BIL is an addict

[Anonymous]

OP is addicted to not being able to move on from their trauma.

[Anonymous]

OP do you know the extent of his alcoholism that caused him to go to AA 15 years ago? If they have young kids now and have have only known each other for 10 years, he must have been quite young. It's interesting to me that he recognized his issue and stopped drinking so young, presumably college age or shortly thereafter. I'm assuming a lot of factors here but that sounds very self-aware and mature to me, even admirable.

It doesn't sound like you're going to change your mind, and you're willing to damage and potentially destroy your relationship with your sister and her kids in the process. Is that worth it?

On the other side of things, if some day in the future your BIL does relapse, or if one of your sister's kids or even your sister has substance dependency issues, what will you do? How will you feel? Will you cast them out? Will you be smug and "I told you so!"? Will you approach with compassion? All things to consider. But in the meantime, in the present, when things are stable, do you want to be locked up in your own anger or do you want to have a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are. This is exactly why she hid it from you. Nothing but judgment and intolerance.

+1. He is not your mother. People do recover and live normal lives. Your mother was not one of them.

+1

OP, you didn't ask, but yes, you are the a-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here's what I want to know.

Does anyone truly believe an addict can be trustworthy? Be honest? Why? Where's the line? What do you need to see?

You don't sound well. Truly.

See, I'm crazy. Fine. But the point stands, it's impossible to trust an addict. That's why people on DCUM are constantly saying addiction is a legitimate reason (sober or not) to divorce or cut someone out of your life. Because they are trouble.

If someone has an addiction and is unwilling to seek treatment and/or unable to remain sober, I wouldn't blame someone for divorcing them. But, I would say the same thing about a partner who had chronic depression and was unwilling to seek treatment.

Divorcing someone with an addiction who has been sober for 15 years would be the same as divorcing someone who has been treating their depression successfully for 15 years. Doing so means YTA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It's incredibly frustrating -- post after post, people point out that addiction is a real, legitimate reason for divorce, don't get involved with an addict, it's only a matter of time, once an addict, always an addict.

But this isn't a problem? I don't get it. Seriously.

I appreciate that I might be coming from an emotional standpoint somewhat and I'm not an expert and appreciate the insights and recommendations. I've gone to Al-anon and the message I received for years was RUN if you come across someone who is an addict. I think the saying was "don't collect broken toys."

I am worried about my sister. I am worried about my nieces and nephew. I'm not a terrible person. I'm care about my family and have gone through a lot.

A few things:

-DCUM isn't real life. Even if the situations are real, everyone can weigh in anonymously and it's very easy to give advice that you aren't willing or able to live:
-AA and Al Anon are peer run organizations that have doubtless helped untold numbers of people. That said, neither one is based in medicine or science and they are run by people who have a stake in not introducing more addiction into their lives. It's not surprising the advice would be to avoid addicts, but you seem to think it's not safe at any point.
-Alcohol use disorder is very common. It's estimated that 12% of the US population are suffering from it - 1 in 8 adults. And that doesn't take into account people who probably have an unhealthy habit that doesn't meet a clinical definition.

Your sister has apparently dealt with her demons. The best thing you could offer to your sister is support, whether she goes through a hard time or not. Worrying if the other shoe is going to drop will only distance her from you and make you crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Perhaps OP is on the autism spectrum. She appears to be extremely rigid in her thinking, harping about BIL being an addict when he hasn't been for years, and feeling betrayed because supposedly she had made a pact with her sister not to marry addicts. Those are very typical HFA (high-functioning autism) reactions. The world is very black and white for them and there is no room for flexibility or adaptation.

No one can stop how you're feeling, OP. But most people on this thread strongly advise you to keep those feelings to yourself, otherwise you will push your family away.

I am not usually one for armchair diagnosis, but this crossed my mind also while reading her responses.
Signed,
A special education teacher for kids on the spectrum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It's incredibly frustrating -- post after post, people point out that addiction is a real, legitimate reason for divorce, don't get involved with an addict, it's only a matter of time, once an addict, always an addict.

But this isn't a problem? I don't get it. Seriously.

I appreciate that I might be coming from an emotional standpoint somewhat and I'm not an expert and appreciate the insights and recommendations. I've gone to Al-anon and the message I received for years was RUN if you come across someone who is an addict. I think the saying was "don't collect broken toys."

I am worried about my sister. I am worried about my nieces and nephew. I'm not a terrible person. I'm care about my family and have gone through a lot.

I would 100% divorce if my hsuband was and addict and I would not personally marry an addict even with a long sober period. But I also would be totally comfortable if my sister chose to marry someone 5 years sober. I would not feel like he was going to relapse at any moment. I would hope that my sister was choosing a sober lifestyle as well — just sort of in solidarity with her hsuband. I would hope my sister and her hsuband would educate any kids on their genetic predisposition. But I would happily hang out with the guy.

Do you see the inconsistency, PP. I find it telling that everyone agrees that for themselves they would make the same decision as me and I'm right, but me being worried about my sister makes me a terrible person.

People avoid addicts. Even those "sober" ones are trouble, like this PP points out. If you found out your spouse admitted they had a problem with alcohol and were an addict (even if sober), you'd divorce them. So, I'm not wrong here. I find it hypocritical that everyone agrees that addicts are trouble (sober or not) but then bash me.

