Perpetually lonely and miserable -- will I ever be happy?

[Anonymous]

I have been lonely and isolated my entire life. I was born in an East Asian country, and my parents brought me to the US with them when I was five. My entire extended family still lives in our home country, and I'm not close to them at all since I only saw them once every few years growing up. I'm also an only child, so my loneliness was amplified throughout my childhood.

Ever since my parents and I moved to the US, we've moved to a different state once every few years. I lived in California, Texas, Illinois, New Jersey, and Georgia. This "military brat" style childhood (even though neither of my parents are in the military) made it really hard for me to have good friends growing up. As a result, I have no friends from my childhood who I still keep in touch with. I guess that's what happens when you go to three different high schools.

Making long-lasting friendships was also very difficult for me growing up since my parents really restricted any socializing I did outside of school (as is common for many Asian immigrant parents). My parents did not let me go to playdates or sleepovers as a kid since in their eyes, an hour spent with friends could be an hour spent studying or practicing my instrument or sport. My childhood was a relentless sequence of them tiger parenting me to get into an elite school.

I graduated from an Ivy this past May. I felt really out of place the entire time I was there -- my solidly middle class background (I was only able to attend my Ivy due to a significant amount of need-based financial aid) made it hard to fit in with my peers, and I found the entire college experience overtly competitive and cutthroat. Of course, having half of my sophomore year and all of my junior year at home over Zoom didn't help things either. As a result, I'm only in touch with a few friends from college, and I'm not particularly close to them. I frequently feel like my entire college experience was a waste since I never had that solid group of friends that you see in the movies (and I can't rely on my family or my childhood friends for that support system either).

I moved to DC in August to start a prestigious job in Big 3 management consulting. I took the job because of the pay and exit opportunities, but I absolutely despise it. The hours are pretty brutal (60-70 hrs/week), the work is boring and tedious, and I find it hard to relate to my coworkers. My company prides itself on having a close-knit culture, but the intense, competitive nature of my coworkers as well as their "work hard/play hard/fratty" attitudes make it hard for me to get close to them. I normally work like crazy during the week and sleep in on the weekends, waking up late on Saturdays and Sundays as if I were waking up from a catatonic daze.

I normally run errands on weekends, making it hard for me to make new friends. Additionally, the transience of DC has really been getting to me -- it's hard to invest in lifelong relationships here.

I was grabbing coffee (alone, of course) the other day and made brief eye contact with another girl my age at the cafe. It seemed like she was next to her twin sister and a couple of their friends (or maybe family members?). They were all in one big happy group, laughing and joking around. It was really obvious they loved each other and genuinely enjoyed each others' company. I started to feel resentful and jealous towards this girl -- why does she get to have a rich, fulfilling social/ family life and I don't? It felt grossly cruel. I know that's not fair to her, but I couldn't help but feel intense resentment.

Everyone always says that being 22 is the best and that I should be in the "happiest" time of my life right now. I've always felt miserable and lonely, and my depression is getting a lot worse now that I'm realizing that these feelings of misery and loneliness were not immediately going to disappear once I became a real adult.

I have tried therapy. I have tried meds (several, actually). I have tried religion. I have tried meditation and exercise. None of it seems to work. I feel like I'm perpetually doomed to be lonely, miserable, and unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Friends will not just show up on your doorstep and ask you to do things you enjoy. You'll have to go find them. Join singles groups on Facebook and go to events. Check meetup for hiking groups (or any other activity you might enjoy), and get out on the weekends, and do those activities. You have to put yourself out there, and also stop the woe is me attitude because people want to spend time with the best people they can, not people no one else likes. So, be the person you want to attract. Are there absolutely zero coworkers you can tolerate?

[Anonymous]

Don't be so hard on yourself. 20s you are still growing and finding out who you are, finding your tribe.

I moved to NYC right after college and I remember the feelings of loneliness, like nobody knew who I was or cared about me. I ended up latching on to some people I shouldn't have and could have easily went down a dark road or ended up a single mom. I didn't though. By my late 20s I had a much better job, had just met my soon to be DH.

I'm in my 40s now and have lived in NYC for almost 2 decades. Life hasn't been perfect and there things I would have done differently but I am still happier now than when I was in my early 20s. And I feel like I have more fun now than I did back then. I've experienced so much, met so many people from all different walks of life, I've traveled, more financially stable, I'm a mom now. Most of all I'm much more confident and self aware. And also just stopped GAF about peoples opinions.

