Custody Schedule - School year vs. Summer

[Anonymous]

You still haven't said what your lawyers told you about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is the child?

Is the child in therapy? They should work on transitions as a part of therapy. Might be easier.

The child is 6 and is in therapy once per week. Transitions is part of their IEP goals, so they do work on it consistently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You still haven't said what your lawyers told you about this.

Sorry never mind, i missed the post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You still haven't said what your lawyers told you about this.

I did - It's a few comments above this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

All you said is a school "documented" a "disability." That's not a diagnosis, unless I missed something.

And yes, we know you think it makes sense. You've been very clear about the fact that this is what you want to have happen. But your problem is your ex doesn't agree. Understandably so. And so you have to spend a lot of money to make this happen, it will be contentious (affecting your child's mental health and behavior) and you very well may lose.

I'm curious -- what did your laywers tell you when you asked them? Because I get the sense that they said something similar to what I'm saying and you don't like it or you wouldn't be trying to find anecdotal evidence to the contrary here.

The child has a diagnosis and an IEP. My lawyer said I have a good chance due to all the evidence I have and the patterns the other parent has engaged in (also evidence unrelated to the diagnosis), but of course that there isn't a way to be 100% certain with how a judge will rule. The lawyer has also stated that the other parent is not one who will negotiate or settle, so trial is going to be an unfortunate necessity.

You need to consider the impact of that on your child. Also, judges are not fond of informal arrangements, so saying things like you'd be flexible on after-school visits and whatnot isn't going to fly in court. From a judge's perspective, you're effectively trying to cut one parent out of the child's life for 10 months of the year in a formal arrangement. If the other parent wants to be involved, that's going to be a very hard thing to overcome and you will have to fight nasty in court. What impact will THAT have on the child to be put in the middle? Talk about the behavioral problems THAT might cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

All you said is a school "documented" a "disability." That's not a diagnosis, unless I missed something.

And yes, we know you think it makes sense. You've been very clear about the fact that this is what you want to have happen. But your problem is your ex doesn't agree. Understandably so. And so you have to spend a lot of money to make this happen, it will be contentious (affecting your child's mental health and behavior) and you very well may lose.

I'm curious -- what did your laywers tell you when you asked them? Because I get the sense that they said something similar to what I'm saying and you don't like it or you wouldn't be trying to find anecdotal evidence to the contrary here.

The child has a diagnosis and an IEP. My lawyer said I have a good chance due to all the evidence I have and the patterns the other parent has engaged in (also evidence unrelated to the diagnosis), but of course that there isn't a way to be 100% certain with how a judge will rule. The lawyer has also stated that the other parent is not one who will negotiate or settle, so trial is going to be an unfortunate necessity.

You need to consider the impact of that on your child. Also, judges are not fond of informal arrangements, so saying things like you'd be flexible on after-school visits and whatnot isn't going to fly in court. From a judge's perspective, you're effectively trying to cut one parent out of the child's life for 10 months of the year in a formal arrangement. If the other parent wants to be involved, that's going to be a very hard thing to overcome and you will have to fight nasty in court. What impact will THAT have on the child to be put in the middle? Talk about the behavioral problems THAT might cause.

The other parent is cut out of the other child's life. We have a weekday after school visit currently that is scheduled. That can be increased to two per week if the other parent wants it, although I have offered it and they haven't wanted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

All you said is a school "documented" a "disability." That's not a diagnosis, unless I missed something.

And yes, we know you think it makes sense. You've been very clear about the fact that this is what you want to have happen. But your problem is your ex doesn't agree. Understandably so. And so you have to spend a lot of money to make this happen, it will be contentious (affecting your child's mental health and behavior) and you very well may lose.

I'm curious -- what did your laywers tell you when you asked them? Because I get the sense that they said something similar to what I'm saying and you don't like it or you wouldn't be trying to find anecdotal evidence to the contrary here.

The child has a diagnosis and an IEP. My lawyer said I have a good chance due to all the evidence I have and the patterns the other parent has engaged in (also evidence unrelated to the diagnosis), but of course that there isn't a way to be 100% certain with how a judge will rule. The lawyer has also stated that the other parent is not one who will negotiate or settle, so trial is going to be an unfortunate necessity.

You need to consider the impact of that on your child. Also, judges are not fond of informal arrangements, so saying things like you'd be flexible on after-school visits and whatnot isn't going to fly in court. From a judge's perspective, you're effectively trying to cut one parent out of the child's life for 10 months of the year in a formal arrangement. If the other parent wants to be involved, that's going to be a very hard thing to overcome and you will have to fight nasty in court. What impact will THAT have on the child to be put in the middle? Talk about the behavioral problems THAT might cause.

