Perpetually lonely and miserable -- will I ever be happy?

[Anonymous]

Change jobs & join a church if you have any religious beliefs or interests.

Or Live in a group house or shared apartment. Carpool to work with someone. Go to the same class every week.

Basically, friendships are formed due to repeated nice interactions over time.

I’m sorry. My story is different, but I was very lonely after graduation, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Everyone always says that being 22 is the best and that I should be in the "happiest" time of my life right now. I've always felt miserable and lonely, and my depression is getting a lot worse now that I'm realizing that these feelings of misery and loneliness were not immediately going to disappear once I became a real adult."

People who say that are lying. Age 22-24 were probably the toughest most miserable years of my life (I'm 40 now). It can be really hard to get your footing as a young adult, but I promise life gets a lot better as you get into your later 20's and 30's.

Same. I used to literally wonder if I jumped off the Connecticut Ave bridge if anyone would care. I was not actually suicidal. Just lost, lonely, miserable. I have a lot of friends and a great life now. It really took me a lot of time to find my way.

[Anonymous]

Volunteer.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like the op from the post a few days back who was pretending to be the Korean father but was actually the daughter. (Clearly I spend too much time on DCUM). OP if this is you just stop feeling guilty and tell your parents you’re not going to be their retirement plan. Quit the job you hate and find something that is more in tune with your interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. You are not alone. Many people don't have the kind of idealized friendships you see in movies and tv, in college or high school.

2. Your misery is a natural response to your life situation, which is itself miserable. In fact, it would be weirder if you were not miserable.

3. If you want to stop being miserable, you will have to put yourself in situations that are less awful. You hate your job. So quit. Go do something that is more in tune with your interests. You won't starve if you forgo the huge salary. No one should be working 70 hours a week at 22. Go travel. Find a job that pays less but provides work/life balance and makes you feel better about yourself. Meet people. Pick up hobbies.

I agree with point #1, but disagree with point #2 & point #3.

Working 60 to 70 hours a week in one's twenties if a great use of a professional's time. Trick is to exercise every day & to eat healthy.

[Anonymous]

I know you are busy with work but you need to also do other things?

1. Young people at your work don’t socialize? See if you can get other new-in-town people to go out with you.

2. Join a weekend class learning something you love

3. Join a meetup, alumni, sports, religious of any other group.

[Anonymous]

22 is a tough age - that transition from college to adulthood is hard! Give yourself some grace.

I’m in my 40’s & remember feeling the way you did then. I hated my first job, & felt a lot of stress around my choice of career. I never had a ton of friends, but my best friend from high school died in a car accident at 23, & my couple of college friends all moved to different parts of the country. It was a really lonely time & I was scared that adult life was basically going to be awful.

Since then, I changed jobs/careers, and made some really good friends from a job I had in my late 20s. Married & gained good friends & family through spouse. Had kids & gained a couple of good friends there, & one good friend that was a neighbor. So I just want to say, you can make really good friends going forward, what you feel now is not permanent.

I think if your work is not a good fit, start searching for a new job. And since you have a job, be very choosy. Look for a place that fits your personality better. You can find good friends at work, so look for a place with a corporate culture that matches yours.

And seriously, this is a tough time, go easy on yourself. For some people maybe early 20s is the greatest ever, but I remember being pretty stressed out then.

[Anonymous]

OP! Come to the World Bank. You will find your people there. We are all "third culture" kids and in many ways going to work every morning feels like coming home.

You can go to events and start networking. If you end up enrolling in a graduate program, apply for an internship:
https://www.worldbank.org/en/about/careers/programs-and-internships/internship

The pay will be dismal compared to Big 3 consulting but the people are educated, serious, passionate, and everyone is from somewhere else. It's a bit competitive, but nothing like the culture you're in now, or rather, being humane and polite is respected.

[Anonymous]

I think OP needs to have an affair with a much older man.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks again for all the support and great advice. Will take many of these to heart.

I don’t think my school’s reunions and alumni clubs are notoriously inactive (guess which Ivy I went to, haha). I am trying to find new friends, but it is hard. My roommates all went to Georgetown (I have four of them), and they were all BFFs from Georgetown. I decided to live with them because they posted on a DC Facebook Housing Group saying that they needed a fifth roommate.

I now realize my mistake. These four all are really close to each other and couldn’t be less interested in talking to me. They are really involved in each others’ lives, but won’t even say hi to me in the morning. They hosted a party in our house and didn’t even tell me about it, which is absurd since I literally live with them. One of them locked me out of the house, and when I approached her about it, she was extremely apathetic. Last week, three of them threw a birthday party for the fourth roommate — again, they never told me about it and were hostile to me when I went downstairs during the party (in my OWN house!) to grab a snack. I probably should’ve roomed with DC transplants like myself.

I took the MBB job mainly because I had $40k in student debt when I graduated college (even after significant amounts of need-based financial aid). It’s down to $25k now, but I definitely don’t feel financially comfortable outsourcing my housework — I basically live like a Hill staffer making $30k/year even though I make almost quadruple that.

