BIL is an addict

[Anonymous]

The most pulled together person I know has been in recovery for over 30 years.

OP, you need to get some help for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Title of this thread should be changed to

BIL is a former addict who is in successful long term recovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here are some more facts. My sister met BIL about 10 years ago. He stopped drinking apparently five years before that. I asked what happened and my sister shut down and was like it's in the past, blah blah. I feel like she's in denial of the real risk she and her kids are in. This man is a walking time bomb and she's just carrying on like they are this normal family. It's just ... such a façade.

When I asked why she never said anything, she was like it's no one's business why he doesn't drink. I agree in a way (it's not my life) but I am worried and concerned. We always had a pact to never get entangled with addicts and here she is...married to one.

Are you in therapy for the trauma you have related to alcoholism? I absolutely would not marry someone who had been an addict given my parents alcoholism and an experience with a long term boyfriend in my 20s. I chose to marry a man that rarely has one drink. That said, I think you are really overreacting here in a way that is only going to be more damaging to you. You are very likely to lose your relationship with your sister and it sounds like that is a valuable relationship to her. There is nothing crazy about your sister marrying someone who was five years sober — even if you and I would not do that. And to be terrified about someone 15 years sober going back to drinking is totally not in line with actual statistics.

OP here. Why are you judging me when you actually agree with me? Because that's the entire point. It's ridiculous to say on the one hand, it makes sense, I'd stay away from addicts while on the other hand, tell me I'm crazy because of that exact same point.

It's not about the time. Heck, I don't even know if anyone can even believe if he is "sober." Addicts are liars, as I'm sure you are aware.

No, the poster is saying that SHE might not make the choice your sister did, but that doesn't make your sister's choice crazy and irrational. And it doesn't make her marriage a facade or her husband a ticking time bomb. YOU think she's in denial. But she had the same experience you did and knows the risks of addiction firsthand. Thinking that you know her husband of a decade better than her, that you know what's best for her better than she does, and thinking that her husband should be shunned and doesn't deserve his family...that's going to alienate her.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

It's incredibly frustrating -- post after post, people point out that addiction is a real, legitimate reason for divorce, don't get involved with an addict, it's only a matter of time, once an addict, always an addict.

But this isn't a problem? I don't get it. Seriously.

I appreciate that I might be coming from an emotional standpoint somewhat and I'm not an expert and appreciate the insights and recommendations. I've gone to Al-anon and the message I received for years was RUN if you come across someone who is an addict. I think the saying was "don't collect broken toys."

I am worried about my sister. I am worried about my nieces and nephew. I'm not a terrible person. I'm care about my family and have gone through a lot.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I hope OP's sister will say far away from this monster.

OP's hate against her BIL is so over the top that this has nothing to do with leftover trauma from her childhood and addict mother. It's just a vile personality, ready to hate anything OP has decided is wrong. Perhaps OP has a personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

Better question -- do you believe addicts can recover? What's the threshold when you can trust them? Where's the line. Five years? Ten years? One year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It's incredibly frustrating -- post after post, people point out that addiction is a real, legitimate reason for divorce, don't get involved with an addict, it's only a matter of time, once an addict, always an addict.

But this isn't a problem? I don't get it. Seriously.

I appreciate that I might be coming from an emotional standpoint somewhat and I'm not an expert and appreciate the insights and recommendations. I've gone to Al-anon and the message I received for years was RUN if you come across someone who is an addict. I think the saying was "don't collect broken toys."

I am worried about my sister. I am worried about my nieces and nephew. I'm not a terrible person. I'm care about my family and have gone through a lot.

UNTREATED addiction may be the reason, but your BIL has had a handle on it for a long, long time. What exactly do you want people who overcame addition to do? Be alone for the rest of their lives? That's ridiculous.

Why the hell are you worried now vs. a month ago when you didn't know. YOu are projecting. Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you feel if you were told the reason why someone didn't drink was because they were an addict or alcoholic?

My BIL never drank for as long as I knew him but my sister in passing mentioned that he's been in AA for 15 years -- years before she even met him!? She willingly met and had kids with an addict.

The issue is that we were raised by an alcoholic. Our own mom drank until she died (an early death due to medical issues). It was never ending "I'll quit and go to AA" and then relapses. It was awful and I can't believe she got together with someone who is just this ticking time bomb.

I don't know why she hid this from me for nearly 10 years. I can't look at BIL the same and feel incredibly uncomfortable around him. I'm actually considering putting some distance between us and avoiding seeing them from now on but feel guilty. AITA?