The other parent is cut out of the other child's life. We have a weekday after school visit currently that is scheduled. That can be increased to two per week if the other parent wants it, although I have offered it and they haven't wanted to.

**isn't cut out**

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

All you said is a school "documented" a "disability." That's not a diagnosis, unless I missed something.

And yes, we know you think it makes sense. You've been very clear about the fact that this is what you want to have happen. But your problem is your ex doesn't agree. Understandably so. And so you have to spend a lot of money to make this happen, it will be contentious (affecting your child's mental health and behavior) and you very well may lose.

I'm curious -- what did your laywers tell you when you asked them? Because I get the sense that they said something similar to what I'm saying and you don't like it or you wouldn't be trying to find anecdotal evidence to the contrary here.

The child has a diagnosis and an IEP. My lawyer said I have a good chance due to all the evidence I have and the patterns the other parent has engaged in (also evidence unrelated to the diagnosis), but of course that there isn't a way to be 100% certain with how a judge will rule. The lawyer has also stated that the other parent is not one who will negotiate or settle, so trial is going to be an unfortunate necessity.

You need to consider the impact of that on your child. Also, judges are not fond of informal arrangements, so saying things like you'd be flexible on after-school visits and whatnot isn't going to fly in court. From a judge's perspective, you're effectively trying to cut one parent out of the child's life for 10 months of the year in a formal arrangement. If the other parent wants to be involved, that's going to be a very hard thing to overcome and you will have to fight nasty in court. What impact will THAT have on the child to be put in the middle? Talk about the behavioral problems THAT might cause.

The other parent is cut out of the other child's life. We have a weekday after school visit currently that is scheduled. That can be increased to two per week if the other parent wants it, although I have offered it and they haven't wanted to.

Now I'm confused as you indicated you had a 50/50 arrangement in place now that you wanted to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

All you said is a school "documented" a "disability." That's not a diagnosis, unless I missed something.

And yes, we know you think it makes sense. You've been very clear about the fact that this is what you want to have happen. But your problem is your ex doesn't agree. Understandably so. And so you have to spend a lot of money to make this happen, it will be contentious (affecting your child's mental health and behavior) and you very well may lose.

I'm curious -- what did your laywers tell you when you asked them? Because I get the sense that they said something similar to what I'm saying and you don't like it or you wouldn't be trying to find anecdotal evidence to the contrary here.

The child has a diagnosis and an IEP. My lawyer said I have a good chance due to all the evidence I have and the patterns the other parent has engaged in (also evidence unrelated to the diagnosis), but of course that there isn't a way to be 100% certain with how a judge will rule. The lawyer has also stated that the other parent is not one who will negotiate or settle, so trial is going to be an unfortunate necessity.

You need to consider the impact of that on your child. Also, judges are not fond of informal arrangements, so saying things like you'd be flexible on after-school visits and whatnot isn't going to fly in court. From a judge's perspective, you're effectively trying to cut one parent out of the child's life for 10 months of the year in a formal arrangement. If the other parent wants to be involved, that's going to be a very hard thing to overcome and you will have to fight nasty in court. What impact will THAT have on the child to be put in the middle? Talk about the behavioral problems THAT might cause.

The other parent is cut out of the other child's life. We have a weekday after school visit currently that is scheduled. That can be increased to two per week if the other parent wants it, although I have offered it and they haven't wanted to.

Now I'm confused as you indicated you had a 50/50 arrangement in place now that you wanted to change.

No, right now I am the primary custodial parent (temporary custody agreement).

[Anonymous]

One little thing that can help if you have an ex who wants to be around but only for the fun stuff is to maintain control over extracurricular activities. You get to schedule a certain amount of extracurricular activities per year - you pick them and pay for them. Pick up time on his parenting days is after the activities end. This way, kid comes home to your house after school. You get homework done and touch base with your kid. This is especially helpful for kids on an IEP. You get kid on time to extracurricular activities. Pickup time for ex is after the conclusion of the extracurricular activities. This little change solved so many problems for me. Language in parenting agreement is very clear that the extracurricular activities take precedent over both parents' parenting time, meaning if kid has as soccer tournament in another state and your ex can't be bothered to take kid on his parenting time, then you get to take kid and ex loses the time. This one change helped me get my kid in a much better place academically and keep him there over the years and it allowed kid to participate in sports, which are really important to kid, especially now. Ex still feels like he has 50/50 parenting time, but it's not even close to that in reality, although it's enough for kid and for ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One little thing that can help if you have an ex who wants to be around but only for the fun stuff is to maintain control over extracurricular activities. You get to schedule a certain amount of extracurricular activities per year - you pick them and pay for them. Pick up time on his parenting days is after the activities end. This way, kid comes home to your house after school. You get homework done and touch base with your kid. This is especially helpful for kids on an IEP. You get kid on time to extracurricular activities. Pickup time for ex is after the conclusion of the extracurricular activities. This little change solved so many problems for me. Language in parenting agreement is very clear that the extracurricular activities take precedent over both parents' parenting time, meaning if kid has as soccer tournament in another state and your ex can't be bothered to take kid on his parenting time, then you get to take kid and ex loses the time. This one change helped me get my kid in a much better place academically and keep him there over the years and it allowed kid to participate in sports, which are really important to kid, especially now. Ex still feels like he has 50/50 parenting time, but it's not even close to that in reality, although it's enough for kid and for ex.

