Custody Schedule - School year vs. Summer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was wondering if any of you have successfully agreed to or had a judge rule on a custody schedule where the child has a primary residence during the school year with one parent and then the other parent gets primary custody over the summer? In this scenario, the non-primary parent would still have every other weekend visitation. I'm thinking this would work better for my kid due to struggling with transition and needing consistency and routine due to their disability (documented by the school). The one challenge I'm running into is the other parent refuses to consider any arrangement in which there isn't an exact 50/50 physical custody split, and I know the back and forth would cause our child to have even more challenges at school. I am also open to us having flexibility with seeing our child after school, but it really works better for them when they wake up in the same place during the school week and the routine stays the same.

Can you get more equal total time if you give up every weekend during the school year + all summer and winter/spring breaks? That would be a huge sacrifice for you, but if you think it would be better for the kid, that's another possiible way to manage.

I honestly can't imagine giving up any time with my kid if I already had to share time, and I don't think my husband would either, so although I understand your pov, I also understand your ex's pov.

[Anonymous]

Switching every other weekend is still the same amount of transitions as week to week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience kids tend to really really hate this kind of schedule if the summer parent doesn't live in the area.

In a divorce you so often have to choose between two less than ideal options. This is one of those times.

My guess is if the other parent doesn't live in the area, this entire discussion is moot. Implied in the scenario is the other parent lives close enough for the child to go to the same school. OP just wants the child to wake up in the same place every day.

Ultimately, this isn't likely to be granted by a judge. You can spend a lot of money trying to make it happen but I suspect it will be futile.

Why not? There is DC case law supporting it when there is a documented diagnosis that shows the child is negatively affected by transition, which shows the benefit of an every other weekend schedule. I am trying to go beyond that and offer additional time, so I thought maybe the summer idea would work.

Documented by a school is not a "diagnosis."

Again, the only way this will potentially happen is if you fight it in court, which sounds like it will be bitter and nasty. And you may still lose. Isn't this what your attorney told you?

How old is the child? At some age (typically 13), a judge will consider a child's wishes.

But be careful you are engaging in parental alienation. Judges really look down on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience kids tend to really really hate this kind of schedule if the summer parent doesn't live in the area.

In a divorce you so often have to choose between two less than ideal options. This is one of those times.

My guess is if the other parent doesn't live in the area, this entire discussion is moot. Implied in the scenario is the other parent lives close enough for the child to go to the same school. OP just wants the child to wake up in the same place every day.

Ultimately, this isn't likely to be granted by a judge. You can spend a lot of money trying to make it happen but I suspect it will be futile.

Why not? There is DC case law supporting it when there is a documented diagnosis that shows the child is negatively affected by transition, which shows the benefit of an every other weekend schedule. I am trying to go beyond that and offer additional time, so I thought maybe the summer idea would work.

If a kid struggles with transitions, big ones, like moving from one house to another for months at a time, are going to be really hard.

Do you have evidence that your kid has trouble with the 50/50? Have you tried it for a couple years and now you want a change? Because in my experience the kids whose parents have 50/50 custody with one week on and one week of, for example, get used to the transitions, but the kids who make these huge transitions struggle every time, and they end up struggling at the start of the year, when they're trying to remember and reestablish routines at home at the exact same time they're building a lot of routines at school.

I'm speaking as a parent with a different custody schedule that's neither this nor 50/50, so I know that 50/50 isn't right for everyone, but also as a special ed teacher who has seen a lot of kids over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience kids tend to really really hate this kind of schedule if the summer parent doesn't live in the area.

In a divorce you so often have to choose between two less than ideal options. This is one of those times.

My guess is if the other parent doesn't live in the area, this entire discussion is moot. Implied in the scenario is the other parent lives close enough for the child to go to the same school. OP just wants the child to wake up in the same place every day.

Ultimately, this isn't likely to be granted by a judge. You can spend a lot of money trying to make it happen but I suspect it will be futile.

Why not? There is DC case law supporting it when there is a documented diagnosis that shows the child is negatively affected by transition, which shows the benefit of an every other weekend schedule. I am trying to go beyond that and offer additional time, so I thought maybe the summer idea would work.

Documented by a school is not a "diagnosis."

Again, the only way this will potentially happen is if you fight it in court, which sounds like it will be bitter and nasty. And you may still lose. Isn't this what your attorney told you?

Our child has a diagnosis and an IEP, I meant it is documented because it is explicitly stated in the IEP.

How old is the child? At some age (typically 13), a judge will consider a child's wishes.

But be careful you are engaging in parental alienation. Judges really look down on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

All you said is a school "documented" a "disability." That's not a diagnosis, unless I missed something.

And yes, we know you think it makes sense. You've been very clear about the fact that this is what you want to have happen. But your problem is your ex doesn't agree. Understandably so. And so you have to spend a lot of money to make this happen, it will be contentious (affecting your child's mental health and behavior) and you very well may lose.

I'm curious -- what did your laywers tell you when you asked them? Because I get the sense that they said something similar to what I'm saying and you don't like it or you wouldn't be trying to find anecdotal evidence to the contrary here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you take the less time and give the other parent the more time. Child can live with the ex if you think that is important. Problem solved. Seeing your kid every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer is not parenting. How would you feel if your ex insisted child only live with them and you get every other weekend and maybe a phone call or visit in between? How do you think the child may feel having their parent taken away?