Life is long. You get one chance to make the best of it. Don't wait until youre 40 and married with kids to realize there's all these things you wished you would have done in your 20s. Take that new job, move abroad, start a new hobby, learn another language, take that risk. Do it all now while you still can while you're unattached. It only gets harder and more complicated when you have other commitments.

[Anonymous]

Does your company do happy hours or any sort of bonding experiences?

[Anonymous]

Hang in there, OP!

I’m not an immigrant. I grew up white UMC but my childhood sounds like it was similar to yours. My parents limited my ability to make friends. I also have a similar background in terms of education and first job after college.

You’ll be surprised how quickly things can change or improve. Keep trying with your job. I had a similar type of job and eventually found something a much better fit for me. I met my husband and we have built a great life together. We now have a family.

When I was in my 20s working a miserable job I felt like it was going to be like that forever. Nothing is forever and it’s a short blip in your life. Unfortunately the firm name and your current role may set up you for great prospects later on. Try to hang on as long as you can but try figuring out what you want to do next.

Try to find alumni groups in your city. Also do online dating.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your parents controlled your life and held you back socially. Forget everyone else now, and decide what will make YOU happy. Is it travel? Working with animals? Something else? Quit the miserable but prestigious job - those will always be there later, especially w/ your Ivy pedigree. Then do whatever you feel passionate about. Friends will come naturally from that! Put yourself out there and be vulnerable. Yes, some people may come and go, but you'll never regret having had some fun. You are still young, and it's not too late!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been lonely and isolated my entire life. I was born in an East Asian country, and my parents brought me to the US with them when I was five. My entire extended family still lives in our home country, and I'm not close to them at all since I only saw them once every few years growing up. I'm also an only child, so my loneliness was amplified throughout my childhood.

Ever since my parents and I moved to the US, we've moved to a different state once every few years. I lived in California, Texas, Illinois, New Jersey, and Georgia. This "military brat" style childhood (even though neither of my parents are in the military) made it really hard for me to have good friends growing up. As a result, I have no friends from my childhood who I still keep in touch with. I guess that's what happens when you go to three different high schools.

Making long-lasting friendships was also very difficult for me growing up since my parents really restricted any socializing I did outside of school (as is common for many Asian immigrant parents). My parents did not let me go to playdates or sleepovers as a kid since in their eyes, an hour spent with friends could be an hour spent studying or practicing my instrument or sport. My childhood was a relentless sequence of them tiger parenting me to get into an elite school.

I graduated from an Ivy this past May. I felt really out of place the entire time I was there -- my solidly middle class background (I was only able to attend my Ivy due to a significant amount of need-based financial aid) made it hard to fit in with my peers, and I found the entire college experience overtly competitive and cutthroat. Of course, having half of my sophomore year and all of my junior year at home over Zoom didn't help things either. As a result, I'm only in touch with a few friends from college, and I'm not particularly close to them. I frequently feel like my entire college experience was a waste since I never had that solid group of friends that you see in the movies (and I can't rely on my family or my childhood friends for that support system either).

I moved to DC in August to start a prestigious job in Big 3 management consulting. I took the job because of the pay and exit opportunities, but I absolutely despise it. The hours are pretty brutal (60-70 hrs/week), the work is boring and tedious, and I find it hard to relate to my coworkers. My company prides itself on having a close-knit culture, but the intense, competitive nature of my coworkers as well as their "work hard/play hard/fratty" attitudes make it hard for me to get close to them. I normally work like crazy during the week and sleep in on the weekends, waking up late on Saturdays and Sundays as if I were waking up from a catatonic daze.

I normally run errands on weekends, making it hard for me to make new friends. Additionally, the transience of DC has really been getting to me -- it's hard to invest in lifelong relationships here.

I was grabbing coffee (alone, of course) the other day and made brief eye contact with another girl my age at the cafe. It seemed like she was next to her twin sister and a couple of their friends (or maybe family members?). They were all in one big happy group, laughing and joking around. It was really obvious they loved each other and genuinely enjoyed each others' company. I started to feel resentful and jealous towards this girl -- why does she get to have a rich, fulfilling social/ family life and I don't? It felt grossly cruel. I know that's not fair to her, but I couldn't help but feel intense resentment.