That is helpful!

I'm curious - is your ex able to keep up with taking care of your child? Mine struggles to do things like get the kid to school on time, pack a lunch, keep them in uniform, bathing and grooming, etc. This has caused a lot of issues already even with my ex only having to send the kid to school 2-3 times per month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

All you said is a school "documented" a "disability." That's not a diagnosis, unless I missed something.

And yes, we know you think it makes sense. You've been very clear about the fact that this is what you want to have happen. But your problem is your ex doesn't agree. Understandably so. And so you have to spend a lot of money to make this happen, it will be contentious (affecting your child's mental health and behavior) and you very well may lose.

I'm curious -- what did your laywers tell you when you asked them? Because I get the sense that they said something similar to what I'm saying and you don't like it or you wouldn't be trying to find anecdotal evidence to the contrary here.

The child has a diagnosis and an IEP. My lawyer said I have a good chance due to all the evidence I have and the patterns the other parent has engaged in (also evidence unrelated to the diagnosis), but of course that there isn't a way to be 100% certain with how a judge will rule. The lawyer has also stated that the other parent is not one who will negotiate or settle, so trial is going to be an unfortunate necessity.

You need to consider the impact of that on your child. Also, judges are not fond of informal arrangements, so saying things like you'd be flexible on after-school visits and whatnot isn't going to fly in court. From a judge's perspective, you're effectively trying to cut one parent out of the child's life for 10 months of the year in a formal arrangement. If the other parent wants to be involved, that's going to be a very hard thing to overcome and you will have to fight nasty in court. What impact will THAT have on the child to be put in the middle? Talk about the behavioral problems THAT might cause.

The other parent is cut out of the other child's life. We have a weekday after school visit currently that is scheduled. That can be increased to two per week if the other parent wants it, although I have offered it and they haven't wanted to.

Now I'm confused as you indicated you had a 50/50 arrangement in place now that you wanted to change.

Ok, that changes my feedback somewhat. I thought you were trying to change a 50/50 status quo, which would be harder than getting something set at the onset. That said, it also probably changes the feedback of others' as well as getting that documentation about school behavior problems during time spent with the other parent will be harder or less convincing since presumably there's less of it. It's one thing to be able to document an entire school year of problems and the kid's in the principal's office every time s/he is with the other parent, but from the sound of it that's not what you have.

Also, a case could be made that one week-on, one-week on may be less disruptive from a transition standpoint once the child gets accustomed to it and that you should give it a chance to work. I wonder if you can really make a case that being with the other parent is disruptive if there isn't a sustained amount of time spent there -- if anything, a judge may rule for 50/50 to give stability a better chance. Also, as your child ages and matures it may be less of an issue.

If the other parent wants 50/50, IMO, you have an obligation to give that a go. You seem to be more anticipating problems and control your child's access to and interactions with the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch off full weeks. There are fewer translations.

I failed to mention in the original post that one big concern is the child has more behavior issues at school after having been with the other parent, hence why I think a school year vs. summer schedule makes sense.

The thing you have to understand is what you think makes sense doesn't really matter. Your ex clearly disagrees. And so, your choices are to basically spend lots of money suing over this, which will put your kid in the middle, and you very likely may lose.

BTW, the school "documenting" a "disability" isn't relevant to this.

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Yes, I have spoken with many lawyers. When I say it makes sense, I mean it works for the kid based on the child custody factors. And our child having a disability is especially relevant.

All you said is a school "documented" a "disability." That's not a diagnosis, unless I missed something.

And yes, we know you think it makes sense. You've been very clear about the fact that this is what you want to have happen. But your problem is your ex doesn't agree. Understandably so. And so you have to spend a lot of money to make this happen, it will be contentious (affecting your child's mental health and behavior) and you very well may lose.

I'm curious -- what did your laywers tell you when you asked them? Because I get the sense that they said something similar to what I'm saying and you don't like it or you wouldn't be trying to find anecdotal evidence to the contrary here.

