Perpetually lonely and miserable -- will I ever be happy?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I am an immigrant, who came with my parents as an older teen.

I was also 22 when I moved to DC. I suggest you start dating, taking art or film classes, and hanging out with other immigrants from your country. You probably know from moving a lot that the first 6-12 months are always hard.

Also, move. It seems like you can afford your own place.

[Anonymous]

Op, the truth is you are lazy and unambitious as far as your social life is concerned.

If you can work 60/70 hours a week at a job you dislike, you have enough discipline and focus to vastly improve your social life.

Shy? Learn how to fix it.

Boring? Learn how to fix it?

Picky about who you find interesting/ want to hang out with? Research what kinds of things people you like are into?

Not sure if you understand what your atmosphere/ vibe is? Find coaches to guide you.

Relationships/ social skills come easy to some people. Other people work hard at it. You seem to think it's worth the hardworking. Put in the work!

And dating is fun too. Don't miss out. Put yourself out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. You are not alone. Many people don't have the kind of idealized friendships you see in movies and tv, in college or high school.

2. Your misery is a natural response to your life situation, which is itself miserable. In fact, it would be weirder if you were not miserable.

3. If you want to stop being miserable, you will have to put yourself in situations that are less awful. You hate your job. So quit. Go do something that is more in tune with your interests. You won't starve if you forgo the huge salary. No one should be working 70 hours a week at 22. Go travel. Find a job that pays less but provides work/life balance and makes you feel better about yourself. Meet people. Pick up hobbies.

I agree with one, but not three. I suspect this poster has family money.

It’s ok to work sixty hours a week, but you still have time for a social life with that.

Yes. Don't quit your job OP. Have a career plan and execute. How do you leverage this prestigious experience to get into a well paying position with better hours? How long would that plan take? Have concrete plans for this.

You can work 60 hours and have friends and fun. This is the time to work long hours. You are young and single. Just have a solid plan for the next 2-5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

I am an immigrant, who came with my parents as an older teen.

I was also 22 when I moved to DC. I suggest you start dating, taking art or film classes, and hanging out with other immigrants from your country. You probably know from moving a lot that the first 6-12 months are always hard.

Also, move. It seems like you can afford your own place.

She does not necessarily have to limit herself with immigrants from her country. She moved here when she was 5.

My brother moved here at 11 and has less in common with people from his country of origin than he has with people who grew up here.

She needs to explore what she thinks her interests are and see if she vibes with people interested in those things.

For example: I love walking. I could walk for hours a day. It seems pretty basic, but my closest friendship in my neighborhood is with a woman my age who loves walking too. That's how easily bonds are formed.

[Anonymous]

OMG OP, be less judgmental. You just brushed off all your peers at work as fratty but most of them are probably huge nerds because that's the pool they hire from.

I was you a decade ago. I traveled with and hung out with and bonded with my co-workers, even though they were not the normal crowd I vibed with. All people are worthy and have something redeeming to offer if you give them a chance.

Also listen to your instincts and quit after 2 years. Find a career that better suits you. But do wait til the 2-year mark since that's the norm in consulting and pay off loans/save money first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG OP, be less judgmental. You just brushed off all your peers at work as fratty but most of them are probably huge nerds because that's the pool they hire from.

I was you a decade ago. I traveled with and hung out with and bonded with my co-workers, even though they were not the normal crowd I vibed with. All people are worthy and have something redeeming to offer if you give them a chance.

Also listen to your instincts and quit after 2 years. Find a career that better suits you. But do wait til the 2-year mark since that's the norm in consulting and pay off loans/save money first.

No way. A job like OP’s will set her up for high paying jobs the rest of her life. I worked in IB after college and it was a miserable few years. Now I make a high salary with a great work/life balance. I wouldn’t be where I am without that job on my resume. OP is a fool if she quits that job. She would very likely have to work just as many hours in another job and make way less money. I’ll caveat that I think it’s easier to make more money than it is to save. I wasn’t focused on a 401k match in my 20s. I was focused on climbing the corporate ladder so I could earn more money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG OP, be less judgmental. You just brushed off all your peers at work as fratty but most of them are probably huge nerds because that's the pool they hire from.

