Perpetually lonely and miserable -- will I ever be happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. You are not alone. Many people don't have the kind of idealized friendships you see in movies and tv, in college or high school.

2. Your misery is a natural response to your life situation, which is itself miserable. In fact, it would be weirder if you were not miserable.

3. If you want to stop being miserable, you will have to put yourself in situations that are less awful. You hate your job. So quit. Go do something that is more in tune with your interests. You won't starve if you forgo the huge salary. No one should be working 70 hours a week at 22. Go travel. Find a job that pays less but provides work/life balance and makes you feel better about yourself. Meet people. Pick up hobbies.

I agree with one, but not three. I suspect this poster has family money.

It’s ok to work sixty hours a week, but you still have time for a social life with that.

No family money. But I have always been frugal and happy with very little. And I was never willing to be a slave for money. I had an amazing 20s with lots of travel and education (all scholarships) and fun. Now I am rich.

You don’t have to live like this. I know you think you do, but you don’t. It is a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Everyone always says that being 22 is the best and that I should be in the "happiest" time of my life right now. I've always felt miserable and lonely, and my depression is getting a lot worse now that I'm realizing that these feelings of misery and loneliness were not immediately going to disappear once I became a real adult."

People who say that are lying. Age 22-24 were probably the toughest most miserable years of my life (I'm 40 now). It can be really hard to get your footing as a young adult, but I promise life gets a lot better as you get into your later 20's and 30's.

+1 My early 20s were similarly frustrating socially. Felt like I would never have a group of true friends. Late 20s/30s have been way better for me. Your peers will become more mature and move out of the college frat mentality. I agree with the suggestions to focus on being the best version of yourself. Do interesting things (that interest you) and your circle will grow. Hang in there. 22 really is a terrible age. It gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. You are not alone. Many people don't have the kind of idealized friendships you see in movies and tv, in college or high school.

2. Your misery is a natural response to your life situation, which is itself miserable. In fact, it would be weirder if you were not miserable.

3. If you want to stop being miserable, you will have to put yourself in situations that are less awful. You hate your job. So quit. Go do something that is more in tune with your interests. You won't starve if you forgo the huge salary. No one should be working 70 hours a week at 22. Go travel. Find a job that pays less but provides work/life balance and makes you feel better about yourself. Meet people. Pick up hobbies.

I agree with one, but not three. I suspect this poster has family money.

It’s ok to work sixty hours a week, but you still have time for a social life with that.

No family money. But I have always been frugal and happy with very little. And I was never willing to be a slave for money. I had an amazing 20s with lots of travel and education (all scholarships) and fun. Now I am rich.

You don’t have to live like this. I know you think you do, but you don’t. It is a choice.

OP says she has lots of student debt. So she probably has to stay at her job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

I am an immigrant, who came with my parents as an older teen.

I was also 22 when I moved to DC. I suggest you start dating, taking art or film classes, and hanging out with other immigrants from your country. You probably know from moving a lot that the first 6-12 months are always hard.

Also, move. It seems like you can afford your own place.

She does not necessarily have to limit herself with immigrants from her country. She moved here when she was 5.

My brother moved here at 11 and has less in common with people from his country of origin than he has with people who grew up here.

She needs to explore what she thinks her interests are and see if she vibes with people interested in those things.

For example: I love walking. I could walk for hours a day. It seems pretty basic, but my closest friendship in my neighborhood is with a woman my age who loves walking too. That's how easily bonds are formed.

And my brother moved here when he was eight. His closest friends are immigrant kids like him from our COO. He met them in college, they are super close many years later. OP does not have to limit herself to immigrants, I did not say that. Yet, she should not exclude the community as an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. You are not alone. Many people don't have the kind of idealized friendships you see in movies and tv, in college or high school.

2. Your misery is a natural response to your life situation, which is itself miserable. In fact, it would be weirder if you were not miserable.

3. If you want to stop being miserable, you will have to put yourself in situations that are less awful. You hate your job. So quit. Go do something that is more in tune with your interests. You won't starve if you forgo the huge salary. No one should be working 70 hours a week at 22. Go travel. Find a job that pays less but provides work/life balance and makes you feel better about yourself. Meet people. Pick up hobbies.

I agree with one, but not three. I suspect this poster has family money.

It’s ok to work sixty hours a week, but you still have time for a social life with that.

Family money? Do you realize that most Americans of all ages make less than a 22 year old in Big 3 consulting? You're ridiculous.

I agree with 1 and 2 but for 3 I'd say give it more time. Every time you move to a new place and start a new job, it's lonely. I've done it several times (and I just broke 100k this year at 37, no family money), and the first 9-12 months are tough until things start to slot into place. Unless you hate it AND have an idea what WOULD make you happy, try to find a way to bloom where you're planted for at least a year.