The child has a diagnosis and an IEP. My lawyer said I have a good chance due to all the evidence I have and the patterns the other parent has engaged in (also evidence unrelated to the diagnosis), but of course that there isn't a way to be 100% certain with how a judge will rule. The lawyer has also stated that the other parent is not one who will negotiate or settle, so trial is going to be an unfortunate necessity.

You need to consider the impact of that on your child. Also, judges are not fond of informal arrangements, so saying things like you'd be flexible on after-school visits and whatnot isn't going to fly in court. From a judge's perspective, you're effectively trying to cut one parent out of the child's life for 10 months of the year in a formal arrangement. If the other parent wants to be involved, that's going to be a very hard thing to overcome and you will have to fight nasty in court. What impact will THAT have on the child to be put in the middle? Talk about the behavioral problems THAT might cause.

The other parent is cut out of the other child's life. We have a weekday after school visit currently that is scheduled. That can be increased to two per week if the other parent wants it, although I have offered it and they haven't wanted to.

Now I'm confused as you indicated you had a 50/50 arrangement in place now that you wanted to change.

Ok, that changes my feedback somewhat. I thought you were trying to change a 50/50 status quo, which would be harder than getting something set at the onset. That said, it also probably changes the feedback of others' as well as getting that documentation about school behavior problems during time spent with the other parent will be harder or less convincing since presumably there's less of it. It's one thing to be able to document an entire school year of problems and the kid's in the principal's office every time s/he is with the other parent, but from the sound of it that's not what you have.

Also, a case could be made that one week-on, one-week on may be less disruptive from a transition standpoint once the child gets accustomed to it and that you should give it a chance to work. I wonder if you can really make a case that being with the other parent is disruptive if there isn't a sustained amount of time spent there -- if anything, a judge may rule for 50/50 to give stability a better chance. Also, as your child ages and matures it may be less of an issue.

If the other parent wants 50/50, IMO, you have an obligation to give that a go. You seem to be more anticipating problems and control your child's access to and interactions with the other parent.

*One week on/one week off i meant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One little thing that can help if you have an ex who wants to be around but only for the fun stuff is to maintain control over extracurricular activities. You get to schedule a certain amount of extracurricular activities per year - you pick them and pay for them. Pick up time on his parenting days is after the activities end. This way, kid comes home to your house after school. You get homework done and touch base with your kid. This is especially helpful for kids on an IEP. You get kid on time to extracurricular activities. Pickup time for ex is after the conclusion of the extracurricular activities. This little change solved so many problems for me. Language in parenting agreement is very clear that the extracurricular activities take precedent over both parents' parenting time, meaning if kid has as soccer tournament in another state and your ex can't be bothered to take kid on his parenting time, then you get to take kid and ex loses the time. This one change helped me get my kid in a much better place academically and keep him there over the years and it allowed kid to participate in sports, which are really important to kid, especially now. Ex still feels like he has 50/50 parenting time, but it's not even close to that in reality, although it's enough for kid and for ex.

That is helpful!

I'm curious - is your ex able to keep up with taking care of your child? Mine struggles to do things like get the kid to school on time, pack a lunch, keep them in uniform, bathing and grooming, etc. This has caused a lot of issues already even with my ex only having to send the kid to school 2-3 times per month.

PP here. No, ex can't keep up with taking care of our child. Ex and kid both have ADHD. It has gotten better over the years, primarily because kid comes home everyday after school now, so we have a habit of brushing teeth right after school everyday. I assume kid doesn't bath or shower at ex's house but try not to make a big deal of it and just make sure we keep his haircut short and shower everyday here. Apple watches help (yes, it is plural - I assume we'll lose 2 to 3 a year at ex's house) because he can call or text me from school now if he needs something. I buy at least two uniforms for every sport so I have one as a backup. I have to take the high road all the time, pay for everything, go to ex's house 30 minutes away to pick up things kid leaves there but needs for school or a sport, and be ready at all times to do things on his parenting time for our kid because he'll drop out at the last minute. I no longer even give him a hard time about anymore. The main thing for me was to structure our parenting time in a way that made him feel like he got what he wanted, but gave me control over the things I care most about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you take the less time and give the other parent the more time. Child can live with the ex if you think that is important. Problem solved. Seeing your kid every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer is not parenting. How would you feel if your ex insisted child only live with them and you get every other weekend and maybe a phone call or visit in between? How do you think the child may feel having their parent taken away?

The child has an increase in behavior issues at school when with the other parent and the living situation with the other parent isn't the best. The other parent's work schedule also makes it difficult for them to care for the child during the school week. I don't mind us having flexibility with seeing the child in between weekends (I wrote that in the post).

The other parent can work it out and you can just see the child after school then. You are selfish to take away the other parent. And, acting generous of allowing the other parent to see the child sporadically isn't actually generous.

Is this about child support?