the impact of that on your child. Also, judges are not fond of informal arrangements, so saying things like you'd be flexible on after-school visits and whatnot isn't going to fly in court. From a judge's perspective, you're effectively trying to cut one parent out of the child's life for 10 months of the year in a formal arrangement. If the other parent wants to be involved, that's going to be a very hard thing to overcome and you will have to fight nasty in court. What impact will THAT have on the child to be put in the middle? Talk about the behavioral problems THAT might cause.

The other parent is cut out of the other child's life. We have a weekday after school visit currently that is scheduled. That can be increased to two per week if the other parent wants it, although I have offered it and they haven't wanted to.

Now I'm confused as you indicated you had a 50/50 arrangement in place now that you wanted to change.

Ok, that changes my feedback somewhat. I thought you were trying to change a 50/50 status quo, which would be harder than getting something set at the onset. That said, it also probably changes the feedback of others' as well as getting that documentation about school behavior problems during time spent with the other parent will be harder or less convincing since presumably there's less of it. It's one thing to be able to document an entire school year of problems and the kid's in the principal's office every time s/he is with the other parent, but from the sound of it that's not what you have.

Also, a case could be made that one week-on, one-week on may be less disruptive from a transition standpoint once the child gets accustomed to it and that you should give it a chance to work. I wonder if you can really make a case that being with the other parent is disruptive if there isn't a sustained amount of time spent there -- if anything, a judge may rule for 50/50 to give stability a better chance. Also, as your child ages and matures it may be less of an issue.

If the other parent wants 50/50, IMO, you have an obligation to give that a go. You seem to be more anticipating problems and control your child's access to and interactions with the other parent.

There are other factors involved, such as the fact that the other parent doesn't have financial stability. They struggle with maintaining a job and paying debt (there is a record of judgments), and thus their housing is also inconsistent. It is true that I am worrying about what could happen because things are working right now with the current arrangement. I make sure our kid is taken care of in all ways and have the ability to do so, and I am also the one to encourage and facilitate the relationship with the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One little thing that can help if you have an ex who wants to be around but only for the fun stuff is to maintain control over extracurricular activities. You get to schedule a certain amount of extracurricular activities per year - you pick them and pay for them. Pick up time on his parenting days is after the activities end. This way, kid comes home to your house after school. You get homework done and touch base with your kid. This is especially helpful for kids on an IEP. You get kid on time to extracurricular activities. Pickup time for ex is after the conclusion of the extracurricular activities. This little change solved so many problems for me. Language in parenting agreement is very clear that the extracurricular activities take precedent over both parents' parenting time, meaning if kid has as soccer tournament in another state and your ex can't be bothered to take kid on his parenting time, then you get to take kid and ex loses the time. This one change helped me get my kid in a much better place academically and keep him there over the years and it allowed kid to participate in sports, which are really important to kid, especially now. Ex still feels like he has 50/50 parenting time, but it's not even close to that in reality, although it's enough for kid and for ex.

That is helpful!

I'm curious - is your ex able to keep up with taking care of your child? Mine struggles to do things like get the kid to school on time, pack a lunch, keep them in uniform, bathing and grooming, etc. This has caused a lot of issues already even with my ex only having to send the kid to school 2-3 times per month.

PP here. No, ex can't keep up with taking care of our child. Ex and kid both have ADHD. It has gotten better over the years, primarily because kid comes home everyday after school now, so we have a habit of brushing teeth right after school everyday. I assume kid doesn't bath or shower at ex's house but try not to make a big deal of it and just make sure we keep his haircut short and shower everyday here. Apple watches help (yes, it is plural - I assume we'll lose 2 to 3 a year at ex's house) because he can call or text me from school now if he needs something. I buy at least two uniforms for every sport so I have one as a backup. I have to take the high road all the time, pay for everything, go to ex's house 30 minutes away to pick up things kid leaves there but needs for school or a sport, and be ready at all times to do things on his parenting time for our kid because he'll drop out at the last minute. I no longer even give him a hard time about anymore. The main thing for me was to structure our parenting time in a way that made him feel like he got what he wanted, but gave me control over the things I care most about.

Is your income higher or do you pay for everything out of child support?

Just because he doesn't do it your way doesn't mean it's wrong. Most of this sounds like normal teen issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

No, it doesn't make it relevant. You have to prove the parent is unfit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you take the less time and give the other parent the more time. Child can live with the ex if you think that is important. Problem solved. Seeing your kid every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer is not parenting. How would you feel if your ex insisted child only live with them and you get every other weekend and maybe a phone call or visit in between? How do you think the child may feel having their parent taken away?

