Parents in 70s plan trips without consulting adult children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d enjoy every minute of time you get to spend with them.

Ugh. No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d enjoy every minute of time you get to spend with them.

+1. This.

It might be difficult to hear but it doesn't last forever. Sometimes I get frustrated with my parents - my dad in particular. I will vent to my DH - who lost his father at a very young age. His response is usually, "I know that it's frustrating but focus on the fact that you can still call him and hear his voice. I'd give anything to call my father"

So I'm with PP. It's frustrating. Breathe deeply and roll with it.

You’re doormats. How sad.

If only there were a choice between “never see them” and “allow them to repeatedly barge into your home for a week with no regard for you or your schedule.” Oh, wait. Good news. There is!

And if they get mad, throw a toddler tantrum and refuse to visit with manners, that’s their choice and theirs alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d enjoy every minute of time you get to spend with them.

+1. This.

It might be difficult to hear but it doesn't last forever. Sometimes I get frustrated with my parents - my dad in particular. I will vent to my DH - who lost his father at a very young age. His response is usually, "I know that it's frustrating but focus on the fact that you can still call him and hear his voice. I'd give anything to call my father"

So I'm with PP. It's frustrating. Breathe deeply and roll with it.

Nope. Hate this attitude. "You must put up with egregious rude behavior from your mother because I don't HAVE a mother. " Just, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell them, we love you and we love to visit, but we can’t accommodate you without advance notice. I can’t let you in if you show up unannounced again.

They do provide advance notice. What they don't do is ''consult" with OP to come at a time that works for OP. Big difference.

I don’t know why you put consult in scare quotes, but that’s exactly what mature, polite adults do before inviting themselves into someone else’s home for a week.

[Anonymous]

Grandma here. I know my kids think we are a PIA sometimes. We stay in a hotel, rent a car and help out around the house. We do follow the 3 day rule. If you would like the visits to look different talk to them about it. They will probably understand. These visits also provide challenges for the grandparents. It may not always be easy but it is oh so important.

I agree with suck it up. I have serious heart issues and probably won’t live a long life. Give them the joy. You won’t regret it

[Anonymous]

Boundaries are for people who do not know how to get along with people. Use your words. It’s your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few things:
-Ignore the posters who are trying to make you feel like you need to appreciate and enjoy these visits. They do not sound enjoyable at all. You can love and appreciate your parents without being fine w them walking all over you and imposing on you.
-make some actual boundaries. tell them no and stick to it. Tell them going forward they must ask before they visit to make sure it’s a good time for you. Then if they ignore you and plan another visit without asking tell them “that time doesn’t work for us.” If they still show up at your house, tell them it’s not a good time and they cannot stay with you. Be firm. They’ll be upset but they’ll see that you mean what you say. When they are visiting and want you to give up everything (meeting up w a friend, etc) for them tell them you will not do that. And don’t! It’ll be very difficult for you but it can be done! Tell them clearly what you are able/willing to do with regards to their visits and what you are not able/willing to do. And stick w what you say. If you tell them “I can drive you to sisters house on Saturday at 8am” and they aren’t ready to go at that time tell them “this is the only time I have to do this. If you cannot leave now, you’ll have to get a ride from someone else.”

They are taking advantage of you and being very inconsiderate of you. That is not the behavior of a parent/grandparent who wants to have a good relationship w their kids/grandkids. It’s unfortunate they are putting you in this position but they are NOT going to change unless you set and actually enforce some boundaries.

Oh and the getting to the airport 7 hrs early thing is very concerning to me. My MIL has dementia and she was like that in the early stages before we knew she had dementia: she would be at everything way early or way late. She just couldn’t manage time well at all and was often confused about the timing of things, and she just lost the ability to plan ahead or figure out how much time something took, as all her executive functioning skills began to diminish. I’d look into that/ask your parents why they left so early and try to figure that out.

This. They lose their concept of time, and their night/day circadian rhythm breaks down. Look up "sundowning". Or maybe they did it to wake you up and punish you, which is so spiteful and nasty and weird that it's hard for me to believe it. Really what person in their right mind goes to the airport so far in advance?

Lack of planning and executive function skill may also be contributing to their sudden travel. They might not have the ability to plan over a 6-month period anymore.

+1
Chiming in to say that MIL had similar behavior that should have been a early clue to the onset of dementia that followed. But no one picked up on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their flight timing thing is bizarre and I would wonder if they're becoming cognitively impaired or if that's some kind of weird punishment for you. Wow they really showed you, by waiting around 6 hours in the airport for no reason!

Next time they try this, be out of town and let them tantrum all they want.

You need to learn to say no to them. Practice saying "That won't work for us." Over and over in a very flat tone. Make it as boring as you can and ignore their reaction. Don't reward them with attention. You have trained them that this behavior is acceptable and now you have to un-do it and re-train.

My parents are like this. They are obsessed with making good time at the airport and not missing their plane. They have stayed in motels next to the airport on many occasions
.

