Parents in 70s plan trips without consulting adult children

[Anonymous]

My parents are in their 70s. My dad still works and my mom is retired. They will frequently book plane tickets and plan week long trips to "visit" me and my sister and our children. The issue is, they don't consult with us about their plans. My sister and I live about an hour away from each other and my parents refuse to drive or rent a car. They will Uber and then complain so prefer to stay at my small DC townhouse since I'm close to DCA. Sister is an hour away in the suburbs and they prefer her large home an amenities (golf course, pool, planned community with lots of walkable shopping). My sister and I have asked our parents to not plan trips to "visit" without consulting us, but they don't care. They will get "deals" and then stay for a week or more. They expect us to wait on them hand and foot, drive them all over the DMV and for us not to do anything else separately or see other friends. For example, a friend and his family was in DC this week and we wanted to meet up. My mom acted like this was super rude. We had already made plans for his visit and then my parents booked tickets to fly her without consulting. When we changed plans to have his family over for a game night, my parents went to their room with plates of food and beers and didn't emerge until I dropped them off at the Metro. It was WEIRD. We had to spend three nights at my sister's house. I had only packed for one night, so I had to borrow clothes from my sister and do laundry. When DH and I said we were driving home and would pick them up the following day, they balked and asked to stay, then wanted to come home with us so they would be "close to the airport". I am just over it. Today they got up at 3 am and left the house at 4:30, calling me on my phone to lock the doors rather than using the code to lock the doors or having a flight later. I found out their flight was at 11:30! I live 15 minutes from DCA. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

I’d enjoy every minute of time you get to spend with them.

[Anonymous]

You need some boundaries. This is bizarre behavior on their part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d enjoy every minute of time you get to spend with them.

+1. This.

It might be difficult to hear but it doesn't last forever. Sometimes I get frustrated with my parents - my dad in particular. I will vent to my DH - who lost his father at a very young age. His response is usually, "I know that it's frustrating but focus on the fact that you can still call him and hear his voice. I'd give anything to call my father"

So I'm with PP. It's frustrating. Breathe deeply and roll with it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why you “had” to stay at your sisters. Why didn’t you drop them off, stay for dinner, and then leave, and then have your sister drop them off at your place the day before their flight? Or something like that.

Just go about your routines and do what you want. Be polite and friendly and welcoming but don’t wait on them hand and foot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d enjoy every minute of time you get to spend with them.

You think you would, but would realize it’s really intrusive and disrespectful, as if you’re their property and they can do whatever you want.

OP, you need to set some boundaries. Find some language that isn’t hurtful but clearly sets the boundaries you would like them to respect.

[Anonymous]

They have no boundaries and no respect for your time and space.

In some cultures it's the norm. I came from such a culture and find it toxic. My parents also had no respect for personal boundaries, but even they would not do something like this. They recognized that as adults, we had our own lives and if they wanted to visit, they'd check with us about schedules and logistics.

You will get push back when you enforce your boundaries. But right now they keep doing it because you and your sister allow it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you “had” to stay at your sisters. Why didn’t you drop them off, stay for dinner, and then leave, and then have your sister drop them off at your place the day before their flight? Or something like that.

Just go about your routines and do what you want. Be polite and friendly and welcoming but don’t wait on them hand and foot.

I didn't either. I said I was driving home and then my mom guilted DH and my kids (8, 6) to stay overnight again. We said okay, but that we wanted to leave by 8. At 8 am, we were all upstairs, eating breakfast with the car loaded. My parents were downstairs, fully dressed since 5 am and were asking to play games, go shopping, etc. My DH is super nice a bit of a pushover. My sister lives 45 miles away and will not drive to get parents like I would (or DH would). My parents can afford it, but balk at the price of an Uber "It's $90!". My sister hates driving in DC and rarely comes to our house on Sundays as she and her DH are really into football and spend the entire day watching games (we can do this at my house, packabut at a bar...we don't have the NFL package or cable).

[Anonymous]

Their flight timing thing is bizarre and I would wonder if they're becoming cognitively impaired or if that's some kind of weird punishment for you. Wow they really showed you, by waiting around 6 hours in the airport for no reason!