The child has an increase in behavior issues at school when with the other parent and the living situation with the other parent isn't the best. The other parent's work schedule also makes it difficult for them to care for the child during the school week. I don't mind us having flexibility with seeing the child in between weekends (I wrote that in the post).

OP, document the behavior issues at school on a calendar that also tracks time with the other parent. I have seen that be persuasive to a judge in a custody dispute.

Or, maybe the child is having behavioral issues because of when this parent is parenting. Or the conflict between the parents as OP is alienating the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

All you said is a school "documented" a "disability." That's not a diagnosis, unless I missed something.

And yes, we know you think it makes sense. You've been very clear about the fact that this is what you want to have happen. But your problem is your ex doesn't agree. Understandably so. And so you have to spend a lot of money to make this happen, it will be contentious (affecting your child's mental health and behavior) and you very well may lose.

I'm curious -- what did your laywers tell you when you asked them? Because I get the sense that they said something similar to what I'm saying and you don't like it or you wouldn't be trying to find anecdotal evidence to the contrary here.

The child has a diagnosis and an IEP. My lawyer said I have a good chance due to all the evidence I have and the patterns the other parent has engaged in (also evidence unrelated to the diagnosis), but of course that there isn't a way to be 100% certain with how a judge will rule. The lawyer has also stated that the other parent is not one who will negotiate or settle, so trial is going to be an unfortunate necessity.

You need to consider the impact of that on your child. Also, judges are not fond of informal arrangements, so saying things like you'd be flexible on after-school visits and whatnot isn't going to fly in court. From a judge's perspective, you're effectively trying to cut one parent out of the child's life for 10 months of the year in a formal arrangement. If the other parent wants to be involved, that's going to be a very hard thing to overcome and you will have to fight nasty in court. What impact will THAT have on the child to be put in the middle? Talk about the behavioral problems THAT might cause.

The other parent is cut out of the other child's life. We have a weekday after school visit currently that is scheduled. That can be increased to two per week if the other parent wants it, although I have offered it and they haven't wanted to.

Now I'm confused as you indicated you had a 50/50 arrangement in place now that you wanted to change.

Ok, that changes my feedback somewhat. I thought you were trying to change a 50/50 status quo, which would be harder than getting something set at the onset. That said, it also probably changes the feedback of others' as well as getting that documentation about school behavior problems during time spent with the other parent will be harder or less convincing since presumably there's less of it. It's one thing to be able to document an entire school year of problems and the kid's in the principal's office every time s/he is with the other parent, but from the sound of it that's not what you have.

Also, a case could be made that one week-on, one-week on may be less disruptive from a transition standpoint once the child gets accustomed to it and that you should give it a chance to work. I wonder if you can really make a case that being with the other parent is disruptive if there isn't a sustained amount of time spent there -- if anything, a judge may rule for 50/50 to give stability a better chance. Also, as your child ages and matures it may be less of an issue.

If the other parent wants 50/50, IMO, you have an obligation to give that a go. You seem to be more anticipating problems and control your child's access to and interactions with the other parent.

There are other factors involved, such as the fact that the other parent doesn't have financial stability. They struggle with maintaining a job and paying debt (there is a record of judgments), and thus their housing is also inconsistent. It is true that I am worrying about what could happen because things are working right now with the current arrangement. I make sure our kid is taken care of in all ways and have the ability to do so, and I am also the one to encourage and facilitate the relationship with the other parent.

Believe it or not, most of what you said has no bearing on child custody. It's not like judges strip parents living in homeless shelters of custody. And financial stability isn't a thing -- although maybe you might owe some child support to help provide a more stable environment at the other parent's home if your incomes are that disparate.

Or is that what you're really trying to avoid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One little thing that can help if you have an ex who wants to be around but only for the fun stuff is to maintain control over extracurricular activities. You get to schedule a certain amount of extracurricular activities per year - you pick them and pay for them. Pick up time on his parenting days is after the activities end. This way, kid comes home to your house after school. You get homework done and touch base with your kid. This is especially helpful for kids on an IEP. You get kid on time to extracurricular activities. Pickup time for ex is after the conclusion of the extracurricular activities. This little change solved so many problems for me. Language in parenting agreement is very clear that the extracurricular activities take precedent over both parents' parenting time, meaning if kid has as soccer tournament in another state and your ex can't be bothered to take kid on his parenting time, then you get to take kid and ex loses the time. This one change helped me get my kid in a much better place academically and keep him there over the years and it allowed kid to participate in sports, which are really important to kid, especially now. Ex still feels like he has 50/50 parenting time, but it's not even close to that in reality, although it's enough for kid and for ex.