I also know that as a first-gen Asian woman from modest means, I should take jobs that have great exit opportunities, prestige, and pay, even if it means I’ll be unhappy — there are no other options for someone of my SES. So no, I can’t leave my job.

[Anonymous]

Op, saw your update.

Yeah, maybe try to find a different roommate situation at some point. They sound rude. But I’m impressed that you are living with roommates in order to save money and pay down your debts. Good for you!

I’m not sure what you mean when you say someone locked you out of your house. If you leave your house, even just to take out the garbage, you should bring your key and lock the door behind you.

I wonder if you might be better off living on the west coast in a city with a higher Asian population.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks again for all the support and great advice. Will take many of these to heart.

I don’t think my school’s reunions and alumni clubs are notoriously inactive (guess which Ivy I went to, haha). I am trying to find new friends, but it is hard. My roommates all went to Georgetown (I have four of them), and they were all BFFs from Georgetown. I decided to live with them because they posted on a DC Facebook Housing Group saying that they needed a fifth roommate.

I now realize my mistake. These four all are really close to each other and couldn’t be less interested in talking to me. They are really involved in each others’ lives, but won’t even say hi to me in the morning. They hosted a party in our house and didn’t even tell me about it, which is absurd since I literally live with them. One of them locked me out of the house, and when I approached her about it, she was extremely apathetic. Last week, three of them threw a birthday party for the fourth roommate — again, they never told me about it and were hostile to me when I went downstairs during the party (in my OWN house!) to grab a snack. I probably should’ve roomed with DC transplants like myself.

I took the MBB job mainly because I had $40k in student debt when I graduated college (even after significant amounts of need-based financial aid). It’s down to $25k now, but I definitely don’t feel financially comfortable outsourcing my housework — I basically live like a Hill staffer making $30k/year even though I make almost quadruple that.

I also know that as a first-gen Asian woman from modest means, I should take jobs that have great exit opportunities, prestige, and pay, even if it means I’ll be unhappy — there are no other options for someone of my SES. So no, I can’t leave my job.

Your roommates sound terrible - sorry you landed in that situation. Hopefully the countdown is own for whatever lease you signed. I also think DC is a hard place to make friends. I moved here in my early 30's (married) and didn't make one friend that wasn't through my spouse's work or that I knew from where I moved from. It was really hard.

I agree with others and I say try lots of things/activities. Is there anyone at work you think you might like to hang out with? See if they want to grab coffee or a drink on the weekend.

As far as the rest of your life - maybe try therapy if you have space for it. You'll pay off your loans probably within a year and then all that salary can be redirected towards setting yourself free if you don't want to stay in a consulting job forever. But for that, you are going to have to have a plan, and part of that plan will be true independence from your parents and what they think you should be doing with your life, which is how you got here. In some ways, it's great because your education and self-discipline will always serve you well, but you are young. Don't be afraid to try things.

Best of luck. If you get really bored you can come hang with me and my teenagers.

[Anonymous]

The good news is that you are young, and still have plenty of time to make long lasting friends. I didn’t have any lasting friends from college or childhood, but made several friends in my 20s and 30s that I’ve now been friends with for 10-15 years (I’m now in my 40s).

One key is finding “your people” and living in a neighborhood and city where folks you feel connected to are abundant. If you tell us a bit about your interests maybe we could help you find such a spot in the DC area. Then I’d say live in a setting that has built in social interactions, such as a group house, shared apartment, or even a building where you have your own place but there are other young people like you. And then as everyone else has said, seek out meet ups and what not based on your interests.

Your job sounds like it’s not doing you any favors. I would try to find a job that’s more 9-5 though you might have to take a pay cut.

[Anonymous]

Download Bumble BFF and find friends there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The good news is that you are young, and still have plenty of time to make long lasting friends. I didn’t have any lasting friends from college or childhood, but made several friends in my 20s and 30s that I’ve now been friends with for 10-15 years (I’m now in my 40s).

One key is finding “your people” and living in a neighborhood and city where folks you feel connected to are abundant. If you tell us a bit about your interests maybe we could help you find such a spot in the DC area. Then I’d say live in a setting that has built in social interactions, such as a group house, shared apartment, or even a building where you have your own place but there are other young people like you. And then as everyone else has said, seek out meet ups and what not based on your interests.

Your job sounds like it’s not doing you any favors. I would try to find a job that’s more 9-5 though you might have to take a pay cut.

Sure. I have to live somewhere relatively close to downtown — I take the Metro to my office and since I come home around ~11 PM every night, it can’t be too far away from where I work (my company pays for my Ubers back home after 8 PM).

OP here. Thanks for offering. My interests are in the arts (visual and performing), activism, nature, screenwriting/film, really anything creative/granola/crunchy. I think DC tends to lean more formal — maybe I should request an office transfer to LA? Not sure, hahaha.

Yes, I realize that doesn’t exactly scream “management consultant” — probably why I’m having a hard time fitting into my workplace. Definitely NOT a fan of the work hard/play hard/fratty vibe, I prefer a much more laid-back/low-key area (I’m sure there are neighborhoods like this in DC, not sure where).

I would love to leave my job. Definitely not happening anytime soon though.