Parents in 70s plan trips without consulting adult children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are in their 70s. My dad still works and my mom is retired. They will frequently book plane tickets and plan week long trips to "visit" me and my sister and our children. The issue is, they don't consult with us about their plans. My sister and I live about an hour away from each other and my parents refuse to drive or rent a car. They will Uber and then complain so prefer to stay at my small DC townhouse since I'm close to DCA. Sister is an hour away in the suburbs and they prefer her large home an amenities (golf course, pool, planned community with lots of walkable shopping). My sister and I have asked our parents to not plan trips to "visit" without consulting us, but they don't care. They will get "deals" and then stay for a week or more. They expect us to wait on them hand and foot, drive them all over the DMV and for us not to do anything else separately or see other friends. For example, a friend and his family was in DC this week and we wanted to meet up. My mom acted like this was super rude. We had already made plans for his visit and then my parents booked tickets to fly her without consulting. When we changed plans to have his family over for a game night, my parents went to their room with plates of food and beers and didn't emerge until I dropped them off at the Metro. It was WEIRD. We had to spend three nights at my sister's house. I had only packed for one night, so I had to borrow clothes from my sister and do laundry. When DH and I said we were driving home and would pick them up the following day, they balked and asked to stay, then wanted to come home with us so they would be "close to the airport". I am just over it. Today they got up at 3 am and left the house at 4:30, calling me on my phone to lock the doors rather than using the code to lock the doors or having a flight later. I found out their flight was at 11:30! I live 15 minutes from DCA. What would you do?

I'd learn how to use paragraphs and boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Do your parents have a key or garage code to enter your home? If so, change it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d enjoy every minute of time you get to spend with them.

You think you would, but would realize it’s really intrusive and disrespectful, as if you’re their property and they can do whatever you want.

OP, you need to set some boundaries. Find some language that isn’t hurtful but clearly sets the boundaries you would like them to respect.

I've tried to set boundaries. Do you have suggested language like someone else suggested like "that doesn't work for our schedule"? I've said "we aren't available" or "we are not going to be home". They have come anyway, descended upon the house or kids' games, etc. or rescheduled their flights for a weekend that "works". If we say we have other plans, like we are going skiing or we are attending a friend's wedding, they will make comments about how family is more important and how do we have time for X friend but not our own mother or father?

"Of course we do! But we are already booked that weekend. Can you come X weekend instead?"

[Anonymous]

A few things:
-Ignore the posters who are trying to make you feel like you need to appreciate and enjoy these visits. They do not sound enjoyable at all. You can love and appreciate your parents without being fine w them walking all over you and imposing on you.
-make some actual boundaries. tell them no and stick to it. Tell them going forward they must ask before they visit to make sure it’s a good time for you. Then if they ignore you and plan another visit without asking tell them “that time doesn’t work for us.” If they still show up at your house, tell them it’s not a good time and they cannot stay with you. Be firm. They’ll be upset but they’ll see that you mean what you say. When they are visiting and want you to give up everything (meeting up w a friend, etc) for them tell them you will not do that. And don’t! It’ll be very difficult for you but it can be done! Tell them clearly what you are able/willing to do with regards to their visits and what you are not able/willing to do. And stick w what you say. If you tell them “I can drive you to sisters house on Saturday at 8am” and they aren’t ready to go at that time tell them “this is the only time I have to do this. If you cannot leave now, you’ll have to get a ride from someone else.”

They are taking advantage of you and being very inconsiderate of you. That is not the behavior of a parent/grandparent who wants to have a good relationship w their kids/grandkids. It’s unfortunate they are putting you in this position but they are NOT going to change unless you set and actually enforce some boundaries.