That is helpful!

I'm curious - is your ex able to keep up with taking care of your child? Mine struggles to do things like get the kid to school on time, pack a lunch, keep them in uniform, bathing and grooming, etc. This has caused a lot of issues already even with my ex only having to send the kid to school 2-3 times per month.

PP here. No, ex can't keep up with taking care of our child. Ex and kid both have ADHD. It has gotten better over the years, primarily because kid comes home everyday after school now, so we have a habit of brushing teeth right after school everyday. I assume kid doesn't bath or shower at ex's house but try not to make a big deal of it and just make sure we keep his haircut short and shower everyday here. Apple watches help (yes, it is plural - I assume we'll lose 2 to 3 a year at ex's house) because he can call or text me from school now if he needs something. I buy at least two uniforms for every sport so I have one as a backup. I have to take the high road all the time, pay for everything, go to ex's house 30 minutes away to pick up things kid leaves there but needs for school or a sport, and be ready at all times to do things on his parenting time for our kid because he'll drop out at the last minute. I no longer even give him a hard time about anymore. The main thing for me was to structure our parenting time in a way that made him feel like he got what he wanted, but gave me control over the things I care most about.

Is your income higher or do you pay for everything out of child support?

Just because he doesn't do it your way doesn't mean it's wrong. Most of this sounds like normal teen issues.

pp here. The child is apparently 6.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

All you said is a school "documented" a "disability." That's not a diagnosis, unless I missed something.

And yes, we know you think it makes sense. You've been very clear about the fact that this is what you want to have happen. But your problem is your ex doesn't agree. Understandably so. And so you have to spend a lot of money to make this happen, it will be contentious (affecting your child's mental health and behavior) and you very well may lose.

I'm curious -- what did your laywers tell you when you asked them? Because I get the sense that they said something similar to what I'm saying and you don't like it or you wouldn't be trying to find anecdotal evidence to the contrary here.

The child has a diagnosis and an IEP. My lawyer said I have a good chance due to all the evidence I have and the patterns the other parent has engaged in (also evidence unrelated to the diagnosis), but of course that there isn't a way to be 100% certain with how a judge will rule. The lawyer has also stated that the other parent is not one who will negotiate or settle, so trial is going to be an unfortunate necessity.

You need to consider the impact of that on your child. Also, judges are not fond of informal arrangements, so saying things like you'd be flexible on after-school visits and whatnot isn't going to fly in court. From a judge's perspective, you're effectively trying to cut one parent out of the child's life for 10 months of the year in a formal arrangement. If the other parent wants to be involved, that's going to be a very hard thing to overcome and you will have to fight nasty in court. What impact will THAT have on the child to be put in the middle? Talk about the behavioral problems THAT might cause.

The other parent is cut out of the other child's life. We have a weekday after school visit currently that is scheduled. That can be increased to two per week if the other parent wants it, although I have offered it and they haven't wanted to.

Now I'm confused as you indicated you had a 50/50 arrangement in place now that you wanted to change.

Ok, that changes my feedback somewhat. I thought you were trying to change a 50/50 status quo, which would be harder than getting something set at the onset. That said, it also probably changes the feedback of others' as well as getting that documentation about school behavior problems during time spent with the other parent will be harder or less convincing since presumably there's less of it. It's one thing to be able to document an entire school year of problems and the kid's in the principal's office every time s/he is with the other parent, but from the sound of it that's not what you have.

Also, a case could be made that one week-on, one-week on may be less disruptive from a transition standpoint once the child gets accustomed to it and that you should give it a chance to work. I wonder if you can really make a case that being with the other parent is disruptive if there isn't a sustained amount of time spent there -- if anything, a judge may rule for 50/50 to give stability a better chance. Also, as your child ages and matures it may be less of an issue.

If the other parent wants 50/50, IMO, you have an obligation to give that a go. You seem to be more anticipating problems and control your child's access to and interactions with the other parent.

There are other factors involved, such as the fact that the other parent doesn't have financial stability. They struggle with maintaining a job and paying debt (there is a record of judgments), and thus their housing is also inconsistent. It is true that I am worrying about what could happen because things are working right now with the current arrangement. I make sure our kid is taken care of in all ways and have the ability to do so, and I am also the one to encourage and facilitate the relationship with the other parent.