You are correct to feel bad about deciding to put distance because it’s not fair to recovering alcoholics who are doing quite well. Having said this, you’re going to do it anyway so just get used to feeling a little bad about it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It's incredibly frustrating -- post after post, people point out that addiction is a real, legitimate reason for divorce, don't get involved with an addict, it's only a matter of time, once an addict, always an addict.

But this isn't a problem? I don't get it. Seriously.

I appreciate that I might be coming from an emotional standpoint somewhat and I'm not an expert and appreciate the insights and recommendations. I've gone to Al-anon and the message I received for years was RUN if you come across someone who is an addict. I think the saying was "don't collect broken toys."

I am worried about my sister. I am worried about my nieces and nephew. I'm not a terrible person. I'm care about my family and have gone through a lot.

BECAUSE THIS IS NOT ADDICTION. Get that in your very thick head. Being in remission for decades does not equal being sick. Your BIL is NOT an addict now. He could relapse and become one. But as the expert said up-thread, it's been so many years, he has very little risk of relapse at this point, if he continues to be careful around alcohol.

You insist on confusing active addiction and someone who has been sober for years and years. That is YOUR mistake. If you want any relationship at all with your sister and her kids, you need to understand that. She will cut you off before she allows you to spill your irrational hate on her family. And she will be entirely right.

What a hateful moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It's incredibly frustrating -- post after post, people point out that addiction is a real, legitimate reason for divorce, don't get involved with an addict, it's only a matter of time, once an addict, always an addict.

But this isn't a problem? I don't get it. Seriously.

I appreciate that I might be coming from an emotional standpoint somewhat and I'm not an expert and appreciate the insights and recommendations. I've gone to Al-anon and the message I received for years was RUN if you come across someone who is an addict. I think the saying was "don't collect broken toys."

I am worried about my sister. I am worried about my nieces and nephew. I'm not a terrible person. I'm care about my family and have gone through a lot.

It might be a problem. It isn't right now! (And it's not YOUR problem. No one is saying that YOU have to date or marry someone with a history of addiction.) He's been sober for 15 years. You aren't really justified in shunning your sister and her husband because he was an addict who has demonstrated that he can and will remain sober long term. He was sober when she met him, and he's still sober. Indeed, you had no idea that he struggled with addiction in the past, and you've known him a decade, suggesting that he's got things under control. Sure, you don't have to see him or her, and you can distance yourself, because everyone gets to decide what they are willing to accept, but I don't really see how torching your relationship with your sister and her family helps anyone.

And it's gross to refer to another human being as a "broken toy." You can decide that you don't want to date or be friends with someone who has ever struggled with addiction. But it's disgusting to say that they are not worthy of love or of being in relationships, not matter how long and how successfully they've dealt with their addiction. And your sister is entitled to make a different choice.

[Anonymous]

You are the liar, OP.

Your BIL is not an addict.

He WAS an addict.

Big difference.

You may want to change the title of your thread.

[Anonymous]

I would look inward OP. You shouldn't have had children because of your predisposition to addicting behavior because of your mom. That's exactly the same as you judging your BIL.

Do you also judge former smokers? I have known hundreds of former smokers who never smoked again in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Better question -- do you believe addicts can recover? What's the threshold when you can trust them? Where's the line. Five years? Ten years? One year?

Are you the OP? Because she doesn't think that 15 years is enough!

And what do you mean "trust them"? No one is asking the OP to marry an addict. Her sister is the one who decides whether her husband is trustworthy. She's got 15 years of data about how he handles stress, socialization, sleep deprivation, parenthood, etc., which seems like a pretty good basis for evaluating someone's reliability.

[Anonymous]

The bottom line, OP, is do you want a relationship with your sister and nieces/nephews? Because if so, you need to stop. Accept the family how they are. Be supportive, not judgmental.

You seem to be hurt that your sister broke your “pact.” But it is done at this point.

Maybe he will relapse. Maybe he won’t. Maybe they will have an idyllic family life. Maybe they won’t. But they are married with kids and nothing you do or say at this point is going to change him or their lives. The only person you are in control of is yourself and you get to decide what kind of sister/aunt you will be. I personally would choose to be an involved, kind, supportive sister/aunt but maybe you will decide differently due to your trauma, and that’s really ok. But it isn’t fair to think that because your sister made this choice, she must deal with the consequence of your judgment/withdrawal.

[Anonymous]

YATA by a mile. Get therapy for your issues. Everyone can see your problem clearly, and it is you.