I was you a decade ago. I traveled with and hung out with and bonded with my co-workers, even though they were not the normal crowd I vibed with. All people are worthy and have something redeeming to offer if you give them a chance.

Also listen to your instincts and quit after 2 years. Find a career that better suits you. But do wait til the 2-year mark since that's the norm in consulting and pay off loans/save money first.

No way. A job like OP’s will set her up for high paying jobs the rest of her life. I worked in IB after college and it was a miserable few years. Now I make a high salary with a great work/life balance. I wouldn’t be where I am without that job on my resume. OP is a fool if she quits that job. She would very likely have to work just as many hours in another job and make way less money. I’ll caveat that I think it’s easier to make more money than it is to save. I wasn’t focused on a 401k match in my 20s. I was focused on climbing the corporate ladder so I could earn more money.

But do you love your job? For some of us, that matters. I have zero regrets about leaving consulting and love being a Fed now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG OP, be less judgmental. You just brushed off all your peers at work as fratty but most of them are probably huge nerds because that's the pool they hire from.

I was you a decade ago. I traveled with and hung out with and bonded with my co-workers, even though they were not the normal crowd I vibed with. All people are worthy and have something redeeming to offer if you give them a chance.

Also listen to your instincts and quit after 2 years. Find a career that better suits you. But do wait til the 2-year mark since that's the norm in consulting and pay off loans/save money first.

So she should listen to her instincts and quit her job but not listen to her instincts about the people she works with?

Nah. I would do the exact opposite. I would be friendly and polite at work, but find close friendships elsewhere.

I'd keep that job a little longer in order maximize my career potential. Is she leaves in a more senior position, doors will open for jobs with great pay and work life balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG OP, be less judgmental. You just brushed off all your peers at work as fratty but most of them are probably huge nerds because that's the pool they hire from.

I was you a decade ago. I traveled with and hung out with and bonded with my co-workers, even though they were not the normal crowd I vibed with. All people are worthy and have something redeeming to offer if you give them a chance.

Also listen to your instincts and quit after 2 years. Find a career that better suits you. But do wait til the 2-year mark since that's the norm in consulting and pay off loans/save money first.

No way. A job like OP’s will set her up for high paying jobs the rest of her life. I worked in IB after college and it was a miserable few years. Now I make a high salary with a great work/life balance. I wouldn’t be where I am without that job on my resume. OP is a fool if she quits that job. She would very likely have to work just as many hours in another job and make way less money. I’ll caveat that I think it’s easier to make more money than it is to save. I wasn’t focused on a 401k match in my 20s. I was focused on climbing the corporate ladder so I could earn more money.

But do you love your job? For some of us, that matters. I have zero regrets about leaving consulting and love being a Fed now.

Love does not pay bills.

What if she became a fed and still disliked her job.

You got lucky. Sometimes you love the work and strongly dislike the people. That's why you position yourself to be in very high demand so you can switch when you are nit feeling it and still keep a high salary.

OP is not from a wealthy family. Money is important.

[Anonymous]

Your roommates sound terrible. Try to get out of your lease/agreement & find other roommates, maybe you can post for one-two roommates & find someone else. Living with 4 best friends has to be exacerbating your feelings of loneliness.

[Anonymous]

OP--I think it's likely I work at the same firm at you (a few levels up), and if I looked back at the new joiner lists I'd probably be able to tell exactly who you are.

Listen, the first few months on this job are hard and the learning curve is steep. Your hours probably reflect that--they will go down as you get better at it.

Please don't write us all off as fratty or cliquey. The DC office is actually incredibly international--even a lot of the white people (myself included) are not American! Looks can be deceiving We're a friendly bunch, and complete nerds at the end of the day. There is an office happy hour every Friday, among many, many other events. Give us a chance!