Make it make sense.

Many people disagree that people with a history of addiction who have long-term sobriety are problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here's what I want to know.

Does anyone truly believe an addict can be trustworthy? Be honest? Why? Where's the line? What do you need to see?

15 years of sobriety seems pretty good to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do you know the extent of his alcoholism that caused him to go to AA 15 years ago? If they have young kids now and have have only known each other for 10 years, he must have been quite young. It's interesting to me that he recognized his issue and stopped drinking so young, presumably college age or shortly thereafter. I'm assuming a lot of factors here but that sounds very self-aware and mature to me, even admirable.

It doesn't sound like you're going to change your mind, and you're willing to damage and potentially destroy your relationship with your sister and her kids in the process. Is that worth it?

On the other side of things, if some day in the future your BIL does relapse, or if one of your sister's kids or even your sister has substance dependency issues, what will you do? How will you feel? Will you cast them out? Will you be smug and "I told you so!"? Will you approach with compassion? All things to consider. But in the meantime, in the present, when things are stable, do you want to be locked up in your own anger or do you want to have a relationship?

If I were OP's sister, and one of my kids had a substance abuse problem, I would not tell OP, and I would distance myself from her as much as possible. I don't need someone around my kid who thinks of them as a broken toy who should be shunned for the rest of their lives, no matter what steps they make in recovery.

[Anonymous]

We live in a fallen world, and no one here is perfect. We all have a mixture of virtues and vices, and we try to find a partner that is loving and compatible with us.

Someone who was a former addict that has been sober for 15 years has demonstrated amazing resilience and strength of purpose. I think these are very good qualities in a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here are some more facts. My sister met BIL about 10 years ago. He stopped drinking apparently five years before that. I asked what happened and my sister shut down and was like it's in the past, blah blah. I feel like she's in denial of the real risk she and her kids are in. This man is a walking time bomb and she's just carrying on like they are this normal family. It's just ... such a façade.

When I asked why she never said anything, she was like it's no one's business why he doesn't drink. I agree in a way (it's not my life) but I am worried and concerned. We always had a pact to never get entangled with addicts and here she is...married to one.

Wow. Just wow. You are incredibly out of line. Get yourself some therapy to get past your issues with your mother and leave your sister alone.

[Anonymous]

stop feigning worry or concern. You don't care. You wanted to shun them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here's what I want to know.

Does anyone truly believe an addict can be trustworthy? Be honest? Why? Where's the line? What do you need to see?

My sister has been sober for 5 years and I trust her implicitly. Since getting sober she has given me no reason not to trust her. She goes to meetings, has a sponsor and has completely turned her life around. I hate to think she'll come across people like you that consider her to be forever broken because she has had addiction issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you feel if you were told the reason why someone didn't drink was because they were an addict or alcoholic?

My BIL never drank for as long as I knew him but my sister in passing mentioned that he's been in AA for 15 years -- years before she even met him!? She willingly met and had kids with an addict.

The issue is that we were raised by an alcoholic. Our own mom drank until she died (an early death due to medical issues). It was never ending "I'll quit and go to AA" and then relapses. It was awful and I can't believe she got together with someone who is just this ticking time bomb.

I don't know why she hid this from me for nearly 10 years. I can't look at BIL the same and feel incredibly uncomfortable around him. I'm actually considering putting some distance between us and avoiding seeing them from now on but feel guilty. AITA?

I would think 'Damn good for that person, addiction is tough'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It's incredibly frustrating -- post after post, people point out that addiction is a real, legitimate reason for divorce, don't get involved with an addict, it's only a matter of time, once an addict, always an addict.

But this isn't a problem? I don't get it. Seriously.

I appreciate that I might be coming from an emotional standpoint somewhat and I'm not an expert and appreciate the insights and recommendations. I've gone to Al-anon and the message I received for years was RUN if you come across someone who is an addict. I think the saying was "don't collect broken toys."

I am worried about my sister. I am worried about my nieces and nephew. I'm not a terrible person. I'm care about my family and have gone through a lot.

I would 100% divorce if my hsuband was and addict and I would not personally marry an addict even with a long sober period. But I also would be totally comfortable if my sister chose to marry someone 5 years sober. I would not feel like he was going to relapse at any moment. I would hope that my sister was choosing a sober lifestyle as well — just sort of in solidarity with her hsuband. I would hope my sister and her hsuband would educate any kids on their genetic predisposition. But I would happily hang out with the guy.

Do you see the inconsistency, PP. I find it telling that everyone agrees that for themselves they would make the same decision as me and I'm right, but me being worried about my sister makes me a terrible person.

People avoid addicts. Even those "sober" ones are trouble, like this PP points out. If you found out your spouse admitted they had a problem with alcohol and were an addict (even if sober), you'd divorce them. So, I'm not wrong here. I find it hypocritical that everyone agrees that addicts are trouble (sober or not) but then bash me.

Make it make sense.

.

Same poster. It isn’t because I think someone sober for a long time is super risky. It is my own trauma that would make me not marry them. You are carrying over your trauma even further in a much more extreme way. I don’t think my position is right in not marrying the person. It is a limitation I know I have.