Oh and the getting to the airport 7 hrs early thing is very concerning to me. My MIL has dementia and she was like that in the early stages before we knew she had dementia: she would be at everything way early or way late. She just couldn’t manage time well at all and was often confused about the timing of things, and she just lost the ability to plan ahead or figure out how much time something took, as all her executive functioning skills began to diminish. I’d look into that/ask your parents why they left so early and try to figure that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few things:
-Ignore the posters who are trying to make you feel like you need to appreciate and enjoy these visits. They do not sound enjoyable at all. You can love and appreciate your parents without being fine w them walking all over you and imposing on you.
-make some actual boundaries. tell them no and stick to it. Tell them going forward they must ask before they visit to make sure it’s a good time for you. Then if they ignore you and plan another visit without asking tell them “that time doesn’t work for us.” If they still show up at your house, tell them it’s not a good time and they cannot stay with you. Be firm. They’ll be upset but they’ll see that you mean what you say. When they are visiting and want you to give up everything (meeting up w a friend, etc) for them tell them you will not do that. And don’t! It’ll be very difficult for you but it can be done! Tell them clearly what you are able/willing to do with regards to their visits and what you are not able/willing to do. And stick w what you say. If you tell them “I can drive you to sisters house on Saturday at 8am” and they aren’t ready to go at that time tell them “this is the only time I have to do this. If you cannot leave now, you’ll have to get a ride from someone else.”

They are taking advantage of you and being very inconsiderate of you. That is not the behavior of a parent/grandparent who wants to have a good relationship w their kids/grandkids. It’s unfortunate they are putting you in this position but they are NOT going to change unless you set and actually enforce some boundaries.

Oh and the getting to the airport 7 hrs early thing is very concerning to me. My MIL has dementia and she was like that in the early stages before we knew she had dementia: she would be at everything way early or way late. She just couldn’t manage time well at all and was often confused about the timing of things, and she just lost the ability to plan ahead or figure out how much time something took, as all her executive functioning skills began to diminish. I’d look into that/ask your parents why they left so early and try to figure that out.

This. They lose their concept of time, and their night/day circadian rhythm breaks down. Look up "sundowning". Or maybe they did it to wake you up and punish you, which is so spiteful and nasty and weird that it's hard for me to believe it. Really what person in their right mind goes to the airport so far in advance?

Lack of planning and executive function skill may also be contributing to their sudden travel. They might not have the ability to plan over a 6-month period anymore.

[Anonymous]

Are your parents immigrants?

[Anonymous]

If this is new behavior, one or both of them may have dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d enjoy every minute of time you get to spend with them.

You think you would, but would realize it’s really intrusive and disrespectful, as if you’re their property and they can do whatever you want.

OP, you need to set some boundaries. Find some language that isn’t hurtful but clearly sets the boundaries you would like them to respect.

I've tried to set boundaries. Do you have suggested language like someone else suggested like "that doesn't work for our schedule"? I've said "we aren't available" or "we are not going to be home". They have come anyway, descended upon the house or kids' games, etc. or rescheduled their flights for a weekend that "works". If we say we have other plans, like we are going skiing or we are attending a friend's wedding, they will make comments about how family is more important and how do we have time for X friend but not our own mother or father?

Here's the thing about setting boundaries. There might not ever be a thing you can say that will make your parents happy about your new rules. The goal isn't "I get what I want and my parents are happy," it's "This reasonable request I made is respected, and I was polite without being a door mat." Meaning that you're allowed to say no, but you're not allowed to yell NO and then spit on them. They might not like it when you say no, and they might push back or argue that you should change your mind. They might even try to guilt trip you. That's okay. It doesn't mean you have to change your mind. When they try to get you to cancel your plans and say family is important, you could simply say something like "I agree. We'll see you soon but not that weekend," or "I agree, which is why I've asked you to include me when you plan your visits so I can help you find a time when I'm available to visit with you." You don't have to say, "You're right. I was wrong to set a boundary you disliked. Let me cancel my plans so I can cater to you and reinforce your belief that you get what you want every time."

You said your sister doesn't drive them back and forth to your home or shuttle them around to all their destinations. What happened when she said no? Why can't you do that too?