Believe it or not, most of what you said has no bearing on child custody. It's not like judges strip parents living in homeless shelters of custody. And financial stability isn't a thing -- although maybe you might owe some child support to help provide a more stable environment at the other parent's home if your incomes are that disparate.

Or is that what you're really trying to avoid?

I don't know of any of the other parent's income information (they haven't provided it) so I don't know if I would owe child support. All I'm trying to do is make sure our child is taken care of in all ways so that they can be successful and continue to show progress in regard to their disability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you take the less time and give the other parent the more time. Child can live with the ex if you think that is important. Problem solved. Seeing your kid every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer is not parenting. How would you feel if your ex insisted child only live with them and you get every other weekend and maybe a phone call or visit in between? How do you think the child may feel having their parent taken away?

The child has an increase in behavior issues at school when with the other parent and the living situation with the other parent isn't the best. The other parent's work schedule also makes it difficult for them to care for the child during the school week. I don't mind us having flexibility with seeing the child in between weekends (I wrote that in the post).

OP, document the behavior issues at school on a calendar that also tracks time with the other parent. I have seen that be persuasive to a judge in a custody dispute.

Or, maybe the child is having behavioral issues because of when this parent is parenting. Or the conflict between the parents as OP is alienating the child.

The child was diagnosed before we separated, and the issues have improved greatly since I become the primary custodial parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

All you said is a school "documented" a "disability." That's not a diagnosis, unless I missed something.

And yes, we know you think it makes sense. You've been very clear about the fact that this is what you want to have happen. But your problem is your ex doesn't agree. Understandably so. And so you have to spend a lot of money to make this happen, it will be contentious (affecting your child's mental health and behavior) and you very well may lose.

I'm curious -- what did your laywers tell you when you asked them? Because I get the sense that they said something similar to what I'm saying and you don't like it or you wouldn't be trying to find anecdotal evidence to the contrary here.

The child has a diagnosis and an IEP. My lawyer said I have a good chance due to all the evidence I have and the patterns the other parent has engaged in (also evidence unrelated to the diagnosis), but of course that there isn't a way to be 100% certain with how a judge will rule. The lawyer has also stated that the other parent is not one who will negotiate or settle, so trial is going to be an unfortunate necessity.

You need to consider the impact of that on your child. Also, judges are not fond of informal arrangements, so saying things like you'd be flexible on after-school visits and whatnot isn't going to fly in court. From a judge's perspective, you're effectively trying to cut one parent out of the child's life for 10 months of the year in a formal arrangement. If the other parent wants to be involved, that's going to be a very hard thing to overcome and you will have to fight nasty in court. What impact will THAT have on the child to be put in the middle? Talk about the behavioral problems THAT might cause.

The other parent is cut out of the other child's life. We have a weekday after school visit currently that is scheduled. That can be increased to two per week if the other parent wants it, although I have offered it and they haven't wanted to.

Now I'm confused as you indicated you had a 50/50 arrangement in place now that you wanted to change.

Ok, that changes my feedback somewhat. I thought you were trying to change a 50/50 status quo, which would be harder than getting something set at the onset. That said, it also probably changes the feedback of others' as well as getting that documentation about school behavior problems during time spent with the other parent will be harder or less convincing since presumably there's less of it. It's one thing to be able to document an entire school year of problems and the kid's in the principal's office every time s/he is with the other parent, but from the sound of it that's not what you have.

Also, a case could be made that one week-on, one-week on may be less disruptive from a transition standpoint once the child gets accustomed to it and that you should give it a chance to work. I wonder if you can really make a case that being with the other parent is disruptive if there isn't a sustained amount of time spent there -- if anything, a judge may rule for 50/50 to give stability a better chance. Also, as your child ages and matures it may be less of an issue.

If the other parent wants 50/50, IMO, you have an obligation to give that a go. You seem to be more anticipating problems and control your child's access to and interactions with the other parent.

There are other factors involved, such as the fact that the other parent doesn't have financial stability. They struggle with maintaining a job and paying debt (there is a record of judgments), and thus their housing is also inconsistent. It is true that I am worrying about what could happen because things are working right now with the current arrangement. I make sure our kid is taken care of in all ways and have the ability to do so, and I am also the one to encourage and facilitate the relationship with the other parent.

Believe it or not, most of what you said has no bearing on child custody. It's not like judges strip parents living in homeless shelters of custody. And financial stability isn't a thing -- although maybe you might owe some child support to help provide a more stable environment at the other parent's home if your incomes are that disparate.