If you're still feeling lonely and unfulfilled, please also share those thoughts with your mentor. It's not going to affect your performance evaluation in any way--they are there solely to support you. They can help guide you and make connections. Typically our start classes become quite close-knit--have you taken part in all the class events so far? Once you get to know people, ask around about housing--many of them live together in roommate situations in their first few years. How big is your case team? Have you had any case team events? If not, volunteer to plan one! Everyone loves a fancy dinner

Your current roommate situation sound horrible, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I would ask around at work about housing and where others in your start class or the class above you are living. They will have good recommendations! And if you share and are vulnerable about what a bad time you're having, they will be sympathetic and helpful. I promise. Opening up is a good way to make connections and friends--you don't need to keep it all bottled up. If I was your manager, I'd want to know you're struggling. That's the only way I can help.

[Anonymous]

I’m an Army brat and I sympathize with you. I had a strong family and there was a unifying base culture that I experienced throughout my childhood of moves that you didn’t have to keep you centered and grounded. But the one thing my childhood taught me is that there’s a big world out there. I really don’t think your personality and interests are a good fit for DC. You made a joking reference to moving to LA but honestly I think you should be more active about contemplating a move. I think a place like Denver or yes, California, might be helpful to you.

Also your roommate situation sounds like a nightmare! I can’t believe they are treating you this way, it’s awful.

[Anonymous]

I think the first thing should be finding a hobby you enjoy that involves other people. A sports team (you can play kickball even if you are terrible at sports and it comes with socializing), an art class, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--I think it's likely I work at the same firm at you (a few levels up), and if I looked back at the new joiner lists I'd probably be able to tell exactly who you are.

Listen, the first few months on this job are hard and the learning curve is steep. Your hours probably reflect that--they will go down as you get better at it.

Please don't write us all off as fratty or cliquey. The DC office is actually incredibly international--even a lot of the white people (myself included) are not American! Looks can be deceiving We're a friendly bunch, and complete nerds at the end of the day. There is an office happy hour every Friday, among many, many other events. Give us a chance!

If you're still feeling lonely and unfulfilled, please also share those thoughts with your mentor. It's not going to affect your performance evaluation in any way--they are there solely to support you. They can help guide you and make connections. Typically our start classes become quite close-knit--have you taken part in all the class events so far? Once you get to know people, ask around about housing--many of them live together in roommate situations in their first few years. How big is your case team? Have you had any case team events? If not, volunteer to plan one! Everyone loves a fancy dinner

Your current roommate situation sound horrible, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I would ask around at work about housing and where others in your start class or the class above you are living. They will have good recommendations! And if you share and are vulnerable about what a bad time you're having, they will be sympathetic and helpful. I promise. Opening up is a good way to make connections and friends--you don't need to keep it all bottled up. If I was your manager, I'd want to know you're struggling. That's the only way I can help.

Ohhh, this is a trap and a mistake!! It’s crucial to have mentors and people you can open up to. It should never, ever, be the one assigned by HR. You need to solve this problem outside of work. The boss is not your friend, and anything you say at work can and will be used against you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an Army brat and I sympathize with you. I had a strong family and there was a unifying base culture that I experienced throughout my childhood of moves that you didn’t have to keep you centered and grounded. But the one thing my childhood taught me is that there’s a big world out there. I really don’t think your personality and interests are a good fit for DC. You made a joking reference to moving to LA but honestly I think you should be more active about contemplating a move. I think a place like Denver or yes, California, might be helpful to you.

Also your roommate situation sounds like a nightmare! I can’t believe they are treating you this way, it’s awful.

+1. OP, you are so young and things will get better for you. I also think a move to California or elsewhere could be great if you don’t love DC. At your age, don’t hesitate to make big changes if you’re unhappy. And keep an eye out for those exit ops from your current job while making an effort to put yourself out there as much as possible. Good luck!