Everyone always says that being 22 is the best and that I should be in the "happiest" time of my life right now. I've always felt miserable and lonely, and my depression is getting a lot worse now that I'm realizing that these feelings of misery and loneliness were not immediately going to disappear once I became a real adult.

I have tried therapy. I have tried meds (several, actually). I have tried religion. I have tried meditation and exercise. None of it seems to work. I feel like I'm perpetually doomed to be lonely, miserable, and unhappy.

OP: Do you appreciate what you have and all that you have earned ? You have an Ivy League college degree followed by a great professional position at one of the three most prestigious management consulting firms in the world.

Any chronic health issues ? If no, then you are really doing well.

Many who work in Management Consulting return to school to earn an MBA after 3 to 5 years of working. MBA students socialize a lot. Much of the socialization is mandatory working in groups exercises.

Working at MBB can be a grueling experience--but it is also one of the great educational experience that I can get.

If you have a great education,a great job, money, and good health, why focus on the one area of your life that is not going well at this time.

You are not alone in this type of situation; it is fairly common for those working in management consulting, major law firms, and at Big 4 accounting firms.

Rest, exercise, eat healthy, and attend as many events as you can. It will all work out.

FWIW Depression meds can really mess you up. Better to engage in vigorous exercise each day & avoid alcohol & sugars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been lonely and isolated my entire life. I was born in an East Asian country, and my parents brought me to the US with them when I was five. My entire extended family still lives in our home country, and I'm not close to them at all since I only saw them once every few years growing up. I'm also an only child, so my loneliness was amplified throughout my childhood.

Ever since my parents and I moved to the US, we've moved to a different state once every few years. I lived in California, Texas, Illinois, New Jersey, and Georgia. This "military brat" style childhood (even though neither of my parents are in the military) made it really hard for me to have good friends growing up. As a result, I have no friends from my childhood who I still keep in touch with. I guess that's what happens when you go to three different high schools.

Making long-lasting friendships was also very difficult for me growing up since my parents really restricted any socializing I did outside of school (as is common for many Asian immigrant parents). My parents did not let me go to playdates or sleepovers as a kid since in their eyes, an hour spent with friends could be an hour spent studying or practicing my instrument or sport. My childhood was a relentless sequence of them tiger parenting me to get into an elite school.

I graduated from an Ivy this past May. I felt really out of place the entire time I was there -- my solidly middle class background (I was only able to attend my Ivy due to a significant amount of need-based financial aid) made it hard to fit in with my peers, and I found the entire college experience overtly competitive and cutthroat. Of course, having half of my sophomore year and all of my junior year at home over Zoom didn't help things either. As a result, I'm only in touch with a few friends from college, and I'm not particularly close to them. I frequently feel like my entire college experience was a waste since I never had that solid group of friends that you see in the movies (and I can't rely on my family or my childhood friends for that support system either).

I moved to DC in August to start a prestigious job in Big 3 management consulting. I took the job because of the pay and exit opportunities, but I absolutely despise it. The hours are pretty brutal (60-70 hrs/week), the work is boring and tedious, and I find it hard to relate to my coworkers. My company prides itself on having a close-knit culture, but the intense, competitive nature of my coworkers as well as their "work hard/play hard/fratty" attitudes make it hard for me to get close to them. I normally work like crazy during the week and sleep in on the weekends, waking up late on Saturdays and Sundays as if I were waking up from a catatonic daze.

I normally run errands on weekends, making it hard for me to make new friends. Additionally, the transience of DC has really been getting to me -- it's hard to invest in lifelong relationships here.

I was grabbing coffee (alone, of course) the other day and made brief eye contact with another girl my age at the cafe. It seemed like she was next to her twin sister and a couple of their friends (or maybe family members?). They were all in one big happy group, laughing and joking around. It was really obvious they loved each other and genuinely enjoyed each others' company. I started to feel resentful and jealous towards this girl -- why does she get to have a rich, fulfilling social/ family life and I don't? It felt grossly cruel. I know that's not fair to her, but I couldn't help but feel intense resentment.