Or is that what you're really trying to avoid?

I don't know of any of the other parent's income information (they haven't provided it) so I don't know if I would owe child support. All I'm trying to do is make sure our child is taken care of in all ways so that they can be successful and continue to show progress in regard to their disability.

You haven't even done disclosures yet? What stage of the divorce process or separation process are you in, exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One little thing that can help if you have an ex who wants to be around but only for the fun stuff is to maintain control over extracurricular activities. You get to schedule a certain amount of extracurricular activities per year - you pick them and pay for them. Pick up time on his parenting days is after the activities end. This way, kid comes home to your house after school. You get homework done and touch base with your kid. This is especially helpful for kids on an IEP. You get kid on time to extracurricular activities. Pickup time for ex is after the conclusion of the extracurricular activities. This little change solved so many problems for me. Language in parenting agreement is very clear that the extracurricular activities take precedent over both parents' parenting time, meaning if kid has as soccer tournament in another state and your ex can't be bothered to take kid on his parenting time, then you get to take kid and ex loses the time. This one change helped me get my kid in a much better place academically and keep him there over the years and it allowed kid to participate in sports, which are really important to kid, especially now. Ex still feels like he has 50/50 parenting time, but it's not even close to that in reality, although it's enough for kid and for ex.

That is helpful!

I'm curious - is your ex able to keep up with taking care of your child? Mine struggles to do things like get the kid to school on time, pack a lunch, keep them in uniform, bathing and grooming, etc. This has caused a lot of issues already even with my ex only having to send the kid to school 2-3 times per month.

PP here. No, ex can't keep up with taking care of our child. Ex and kid both have ADHD. It has gotten better over the years, primarily because kid comes home everyday after school now, so we have a habit of brushing teeth right after school everyday. I assume kid doesn't bath or shower at ex's house but try not to make a big deal of it and just make sure we keep his haircut short and shower everyday here. Apple watches help (yes, it is plural - I assume we'll lose 2 to 3 a year at ex's house) because he can call or text me from school now if he needs something. I buy at least two uniforms for every sport so I have one as a backup. I have to take the high road all the time, pay for everything, go to ex's house 30 minutes away to pick up things kid leaves there but needs for school or a sport, and be ready at all times to do things on his parenting time for our kid because he'll drop out at the last minute. I no longer even give him a hard time about anymore. The main thing for me was to structure our parenting time in a way that made him feel like he got what he wanted, but gave me control over the things I care most about.

Is your income higher or do you pay for everything out of child support?

Just because he doesn't do it your way doesn't mean it's wrong. Most of this sounds like normal teen issues.

PP. I let him lie about his income (owns his own business, claimed his income took an extreme dive in the years after our divorce, but failed to respond to any discovery - I just let him lie) so that no one pays child support, and I agreed to pay for everything for our child. I still make enough to pay for everything, so I decided early on to prioritize what was best for kid over money. These look like normal teen issues because I structured our parenting agreement in a way to give our kid a normal teen life. It is the best I could have hoped for. Our kid is kind, thoughtful, has a solid group of friends, is getting good grades and plays on a top travel team in his sport in spite of a broken home and ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

No, it doesn't make it relevant. You have to prove the parent is unfit.

I'll choose to follow the advice of my lawyer who says you have to focus on the needs of the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

All you said is a school "documented" a "disability." That's not a diagnosis, unless I missed something.

And yes, we know you think it makes sense. You've been very clear about the fact that this is what you want to have happen. But your problem is your ex doesn't agree. Understandably so. And so you have to spend a lot of money to make this happen, it will be contentious (affecting your child's mental health and behavior) and you very well may lose.

I'm curious -- what did your laywers tell you when you asked them? Because I get the sense that they said something similar to what I'm saying and you don't like it or you wouldn't be trying to find anecdotal evidence to the contrary here.

The child has a diagnosis and an IEP. My lawyer said I have a good chance due to all the evidence I have and the patterns the other parent has engaged in (also evidence unrelated to the diagnosis), but of course that there isn't a way to be 100% certain with how a judge will rule. The lawyer has also stated that the other parent is not one who will negotiate or settle, so trial is going to be an unfortunate necessity.