The child has an increase in behavior issues at school when with the other parent and the living situation with the other parent isn't the best. The other parent's work schedule also makes it difficult for them to care for the child during the school week. I don't mind us having flexibility with seeing the child in between weekends (I wrote that in the post).

OP, document the behavior issues at school on a calendar that also tracks time with the other parent. I have seen that be persuasive to a judge in a custody dispute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience kids tend to really really hate this kind of schedule if the summer parent doesn't live in the area.

In a divorce you so often have to choose between two less than ideal options. This is one of those times.

My guess is if the other parent doesn't live in the area, this entire discussion is moot. Implied in the scenario is the other parent lives close enough for the child to go to the same school. OP just wants the child to wake up in the same place every day.

Ultimately, this isn't likely to be granted by a judge. You can spend a lot of money trying to make it happen but I suspect it will be futile.

Why not? There is DC case law supporting it when there is a documented diagnosis that shows the child is negatively affected by transition, which shows the benefit of an every other weekend schedule. I am trying to go beyond that and offer additional time, so I thought maybe the summer idea would work.

If a kid struggles with transitions, big ones, like moving from one house to another for months at a time, are going to be really hard.

Do you have evidence that your kid has trouble with the 50/50? Have you tried it for a couple years and now you want a change? Because in my experience the kids whose parents have 50/50 custody with one week on and one week of, for example, get used to the transitions, but the kids who make these huge transitions struggle every time, and they end up struggling at the start of the year, when they're trying to remember and reestablish routines at home at the exact same time they're building a lot of routines at school.

I'm speaking as a parent with a different custody schedule that's neither this nor 50/50, so I know that 50/50 isn't right for everyone, but also as a special ed teacher who has seen a lot of kids over the years.

I have been the primary custodial parent, and the arrangement is working and our child is doing so much better in school now as a result of me being the primary custodial parent. The other parent simply doesn't want to sign a permanent custody agreement to keep this arrangement, so I'm trying to think of other solutions that would work, and this is the best I could think of. I do agree that maybe that time apart in the summer would not be good for our child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you take the less time and give the other parent the more time. Child can live with the ex if you think that is important. Problem solved. Seeing your kid every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer is not parenting. How would you feel if your ex insisted child only live with them and you get every other weekend and maybe a phone call or visit in between? How do you think the child may feel having their parent taken away?

The child has an increase in behavior issues at school when with the other parent and the living situation with the other parent isn't the best. The other parent's work schedule also makes it difficult for them to care for the child during the school week. I don't mind us having flexibility with seeing the child in between weekends (I wrote that in the post).

OP, document the behavior issues at school on a calendar that also tracks time with the other parent. I have seen that be persuasive to a judge in a custody dispute.

Thank you! I've been doing that, and the school also has an online tracker that is helpful. Although their teacher isn't always good about uploading the incidents and instead will talk to me directly.

[Anonymous]

It is really hard to get away from 50/50 if that is what he wants. What I've seen work is a negotiated agreement involving money (ie, the parent with no parenting time effectively waives child support and agrees to pay all costs that might otherwise be shared) or you start with 50/50 and document every time he deviates from the parenting agreement, but this is a long, hard path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is really hard to get away from 50/50 if that is what he wants. What I've seen work is a negotiated agreement involving money (ie, the parent with no parenting time effectively waives child support and agrees to pay all costs that might otherwise be shared) or you start with 50/50 and document every time he deviates from the parenting agreement, but this is a long, hard path.

* the parent with parenting time waives support and assumes all costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

All you said is a school "documented" a "disability." That's not a diagnosis, unless I missed something.

And yes, we know you think it makes sense. You've been very clear about the fact that this is what you want to have happen. But your problem is your ex doesn't agree. Understandably so. And so you have to spend a lot of money to make this happen, it will be contentious (affecting your child's mental health and behavior) and you very well may lose.

I'm curious -- what did your laywers tell you when you asked them? Because I get the sense that they said something similar to what I'm saying and you don't like it or you wouldn't be trying to find anecdotal evidence to the contrary here.

The child has a diagnosis and an IEP. My lawyer said I have a good chance due to all the evidence I have and the patterns the other parent has engaged in (also evidence unrelated to the diagnosis), but of course that there isn't a way to be 100% certain with how a judge will rule. The lawyer has also stated that the other parent is not one who will negotiate or settle, so trial is going to be an unfortunate necessity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is really hard to get away from 50/50 if that is what he wants. What I've seen work is a negotiated agreement involving money (ie, the parent with no parenting time effectively waives child support and agrees to pay all costs that might otherwise be shared) or you start with 50/50 and document every time he deviates from the parenting agreement, but this is a long, hard path.

* the parent with parenting time waives support and assumes all costs.

Yes, I am willing to waive all support and assume all costs. I haven't received any child support thus far since it hasn't been ordered yet.

[Anonymous]

How old is the child?

Is the child in therapy? They should work on transitions as a part of therapy. Might be easier.