Your parents are extremely rude. They're breaking all sorts of rules and being disrespectful af. But you're letting them. They're probably not ever going to thank you for setting a boundary with them, but there's really no reason for you to always have to be unhappy because they won't play by the rules. You can keep being a doormat if that's easier for you, but you can also start standing up for yourself when you're ready. Your parents aren't going to wake up one day and realize they've been rude all these years dropping in whenever they want and ask forgiveness. Stop waiting for them to come to their senses.

[Anonymous]

The posters of DCUM really have the most toxic family relationships. I don't think there's a message board anywhere that has women with such fractious relationships with their spouses, parents, siblings, in-laws, and children. And you wonder why there are so many sad, lonely PPs. Hint, it's because you're terrible at relationships.

OP, take advice from no one here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The posters of DCUM really have the most toxic family relationships. I don't think there's a message board anywhere that has women with such fractious relationships with their spouses, parents, siblings, in-laws, and children. And you wonder why there are so many sad, lonely PPs. Hint, it's because you're terrible at relationships.

OP, take advice from no one here.

What's your advice? Other than to crap on the PPs without offering anything helpful to OP?

You think OP should continue on the path she's on and deal with being unhappy? Learn to like being treated rudely then you can be happy when people keep doing the same thing to you without regards to your feelings? It's not setting reasonable boundaries in a respectful way, because that's what most people are suggesting, so what do you think OP should do?

[Anonymous]

OP, you and your sister sound like really sweet kids who are trying hard to draw boundaries *and* make your parents happy. Your parents can still be happy over time with a positive relationship with you and your sister that includes lots of good, quality time. But it does not have to be at the expense of your sanity and boundaries.

I also don’t think you know what a boundary is. I can’t believe you canceled plans with a friend because your parents have no boundaries. You 100% should have carried on with your plans and gone out with them. Would your parents have complained and pouted? Of course. Should you mind? No - it’s part of the boundary setting process. When they complain, “Mom, Dad, I told you this wasn’t a great week for you to visit. We already made commitments and we don’t cancel plans like that. Next time, if we agree on dates of your visit, we can Bette Roman our schedules,”.

And you can’t let them “guilt” you into spending 3 days at your sister’s house. You are a grown a$$ adult who gets to make decisions about your body and where it goes. “We are off now. See you all on Tuesday.” [Mom complains, etc etc]. You IGNORE and change the subject. You DO NOT CAVE. You should realize that you are literally training your parents that if they complain enough that you and your sister will do what they want you do to.

It is so-ooo possible to have healthy boundaries *and* a fun, positive, healthy relationship. There may be a few bumps along the way, but the end result is worth it.

OP, do read up on what a real boundary is. That will help. Good luck!! We are rooting for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell them, we love you and we love to visit, but we can’t accommodate you without advance notice. I can’t let you in if you show up unannounced again.

They do provide advance notice. What they don't do is ''consult" with OP to come at a time that works for OP. Big difference.

[Anonymous]

My dad (US born but child of immigrant parents) used to do this to me when I lived in NYC. "I"m coming up Monday--book that restaurant we went to and get some theater tickets!" I love and respect him, but sometimes could not accommodate all this, especially at the drop of a hat. I had to give him specific instructions--"Please call me at least two days before and say, 'I'd like to visit on Monday night. Does that work for you?'" I had to repeat it a few times, but he got it.
General instructions ("Can you give me more notice?") didn't work. At all.

[Anonymous]

How often is frequently? Like once a month, a few times a year? Honestly, it's really awesome that your parents take the initiative to visit you and your family. The answer to your question is that you need to set boundaries with them. Before you do though, make sure it is really worth possibly damaging your relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The posters of DCUM really have the most toxic family relationships. I don't think there's a message board anywhere that has women with such fractious relationships with their spouses, parents, siblings, in-laws, and children. And you wonder why there are so many sad, lonely PPs. Hint, it's because you're terrible at relationships.

OP, take advice from no one here.

Which includes not taking your advice. Loser.