You need to consider the impact of that on your child. Also, judges are not fond of informal arrangements, so saying things like you'd be flexible on after-school visits and whatnot isn't going to fly in court. From a judge's perspective, you're effectively trying to cut one parent out of the child's life for 10 months of the year in a formal arrangement. If the other parent wants to be involved, that's going to be a very hard thing to overcome and you will have to fight nasty in court. What impact will THAT have on the child to be put in the middle? Talk about the behavioral problems THAT might cause.

The other parent is cut out of the other child's life. We have a weekday after school visit currently that is scheduled. That can be increased to two per week if the other parent wants it, although I have offered it and they haven't wanted to.

Now I'm confused as you indicated you had a 50/50 arrangement in place now that you wanted to change.

Ok, that changes my feedback somewhat. I thought you were trying to change a 50/50 status quo, which would be harder than getting something set at the onset. That said, it also probably changes the feedback of others' as well as getting that documentation about school behavior problems during time spent with the other parent will be harder or less convincing since presumably there's less of it. It's one thing to be able to document an entire school year of problems and the kid's in the principal's office every time s/he is with the other parent, but from the sound of it that's not what you have.

Also, a case could be made that one week-on, one-week on may be less disruptive from a transition standpoint once the child gets accustomed to it and that you should give it a chance to work. I wonder if you can really make a case that being with the other parent is disruptive if there isn't a sustained amount of time spent there -- if anything, a judge may rule for 50/50 to give stability a better chance. Also, as your child ages and matures it may be less of an issue.

If the other parent wants 50/50, IMO, you have an obligation to give that a go. You seem to be more anticipating problems and control your child's access to and interactions with the other parent.

There are other factors involved, such as the fact that the other parent doesn't have financial stability. They struggle with maintaining a job and paying debt (there is a record of judgments), and thus their housing is also inconsistent. It is true that I am worrying about what could happen because things are working right now with the current arrangement. I make sure our kid is taken care of in all ways and have the ability to do so, and I am also the one to encourage and facilitate the relationship with the other parent.

Believe it or not, most of what you said has no bearing on child custody. It's not like judges strip parents living in homeless shelters of custody. And financial stability isn't a thing -- although maybe you might owe some child support to help provide a more stable environment at the other parent's home if your incomes are that disparate.

Or is that what you're really trying to avoid?

I don't know of any of the other parent's income information (they haven't provided it) so I don't know if I would owe child support. All I'm trying to do is make sure our child is taken care of in all ways so that they can be successful and continue to show progress in regard to their disability.

You haven't even done disclosures yet? What stage of the divorce process or separation process are you in, exactly?

Paperwork has been filed and mediation has begun, but trial hasn't been set yet.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t the adults switch houses? Might be less disruptive for the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t the adults switch houses? Might be less disruptive for the child.

That would cause so many issues I can't even think through it. Besides, the other parent lives with roommates.

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Anonymous wrote:In my experience kids tend to really really hate this kind of schedule if the summer parent doesn't live in the area.

In a divorce you so often have to choose between two less than ideal options. This is one of those times.

My guess is if the other parent doesn't live in the area, this entire discussion is moot. Implied in the scenario is the other parent lives close enough for the child to go to the same school. OP just wants the child to wake up in the same place every day.

Ultimately, this isn't likely to be granted by a judge. You can spend a lot of money trying to make it happen but I suspect it will be futile.

Why not? There is DC case law supporting it when there is a documented diagnosis that shows the child is negatively affected by transition, which shows the benefit of an every other weekend schedule. I am trying to go beyond that and offer additional time, so I thought maybe the summer idea would work.

If a kid struggles with transitions, big ones, like moving from one house to another for months at a time, are going to be really hard.

Do you have evidence that your kid has trouble with the 50/50? Have you tried it for a couple years and now you want a change? Because in my experience the kids whose parents have 50/50 custody with one week on and one week of, for example, get used to the transitions, but the kids who make these huge transitions struggle every time, and they end up struggling at the start of the year, when they're trying to remember and reestablish routines at home at the exact same time they're building a lot of routines at school.

I'm speaking as a parent with a different custody schedule that's neither this nor 50/50, so I know that 50/50 isn't right for everyone, but also as a special ed teacher who has seen a lot of kids over the years.

I have been the primary custodial parent, and the arrangement is working and our child is doing so much better in school now as a result of me being the primary custodial parent. The other parent simply doesn't want to sign a permanent custody agreement to keep this arrangement, so I'm trying to think of other solutions that would work, and this is the best I could think of. I do agree that maybe that time apart in the summer would not be good for our child.

What were you doing before you became the primary custodial parent? When you say he/she's doing better, better than what?