To be fair they used to live in an area with fewer flights so if you kiss your plane it might be hour or waiting til the next day to catch the next flight

[Anonymous]

You don't need to accommodate your sister's anxiety about driving in DC or your parents' guilt trips. Just say yes when something works for you, and no when it doesn't. They keep pressing because they know you will acquiesce. Stop acquiescing. Say, "I already told you that won't work for me." If they press again, say, "Nope, it's not going to work. What time do you want to reconnect?" If they press again, say, "OK, I'm leaving now, call me tomorrow when you know your plans." Then leave. That's it. You don't need their permission or blessing.

I recently taught my daughter "I'm sorry you feel that way. It wasn't my intention to make you feel X. I care about our relationship." AND THEN LEAVE/HANG UP. A manipulator is only happy if you do what they want. So you just have to give up on them being happy.

If they show up when you've told them it isn't a good time, say, "I told you this wasn't a good time. You'll have to stay somewhere else. Let me know when you're settled." Just do not budge.

My MIL pushes boundaries but she knows I am immovable. So she doesn't waste her time. But when we get the occasional manipulative text, I just don't react. Of course manipulative people will try to manipulate. Know this. Expect this. Be immovable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boundaries are for people who do not know how to get along with people. Use your words. It’s your family.

No boundaries are something that get put in place when someone ignores your words and bulldozes past them. You conveniently ignored the entire OP post that she tells them no and they show up anyway. You are the perfect example of why people have to enforce boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to accommodate your sister's anxiety about driving in DC or your parents' guilt trips. Just say yes when something works for you, and no when it doesn't. They keep pressing because they know you will acquiesce. Stop acquiescing. Say, "I already told you that won't work for me." If they press again, say, "Nope, it's not going to work. What time do you want to reconnect?" If they press again, say, "OK, I'm leaving now, call me tomorrow when you know your plans." Then leave. That's it. You don't need their permission or blessing.

I recently taught my daughter "I'm sorry you feel that way. It wasn't my intention to make you feel X. I care about our relationship." AND THEN LEAVE/HANG UP. A manipulator is only happy if you do what they want. So you just have to give up on them being happy.

If they show up when you've told them it isn't a good time, say, "I told you this wasn't a good time. You'll have to stay somewhere else. Let me know when you're settled." Just do not budge.

My MIL pushes boundaries but she knows I am immovable. So she doesn't waste her time. But when we get the occasional manipulative text, I just don't react. Of course manipulative people will try to manipulate. Know this. Expect this. Be immovable.

Best post! So accurate.

[Anonymous]

Provide them with dates and times that work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell them, we love you and we love to visit, but we can’t accommodate you without advance notice. I can’t let you in if you show up unannounced again.

They do provide advance notice. What they don't do is ''consult" with OP to come at a time that works for OP. Big difference.

I don’t know why you put consult in scare quotes, but that’s exactly what mature, polite adults do before inviting themselves into someone else’s home for a week.

It's in quotes because there is a difference between "advance notice" and "consult". You, like, OP's parents, seem to think it's the same thing. OP's parents already provide advance notice they are coming. OP wants a "consult" and subsequent agreement on the dates they will come. Instead, they provide "advance notice" and expect OP and her sister to accommodate them.

I don't know why you find quotes scary but I'm sure therapy can help with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandma here. I know my kids think we are a PIA sometimes. We stay in a hotel, rent a car and help out around the house. We do follow the 3 day rule. If you would like the visits to look different talk to them about it. They will probably understand. These visits also provide challenges for the grandparents. It may not always be easy but it is oh so important.

I agree with suck it up. I have serious heart issues and probably won’t live a long life. Give them the joy. You won’t regret it

I'm very sorry for your own health issues and wish you the best. It sounds like you handle things very differently from OP's parents. The thing is, OP DOES regret it. They way her parents are going about this is not bringing joy, it's possibly bringing her more frustration and anger than their joy.

OP, it's so hard but it's okay to set boundaries and communicate. Think of it like dealing with your kids. If they whine and whine and whine do you give in or stick to your guns? Same with your parents. "This is our decision. X works for us. Y does not."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d enjoy every minute of time you get to spend with them.

You think you would, but would realize it’s really intrusive and disrespectful, as if you’re their property and they can do whatever you want.

OP, you need to set some boundaries. Find some language that isn’t hurtful but clearly sets the boundaries you would like them to respect.

I've tried to set boundaries. Do you have suggested language like someone else suggested like "that doesn't work for our schedule"? I've said "we aren't available" or "we are not going to be home". They have come anyway, descended upon the house or kids' games, etc. or rescheduled their flights for a weekend that "works". If we say we have other plans, like we are going skiing or we are attending a friend's wedding, they will make comments about how family is more important and how do we have time for X friend but not our own mother or father?

Stop caving. So what if they guilt you? You say, "Mom, we made plans with X. We'd love to see you, but you need to make plans WITH us to make sure we don't have other commitments." And just ignore the comments. "That's why we ask you to consult us before you make plans."