[Anonymous]

When I was in a rut I took an improv class and it was so much fun:

https://witdc.org/improv-classes/

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I've struggled to make close friendships at various times in my life. The easiest way is through forced proximity. Who do you see all the time? Well currently that's your coworkers and your roommates. It sounds like your roommates aren't a good option but look around at your coworkers. Is anyone else around your age? Ask them to join you for a coffee break. If it's slim pickings, then put yourself somewhere else where you'll have regular contact with potential friends . . . a yoga class or whatnot.

I see people in their 20s on Reddit who are new to town asking if anyone wants to meet up to see a movie or whatever. You might try there.

Basically it's about throwing out a certain number of darts and seeing which ones stick. Not everyone has the time or capacity for a close friendship, but often people you didn't think would be interested wind up being your closest friends.

The movie "I Love You, Man" makes me laugh because it's about Paul Rudd realizing he doesn't have any close male friends and trying to make some. I can relate (except, I'm a woman)!

[Anonymous]

Have you considered that you might be autistic?
If you don't or do, the key would be the same, to learn to be comfortable and accept yourself and instead of trying to keep thinking there is something wrong with yourself.

Once you get used to isolating yourself, it perpetuates itself.

Then when you start to socialize, it feels weird to you because you aren't used to it.

The feeling is uncomfortable and you then retreat to isolating because that is comfortable and familiar.

You have to accept that it will be uncomfortable and there will be bumps in the road and push through the uncomfortable feelings. They won't evaporate in a day, week, maybe even months. It will take a while. Then one day, you will realize that you don't feel as uncomfortable anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Volunteer.

+1

[Anonymous]

Hey OP - I am East Asian, came to US at 4 years old. Similar childhood as you with expectations from parents except without the moving around part. Always feeling outside of the group. To be honest this is a common immigrant experience. I don’t say this to minimize your experience but to encourage you that there are other people out there who understand and more and more literature too. Read A Beautiful Country, recently published about a Chinese girl who immigrated here with her parents. Her story isn’t exactly like yours but I think it is nice to read things were people are experiencing the same feelings as you.

Fwiw, 18-23 were the hardest years for me. I remember being so excited to get to college to get out of my miserable home situation (where my parents monitored my every move and social life similar to yours). People who minimize and play this down don’t understand how subtlety traumatizing a child hood like this is. I’m sure you can relate but in the summer they would give me so much homework every day. I wasn’t allowed to go outside and play until I finished it all. Realistically if I worked the whole day I wouldn’t finish until 4pm. For example they would make me read as much of a book as possible and find 100 vocab words to memorize which they would then quiz me on when they got home. This is when I was 8 or 9. I never went to a single “fun camp” where you go outside and play. That might sound like no big deal to some but it is a soul sucking way to live out a childhood.

Anyway, hang in there. Get a therapist or stay in therapy. Pick up an activity you enjoy - exercise, studio art… consider graduate school… and if you do definitely join a club or two! You need one friend to start.

I’m almost 40 now and I promise you things get better. Early 20s are seriously so overrated although I realize some people have a great time. One thing I will say is that no matter how awful it feels there is a sense of immense possibility at 20 that might feel like a burden in the moment, but in retrospect it’s the one thing I really miss about the season of life.

[Anonymous]

Join the local DC biking group or the kickball league or the volley ball league in DC. You don't have to be athletic but it's a good way to meet young people - many are in the same situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG OP, be less judgmental. You just brushed off all your peers at work as fratty but most of them are probably huge nerds because that's the pool they hire from.

I was you a decade ago. I traveled with and hung out with and bonded with my co-workers, even though they were not the normal crowd I vibed with. All people are worthy and have something redeeming to offer if you give them a chance.

Also listen to your instincts and quit after 2 years. Find a career that better suits you. But do wait til the 2-year mark since that's the norm in consulting and pay off loans/save money first.

No way. A job like OP’s will set her up for high paying jobs the rest of her life. I worked in IB after college and it was a miserable few years. Now I make a high salary with a great work/life balance. I wouldn’t be where I am without that job on my resume. OP is a fool if she quits that job. She would very likely have to work just as many hours in another job and make way less money. I’ll caveat that I think it’s easier to make more money than it is to save. I wasn’t focused on a 401k match in my 20s. I was focused on climbing the corporate ladder so I could earn more money.

But do you love your job? For some of us, that matters. I have zero regrets about leaving consulting and love being a Fed now.

Love does not pay bills.

What if she became a fed and still disliked her job.

You got lucky. Sometimes you love the work and strongly dislike the people. That's why you position yourself to be in very high demand so you can switch when you are nit feeling it and still keep a high salary.

OP is not from a wealthy family. Money is important.

+1
A financial cushion established now will benefit her enormously once she has a family and wants options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG OP, be less judgmental. You just brushed off all your peers at work as fratty but most of them are probably huge nerds because that's the pool they hire from.

I was you a decade ago. I traveled with and hung out with and bonded with my co-workers, even though they were not the normal crowd I vibed with. All people are worthy and have something redeeming to offer if you give them a chance.

Also listen to your instincts and quit after 2 years. Find a career that better suits you. But do wait til the 2-year mark since that's the norm in consulting and pay off loans/save money first.