Everyone always says that being 22 is the best and that I should be in the "happiest" time of my life right now. I've always felt miserable and lonely, and my depression is getting a lot worse now that I'm realizing that these feelings of misery and loneliness were not immediately going to disappear once I became a real adult.

I have tried therapy. I have tried meds (several, actually). I have tried religion. I have tried meditation and exercise. None of it seems to work. I feel like I'm perpetually doomed to be lonely, miserable, and unhappy.

Its a very long post but answer is short. You got feet in your shoes, brain in your head and smile on your lips, go out and greet people, join activities, help others, build a favor bank and a network. You'll find friendships and relationships.

[Anonymous]

"Everyone always says that being 22 is the best and that I should be in the "happiest" time of my life right now. I've always felt miserable and lonely, and my depression is getting a lot worse now that I'm realizing that these feelings of misery and loneliness were not immediately going to disappear once I became a real adult."

People who say that are lying. Age 22-24 were probably the toughest most miserable years of my life (I'm 40 now). It can be really hard to get your footing as a young adult, but I promise life gets a lot better as you get into your later 20's and 30's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your parents controlled your life and held you back socially. Forget everyone else now, and decide what will make YOU happy. Is it travel? Working with animals? Something else? Quit the miserable but prestigious job - those will always be there later, especially w/ your Ivy pedigree. Then do whatever you feel passionate about. Friends will come naturally from that! Put yourself out there and be vulnerable. Yes, some people may come and go, but you'll never regret having had some fun. You are still young, and it's not too late!

Great advice. I joined a sports team in my area but now there are all of these meetups where you can literally do whatever your hearts desire with others. Figure out what you like to do and go for it.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, meant to say I joined a sports team for my college in this area to meet friends. If you join your local chapter that will be one way of meeting others.

[Anonymous]

1. You are not alone. Many people don't have the kind of idealized friendships you see in movies and tv, in college or high school.

2. Your misery is a natural response to your life situation, which is itself miserable. In fact, it would be weirder if you were not miserable.

3. If you want to stop being miserable, you will have to put yourself in situations that are less awful. You hate your job. So quit. Go do something that is more in tune with your interests. You won't starve if you forgo the huge salary. No one should be working 70 hours a week at 22. Go travel. Find a job that pays less but provides work/life balance and makes you feel better about yourself. Meet people. Pick up hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Join a meetup group in an area that interests you that meets on the weekend. It will give you a reason to get up and going. Movie and dinner, museums, nature walks, etc.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP!

You’re in a good place in a lot of ways. You have an Ivy League degree. You have a good on paper job.

What are these errands you have to run? You’re single with no kids. Get grocery delivery. You shouldn’t be spending your entire weekend running errands to the point you can’t have a social life. Let the errands go. Plans with friends trumps errands.

Even if you don’t like the people at work, if there is a happy hour and you get invited, go. Maybe you will meet someone you like. Maybe the fact that you go to that happy hour means you will be invited to a bbq at someone’s house and maybe you will have a good time at that. If you aren’t having fun at these things, pretend like you are. Smile. Laugh at jokes.

Go to alum events for your ivy. Talk to people. Smile. Laugh.

Any hobbies you like? Try to do those in a way that are group oriented.

Are you working in person? Invite a coworker to join you for lunch or go grab a coffee together.

What’s your rooming situation? Are you living alone? Maybe you should live in a group house or roommate situation instead. Those can be social sometimes.

It’s ok that you don’t have childhood and college friends. Your twenties, especially post college twenties, can be a good time to meet people.

In a couple years, if you go to grad school, be social. Go to school planned events and smile and laugh even if you don’t want to. Be a good classmate - don’t be a competitive jerk but rather offer notes and be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. You are not alone. Many people don't have the kind of idealized friendships you see in movies and tv, in college or high school.

2. Your misery is a natural response to your life situation, which is itself miserable. In fact, it would be weirder if you were not miserable.

3. If you want to stop being miserable, you will have to put yourself in situations that are less awful. You hate your job. So quit. Go do something that is more in tune with your interests. You won't starve if you forgo the huge salary. No one should be working 70 hours a week at 22. Go travel. Find a job that pays less but provides work/life balance and makes you feel better about yourself. Meet people. Pick up hobbies.

I agree with one, but not three. I suspect this poster has family money.

It’s ok to work sixty hours a week, but you still have time for a social life with that.