Next time they try this, be out of town and let them tantrum all they want.

You need to learn to say no to them. Practice saying "That won't work for us." Over and over in a very flat tone. Make it as boring as you can and ignore their reaction. Don't reward them with attention. You have trained them that this behavior is acceptable and now you have to un-do it and re-train.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have no boundaries and no respect for your time and space.

In some cultures it's the norm. I came from such a culture and find it toxic. My parents also had no respect for personal boundaries, but even they would not do something like this. They recognized that as adults, we had our own lives and if they wanted to visit, they'd check with us about schedules and logistics.

You will get push back when you enforce your boundaries. But right now they keep doing it because you and your sister allow it.

This. This is totally our culture and it's very toxic. I've had years of therapy and you probably don't believe it, but I have tried to set boundaries like ask my dad "why don't you call sister before you make plans?". My sister was at a work trip all week and they came anyway! That is why we went to my sister's this weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their flight timing thing is bizarre and I would wonder if they're becoming cognitively impaired or if that's some kind of weird punishment for you. Wow they really showed you, by waiting around 6 hours in the airport for no reason!

Next time they try this, be out of town and let them tantrum all they want.

You need to learn to say no to them. Practice saying "That won't work for us." Over and over in a very flat tone. Make it as boring as you can and ignore their reaction. Don't reward them with attention. You have trained them that this behavior is acceptable and now you have to un-do it and re-train.

This is really good advice. And it doesn't sound "mean". It's just the facts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you “had” to stay at your sisters. Why didn’t you drop them off, stay for dinner, and then leave, and then have your sister drop them off at your place the day before their flight? Or something like that.

Just go about your routines and do what you want. Be polite and friendly and welcoming but don’t wait on them hand and foot.

I didn't either. I said I was driving home and then my mom guilted DH and my kids (8, 6) to stay overnight again. We said okay, but that we wanted to leave by 8. At 8 am, we were all upstairs, eating breakfast with the car loaded. My parents were downstairs, fully dressed since 5 am and were asking to play games, go shopping, etc. My DH is super nice a bit of a pushover. My sister lives 45 miles away and will not drive to get parents like I would (or DH would). My parents can afford it, but balk at the price of an Uber "It's $90!". My sister hates driving in DC and rarely comes to our house on Sundays as she and her DH are really into football and spend the entire day watching games (we can do this at my house, packabut at a bar...we don't have the NFL package or cable).

Sounds like everyone here has boundaries except you and your DH, OP. Give it a try!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d enjoy every minute of time you get to spend with them.

You think you would, but would realize it’s really intrusive and disrespectful, as if you’re their property and they can do whatever you want.

OP, you need to set some boundaries. Find some language that isn’t hurtful but clearly sets the boundaries you would like them to respect.

I've tried to set boundaries. Do you have suggested language like someone else suggested like "that doesn't work for our schedule"? I've said "we aren't available" or "we are not going to be home". They have come anyway, descended upon the house or kids' games, etc. or rescheduled their flights for a weekend that "works". If we say we have other plans, like we are going skiing or we are attending a friend's wedding, they will make comments about how family is more important and how do we have time for X friend but not our own mother or father?

[Anonymous]

Agree that next time you need to be out of town as a whole family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d enjoy every minute of time you get to spend with them.

You think you would, but would realize it’s really intrusive and disrespectful, as if you’re their property and they can do whatever you want.

OP, you need to set some boundaries. Find some language that isn’t hurtful but clearly sets the boundaries you would like them to respect.

I've tried to set boundaries. Do you have suggested language like someone else suggested like "that doesn't work for our schedule"? I've said "we aren't available" or "we are not going to be home". They have come anyway, descended upon the house or kids' games, etc. or rescheduled their flights for a weekend that "works". If we say we have other plans, like we are going skiing or we are attending a friend's wedding, they will make comments about how family is more important and how do we have time for X friend but not our own mother or father?

“It seems like you’re upset, Mom. I will call back later when you’re calmer.”

That last line is just then throwing a tantrum - don’t give in!