No way. A job like OP’s will set her up for high paying jobs the rest of her life. I worked in IB after college and it was a miserable few years. Now I make a high salary with a great work/life balance. I wouldn’t be where I am without that job on my resume. OP is a fool if she quits that job. She would very likely have to work just as many hours in another job and make way less money. I’ll caveat that I think it’s easier to make more money than it is to save. I wasn’t focused on a 401k match in my 20s. I was focused on climbing the corporate ladder so I could earn more money.

But do you love your job? For some of us, that matters. I have zero regrets about leaving consulting and love being a Fed now.

NP here. Confused. I thought everyone does consulting and leaves after two years because it’s “up or out?” So wouldn’t OP have to leave at the two year mark?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--I think it's likely I work at the same firm at you (a few levels up), and if I looked back at the new joiner lists I'd probably be able to tell exactly who you are.

Listen, the first few months on this job are hard and the learning curve is steep. Your hours probably reflect that--they will go down as you get better at it.

Please don't write us all off as fratty or cliquey. The DC office is actually incredibly international--even a lot of the white people (myself included) are not American! Looks can be deceiving We're a friendly bunch, and complete nerds at the end of the day. There is an office happy hour every Friday, among many, many other events. Give us a chance!

If you're still feeling lonely and unfulfilled, please also share those thoughts with your mentor. It's not going to affect your performance evaluation in any way--they are there solely to support you. They can help guide you and make connections. Typically our start classes become quite close-knit--have you taken part in all the class events so far? Once you get to know people, ask around about housing--many of them live together in roommate situations in their first few years. How big is your case team? Have you had any case team events? If not, volunteer to plan one! Everyone loves a fancy dinner

Your current roommate situation sound horrible, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I would ask around at work about housing and where others in your start class or the class above you are living. They will have good recommendations! And if you share and are vulnerable about what a bad time you're having, they will be sympathetic and helpful. I promise. Opening up is a good way to make connections and friends--you don't need to keep it all bottled up. If I was your manager, I'd want to know you're struggling. That's the only way I can help.

Ohhh, this is a trap and a mistake!! It’s crucial to have mentors and people you can open up to. It should never, ever, be the one assigned by HR. You need to solve this problem outside of work. The boss is not your friend, and anything you say at work can and will be used against you.

I'm the PP. I know this is true at a lot of firms, but not ours. The mentor is just a mentor--they're there for your wellbeing and have zero input into any promo, PIP, etc. discussions. There is a separate person responsible for your PD, and that is where things can get dicey if you're super negative or have a bad attitude. And supervisors generally care a lot about their teams and would want to know if there was something going on outside of work affecting your work or your experience at the company--most people go through 2-3 cases per review cycle, so the input any one supervisor has on your overall review is not huge, plus they tend to grade up vs. down if they know you're having an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--I think it's likely I work at the same firm at you (a few levels up), and if I looked back at the new joiner lists I'd probably be able to tell exactly who you are.

Listen, the first few months on this job are hard and the learning curve is steep. Your hours probably reflect that--they will go down as you get better at it.

Please don't write us all off as fratty or cliquey. The DC office is actually incredibly international--even a lot of the white people (myself included) are not American! Looks can be deceiving We're a friendly bunch, and complete nerds at the end of the day. There is an office happy hour every Friday, among many, many other events. Give us a chance!

If you're still feeling lonely and unfulfilled, please also share those thoughts with your mentor. It's not going to affect your performance evaluation in any way--they are there solely to support you. They can help guide you and make connections. Typically our start classes become quite close-knit--have you taken part in all the class events so far? Once you get to know people, ask around about housing--many of them live together in roommate situations in their first few years. How big is your case team? Have you had any case team events? If not, volunteer to plan one! Everyone loves a fancy dinner

Your current roommate situation sound horrible, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I would ask around at work about housing and where others in your start class or the class above you are living. They will have good recommendations! And if you share and are vulnerable about what a bad time you're having, they will be sympathetic and helpful. I promise. Opening up is a good way to make connections and friends--you don't need to keep it all bottled up. If I was your manager, I'd want to know you're struggling. That's the only way I can help.

Ohhh, this is a trap and a mistake!! It’s crucial to have mentors and people you can open up to. It should never, ever, be the one assigned by HR. You need to solve this problem outside of work. The boss is not your friend, and anything you say at work can and will be used against you.

I'm the PP. I know this is true at a lot of firms, but not ours. The mentor is just a mentor--they're there for your wellbeing and have zero input into any promo, PIP, etc. discussions. There is a separate person responsible for your PD, and that is where things can get dicey if you're super negative or have a bad attitude. And supervisors generally care a lot about their teams and would want to know if there was something going on outside of work affecting your work or your experience at the company--most people go through 2-3 cases per review cycle, so the input any one supervisor has on your overall review is not huge, plus they tend to grade up vs. down if they know you're having an issue.

You sound like you’re striaigjt from HR.